Before I embark back onto a structured recovery plan, I need to make sure I identify what caused me to slip up again. 1 year is a very long time to be purge free compared to 56 days 8 years ago. I never really appreciated how well I had done to be purge free until this relapse. A lot of emotions have been coming back to me. It's even a bit overwhelming to even write them down in this blog. Anger for having to go through the group outpatient program and for gaining weight during recovery are two very prominent thoughts. I never accepted my body during recovery and always felt so disgusted with my body shape.
For the two months before my purge relapse, I started to restrict my calories. I thought purging was so far from my life that I would never wan . t to torment body like that again. I have lost track of the days since I have started purging but it happens at least 2 times a day and I am very aggressive about purging "effectively" since I do not want to gain an ounce and in fact still want to lose a lot of weight. I have to now make sure I go through why I want to not be bulimic because it is quickly becoming part of my identity once again. The fast food, ice crem binges, lying, mood swings, weight obsession, vanity, wasted money, deteriorating teeth, and delay of progress in my life. I am sacrificing so much right now just so I can be a smaller size. I know so much about my eating disorder and my health that I feel like my ED is using that against me. After 13 years of bulimia, I escaped with merely a severe Vitamin D deficiency. Since the consequences of my bulimia has not cause great harm I feel that I can keep purging for a little while longer until I lose more weight. Then once I reach x amount of pounds I will be happy and ready to recover. As much as that might not be true, I do not believe it. I was not happy with my body post recovery and I was waiting to lose weight and it never happened.
Today I made a little breakthrough when I almost, oh so close, gave in. It is the end of the month so I got into the VERY dangerous mind set of giving into my ED and saying to myself "Tomorrow June 1 will be a new beginning and today will be the last time." I have done this countless times, at the end of each month (and year) saying "TOMORROW I will start fresh, a new beginning." Again and again I fell into this trap, and it never worked.
So today I said no way will I do this again. Rather, I will continue on my road to recovery. I looked back at May and realized that I had actually only given in twice, WOW!
Rather, June 1 will be a way to realign myself and think about how best to proceed and continue on this path.
I have this problem that when I eat something I enjoy/ really like I binge.
I feel I then loose control and have permission to binge.
This happens with chocolate, cakes, humous. sometimes with yoghurt. I then cannot throw anything away. I just want to punish myself and binge. I loose all control of my thoughts and feelings and eat until I am in serious pain,.
Any ideas on how to handle moderation when alone? I cannot throw anything away.
Why does the creeping thoughts of binging come in recovery when you are doing so well? Why does a binge seem a good idea just before its done. Why is it that we think we will feel better after a binge or that the food will make us feel better or take away our thoughts?
I dont know why I think/ forget the pain it leaves behind?
Any ideas? Is it just a habit? It does not make sense0 its not logical but almost a natural reflex to relax.
I have been getting better. I feel it!!
I have not written in a while as I do not like to think about food or the food thoughts.
Yet I have had a couple of blips in the last few days! I have managed to get myself back up and not dwell so much into a big hole. I still hate this though. I hate the feeling of being bloated and acid reflux. I hate the fact that I still dont trust myself when I am alone around food.
I still have difficulty trusting myself and I have not successfully been able to throw food away yet.
But I do want to say that I now have hope that things are and can get better. It is slow but I feel like a different person and able to focus on other things except for food.
How is everyone elses recovery?
I really do think JUNE is going to be MY month :)
first a June, half way through the year, what better incentive to get rid of this thing with 3 free days behind me plus probably not even 20 bad days out of 62 (really should start counting!)
Its my life and my choice :)
x. keep fighting, keep smiling x.
Finishing day 18 with one slip.......... A bit worried about tomorrow because i'll be at home all day with not all that much to do.... trying to binge-proof my day.....
Giving all my cards and money to my bf
Planning out my meals,
Planning my day,
Ugh, just feeling so horrible right now and fighting the urge to give into Bulimia, though I have been doing so well.
My boyfriend just left, we have a long distance relationship and have been together, like forever. Just feeling so empty...last night we talked a bout my ED, though he doesn't know about my bulimia but as watched me over the years battle with my food issues. There were tears in his eyes and it just hurt so badly to see how this is hurting him, sigh. AND YET, as we said goodbye I was thinking about going out and buying food for a bp, HORRIBLE.
I haven't and I am writing instead.
Anyway, so sorry for a downer blog, I think I HAVE TO KNOW that one day this will be gone and out of my life, sometimes I feel too tired to fight.
I have not binged or purged for 1 week now. This is the longest I've gone in a really long time. I want to feel better, I thought I would feel better, but I don't....at all. I feel extremely depressed, and my confidence is practically non existent. There is no motivation to get better. If I still feel this horrible, it's like what the hell is the point? Does it get better? Will I feel happy again?
Maybe I'm just feeling the feelings I've been numbing with bulimia for so long....I don't know.
I feel like relapsing soooo bad right now.
I need some strength, some motivation, some encouragement. I need to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
As some of you know I have continued to lapse and at this point I am almost back where I started. In some ways worse, and in some ways better.
I am spending ridiculous amounts of money to satisfy my binge urges. I mean really, I am too embarrassed to even say how much money I spend on a typical binge.
I am back to lying to my boyfriend about where I am so I can binge
I have skipped a couple snacks so that my binge would be 'better'
I am weighing myself compulsively
I have gotten to the point where my purge bowl just sits next to me while I am binging. Its just.. very sad and pitiful. I know if I was in my right mind I would look at the situation and cry.
But wow, Seriously. I need some re-group-age.
This week I am putting my heart into not acting on my obsession, and today I am doing two things that I have heavily resisted.
The first is that I am going to go to an OA meeting. Yes, an in person OA meeting. I am so nervous, but I am giving up my pride and giving it a shot. I am a bit out of options at this point.
The second is.. I am going to tell my mom. I have not seen or talked to my mom in several months. But I think I need her support in this and am going to do my best to patch things up with her and move forward. I really need her right now.
Other than that I am going to pray, go back to the basics, and breathe.
I'm on day 17 with one slip..... I have an application on my phone counting my days for me. I am also going to tally my slips so it will take the pressure off getting to a high number. I worked out that if i keep going this way my day 100 will be on my bday! what a wonderful bday present! i just really hope i don't have too many slips in between. Feeling more determined than ever this time and i know i'm ready to let go of bulimia forever.
Our bodies are amazing things, It's about time we appreciated them!
I relapsed yesterday; I purged for the first time in a little over 6 months…
It came so natural to me and I couldn’t help it. Today there was no food at my mom’s house except for cereal, and I was home alone all day, so after having oatmeal for breakfast I nibbled on cereal throughout the day (I think that my body interpreted this as a day-long binge even though it wasn't). Later I had about 30 animal crackers. Then I felt like having an ice cream so I ate a Klondike bar. I became overwhelmingly consumed by guilt and shit so then I purged it and a few crackers and a bit of cereal too.
Whatever dude. I shouldn’t have eaten trigger foods. Cereal and ice cream are the two trigger foods that I swore I'd never eat again, way back when I began my recovery. I don’t know why I ate the ice cream… I literally never eat ice cream.
I take this as a learning experience!!
Since my discharge from residential treatment at Timberline Knolls in Lemont, IL, I was headed for a lofty relapse. I had already engaged in a myriad of ED behaviors, before I had left Lemont, all of which I kept secret to the utmost of my ability. Secrets, as we all learn in treatment, keep you sick. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I am no exception to this rule. In retrospect, I had a sick pride of the false image of recovery I was projecting. Everyone was eating it up, and I foolishly assumed they needed my strength. Strength? Try bullshit, which no one needs or wants. Jimminy it's going to take a long time to weed out these lies bombarding my head.
Apparently, when in recovery, it's not wise to sponsor yourself or run your fucked up ideas past yourself for approval. This can be made clear by my decision to restrict all meals, save the dinner I had with my family the day I flew home from Timberline Knolls. Followed by my decision to purchase a handle of vodka and consume just enough to take the "edge" off before seeing a man I slept with nightly for a week straight before leaving for treatment, and had also just met the day we started sleeping together. "But he was so sweet to write, while I was away." And he was. Was.
Suffice to say, my inevitable relapse came to fruition quite quickly. Within a week I had driven through a gate in a parking garage while sloshed and on the same night acquired a relight traffic ticket. Perhaps a week after that I was sliding right back into the jeans I should have burned because of their inhuman size, and all they represented. Somewhere in there I came off all my medication, willy-nilly, and unsupervised. Chances are I was purging the meds anyway, and my best justification was not wanting to waste money on purged medication.
It is Friday night.
All the people who used to call me their friend are likely out enjoying their lives.
The person who used to call me her best friend is out celebrating her birthday. I texted her a happy birthday, not because I care, but to relieve some of the guilt I have that I don't care.
It is Friday night and I am home. I just packed up another bag of 23 dollars worth of vomit. It is sitting in my closet waiting for me to do the walk of shame tomorrow morning out to my car, and then be dumped in some dumpster somewhere.
I cannot do this anymore. I will not do this anymore. I give in to the long and painful journey ahead. But I will not give in to binging anymore.
First time on the site in 5 days and I've really been struggling. It's so easy to go back to old ways of coping when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed or just plain tired. I work as a fitness instructor both in the gym and teaching classes which I love doing when I'm feeling good and happy and on top of my eating problems BUT it's the worst job in the world when I'm bingeing and purging and feeling overweight and unfit and like a big failure :-( I struggle with keeping a healthy weight due to complusive eating, binge eating and bulimia and have always ranged from the heavier side of healthy right up to being very overweight and clinically obese. I know what I want most in the world right now is to be free of this horrible preoccupation with food and eating and weight but it's so damn hard. The plan is to take every day as it comes and try to think about how happy I am when I am binge/purge free even if it's just for a day. Hopefully the days will gradually merge together into weeks/months and, you never know, maybe even years (although it seems so impossible right now). Ok rant over...let tomorrow be better than today x
I really need to find a new MD that ....IDK cares? It's almost funny. I finally told my PCP AND GI doctor that I had bulimia (this was a huge step for me, as I was very nervous and actually teared up while saying it)...and they both say "oh okay thank you for sharing". REALLY?? Not. "Okay let's do some further evaluation to see if you're body is ok" ? My primary care is a f*cking idiot. I'm a dietitian so I can interpret many of my labs, but it's like helloooo this is YOUR JOB! And you'd think a GI doctor would care more seeing as how bulimia erodes your esophogus!! So I'm finding a new PCP today. And i'll keep looking until I find a good one that I have a good relationship with........so important. I kinda feel like most MD's do not know too much about ED's. Wonder if anyone else has felt the same ?
started the day out good, good breakfast happy kind thoughts even after i seen my growning figure in the mirror. was even doing well after stressful morning at work. now am at home and fighting very hard to not b\p i miss doing this already trying to take focus off food and do other things but that is not working.
what if am going to have this struggel every day?
telling myself how bad i will feel if i b\p, and how good i will feel tomorrow morning when i get up and dont have b\p session, why oh why does bulimia not lisen when i say these things.
reminding myself all the things i have missed out on because of bulimia.
