adrienne's blog

getting back up

adrienne's picture

so i had a very rough couple of weeks, gained a significant amount of weight and was very engaged in eating disorder behavior. it is still super hard and i have had a few close calls - almost binged or purged, but i think i am slowly moving forward. while i haven't binged, i still am eating more than i need to, but right now at least i am not bingeing. today for example i found out that a client of mine had died. i was upset and sad, but instead of bingeing i munched on some fruit. it was snack time anyway. i feel happy that i didn't binge like i was planning in my head. i realize that eating a dozen muffins isn't going to make things better. i also have learned from this last relapse that certain foods are trigger foods for me and learning which ones to avoid when i am feeling vulnerable has really helped me. so i guess that will be my encouraging tip for everyone. keep on moving forward, get back up when you fall and hold on to hope of recovery.

Must Move Forward

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So The last two weeks have been HELL. I fell hard back into my old behaviors. It terrifies me. But now that my mom is aware of my struggles, i think things will be better. i feel supported on one hand, but on the other it is a little frustrating. a conversation this morning with her had me in tears. I have put on 10 pounds. i feel like such a failure. But i am determined to go back to my structured eating plan and to get over this. It is so hard though. i have felt so alone because my therapist has cancer. she is on the mend, and asked me if she could pray for me specifically and support me. i don't want to tell her i am not doing well. =(
i am turning 24 in less than a month and by my birthday i want to be okay with a pool party. i want to be okay with everything. i called to make a dr. appointment to check my health out. i have been feeling so terrible. i think i hit rock bottom when i called in sick to work the other day. i told them i was throwing up. i certainly was but it wasn't the flu. I must get back to being reliable. i can't hide in my room anymore. i must snap out of this. i have to get better. i am done wasting my life. this eating disorder has been a struggle since i was 9 years old. i hate this. i am in need of support and i so appreciate this community.
This is it. i will get well. wish me luck. Thank you everyone for being here.

Desperately need help

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i have relapsed majorly and desperately need help. i am bingeing and purging 2-3 times a day every day now. i have packed on weight which signals i am not so successful as i think at purging, but that is beside the point. the point is that now i feel even worse about myself and it causes me to binge and purge more because i hate how fat i am etc.
i am in need of some serious advice/ encouragement on how to get back on track
PLEASE HELP!!!!

it is getting worse and worse

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I have binged and purged multiple times a day several times a week for the last 2 weeks and i feel so horrible. it has gotten BAD. i even called in sick to work this morning because i binged so bad last night and this morning. So i took a bunch of laxatives and am home allowing them to ravage my body. how sad and sick is that. =( to top it off i binged and threw up again while at home. so now it is early afternoon and i vow to let this be the last day. i can't let myself hurt my body or leave people who depend on me suffer because i am not there because i have my head in the toilet. =(
Any advice on how to stop this would be greatly appreciated. i don't know how to get back on track. i feel horrible all around.

relapsing

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ugh. so it seems that since i went on vacation last week and since i have allowed myself golden spoon frozen yogurt as a snack, i feel out of control. i have officially binged twice. i have over eaten at several meals as well. tonight i binged and purged by throwing up which i haven't done in a very long time. i have binged but generally i had decided that purging with laxatives was the lesser of two evils. tonight i actually purged and was scared at how simple it was. i MUST start fresh tomorrow. i have gained weight slowly back and am uncomfortable in my body. i think the weight gain led to me feeling defeated and hopeless. but i really musn't fall. yes i have fallen but i can get back up and start fresh tomorrow.
i did 7 weeks. i can start again and let this last week be a learning experience. i can't let my guard down. it was a slow progression. allowing trigger foods too quickly etc.
has anyone else experienced this??? i thought i was in recovery. but now i feel like i am starting all over again. =( boo. i have let things get out of control. i want to get back on track.

