This week I want to talk about the reality of hitting rock bottom. What does it mean to hit rock bottom and is it always a bad thing?
People often ask me what happened in my own life to make me want to seek bulimia treatment after suffering for almost 11 years.
When I make a list of the reasons the one thing I always find myself saying helped the most is “hitting rock bottom”.
After almost 11 years my bulimia was worse than ever, it had taken away every part of my life and it was killing me.
Being a slave to my bulimia was the only life I knew:
It was July 2009 and I was probably at the lowest I had ever been. At this point I’d been crying myself to sleep for months. I was bingeing and purging around 20 times a day - every day. I’d even pushed away everything and everyone I loved so I could devote all my time to my destructive behaviours.
I hadn’t known it was possible to hurt so much before that point. I realized I had finally reached the “rock bottom” that I heard so many people talking about.
It’s funny, I thought I’d been at rock bottom many times before, especially during the years in which I struggled with severe depression and suicidal thoughts, but this rock bottom was a new low.
I don’t know how to describe it apart from a total abandonment of all hope.
Bulimia had made me accept a fate that was never really meant for me.
But it also did something else, something wonderful and unexpected - IT EMPOWERED ME!
Finding myself at an all-time low somehow gave me the courage to start believing in the possibility of something better. I had no idea what that “something better” was or how I would get there, but through my desperation I started to believe in something more.
When you’re at rock bottom things cannot get any worse. So how is that a good thing? Well, when things can’t get any worse, they can only either:
1. Stay the same - or
2. Get better
When I started to recover I had no idea if full recovery even existed. I had no idea if it would be possible or if I would be strong enough to make it.
I had no idea if there would even be a person left at the end of it because at that time bulimia was my entire identity and life. Part of me thought that by removing bulimia from my life I would be left with an un-fillable void but I was so low I knew it would be impossible to feel any worse.
So for me being at “rock bottom” wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, it forced me to admit to myself that above all else - I WANTED TO LIVE.
There is a beautiful quote from one of my favourite songs that says, “Believe something more than what you see”.
When you’re trapped by bulimia it can sometimes be impossible to see a way out so you have to make yourself believe in things you can’t even imagine.
When you’re at rock bottom it’s hard to make yourself see the light, but I want you to know that it is always there.
But as you progress with your recovery you will realize that you can take strength from the strangest of places.
It is very possible to manifest courage from the darkest places. To use the bad times as fuel to get to the good times.
This week I want you to think about your own highs and lows in recovery so far, because I think it's safe to say that you will have experienced your fair share of them.
Then I want you to remember one thing - whether you're accessing bulimia treatment online like I did, or going through traditional forms of treatment - even if you can’t really see it yet, recovery will give you more than you ever thought possible.
More than anything, this week I want you to believe something more than what you see!
A daily checklist to help you stop bingeing, stop purging and make peace with food.
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