I am writing now to see if i can confront my feelings and see if i can figure out why i am feeling the need to b\p why i want to not feel at the moment. i guess i am feeling down because i have gained a little weight, my work is very stresful at the moment, i miss my boyfriend who is away at the moment and i feel guilty because i am corsing people stress with this disorded.
yes i guess i feel all these things and its sad to say but i just miss doing what i use to do its like an old friend (a really shity bad friend, but a friend no less) but for a little while it did make me feel better.
guess its time to break up with bulimia i dont need your friendship anymore.
feeling a little better after writing if anyone has any tips to push through let me know thanks
I have been doing Ok in my recovery, making my way through this process and realizing that it is indeed not a straight and narrow path, I read this same sentiment time and time again so I know (I think) I am not alone.
Today at the gym I had a few moments of clarity about my ED. I read key: signs of an eating disorder” from a magazine, and yep, I sure do have one! Obviously a no brainer, reading on I reading on I read from a doctor that the more your resist to give in to something, whatever it may and in my case BP, the EASIER it becomes. And you know what.this is true! I do find that the more I practice saying no to bulimia, little by very little is DOES become easier.
On the flip side, I went into the locker room to weigh myself, this is a habit I attribute to me slipping back into “bulimia mindset” and which I know is so wrong. Stepping onto the scale I saw it was broken. a mix of feelings emerged, anger, relief and sadness. Sadness because I realized that I had started to gage my happiness by my weight. Really, what a silly thought, walking away I realized how utterly nonsensical it is to gage my happiness and self worth and on measly number, I am SO much more than a number.
Driving today I realized how VERY VERY VERY much I want to recover, I am utterly sick of being bulimia; food should be nourishing and healthy, not something to be addicted to and hurtful.
Well here I am, yet again. I was doing relatively well until Sunday night. I was unbelievably exhausted from studying and working, feeling overwhelmed with everything, and I binged and purged. It didn't hit me until the next morning when I woke up and realized what I had done. I was scared, terrified, and alone. But I went back to my normal (sort of) eating for three days and then last night I did it again: binged and purged. Now I am terrified. I am afraid it is going to go back to the days where I was bingeing and purging all day. That is all I could think of was bingeing and purging. I have a lot of faith right now that it isn't going to get that bad, but I know it is a possibility and it is scaring the crap out of me.
I want to share my thoughts... I have not b/p for a long time and they say that ED thoughts, anxiety and depression comes because of b/p cycle but I still have some problems about my feelings and thoughts. Wonder if any of you have the same feeling?
GOOD LUCK TO ALL!!!
So bitter and twisted right now....
I am just going to allow myself to feel this way today. I think it's all too easy to end up feeling so guilty ('at least I'm not an orphan looking after my 9 brothers and sisters in a shanty town. Fuck. i'M SUCH a selfish fucking pitiful bitch. And a greedy one too...ooh i KNOW i'll BINGE!").
I am just going to accept that, actually, I am entitled to feel like this without being ungrateful for what I do have
There is no denying that: I have no friends, my family find me a nightmare and hate living with me, I will probably never have a relationship with anyone because i am a 'can of worms' and 'too intense, I am bored of my purposeless, meaningless mundane existence, I hate where i live and the people I interact with, I hate my stupid body and I hate how weak I am, i HATE that i can't do anything i enjoy anymore. i can't concentrate. I hate that I can't escape this eating disorder because it's in my own bloody stupid HEAD.
I hate it when people moan about stuff like this when it's so easy to change it. But i can't because...I HAVE NO MONEY OR ENERGY OR BELIEF THAT THINGS WILLEVER ACTUALLY BE ANY BETTER...
If i had some proof that if i let go of the control and gained weight i would be happy I would at least try it. But all evidence so far has shown me that it only makes things worse for me personally. So actually i'm thinking of deleting my account and just forgetting the whole fucking thing....
So I have been in recovery for almost 6 months now. First few months I made huge progress, then about 6 weeks of slips about 3-4 times per week. This week I have really cracked down and have made it another week without any slips. I was feeling pretty strong until today. I have a job interview this afternoon. I hate interviews! They make me SO nervous and I feel like I can never communicate what I want to say. Plus I am under qualified for the position. SO anyways, I am really feeling that urge to binge tonight. I know I am turning to food so I don't have to worry and fret over the interview, so for not I am just taking it one minute at a time.
Any suggestions on how I can stay strong today and not let this overwhelm me? I have been telling myself.."I have nothing to lose. I still have a job now, and what is the worst that can happen? I sound like an idiot and embarrass myself in front of strangers I will never see again?" Doesn't seem too bad...but it feels so intimidating!
Time for a blog,
I can finally think clearly again. I can't believe how badly our thinking is morphed while we are trapped in the dreaded cycle. I am just finishing my 12th day of healthy eating and i feel the best i have felt in a long long time. I have gotten to a point where i feel so over the whole thing. I have wasted too much of my precious time and energy on this and i wan't out now...
I'm almost 24 years old, i've had this problem for 8 years,
i've wasted over $100,000 on this addiction,
I've put my family through so much pain and worry over this,
Bulimia is the one and only thing i truly HATE with a passion, the one thing that makes me so angry just thinking about it. My list of why i hate bulimia could go on and on and on but i wan't this blog to be about recovery, and what i wan't to achieve through it.
My goals at the moment are:
Pass all my end of semester exams at uni, and study enough to get the best result i can
Make to to 40 days without binging and purging.
write on here more often.
cut down on my chocolate intake a little.
mayyybe start eating breakfast (i hate breakfast)
So... I had a binge tonight. I think I can put my finger on the trigger too!
I was feeling good about today, I had a good day in general. Although I am noticing that I've probably gained a little and I've been wearing shorts but feel fairly self conscious of my legs. Anyways, when I got home, I weighed myself, and was scared by the number. I had a bath and then could not stop thinking about food. So I ended up "allowing" myself some popcorn which turned into four meals in one and here I am.
I'm upset about it, but I want to make sure it doesn't ruin my day tomorrow. I'm going to eat when I get hungry tomorrow or just start the day off with a nice smoothie to calm my stomach.
I've really been allowing myself what I want/crave in the moment, within reason, but sometimes I do find it really triggers or stresses me out. Anyway, I'm still going on my goal of eating when hungry, eating undistracted, and eating fairly vegan unless I want otherwise.
I'm still upset too about this boy situation. He was head over heels for me during our first 5-6 hang outs. Then we slept together and he quit smoking around the same time and things changed. I hung out with him yesterday and he didn't touch me at all, didn't say " I like you" or "I missed you" like he used to in the beginning. So now I'm confused and a bit hurt and just feeling like, what are we friends or dating?!
I hate this grey area. Just tell me straight up, please!
Good Night, Girls.
No one has to read this if they don't want to. I feel sort of stupid talking about this, because it's such superficial discourse--judging my worth by a body part. Ramble Ramble Ramble.
I have always struggled more with accepting my shape than my weight. I don't understand my frame. And I have a hard time fitting into clothing because of it. I am petite, but my rib cage is a bit wide. Bras don't even fit right because the ratio of band to cup is off. My ribs stick out a bit more than my breasts. It makes me feel deformed and ugly.
It seems the only way to keep my ribcage as less expanded as possible is to not eat much. During my more anorexic periods long ago it was more possible to keep the cage "in." I also feel like I have to stand exaggeratedly with a curve to my back so I can have a longer looking torso. GOD I feel stupid.
My figure is easily a box. Bulimia makes it worse...stomach expansion and inflammation makes my ribs stick out significantly more. I know this from the mirror and the fit of my clothing. Yet bulimia is cruel, addictive, and I can't let myself get back to normal.
I have always envied women, the majority it seems, who have ribcages narrower than their hips and shoulders, even just slightly. They can get away with gaining weight because they will just have more emphasized curves. I turn into a box. My hipbones are so high up and almost seem to touch my ribcage. Sure, the legs appear longer, but I don't really care. There is no room there for feminine curves. I lose no matter what I do.
So, imagine the scene. It is 9pm. My 13 year old is having an episode of anxiety, my 9 year old needs to go to bed, I am exhausted from dealing with them all day and from b/ping the night before and fasting all day today. Suddenly, there is a knock on my door. It is my neighbour, who lives in the flat below me. He says that his ceiling is caving in, in his bathroom. He thinks that the pipes have burst......we look in my bathroom-nothing. It doesn't hit me then. I call the 24 hour energency service and the plumber comes right away- he looks in my bathroom, sink etc. It still doesn't hit me. He comes up a second time, says it must be from the toilet......THEN IT HITS ME. I must be the one to blame. I have caused this. The humiliation, the stress....I am googling "bulimia and burst pipes" as I hear the plumber below ripping out the ceiling. Thoughts in my mind, will they know? will they see the vomit??? I am such a horrible disgusting person.....The plumber comes up, tells me that the pipe is corroded.....I ask him how this could happen-he says that they are old pipes........but I know, it must be me.....it is too much of a coincidence.
I feel such shame but keep it all in....try to sleep as the drilling below to fix the pipes happens until midnight........ My kids are upset and worried about the noises and keep getting up and I have NO patience as I am stressed, ashamed, and so alone with this. NO ONE KNOWS I AM BULIMIC.
Thanks for listening.
First of all I would just like to say I averted a possible slip :) got myself to the bathroom and few feet from the toilet but stopped myself and fought with my mind and I won :) Am definitely going to feel fat and yuk tomorrow because I did over eat and all on foods that bloat you :( but all good its all part of recovery.
I know Im getting better in recovery when:
- While I am stressing from Uni I dont go straight to the kitchen...something ive always done. Now I feel sick from the stress caused from uni. Putting the work off and bp'n will only make things 100 times worse. In saying that i still binge a little bit sometimes when stressing over uni but definitely not like in the past...would never have thought uni would be a distraction and a saviour from this life. But also in saying that the next month is going to be one hectic one end of semester assignments and exams :S
- I have had WAY more good days than bad...maybe 40 out of 55 days, give or take a few days. But definitely more free days than Ive ever had in last 8 and half years!
