Bulimia Help

I don't know if I'm strong enough to actively count calories and kjs for a nutrition subject at uni. We look at the entire composition of food like energy, fat, protein.. etc
But I actually have to know and remember the kj content of like everything, and this is what I was actively trying to forget only like 6 months ago...
sigh... what to do?

I'm recovered but am finding myself in the beginings of struggling again mentally...
I dont know what to do...
I dont feel like I need 'help' because there's no issue as such,
and anyway I'm not purging so I'm not bulmic right?
i feel the desire to lose weight and whenever I think like this I end up eating more than I should anyway.. sigh...

When I was beginning the road to recovery, I suddenly realised all the things I’d been missing out on. So I decided to make a list to encourage myself to continue with the recovery process. These are the things I came up with.

I miss...
 Exposing bare skin in the warmth of the sun
 Choc-mint biscuits with my cup of tea
 Hugs and Kisses from loved ones
 Going to places like Cold Rock with friends
 Clothes shopping being a positive experience
 Having freedom and choice in the Supermarket

I will not miss...
 Strict gym schedules
 Puffy eyes and a sore throat
 Guilt from insignificant daily decisions
 Restrictions that effect every aspect of my life
 The constant cold feeling that you cannot shake
 Numbers that take over and begin to rule everything

A couple of things I’ve learnt along the way:
Do not use the word ‘never’, it will come back to haunt you.
Live in the present, because the future will happen regardless, And the past is too late to change!

People and relationship ARE important, cherish those that are willing to stick by you.

 I do not count!
 I will not put myself last!
 I cannot be characterised by a disorder!
 I am not defined by calories, kilos or sizes.
 I just am! This is me, take it or leave it.

I feel like every meal these days is a binge, I feel like I wake up and have breakfast and dont stop eating till I go to sleep, I am never satisfied with what I eat I always want more.
sigh, its just one extreem to the other.
Is it still an eating disorder then? If im not purging and everyone sees me eating (all the time!), i must not be sick any more right?

The test is not the fork in the road, but the round-about,
You move beyond the path behind, keep going from the safe road,
When you willingly choose to turn off and take a new path.
Not because you have to this time, but because you want to.
That’s when you know you are ready.
Life should not just happen, it is yours to live.
The important people don’t claim to know all the answers.
These relationships will shape you; tested during the falls,
Actually turn out to be made from stone, not glass like you once thought.
Include them in the journey, or else they may lose you before the end.

You needent aim for perfection, please don’t even try,
Is the sun less attractive when it’s setting from the sky?
Mistakes are not so, if you use them
Regrets are rarely earnt,
You are the author of your story,
And the teacher of what you’ve learnt.
If you say you’ll never get there,
You’ll be less inclined to try.
View the hurdles as stepping stones,
Built across the river to get you by.

So this whole week i feel like i cannot stop eating!
i've eaten so much and i am never satisfied!
what is wrong with me?

I loved this bible verse that kbdelia posted,
so I wanted to include it in my journal.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"
Matthew 6:25

Hope is only present when you’re striving for a goal,
The many dead ends start to take their toll.
I do want to be free of the chains of this disease,
But can’t do it alone someone help me please.
Internal scars are uglier than the ones than you can see,
As I’m turning into ‘her’ I’m losing more and more of me.
Of course I can stop this before the point I break,
Hang on, oh wait, what else is left to take?
It’s no longer just inside, the body shows signs too,
Permanent damaged to my teeth, what can I do?
I keep pushing until I finally stop and hit the ground,
Now even the weight loss won’t stay and stick around.
I’ve destroyed my metabolism, immunity and health,
Relationships, social, study, all damaged by myself.
So now that I am nothing, who can I really be?
But I tell you, I won’t let myself be defined by my ED.

It sucks when a friend that you thought supported you, turns around and makes it all about her.
I feel like she's let me down in the past, but then she has these long deep and meaningful chats with me and shes says shes always here for me...
And now shes making it harder for me!
I've told her my issues with scheduling and I'm now doing things on my own time esspecially when it comes to meal times and then gym. And its been so much less stressfull just going to the gym when I want and for how long I want.
But now she turns around and asks why I've changed and what my issue is and why im pushing her away. She said to me that I change day to day and she never knows.. I told her what I was doing, and distancing myself from her IS taking away some of the stress. So I dont know what to tell her that wont hurt her but shes making me feel like a shitty friend.
Sigh.
I felt I was doing so well until this.

Ok so I dont know if this will help anyone else but he goes..

I have been so relaxed and content with life the past few days. I've been eating normally, excerising minimally (which would normally stress me if I hadnt done enough), even endulging in some sweets and it hasnt really stressed me out. And I got to thinking why...

So here's what I think:
I'm starting to do things for ME. This might sound selfish but this is what I need to do right now. Concentrate on me and what is best for MY body and MY well being. I cannot please everyone, it is impossible. I need to put myself first for once. These past few days I have done things on my own schedue (of course I have to go to Uni), but I've been going to the gym when it suits me, eating when I'm hungry, snacking whenever I feel like it, and not being held accountable to anyone else.

Of course I have the urges to go over-board with the eating but I'm going by the motto at the moment: if I feel like it why not try it and see how I go. I still haven't tackled the foods on my semi-conscious 'no-go list', but hey I've been eating, excerising, sleeping, soicalising, and studying freely, and it feels great!

Right now I have a full stomach and I am... content!... who would have thought? And you know what I haven't gained like a bazillion kilos in the process :)

Stand up for yourself everyone, you are worth it! Focus on YOU. If you dont who else will? You and only you can make a difference to YOUR life. Even the most well meaning people can start to take advantage of you and your low self-esteem without even realising it sometimes. And you know what? In the end I think people will probably start respecting us more for it anyway.

Love and peace to all :)