Binge

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i had been doing so well. then i got to week 7 and i decided i could eat cake at a party, that i could have something other than just a salad when i went out to dinner with my dad.
and it has just spiraled out of control. but i managed for 7 weeks so i am going to try to start over tomorrow. not over tomorrow - i will start tonight. it is just so hard. i am failing in school and i feel like such a huge failure and i got a pay cut at work so the job anxiety is just hanging over my head. and i just feel like i am not going anywhere in life. i am beginning to feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. today was the worst. it was a true binge. it started with me eating some candy mom left out in a bowl. it is not even 7 in the morning. then going to starbucks and getting a scone after i already ate cereal for breakfast. then i skipped lunch because i had 2 breakfasts. then after class i went to my favorite frozen yogurt place. that would have been okay. but then i came home and all the anxiety etc. was too much. so i had brownies, more candy, pumpkin bread. now i feel so sick and i am not going to purge but i took laxatives so i am sure i will feel sicker later. =( i just want to cry. I Must start over tonight. i have to just move on. if anyone could encourage me i would really appreciate it. i am FAILING IN EVERY AREA. =(

ugh.

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So the Easter Candy and Holiday Meal got the better of me. After eating certain foods it just triggered something in me. Part of my mindset started out healthy- "don't worry about the food just enjoy yourself and the holiday" but it turned into too many of this, too much of that. I kinda feel like it has been a 4 day slip up, today being the worst. But tomorrow is a new day. I will turn over a new leaf. I CAN DO THIS. (to be honest i don't feel quite like that, but i must tell myself this over and over until i believe it.) I yearn for a fresh start. I long for the day when there won't have to be anymore "fresh starts" when there won't be hours spent in the bathroom. when there won't be this constant dialogue in my head telling me what i should or shouldn't do. On a positive note, my mom gave me a chocolate bunny. i decided to put it away and not "finish" the binge so to speak. That is the positive thought that i am going to bed with. i hate slip ups. i hope everyone else is doing alright.

holidays and vacations

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i haven't felt this down in such a long time. i feel like such a huge failure. i know this is in the eating disorder's eyes, but it doesn't change how i feel. i just want to curl up and hide. i went of my meal plan while at my grandma's house the last 3 days and now i just feel like shit. i ate more than i have been eating and i hate that i let go of my healthy plan. i had urges to binge and purge which terrify me since i have done well for the last two months. i hate that i have gained weight, that i am bloated, that i feel like i have to make up for what i've done. i feel weighed down and heavy physically, emotionally, mentally. i am worried that i will feel like this tomorrow. i want to have a fun day tomorrow with my family on easter and be celebrating my risen Savior- not worrying about my body and how it isn't where i'd like it to be. ugh. i am so hating myself right now. =(

needing something, but what? possible trigger

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i had been feeling really good and had started (i thought) to accept my body. but lately that isn't the case. i feel so huge and bloated and jiggly and uncomfortable. i know that adding exercise to my healthy eating habits would benefit me greatly. yet i am filled with fear that the exercise will get obsessive as it always does. i thought of asking my dad to be my buddy at least on weekends to ride bikes. but even bike riding holds some unexplainable negative energy. ((my first thought is to start eliminating things from my meal plan. morning snack should go...the veggies with lunch. heck why not just eliminate dinner from the plan 4 days a week? maybe evening snack should go too....but then i stop and think. this structured eating is what has kept me from bingeing and purging.)) would it not be safer to ask for a support buddy around exercise? yes it would. i think i will start slow and work my way up to more strenuous activities. this is just so frustrating. it is times like these that i just feel like curling up in a ball and crying and giving up. i almost binged tonight, but think it was okay. i am tired of this fight. tired of not being where i want to be. i know there is progress, but right now it is hard to see. swimsuit season is coming fast here in california.... that has me freaking out too. ugh. stupid eating disorder. =( i am feeling so down right now.

feeling uneasy and sad and anxious

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ugh. i don't know why i am feeling like this. i am going on 6 weeks of healthy eating and no bingeing. no throwing up either. i still use laxatives, but even that is improving. i just hate how yesterday i felt good, i felt healthy and okay. today i feel icky, fat, and scared. I want to be free from all of this. this up and down. An eating disorder is more than just behavior. there is this whole mindset and patterns of belief and thinking that are so hard to shake. i don't know what to do. i am not sure what i need. All i know is i need some sort of encouragement because i am beginning to feel like i am failing....help. =( I just don't know what to do. Am i alone in this or do other people feel like this?

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