- I just stopped myself from binging, instead did a short 10min workout jumping around my bedroom lol
- I am putting weight on but I mostly look in the mirror and despise myself but use it as motivation to keep on track, of course my body is going to go all crazy. My skin has gone shit but I think its slowly getting better,
- my hair is still f'd but STILL have my extensions out and actually go out in public. i just put my clip in extensions when I 'go out go out'. I think it is slowly getting better tho, am ontop of the vitamins and minerals, and concentrating on eating foods that are known to thicken hair and also i use sulfate-free shampoo/conditioner.
- I still have anxiety attacks every now and then wen I am getting ready to go out or out in public. I seem to be fine when I am with people but when I am by myself I totally freak out and get all paranoid and stuff.
feeling shocking, havent had a period in 15months but had a few drops in my undies yday. Have had terrible lower back ache & lower tummy cramps since I binged on sunday evening :/ not sure whats going on :S it could also be just a tummy ache :/
For the last month I've been struggling with stress, anxiety, frequent binges and b/p... I became more obsessive about food than I'd ever been, thoughts about eating, food, recovery, bulimia completely took over me. For the last week I've been experiencing some kind of withdrawal or rebellion against recovery - the recovery caused me more trouble than bulimia alone! I was soooo sick of thinking of it all ALL THE TIME! You can read some of my doubt-fed blog entries here and there...
But yesterday... just yesterday.. I tiny little thought was seeded in my mind... nothing meaningful, I thought, but still...
...that after all these months of struggle, pain, ups and downs, doubts and frustration I actually:
1) started eating healthier. Even during binges I hardly ever go for junk food
2) whether I'm overeating or not eating enough, I'm at least eating pretty much regularly
3) I'm much more aware of food - its nutrition, quality, etc. Ironically, in my "starving time" I never cared about calories, never counted them - I hardly ate anything, that's all!
4) My purges became less frequent
5) My binges are less frequent, shorter in duration and far smaller
6) I react to my hunger/satiety better and it's becoming more automatic
7) I stopped counting days without b/p
and so on... in the beginning it didn't make much difference to me, but during the day.. it grew somehow.. and.. since yesterday I've been feeling pretty much like a 'normal person'! I ate when I was hungry, had a fun snack and even though I got a bit anxious thinking it was a binge, after reconsideration I realized that it was a 'normal' amount of food people usually have! I enjoyed the dinner with friends enormously.
Wowzers!!!! I don't know how I managed it, but I DID iT!!! I had a bad day starting off and made sure that I stayed focused on recovering, and I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner and even had a fun food and a healthy snack during the day, and I am not pacing around bingeing tonight!!! I know it doesn't always work this way, but today I made it through and ate like I was someone without an ED!!!
I never did call either friend back yet, and I feel a little bad but I know I will do everything I can to make it up to them. If I call them in the morning it'll be easier, the longer I wait the harder it will be to do. I made it to my group at night, and right after I started checking in one of our counselors heard some sirens for a tornado or severe thunderstorm. It turned out to be a tornado warning from what I heard, and we headed to the basement in the church where we meet, but it turned out that it passed quickly and we were ok. One counselor regretted not getting to watch it go by, but I am glad we were safe and I feel so comfortable with these group members that I dropped my notebook, pen and things all around me and just sprawled out on that big empty floor we had, kicking my legs up in the air as I read parts of our chapter we were working on and listened as others read and talked. I really enjoy our group, and am so glad it's available.
I am getting ready to attempt to sleep soon, I am tired of sleeping in and I need time to get us all :) eating and ready for my next appointment at the plasma center. This place means more to me then anyone could really understand. It helps me as much as it helps others, or maybe I just 8use it as an excuse but hey, whatever works!!! I can't wait to try and have another really awesome day with recovering tomorrow :) My goal is to eat breakfast in the morning instead of in the afternoon again, but I will be happy to eat it at all. :) Good luck to you all, my friends! Do great!
messed up this morning. I cant belive i slipped up. Better stay on my toes, after messing up in the morning I continued with my day and with my meals and snacks.
So, I have today off from work and was just thinking it would be nice to have a completely relaxing night tonight.. and then is struck me.
For my entire life, whenever I would have a 'me night'.. it has involved food. Even when I was a kid..
Rented a movie and had all my favorite comfort foods.
And now.. Yeah I could watch a movie.. but, I don't know, where is the comfort in that?
Food is my best friend, and my enemy. It always has been. I mean sometimes we have been more friends and other times more enemies, but there has always been an undeniable attraction.
I am a bit bummed.. when I first had the idea to have a nice night in.. I was excited. But now.. seems kinda pointless.
And that is sad in itself. =\
Who I was before Bulimia..
Before bulimia, I was the young woman who..
1) Loved her body...
2) Woke up at the crack of dawn to write...
3) Ate well and didn't count every calorie...
4) Exercised in moderation...
5) Had confidence...
6) Didn't critique her body everyday...
7) Smiled more...
8) Was nicer to her family and friends..
9) Had less secrets...
10) Loved and lived life...
11) Knew I could conquer the world..
Still, do, I am slowly finding myself again but this time I am finding I am actually stronger than I ever thought..
Bulimia is horrible, I would much rather be struggling (successfully) through recover than giving in to bp..
It is 1:30 in the afternoon and I just ate breakfast. Normally on days like this I would have my husband that I am separated with either pick the girls up to watch them or to stay here with them while I go and do things I need to do without them like going to therapy and usually visitng someone, or running errands. Today I don't have therapy this week because she's on vacation, and because he came here to watch the girls five hours after the agreed time and I couldn't tolerate being around him for too long I made him go home with the girls, which also gives me a chance to catch up on getting thins done around here without distractions.
I am not very happy today. Putting up with J started my day off bad. I am frustrated because of all the things I haven't been able to do lately, and yet I know all I can do is move forward and keep trying, but I feel so behind with things and feel like I first have to catch up, then get back to where I need to be, and it feels like there just isn't enough time to do it.
I blew a friend off yesterday. Her daughter and kids were coming into town an I invited them to visit me at my place because it would be easier for the kids to play and the adults to have fun, too. I really was looking forward to it but J was late getting to work and that meant he'd have to work later and since this bday party I almost forgot about was starting earlier I went ahead and took the kids to it and just totally forgot about my plans with the friends and didn't make time to call her back after she called once and it reminded me.
I still owe some family some house cleaning for helping me financially after using all my money for the week on gas to go to Michigan and back, and a friend from church called to see why I have been missing a lot and I don't want to call her back and try to explain but yet I feel like I should.
So, I am at my highest weight ever in my life. And of course that ED mentality makes me think nobody could think I'm attractive at this weight - for a while I literally pretended it wasn't real. That I wasn't at my really thin weight, but it would happen again soon. F*ck that. I fgure if I'm REALLY trying to recover suck it up and deal with it. But I noticed that I got complimented by more guys than I did when I was really thin. Because now I have more of a butt and boobs, which DUH ladies apparently men find this attractive lol. But it did make me feel a lot better. However, I know our worth isn't all about our looks, etc. but it's nice to know people think you look good NOT being super thin, ya know?? I know I shouldnt weigh myself because it does stress me out - but I'm able to do it now without going off the deep end and binging/purging. Anyways hope everyone has a good day today ;)
I hate how much this thing consumes my thoughts. I'm totally obsessive even if my actions are the right actions to be taking, I'm still obsessing over all things food, weight, recovery etc.... How can I be a good lawyer when I can't focus and spend all my time in my own head obsessing and on various health, support, weight type websites. I don't even know how to bill my time for my legal work because when I'm working I'm also half obsessing and the guilt tells me to discount my time so I end up working way more than I have to. I wish I could just forget this all, live normally, whats the point of eating normal and looking a normal weight if I don't FEEL normal because my thoughts are still as dominated by E.D. as ever. I hope it goes away soon.... sooo discouraging :(
I'm holding myself back and it's so frustrating. I'm so afraid that things will not get better when the ED is gone. I'm afraid with what I'll do with all my time. I'm afraid I won't be a better person. I'm afraid I'll still be unhappy. I'm afraid I'll always be obsessed with my weight and what I eat and how much I exercise... if that's the case, what's the point in fighting it?
I haven't wrotten any blogs for a while. The reason for that is that my mind is sooo messed up!
I am graduating in a few months, and I am looking for a job. I dunno where I will live, what I will work...anything...dark spot. I feel very insecure. If I was still b/p-ing I would most probably not care so much, but i would also feel like sh*t and would not have time to do anything about the situation. Now I am applying for many jobs, and there is still no results, it is very discouriging, but I have to keep going.
Apart from that. I decided to go out to celebrate my birthday last Sathurday. My bag was stolen with my money for more than 2 weeks, my phone, all my documents, etc, etc...the policeman was an idiot and he wrote that the bag was lost! So I had a call from them asking me to give a statment about his mistake. Well, i will, but it is too late for my bag to be found...it is long gone now...For a few days I felt really depressed I also got sick. Hope things will get better, coz I have a handful of resposibilities.
Last days had been really difficult for me. It is not just that I am depressed, everytime I am stressed my stomach goes insane...I was even considering purging last night, coz I felt so sick...well... I dunno if that is purging or anything else, but I feel that I am at a high risk for returning to the old habits.
I hope that God will be with me and will give me strenght and faight to keep going formard. I also hope that He will be with all of you, wonderful girls!
So the time has really come.. I mean really.. how do you define rock bottom? I feel like I have been there, but then again I surprise myself and reach a new low. Perhaps a new low, well at least a low of sorts. So my husband went to sleep and I took the opportunity to b/p again, knowing that he might wake up, but hoping he wouldn't. Well he did, and he knew what I was doing straight away.. but he is so tired and sick of this all that he didn't even try and stop me, he just made sure that I wasn't doing any further harm to myself and told me to 'do what I have to do' and let me continue. Eventually as he was lying in bed, listening to me cook and eat food, he pleaded with me to 'purge already'.. kind of like, hurry up and do it so I can stop worrying about you. Its almost as like he just accepted the fact that I was b/p again and didn't feel like he had the energy or the fight in him to stop me any more. Am I that far gone? Am I beyond help? How can this behaviour be accepted in our house, how can this be ok? It's not, it is not ok to do this, to eat until I feel sick and then throw it up, this behaviour is not normal and it is NOT ok. I've been through so much with this illness, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I am not happier, I am not any less depressed or anxious and all if feel is extreme self-hatred for the fact that I can't suceed at recovery. My main problem I think is that I can't accept that things might change, that things might actually get better so I go and self-sabotage. The fact that being successful at recovery is the one thing that I have continually failed at. It is at the root of my problem, the reason I get depressed, the reason I get anxious, the reason that I inflict pain on myself, and the reason that I hate myself - because this is the ONE thing I have NEVER been good at.
So far my recovery has been going well. I have not b/p since the day before I joined this site, over two weeks now. But the problem I am facing is 'mini binges'. I know that I need to recognize that I am making progress from the fact that my binging is getting smaller, but it is very discouraging and tempts me to diet that I am still slightly binging, but not making up for it in any way. I am trying to resist telling myself that that will only fuel the bulimia. But it is very hard to just accept 'binging' and move on, even t hough I know I have been having more 'subjective' than 'objective' binges. Take for example, this morning I woke up, got put immediately in a bad mood by my mother, and ate a piece of coffee cake, a granola bar, and some ice cream. Not the whole cake, the whole box of granola bars, or the whole carton of ice cream, but I still feel gross about that and its hard to stop thinking about it and move on with my day.
This is something I've been meaning to write about for a while, but have not had the change yet so it might sound like yesterday's news to most of you. However, since, I do feel quite strongly about it, I decided to post this now:
Even if you don't live in the Uk, you probably know that a couple of weeks ago Prince William tied the knot with a beautiful commoner by the name of Kate Middleton. The hype for this event obviously went through the roof not just in the UK, but worldwide. Although I really like Kate and think that she deserved all the media attention that she received since the engagement was announced, one thing that really did upset me was the fact that she got to her wedding day looking like a sickly stick figure. What a shame! Now that even the fashion industry was showing signs of favoring again fuller looking models, It could have been the chance to send a different message to the public by maintaining her normal, healthy figure. What troubles me even more is the fact that in order to unnecessarily shed those pounds, she chose that new Dukan fab diet. This is, for those of you who don't know it, is the ultimate high protein, unbalanced and, frankly speaking, dangerous for the health.
Yes. I had a terrible DAY in "recovery", in fact I've had a terrible week. Yesterday I went out and drank and ended up sleeping with some guy and then spent today feeling shitty about being hung over and having lost my morals and binged all day long. The thing is, this disease isn't what I want. I want to be treating myself like a fucking princess. I want to eat great food and enjoy my life. I don't want to spend the day eating shit to the max and then feeling fat. What a sad existence.
I WANT MORE THAN THIS. I know after every binge I need to reflect on it. Basically it was triggered definietly by being hungover, but also I have a lot on my plate emotionally these days. I seem to have "messed" things up with this guy I'm seeing. I sorta told him I'm feeling bored and he left my place and just didn't call again. So I went into his work and apologized and said if he still wants to see me to call. He hasn't called yet. He seemed to really like me until I fucked up. So maybe he didn't like me enough to begin with, because we all make mistakes.
I need to not let this make me feel like shit. I'm human, I make mistakes, I say stupid things without thinking. I don't think I should punish myself just because he's not interested in me anymore-- I'm better than that. I fucked up but I'm still a great person, right?
No room for wondering, no right's, YES I AM A BLOODY AMAZING GIRL! Problems and all.
I'm going to be diligent about taking these goals seriously. I need to take action if I want to get back on track to the recovery train.
1.) I'm not eating any desserts from my work for at least two weeks. In two weeks I will reevaluate the situation. For now though, they are triggering me majorily.
I started off having a bad morning. B/Pd from breakfast all through lunch. Then I looked outside and saw how beautiful it was and made myself go mow the lawn. The sun and a little bit of exercise was just what I needed to stop the cycle.
But I have to be careful today. I'm really wanting to restrict. I felt hungry and my first thought was, what has fewer calories? No No No! Bad Rochelle! Enjoy whatever you're craving, just do it mindfully.
My husband has been gone all morning on a fishing trip. I'm really hoping he gets back soon. He keeps me accountable. I didn't quite realize how much I relied on him on the weekends. I am amazed at how quickly I turn back to my old habits when I lose focus. It's scary.
But the rest of today can be a good day...and it will be.
This is my first blog since the start of February when I relapsed after 5 months of recovery. I don't know where I pulled the strength during that time; there hasn't been so much success over the past few months.
I've become withdrawn again with the domination that this disorder has over one's life. Hence the lack of blogs/updates/rarararrr. So where am I at?
My activity levels have skyrocketed with due to resistance training at the gym and the extra cardio work I do outside. Obviously the need for more food rises and this compounds on my... complications. I'm not going to lie. I count calories. I know the macronutrient levels of the food I'm putting into my body. I feel the need to do this to ensure I'm taking in enough protein and fat - I tend to seriously under eat fat which isn't healthy for my body. I'm getting results (rebuilding muscle onto the frame I nearly destroyed due to anorexia) but I know the counting thing isn't beneficial to recovery.
Relapsing is occurring almost on a schedule. During the week, I'll have no issues. I have a meal plan and work keeps me busy which gets me through the day. Friday afternoon and Saturday's are when the train wreck occurs. Typical situation; I'm back home for the weekend in the place where that ritual occurs. Nobody else will be about for a day. "I promise this will be the last time" still running through my mind from the previous week. Mega de-ja-vu. Thoughts get replaced. *picks up wallet and goes shopping*
I'm going to have to find something to occupy my mind on the weekends to get through this. In the past I'd do some long distance walking but due to the rest of the week, I need to rest to prevent overtraining. Resting. Not hanging over a damned toilet.
Girls, I could really use some tips... Well, I have to tell you that I developed my ED after having a toxic and unhealthy relationship for almost 4 years. Now everything is different in my life, but past is haunting me again. I met this guy few weeks ago and he’s all I ever wanted... I mean he really is perfect so far and I am so insecure about myself that have these negative thoughts all the time. I wish I could enjoy this relationship and time I spent with him... But, if he does not call for even one day, I get all messed up emotionally. I want this to end! I am half way through my recovery and I think the next step is to have a healthy relationships.
Please can you help me with advice? I am sure he is really into me, but negative thoughts still make me suffer.
When I am at the bottom with my bulimia, I tend to cut off anything positive. I stay away from people and I chain my mind to bulimia. I don't come onto this site because I am too scared to face the truth. Today, I finally gathered up my courage to come here and it helped a lot. I am on and off bulimic for three years. I became bulimic to be thinner. In the beginning it worked but my binges became too big to compensate for by vomiting. I am ashamed of myself. I waste food, time, and money for this when I could be putting all of that into my life goal. I need help.
Girls, I could really use some tips... Well, I have to tell you that I developed my ED after having a toxic and unhealthy relationship for almost 4 years. Now everything is different in my life, but past is haunting me again. I met this guy few weeks ago and he’s all I ever wanted... I mean he really is perfect so far and I am so insecure about myself that have these negative thoughts all the time. I wish I could enjoy this relationship and time I spent with him... But, if he does not call for even one day, I get all messed up emotionally. I want this to end! I am half way through my recovery and I think the next step is to have a healthy relationships.
Please can you help me with advice? I am sure he is really into me, but negative thoughts still make me suffer.
today it was rainy so i figuered my work was cancelled because we dont work when it is rainy and the weather forcasters perdicted thunderstorms. I decided instead to drop my husband off at work and then I didnt know what I was going to do. I kep telling myself that bping wasnt an option and that I have been doing so good. But I knew ed was in my head and I was pretty sure I would end up bping. I got my wallet and went to the market sat in the parking lot thinking. AM I really doing this? am I really going to buy binge food go home and pig out and purge before i go to my yoga workshop? After a few mins I tohught no!! i drove to a differnt place and got some breakfest. I thought to myself I will eat this then decided if i want to bp. I thought ed would win though. However then my phone rang and my boss said I had to come into work. At first I was pouty part of my was looking forward to the bp. But instead I eat my breakfest worked all day ate lunch and snack, went to a yoga training came home and had dinner with my husband. What a wonderful day!
I'm seeing a trend in today's blogs....and up until now I have been refraining from posting my own due to my inability to post something positive. But that's what recover is all about. Taking the good with the bad....and learning from both. So I'm going to walk through my thoughts today and try to learn where I went wrong by the end..
Finally finally I got to sleep in this morning until 9:30. It was glorious. I needed it so badly. But the second I opened my eyes I asked myself if today was going to be a good day or a bad day in recovery. I tried to convince myself it could be a good day. I could get up and go for a run. But nope, it was cold and rainy. I could have a nice hot bowl of oatmeal then knit. Yeah...maybe....but this is my only day of being home alone and I really do want to binge. So I did. And as I did I was full of excuses. All of which are complete and utter crap.
I live two lives. The strong, fun, positive, responsible, has-her-shit-together girl that I bring to work. I'm proud of this girl. I was offered a promotion last week to be the clinical lead of our OR. It means more money, but it also means more stress. It would be great experience. But it would mean more hours. So I declined. Now is just not the right time. I need to get the "other" me fully recovered before I try to think about advancing my career.
So today continues to be gloomy, in every aspect.
I think once I go into work later and come home to my husband for the weekend that things will normalize. They usually do on the weekends. I look forward to that. Yes, this is a low day, but I did it to myself. I have a bad attitude today. When I change my attitude, my day will get better. It's all up to me.
It is the same old thought process that led up to my decision to make a binge, so that is nothing new.
The building on tension, the racing heart, the nervous mind... "just please I need some relief." "I just need a reminder" "I just want to binge so badly"
And so I did, three times in a row. And as I sad there is my room with my binge food set all around me.. the amount of food that probably would have served a party of 6 if they were really pigging out. And it just really hit me how out of control this is. How far I have fallen into the pits of a true eating disorder.
For the first 6 or so much of binging and purging I think I still was under the impression that it was just a phase and that I would get over it. But now I see that I have been caught by bulimia. I am as trapped as someone who has had it for 10 years.
So I actually did learn something from my binge(s) last night. I learned that this is real. This is not a phase I might grow out of. And it will kill me and ruin my life if I let it.
Honestly I am scared. Scared because I know I CAN recover and scared because I don't know if I WILL. I am scared because I know its not going to be a matter of coming out of the phase..
I don’t think I ever truly realized it existed. I tried to keep things simple and… physiological, if you know what I mean. I thought: well, for one reason or another we restrict our food. At some point our true nutritional needs kick in and we binge, simple. Next, for one reason or another, we feel guilty, so we purge. The end of the story.
But now I appreciate the vicious side of bulimia. It’s not just an eating disorder, it’s a true addiction. It’s like when people wonder how come someone can’t live without things that are clearly toxic and destructive to him/her (alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, toxic lover). I never thought I could become addicted to feeling light, empty and.. weak. To feeling light-headed and sick from starvation. Never thought that feeling my ribs, shoulders and collar-bones could be so rewarding. Never thought I would want to feel painfully full, just to throw it up a minute later. And god, how come that it makes you feel so relieved?
I have no idea how to change these associations, how to start feeling rewarded by the fact I’m recovering (am I?). I know that EVERYONE who knows about my disorder wants me to recover, BUT I DON”T! I feel it’s MY thing, MY space, MY friend or foe. For once I don’t want to do what the others want me to… Why can’t I feel that the right words are right??
One of the members here wrote something very wise: we all need to change our thinking and try to have control not over our disordered eating but over our healthy eating. How come we all struggle with that so much? How come that we can push ourselves to eat super few kcal everyday for weeks (until we inevitably b/p) but we can’t stick to the routine of eating proper-sized meals 3 times a day plus snacks? How come I’m more relaxed about food when I know I don’t have to eat it (until I’m starving) than when I know I’ll have to eat again in 3 hours?
What an irony, isn’t it? Following this way of thinking, my disorder works for me better at the moment than my recovery… Has anyone an explanation for this paradox???
I go to school 4-5 hours away from my boyfriend, and it can get hard sometimes, but I am happy to say that today was our one year anniversary. He is so loving and supportive, I have no idea what I did to deserve someone like him. Honestly, messed up girls like me with screwed up childhoods and a laundry list of psychological issues do not typically end up with completely normal and stable people. I feel so blessed. Anyway, he came up to visit for a few days and I did so well when he was here. I never even THINK about binging and purging when I'm with him because he makes me feel happy and beautiful. But then the minute he left, it was back to usual. And both of my room mates have been gone all week and left me alone in our apartment. I am 21 years old and this should NOT be a big deal, but it has meant that I have been acting out in my eating disorder full force every second of the day except for those moment when I am sleeping. I'm going to be alone until Sunday and I don't think my body can handle much more of this. It was so nice to have a break from this for the past two days, why can't I just be like this all the time?
Is the me I'm trying to get my hands on...
There I am, comfortable as can be in my skin, finally pursuing what I want. Not following anyone, dancing to the beat of my drum...
Things were great, and then my birthday happened and they got a bit more intense. My eating has been wonky since recovery started. I've been overindulging a heck of a lot and having troubles over eating and not eating to fullness and hunger cues. I can tell I've been stressed out, and certainly letting go of all my food rules is stressful. My goals for right now are these:
- not to eat dessert everyday, just because I can eat dessert again.
- to ask what I feel like eating and honor that
- to honor what I eat, to make my food with love, to be thankful for the nourishment I receive, and to enjoy what i eat
- to eat when I'm hungry and stop when i'm full. To not eat with distraction
On the brightside:
My ex wanted to meet up to talk and listened to my instinct and decided I wasn't ready for that
I am realizing more and more everyday that I want to go into the mental health industry and help people like me
I may have really fucked things up with the guy I'm seeing but realize there's only so much I can do, and if he doesn't forgive me, that's out of my hands. I hope he forgives me though....
Just an update, alright ladies...
So the time has finally come :( I went out last night and had the most awesome night of my life, well with the help of a few drinks I felt better after nearly having a anxiety attack getting ready. I went to a concert where one of my favourite music artists was performing. I even ended up getting a photo with him :) but just then my friend put up pics of us from last night and there is a photo of me and I look soooooooooooooooooooo f'n fat!!!! like seriously massive :( i knew the fatness would come one day but seriously it shocked me of how big i look. I am now back to what I looked like in high school :( meaning I probably weight Xkg aswell :( i really cant cope with this ay, i am in tears! i just want to stop eating now, i hate photos and mirrors and my fucking life! I cant believe I went and met up with my ex last night and stayed at his, I hated him touching me so much as it was because he knew me when i was thinner and way hotter and he hasnt seen me for ages and then he saw me like i am now :( so not going back there anyway even though I felt so safe with him like always but just knowing how fat and ugly i was totally put me off!!!! even if he did mention that he likes me better without my extension in... meh!
I just want to be normal again :( I am trying to do the right thing but this has just set me back a hundred steps. Have to change my diet again and step up the exercise. this is fucked!
When is my hair going to be normal? I have had so many good days the last two months nearly and my skin is still shit. and to top it all off i look like a fat heffer :( I even stopped myself from purging last night cos i felt fat and uncomfortable from over eating but I didnt want a puffy face in any photos. Didnt make a difference cos i looked fat all over :( ...this is fucked!!!!
I just want to cry and cry and cry, this is so f'd
So I went to my first session with a counselor. I get 5 free sessions through an Employee Assistance Program at work. Unfortunately EDs are not what she specializes in. Turns out, there are no ED specialists in my area. But I talked with her for an hour. I guess it was my intake session. She mostly asked those awesome open-ended questions and I felt embarrassed to be admitting all my "issues" to her. At the end, she said she'd still like to work with me if I'm ok with that. I figured it can't hurt. It's free. I dunno. The whole ordeal stressed me out and I b/p'd immediately following the session. How lame is that. I was doing so well.
I've noticed two things. I do really well when it is sunny outside and when I don't have a stressful week at work. Alternately, when the weather is gloomy and I put in 12-hour days, I do poorly. This is not rocket science I realize, but the difference it makes is quite striking.
I am really torn about my job. I love most parts of it. Unfortunately my job does not meld well with my recovery. I am not able to take breaks (or drink water...or pee for that matter) on many days. I end up in that distressed hunger state which never ends well. I never know how many or how long a case will go so I can't plan and schedule my days. Plus the cases are literally life and death situations at times so that adds more stress. And we just had some major management changes that don't seem to be for the good. But it is so fulfilling. It is exciting. I get to be moving through the whole shift (ie: not a desk job). Time flies by. I am proud of the work I do. So that leaves me stuck. I really don't know what to do.
I'm just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I don't feel like I can catch up. Not with sleep. Not with chores. Not with recovery. I hate this feeling. I've had a bad day. I must do well tomorrow.
I am so stoked, I feel like last's nights binge was the last of those couple steps back in the recovery process before a leap forward. I tossed and turned all night long I was in so much pain from over indulgence. I finally got really pissed at myself, enough to look into the why and how to overcome in the future. Which brings me to my list. I need to have a grab bag of ideas to nurish my mind body and spirit the next time I'm too tired to do anything but veg out and eat. There are so many little ways I can take care of myself but don't because I
do not have the time and when I have the time, don't have the energy.
When I have a little energy:
1. I can tackle my to do list that stretches on for infinity. One thing at a time. I will put the list away out of sight when I can not accomplish anything on it so that it doesn't add to my stress. I am not super woman. I do not need to get everything done at once.
2. Find receipes I want to try and either cook them or just put ingredients on the grocery list.
3. Make new CDs for my classes and download music.
4. Food prep (cut fruits and veggies, make trail mix, muesli, etc) careful with that one!
5. record all of my races for last year and this one.
When exhausted (most likely):
1. Pedicure, nails
2. Home facial and teeth whitening
2. Sometimes just to pluck eyebrows, quetip my ears and apply leave in conditioner all in one day is a miracle!
3. Hot bubble bath, ahhh
4. Hot tea while icing knees, yeah I'm getting old what can I say
5. Foam roller and stick for self massage
6. Restorative yoga
7. Mind power audio from this site
8. Catch up with all my lovely friends on this site
9. Journal entry
10. Finally write my positive list
11. Call or email friends I've been out of touch with
12. Read my bible, prayer, reflection time
13. Read the book I only got one chapter into or the stack of magazines I haven't had time to read
14. Let my mind flow into creative writing or poetry
this contains weight and numbers please dont read if u feel may be triggering.
At college we today started having sessions with a personal trainer, as a group in order to help improve our stamina for our next production (physical theatre and contains loads of dance).
He weight us on a special machine which works out weight, muscle mass, bone density, water percentage, metabolic age etc, etc.
I weighd 8st 8llbs but had a BMI of 13.5. To me this sounds impossible, I've always been told 18.5 is underwight and below 17 is low enough to class as anorexic.
The trainer doesnt know about my ed but said that a BMI of 13.5 is excellent, thats what the top athletes are/aim (apparently athletes aim for between 12-16) for and thats what he would like to be.
I want to feel quite proud but feel fat and ashamed of weight at same time yet I know it must be wrong my bmi surely cant be that???? I done the test twice but it has to be a mistake??? dont know wat to think???
please wright back.
Just a note of thanks for everyone’s support and response to my blog, it means a great deal to me and helps immensely. Today I came to the unfortunate realization that, duh; I have obviously not recovered from bulimia. BUT, I do give myself a pat on the back for at least re-engaging and recommitting myself to recovery, as I mentioned, I am dealing with some bulimic “thoughts,” but they are thoughts and not actions. Still, I find it interesting,, that though I am NOT engaged with bping...I still feel guilty for even going there in my mind, ugh, the guilt! The one things that does help is imagining, from a birds eye view, what the god-awful “nuts and bolts” of bping entails and looks like from an outside perspective, pretty awful when I imagine this. When I was in the throes of my bulimia there was a reason I avoided mirrors, because the sheer act of binging and purging is visually horrible and dare I say traumatic.
The one thing I can say for sure, and I smile hesitantly when I right this, is that it has gotten a little easier, and I really hope that this has some meaning to anyone reading this. There was a definite time when I honestly felt like bulimia controlled me and I was weak to its siren call, but I have gotten better at shushing that voice and learning coping mechanisms to offf-set a binge. One thing that has REALLY made a difference is realizing that I bp as a stress release, now, I often take a quick 15 minute nap. For some reason when I wake up it is almost like I had a “reboot.” Also, since committing to recovery, I reward myself with little treats, such as a massage, mani/pedi, new magazine etc. Spending the money on these nice things, rather than binge food, always make me feel so much better.
Take care everyone!
so i woke up yesterday saying nice kind things to myself ... you will have a great day you will eat well and smile and be happy
they morning was good then work got really busy and stressful so yep on the way home stopped off at the shops and brought a lot of junk food and the cycle started again went to bed feeling really tired and drained and now have woken up feeling dehydrated and down i feel so guilty about last night and that i cant seem to be able to deal with a stressful day. feel bad to because my boyfriend called me last night and i couldnt wait to get him off the phone so i could keep eatting feel like a very bad person beacuse i this i hate hinding this side of me i dont like this side i me. anyway am hoping that today will be better and if i get stressed to take 5 min to breath and try and deal some other way .... heres hoping that this will be a good day for me
I just ordered food to be delivered to my house :( That’s 13+ $ that I KNOW will end up being flushed down the toilet. Thankfully, I rarely go out of my way to buy binge food. I just eat what is in my parent’s house. . . I hope buying food like this does not become habit. I will not allow it to become a habit.
I'm supposed to be doing my final work for school today, but I’ve been b/ping for hours already, and it's barely noon. I’m terrified of the future, I panic whenever I think of responsibilities & I just don’t know what to do anymore. . .
I'm literally trembling from anticipation of binging, being deyhdrated, and being so damn dissapointed in myself. Bulimia is the ultimate love/hate relationship. I'm so tired of abusing, and at the same time comforting myself with this eating disorder.
I've been trying to recover since January, after almost 3 years with bulimia. I've gone through different stages, ups and downs, motivation kicks and determination to recover... But just now... I don't see the point in all this. I'm going through a pretty stressful time, loads of responsibilities have been put on me - I'm running a field station and supervising the person in charge of the second one, I'm also carrying out 2 very big projects that are supposed to be a big part of my PhD thesis. It's also physically demanding time - for last 4 weeks I've been getting up at 4am, spending all days in the forest catching birds, doing lots of planning, paper work and other arrangements back at station - and that won't change until early July... I'm surrounded by people here, so I thought it would be easier to get my eating routines right but in fact... I've never been so anxious about food before, have been binging or b/p virtually everyday since I came here. It seems simply too much to deal with all this stress, responsibilities, physical challenges AND the recovery process... I don't see the point in recovering now, because with my ED-thinking I b/p as well as with my recovery-thinking plus recovery thinking makes me feel much more anxious, disappointed and disgusted with myself (!!!). Is it possible that there is a better or worse time to start a recovery? I just want to 'postpone' my recovery, wait until all this shit is over...
One thing I will never truly understand is how this came about in the first place. Ive always been weight conscious but never to the point of obsessing over it. Ive been bulimic since december and already it alters the way I think and function everyday. Ive had success weeks where ive not binged for a week or two.. now its to the point where i have good days and bad days. Its gotten better but still its vicious and it needs to be gone. I dont know why I keep putting myself in the binging situation when most of the times i start the binge ive gotten to the point where i question how i could get out of it... and sometimes it works.. just not all the time. I beat myself up not physically but emotionally. Im too hard on myself which only contributes to more binges. There has to be a way to beat this. And determination is key i guess.. But its just really letting me down.. I try to be happy but Im living in fear of food..
It's only been a few days of cutting out the night eating and already I feel so much better. About every other day I used to eat very little in the daytime, and then within a few minutes of going to bed I would eat a huge meal. It would always result in waking up with these unbearable food hangovers.
I just made the simple switch of eating during the day and not eating at night, which feels incredible, I can actually wake up with the energy to do what I want to do during the day!
I can honestly say that I'm in my 4th week of recovery and I would like to say that I'm not feeling very good about myself. I've been trying to stay motivated with books from Geenen Roth and a help from a councillor. I've been really trying to focus on the positives but my clothes are starting to feel tight and I can't help but feel that I need to fast or starve or etc. I can't get past the feelings of anxiety and even though my mind is not excessively thinking about B/P or my next meal. The focus has shifted to not being comfortable with the weight gain and how my clothes are fitting. Either way, I'm a control freak depending on the situation and I can't seem to get out from underneath the cycle. It's an OCD that I need to break away from but I feel that my deep 20 year disorder will never let me be free from the daily anxiety that I feel. I don't want to gain weight and I was afraid of this! This is what leads me back into the same old weight gain/loss cycle once again. What can I do to shift my mindset from wanting to starve for the sake of fitting comfortably in my clothes?
Note: I am periodically updating this.
1) I'm finally graduating with two Bachelor's degrees.
1.5) Books on CD are awesome.
2) Summer is here. Finally.
3) I'm moving away from the North Midwest for good. Finally. I am NOT a winter person. Winter makes my bulimic behavior worse. I am going back south, FINALLY.
4) I will be a receptionist at a yoga studio again. Yay California!!!
5) My friendships here have been amazing and I have learned a ton from them.
6) I have more compliments about how I look than ever before, now that I'm not actively bulimic. Another bulimia paradox.
7) THE SUN THE SUN THE SUN!!!!!! I love the sun!
7.5) I love running barefoot!
I am new to the site but feel great hope in being here. Bulimia is such a lonely place. I am so tired of it and want to change and be better and go on with my life and be done with it. Everyday is the same thing for me- I fast then binge and purge. My skin is dry, my teeth rotting, my body tired and sore. I am trapped in this cycle of self-loathing and destruction. I am honestly afraid of food. If I eat healthy, I am afraid it will trigger a binge. I have no idea why binging has such a hold on me. I hate it. HATE IT.
No one knows about my B/ping. I lead a double life. Very successful, motivated, strong. Yet I have a secret that keeps me from things in life. And keeps me from being happy.
Thank you for being here. I look forward to getting to know all of you.
Today started out so wonderfully with a 6am swim before work. I taught a good spin class mid way through work. Had healthy snacks and lunch. Did my mountain bike and short run training in the after noon, picked up my daughter and felt the stress of trying to rush to get dinner cooked, bath and homework done when my daughter knocked over the plant spilling dirt all over the carpet. I reassured her it was fine, just an accident. I felt overwhelmed. Stupid little stuff of life but the one thing I didnt get was any down time today so I told myself just half hr in front of tv then get done the rest of the stuff I need to. Well, then the snacks started and didn't stop. My stomache hurts from fullness. I have no desire to purge accept that then I wouldn't be in pain. I'm laying there thinking what is wrong with me?! I am so dedicated to my training and can forge through even when Im tired because I know I have goals and the only way to reach them is to work hard. But here is the most important goal for my health and I let myself down time and time again. This site is my only life line and that feels so pathetic to say but I am so afraid to tell anyone else and my bf can't always be there for me. I feel like I'm doomed to be one of those people who don't own a tv. Bf doesn't think it is tv that is a trigger but when I'm completely drained and zone out in front of it I seem to stop trying and have no will. If only I had written this hours ago instead maybe it would have saved me tonight. Man I wish I had a rewind button. Why can't I just tell myself how unworth it is to over eat? I was pretty hungry when I was making dinner. Perhaps my snack after last workout wasnt enough and that coupled with my stress/pms (which happens to be lasting forever this month) was what set me up. I know the first I read this info and realized most of my bulimia started from not eating enough or restricting. Maybe I just haven't been as dedicated to the recovery process as I should be.
Something that helps me not binge as much is eating high protein foods and foods with some fat. Chicken, shrimp, fish, nuts, and peanut butter ( i like unsalted) are the best. They keep blood sugar levels stable, so much more than high sugary foods. I have to be careful not to try to eliminate carbs totally though and keep a balanced diet though!
I am making my way through recovery and do find myself struggling of late. I wonder if others find recovery to exhausting, I am very tired of thinking about my ED and the struggle to quell the voice to give in. At times, waking up in the morning is hard, I languish a bit knowing that today will be another battle. I have so much to do and my "to do list" is epic, how in the world does bulimia fit into my busy life??? Ultimately I realize it does not, can not. Regardless, I know I am happier not giving in, but...I hate the fact that recently I have been fighting more so the voice to give in.
So sorry if this is a downer, I suppose this is all part of the process...
so i have been a memeber of this site for a while but havnt written anything untill today. i have started to recover so many times and at times i have done really well lasting months at a time but i guess i never really dealt with the many problem so i am starting over again this time i am tring to be kind to myself because i have never really treated myself kindly.
i am so over this never ending cycle and cant wait to break free
am so over feeling this panic in me when i eat to much, or no that i missed my daily exercise
am so over feeling guilty about eatting something "bad" and then hiding my eatting from family and partner
am so over worring about what people will think of my size\weight
am so over panicing about an upcoming event and reducing my food intake to make sure i can fit into a dress
so i have made promise to myself to be kinder to myself this time because if i dont like myself who else will.
Well got to day 7 then done it all over again, and again tonight on day 8. Im not depressed, just anxious and stressed and just want to feel empty. Wish i could go to bed and sleep for a few days to lose a few pounds and not think about meals. I was eating out yesterday and had meetings and a seminar today so again kind of eating out. I am at the seminar tomorrow but hoping I can eat at home tomorrow night and not go daft at the buffet tomorrow lunchtime. Why have I changed from craving savoury to sweet things? Got a referal through for a support group here in Norway but letter all in Norwegian and I can't ask anyone here to translate as I dont want anyone to know. I want to look good at seminar tomorrow and am now all bloated and feel yuk.. Tomorrow another day. I need to get a grip,
i'm so afraid to start eating again. Every single thing I eat, whether it's a peice of cake or a single apple, triggers a b/p. . . i do not eat anthing between b/ps. . . I am just barely overweight at the moment, so obviously i do want to lose weight. In a healthy way, with exercise and normal portions of food... i just know that i'm going to gain weight once i start eating/hydrating again though. :( HELP :(
Soooo it has been way to long since I have posted. On December 12, almost 6 months ago, I committed myself to recovery, no matter what. I did great for like 2 months, no slips, eating what I wanted, exercising, and just very determined. I had a slip after 2 months, then it was like a slip every few weeks, slowly turned into every week, and no here I am once every other day for the last 5 weeks! SOmetimes 2 days in a row. Now compared to what I was at my worst, 5 times a day and eating nothing in between, I have still made progress. I eat normal outside of my slips. But I have noticed trying to eat extra healthy and things I could eat 5 weeks ago scare me again.
I just feel like I am hanging on a cliff... I want to climb back to where I was motivated and strong and eating what I wanted. I am hanigng here with that annoyingly appealing "one last time won't hurt"... I feel like Ed was so sneaky and crept back in slowly and I don't know what to do.
Being alone is my biggest trigger... but I had been making progress..I had managed to get through some of those times...it was amazing... now it seems impossible. As soon as I have a half hr or more alone, BOOM!
I don;t understand why I am struggling so much right now... and as I approach the 6 month mark, I really really want to get back to doing as well as I was.
Thank guys, you have all been sooo helpful, and I don;t know where I would be without you!
Yesterday I was so close to having a perfect day in recovery. I woke up, had coffee and a good breakfast, relaxed until lunch, had a good lunch. Then I went out shopping until dinner, had a good dinner and even a snack before bed. I went to sleep feeling content, not too hungry and not too full...perfect actually, BUT then for some stupid reason around 12:00am I decided I wanted to have a piece of toast. WELL...1 piece led to 2, and 3, and 4....and so on...and I binged. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!!!
It's like I just want to sabotage myself. How am I ever going to recover if this keeps happening. This always happens!!! I try doing the whole recovery thing, but I can't keep myself from bingeing. I'll binge for a few days, and then I just can't take it anymore and by the 3rd day I end up b/ping because I need some relief. At this point in time I don't know how I'll ever get better.
Any suggestions would be much appreciated...
After having a good day I was on my last couple hour stretch at work. It was really slow and I started to feel the fog rolling in.
"What do you want ED?"
"Well you know, I was just thinking. I don't think binging tonight would be a bad idea"
"What in gods name makes you think that ED?"
"You have been doing really well lately Steph. I know it is really painful to say goodbye to me. But I think you could use a good reminder of why you don't want me in your life anymore. You know what they say.. slips aren't failures. It will be a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.."
"Hmm.. yeah I am always down for a good lesson in recovery.. I mean, to strengthen it and all."
"Yeah exactly Steph! Knowledge is power! I mean think of all you can learn.. Maybe that you need to reach out, or maybe you can learn something about yourself.. like the fact that you give in way too easily to nonsense manipulation. If nothing else is will just be a powerful reminder of how much you hate me right?"
He was quiet for a moment while I thought about this.. and then he quietly added..
"Plus.. it will be like killing two birds with one stone. On top of the wonderful lessons you will learn from this binge, you will feel good while doing it."
Honestly.. if he hadn't have put that last part in I may have done it. But at that point I said
"WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. You want me to binge to make me feel that satisfaction. You want me to binge to delay my recovery. It has nothing to do with learning JACK SHIT. I already have learned what you have to teach me ED. I know how to reach out. I have support. I know what I need to do to recover. Now I just need to use those tools and do it."
And for some reason [well probably from past experience] he stood there waiting for me to change my mind... until I looked him straight in the eye and said
" From now on I mean what I fucking say ED. No."
It has been a while since I blogged, though I do read everyone's blog and I am so appreciative and amazed on the progress made and the authenticity of everyone's writing. As for me, I have been doing pretty well, can't recall when my last BP was, but for some reason I have been having some urges to succumb to my ED and it REALLY frightens me. Right now, I feel as though I am teetering on the edge of giving in and it scares me to know end. Of course I am wondering why, what is going on and how can I nip this in the bud. I have been restricting as I am stressed and tend not to eat as much when in the throes of a deadline etc. So CLEARLY this is an issue and need to get back on my schedule, i am sure we can all relate to the struggle to follow mindful eating. I do love not BPing and know how very quickly I can spiral downward. The scary thing is that I have been slipping in excuses to BP, I have not given in yet, but the sheer fact that these thoughts are entering into my brain frightens me. So for now, I am going to be a more active blogger, I hope this helps me pull out of this potential tail spin. Life without bulimia is not perfect, but I so very much want to continue on this road of health.
Take care all and thank you for any support you are able to provide.
Since it was my birthday today I figured I should sum up the year of being 28.
In one year I have:
- Dated 8 different men, one I dated more than once
- Got my heart broken once
- had pneumonia twice
- Been to 7 different countries (China, England, Sweden, Belgium, Holland, Denmark, Germany)
- Spent 62 hours in airplanes
- Had 3 different hair styles
- Bought 11 pair of shoes
- Been unemployed for 2 months, almost both of which I spent traveling
- Had 3 different employers
- Had a depression that never seems to end
- Been horse riding 72 times
- Run 620 km
- Gained 13 kg
- Kissed 7 men
- Slept with 3
- Been to one memorial service of a friend
- Thought about starting over daily
- Started over twice
- Cried in public twice
- Seen two fashion shows
- Been VIP 3 times
- Got promise of eternal love once
- Had broken promise of said eternal love once
- Cried 9 times
- Quit my job twice
- Had one pay rise
- Called in sick 6 days
- Been to 124 dinner parties
- Been in 2 arguments
- Made 8 new good friends, reconnected with 2
- Spoke to my mom on the phone 110 times, met her in person 8 times
- Been in over 100 meetings
- Held 11 pitches and 34 presentations
- Entered 2 competitions, won once
- Filled 4 sketch books
- Changed my facebook profile pic twice
- Moved country
- Moved apartments 5 times
- Became an apartment owner
- Joined a new gym twice
- Done one charity race
- Seen 24 exhibitions and 4 concerts
- Been to Mt Everest
- Spent almost half a year binge and purge free
- Spent the other half relapsing
- Spent 31 nights in hotels
- Was told that I was loved 242 times
- Was told I was beautiful 309 times
- Today 92 people congratulated me, 5 was family, 3 family friends, 8 colleagues and the rest friends
- Today I got 6 presents, three post cards and cake twice
anyone in the Chicago area, in the city or suburbs? I was thinking of trying to get a group together to hangout and take our minds off Ed.
Just wanted to apologize if my previous post was triggering to anyone! I didn''t mean it in that sense. I simply asked because my main struggle right now is binging - my purging has significantly decreased :) But, because my satiety signals are so screwed up, I'm not sure what is too much food and what is "normal: - so I was wondering what other people considered a binge, and then a normal amount of food to kind of guide me. Again sorry if that was inappropriate, I should have worded it differently. Thanks lovies<3
<3 I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH <3
X. keep fighting, keep smiling X,
I ate so much (yeah, it was that bad) that my dad actually got out of bed to come check on me: and I lied to him. I am a bad person. I should have told him the truth. But today is my 18th Birthday, and it might seem like a dumb reason, but senior skip day is the 18th, and Mom will yell at me and refuse to let me skip/take me shopping as planned. Plus, I am terrified of residential/inpatient. Mom says if I go in the hospital again, I will have to go. I don't even know if I need it. My weight is fine.
The thing is, now that I am 18, she can kick me out. That scares me. I can't believe how much I have messed my life up. I am scared.
I live everyday looking sick, feeling weak, and hating myself.
But, I will get better. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But, someday.
Sorry I havent been on for ages or replied to alot of you all. Have been crazy busy with Uni work and stuff. Would like to say Ive been busy living but not really lol. My life is so boring but am getting better :) I am doing so much better but there is still a few issues that are making me so angry. Its not going to make me go and purge because this is the reason why my body is so f'd. I have taken my hair extensions out about a month ago and since then my hair has gotten SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fine. I seriously am going bald in spots :( I dont understand because i am taking multi-vitamins and silica tablets and I am also eating so much more better. But still its getting worse and not better???? it just makes me want to cry :( I dont go out, I am passing up intimate time with guys because i hate my appearance, dont want anyone seeing me. So anyway the point of this blog is any ideas or recipes or anything that can help my hair and skin improve???? Hope everyone is going well and i will be back on in a few days to write a proper blog and catch up with everyone. Miss you all!!!!!!!!
ps sorry for being selfish :(
X. keep fighting, keep smiling X.
Just came back from the mental hospital. Had my first session w/a doctor and to my surprise, he had no idea how to help me.
Apparently, there isn't much to fix! I'm not too far from a normal person/eater, and my pesky little binge problem isn't too much to worry about.
The real problem, he believes is that I think too much. I worry way more than I should. I'm oversensitive and take things way too seriously. I Never realized this until quite recently actually since Ive been this way my entire life. I thought my dramatic reaction to somebody slightly insensitive comment about peoples weight was normal. I thought my ED was life-threatening and that I had to get better ASAP. I thought that, if I couldn't follow the instructions of the e-book to a T then I was doomed. Not true!
You see, I was raised by an oversensitive mother. She would get crazy angry if I dare said a dirty word. She would scold me if I talked lightly about serious things like death. Now I see why I'm like this. I picked up these perfectionist, oversensitive traits from my mom.
But seriously, the real solution to my ED...its just to take it easy. Not worry too much. Dont read the e-book every day. Dont make eating plans for the rest of the week. Just do what you feel like doing. Thats it.
I love making progress!
I knew today was going to be long and high-stress at work. This has been a trigger for me in the past. Solution: plan ahead. I got to bed at a decent time and slept well. I knew I might not have time to exercise after work so I went for my run before work. I knew I wouldn't get much for breaks while at work, so I packed a lunch. No need to head down to the cafeteria for overpriced, triggering food, especially when I'm tired and hungry. And guess what, it worked. These simple preparations made my day easy. And I made my first appointment with an ED counselor in 2 days. I figure it can't hurt. Maybe she will have some insight or ideas that I've been missing.
So there. I did it. Another good day in recovery. Sure feels good.
today i haven't binged today nor have i purged. this is one day i haven't done either in a very long time. i'm going to take my tea to bed and stay there to avoid the kitchen. i ate a little more than i think i should for dinner. but i'm not over stuffed, just full. so i'm not going to make judgments about it and just be happy. i haven't had a day like this is such a long time and i can't stress that enough so it makes me relieved and happy.
I made it a full month with the help of the program and motivation from within. I celebrated my one month with glasses of Skinny Girl Margarita (which after a 3 its probably not that skinny!) and a glass of wine. Well, I was super hungover the next day. I haven't felt that bad since college and that was a while ago. I craved greasy fries and a burger which has always been a trigger food, not anything I could eat without B/P. I gave in to the craving and felt so guilty the process began. Then a few hours later, I figured the day was shot and binged on all the foods I neglected myself over the month. I snapped out of it when my husband came home but the damage was done. I hate that this happened! I was so proud of myself and ruined it all the next day. So now my count is 4 days B/P free and staying strong and NOT celebrating with alcohol next month!
I haven't been on here in AGES, mostly because I've been doing really well. But I'm not doing so great at this very moment, as I just had a bad binge for the first time in I honestly don't know how long! It's been thirteen months since I last made myself throw up, and I can honestly say I do not consider myself to be bulimic anymore. But right now, I've just eaten myself to the point where I feel physically ill, and that old feeling of wanting to make myself vomit is with me right now. Of course, I will not act on it, because I can imagine where it will take me, but I'm very uncomfortable right now. It's frustrating how I still fall victim to binges, but I suppose I should look at the positives in that they're becoming fewer and further between. Sometimes I wonder--do normal people binge from time to time, too? I'm getting my period in a few days, so it would certainly explain the gross amount of chocolate I just consumed. Do "normal" women binge right before their period? What is a "binge" to a normal person? I know it's all subjective...these questions can't be answered, really, but I guess I just don't want to be pathologizing something that I shouldn't feel so ashamed of. Bah. Ok, I'm going to do some work, go for a very short jog just to break a sweat (in about 2 hours when my food starts to digest), and eat a normal dinner. Thanks for the support, everyone. I would never be one year one month b/p free without you!
Had my first binge yesterday since starting this programme - 5 days binge free then a few drinks Saturday night and full binge Sunday. I've managed to get back on track ok today and started the day by doing a guided eating session with breakfast so hopefully I can move on and accept that the occasional binge will still happen when I'm trying to recover. One thing did make me laugh about it though - when I had entered my binge into the food diary an error message came up saying the box would only allow 255 characters so I had to edit by binge so it fitted! If that's not a sign that somethings gotta change I don't know what is x
My goal has been for the whole month of June to have normal eating habits, which means no more night eating or over eating, and also skipping meals less.
Since night eating is my biggest issue, these next few days in May I made a schedule to take a meditation or dance class every night, so that I'll be too busy to feel like eating at night.
I feel like I want to do as much possible now to give myself confidence about next month, so that even if I do end up eating to much, or skipping a meal, I'll have the confidence to bring things back in balance instead of going into denial and start binging again.
I have more good days than bad, in terms of binging. The bad days always seem to outweigh the good though, no matter how infrequent. It is important to realize though that there was a time when going just one day without binging seemed like an impossibility.
Still, the goal here is not simply having more good days than bad. It is a full recovery. It is freedom.
On the surface, it seems like my reason for binging is generally just 'because I feel like it'. I know there must be more specific reasons though.
1. Eating before I am truly hungry. This produces guilt and a lack of hunger/fullness cues. Plus it is not as satifying
2. Psyching myself up for my next meal. I think and look forward to the next time I will eat too much. And then when it is not all that great I am disappointed and want the satisfaction that only comes from a binge
3. Eating something unplanned. ESPECIALLY when I am not hungry. Even just a bite. If I am legitimately hungry its not as much of a trigger, but when I am not I immediatly go to 'well I already fucked up' or I just want more.
4. When things don't go perfectly I get discouraged and think all my efforts are a waste of time.
5. When I feel like binging my logical mind tries to remind the 'other side' how sucky binging is and how I always end up feeling terrible, but I tell myself that I can't remember how bad it feels and I need a reminded. Just that one last reminder.
1. Wait until I am truly hungry to eat, even if that means I eat late.
2. Concentrate on other things, anything, when it is not time to eat.
3. Remind myself that food is not a drug and not meant to produce a high. It should be enjoyable, but the main goal is satisfying hunger.
4. Stay away from high danger foods until I am less vulnerable
5. Accept that life is a series of trial and error. When things don't go as planned or I am disappointed it just means I need to try something else
(i worte this on someones wall and thought i would share)
for meditation I would suggest you continue to meditate. when you said you were doing that program I was a little hesitant. I cant meditate that way at all. my suggestion for you would be to get comfortable, i like to sit on my couch and i put a pillow behind my head agaisnt a wall so i can really relax and rest my ehad backwards then clsoe your eyes and start to notice god (or whatever you call god) in you, or you can think of it as an inviting god to dwell in you or listening to god in you. i do it by trying to feel the prana or shakti energy within my being. if you mind is active try to let it go but i found this helpfull. there our 8 stages of prayer/meditation and the first 3 stages are various degrees of active mind. so if your mind is actiive it doesnt mean your not meditating. then sit for 20 mins. my teacher says mediate like that 20 mins 2 x a day and it can actually shift your life. it has been study that meditating like that can actually allow you to make a life changing shift. the only other ways to make these shifts are by almost dying like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and then they come back they change there life alot, or by recovering from a stronge addiction (So i think recovering from ed can lead to this) anyways when you are meditating jsut notice the way you feel somethimes i feel a presence of joy, deep love,m surrender, peace. the first few times i really did this meditation without trying any other technique i had a pretty intense experience i felt darkness and i was scared but i stayed with the experience i started crrying but it felt so good i felt alive, and accepeted and loved. it was great that experience lines up pretty closely with me doing so much better with recovery. wow long post
I woke up completely refreshed and content this morning. That awful mood from yesterday just got "slept away" (ha ha). Well, I guess I should give my journaling some credit too. After writing I did feel some relief. But sleep sealed the deal.
It's been a good day today. Nothing exciting. No drama. Got some gardening done. Went to the gym. Spent some quality time with my hubby. It was very nice and relaxing, not-to-mention needed since next week at work is going to be full of difficult cases.
Just wanted to check in and say that all is well.
I'm continuing on with recovery with one more good day under my belt.
This was written in my journal a few days ago, but I hadn't gotten a chance to post it yet.
What is the point of allowing myself to hate my body? I have been having 'pre-restriction' thoughts. They ae the type of thoughts that always use to lead up and pump me up for a crash diet.
I have begun doing the math. Trying to fit restriction into my recovery.
I must have checked my body out 30 times yesterday because I just SWEAR I am getting so fat. I have dreaded stepping on the scale.
But the REALITY is I don't have to step on the scale! That is my faulty thinking that is telling me in order to find out if I am fat I need to weigh myself. I don't ever have to step on the scale again if I don't want to.
The reality is that I have more important goals right now than my weight. Why is my weight always more important than anything else?
Why is the world does weight win over inner peace? Love? Acceptance? Trust?
The reality is I can think about it all I want. I can do that math. But I only really have two choices.
My first choice is to go back to restricting, to obsessively weighing. To thinking about food even more than I already do. Essentially, my first choice is to go backwards.
My second choice is to accept things are they are. To accept my body and accept that there is no such thing as a quick fix. That I have made progress and will only continue to make progress if I let go of rigidity and obsession. You cannot pick and choose and recovery. And restriction can not be wedged in between reducing binge urges and self acceptance.
Today I will do my best to accept myself and where I am. Today. I will not deny my feelings, but rather I will accept them and try and challenge the irrational ones.
im not sure what to do.
im thinking about telling people i have bulimia. and asking for a doctors help to see if i have any internal damage done to me.
but im really scared. scared of what people are going to think and say about me. i dont know if i should follow through with
but on the other hand... i cant live like this anymore. and people are starting to suspect im vomiting... im scared...
i dont want to lose anyone.
i dont want to be sick either.
So it's day 5, PB free. I had a night out with the girls in town last night . I didn't eat much before going out purely becasue I wasn't hungry and had snacked healthily all day. So after cupious amount of alcohol, it would seem that I got a burger a chips on the way home. I say seemed, as I found it half eaten in the living room this morning, which means... I didn't binge to make sure I ate the whole amount, and I do know that I wasn't sick. Sorry this all sounds a bit grose!! The point being, that this site is helping me stay focused this week. I have got the day after munches though, so I am away to work on my thesis for my coaching diploma and i will keep this running in the background, so instead of heading for the fridge I will make a point of reading a blog before I do anything. Updates to follow... x
I've been stalling long enough.... My life is worth more than this.
I don't wan't to die,
I don't wan't to hurt my boyfriend anymore,
I don't want to disappoint my family anymore,
I wan't to look after my single remaining kidney :(
I wan't to glow from the inside,
I wan't to be a good friend,
I wan't to laugh loudly, and know that i'm not faking it,
I wan't to enjoy dinners out with my friends and family and not make excuses to leave the table,
I don't wan't to throw up in public toilets,
I don't wan't to eat in public toilets, such shame :(
I don't wan't people to look at me strangely when i buy stupid amounts of food,
I don't wan't to continue to flush hundreds of dollars of food down the toilet weekly.
I wan't to have money on me and not be compelled to buy food
I wan't to have time to myself without desperately needing to binge
I wan't to show my boyfriend as much love as he shows me.
I wan't to love my body and feel comfortable being me,
I wan't to do well in uni,
I wan't to have a happy family one day,
I wan't to stop lying to the people i love
I wan't to stop lying to myself
I wan't to be a good dental hygienist one day,
I don't wan't dentures at 40 years old.
none of this is possible if i choose to remain bulimic................ I wan't s much more for myself.
We all deserve love..... from ourselves as well as others
treat yourself like you would treat your daughter. Your body does amazing things to keep you alive. We must stop trying to fight it!
Lots of love to everyone :) We can do this!
The last few months have been pretty bumpy to say the least. I have not been trying 100% to beat this. More like about 50%. My percentage of good days has been-
This scares me because I was making progress until this last month and then I put in close to no effort at recoverying. Basically I have taken advantage of the easy days but at the first sign of an urge, given in. One thought about b/ping and I would be stuffing my face 2 seconds later.
But now I'm ready to refocus and do the best as I can for the rest of May. I'm committng 1000% to recovery. I'm going to start journaling again. I just started reading "Bulimia-A Guide to Recovery" last night and will continue reading it. I'm going to make plans of how to make it through triggering situations and actually stick to the plan. I'm going to use every piece of energy in me to fight off urges and never ever give in. PURGING IS NOT AN OPTION. and more importantly BINGEING IS NOT AN OPTION. It's not allowed. I might as well just take the pressure off of myself and just say that it will not happen. I won't let it. It's not the type of person I want to be anymore so I'm not going to do it. Right now I'm Bulimic. I want to change this and you know how I'm going to? I'm just going to stop being bulimic. No more bingeing. No more purging.
Also I'm going to put my scale away for the next week while my body normalizes from not b/ping AT ALL as opposed to every couple of days. No scale. Journaling. Bulima recovery book. Exercise. Healthy food. Great distractions. Pampering myself. and SAVING MONEY. This is my plan and I'm sticking to it!
My short term goal is to make it until Friday the 20th without b/ping because I see my counselor that day. My motivation will be being able to tell her that I've gone a week without b/ping. She'll know I'm making progress then!
2 times in a half a year with critical potassium levels. Now, B/P'ing so many times in a day that I didn't even think it was possible. If I get put in the hospital again, I am going to either get disowned by my parents or be forced into residential, depending on their mood. I have been searching on Google for hours, just looking for cheap ed treatment. I live in crap-hole in Ohio, where there is absolutely no ed support groups or places to go to. My mom won't take me to Columbus twice week for treatment. I don't think I can recover on my own. I tried. I gained back so much weight that I gave up in 1-3 days (where I was still doing it a few times anyway). I shouldn't be alive right now, according to doctors. I feel like if I don't go somewhere now, I could die. If someone would please tell me if you have been to residential, where it was and what it cost, I would greatly appreciate it.
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