Bulimia Help

Hey! I'm sorry that i haven't been here for a while, but i have had problems with my computer. I really, really missed you! :)

During my absence I've been actually doing pretty well, at some point i managed to achieve 4 days without binging, which is a huge step forward for me. But, unfortunately, something has changed and this week is really hard, i binge every day and it makes me pretty depressed :/ Those binges caused some problems at school, because when i binge i can't focus on anything else + i feel really week because of the purging. I have a really important exam this saturday and i should study, but right now all i can think about is food. Ugh... I hope tomorrow's gonna be better, 'cause otherwise... i don't know. I'm so tired. It's just really discouraging.

Okay, i gotta say that - structured eating is AMAZING. It helps me soo much. I'm eating healthy, i have regular hours for my meals and i feel so great and energetic. Yeah, i don't remember when was the last time i had so much energy, and it's SO positive and i'm so glad! Even my friend asked me few days ago if i was in love, because i seemed so happy and i was smiling all the time - so yay, it works! :D

I'm also proud of one thing - yesterday i ate a chocolate bar for my afternoon snack and... nothing happened. No binge, no purge, no guilt. It sounds funny, i know, but i'm really proud of myself, i never thought i'll be able to do that.

Thanks for all your support! :)

So here I am. Binged today. Purged afterwards. I'm soo angry and sad. I know it's too early to expect too much, but i thought I'll be able to have... well, at least more than one day without b/p. But it seems like one day is all i can do right now. And that's pretty discouraging.

On the other hand, there are two good things about this day. First, I'm really surprised, but somehow I've managed to stop my binge at some point. That's something I've never done before... and I'm proud. As a result, the binge wasn't really big (so i can't explain why on earth i've purged afterwards :/ ). The second thing that i'm proud of - the first thought after my binge was "okay, i fucked up so i'm gonna starve myself till the end of the week", but then it was "heey, wait! you've binged, right, but you cannot starve now because it's gonna be even worse!". So i went to this lovely page, read some of your advices and decided to try again tomorrow, just like today's binge never happened. And that's the other thing that i'm proud of :)

So i guess i just have to forgive myself, though i still feel crappy after this b/p. But maybe it's gonna be better, maybe next time i'll be able to stop binges for longer.

I haven't been writing here for I while, so that's gonna be a loooong and boring post ;) Sorry about that.

I have a confession. The last time I was here I wasn't really focused on recovery. I mean I was, but still the most important thing was to lose weigh. I wanted to stop binges in order to be thinner. Which, obviously, couldn't work, because I was still trying to restrict.
You know, I always thought about "mental" side of this disease and I was aware of all the damages it does to my mind, but I also thought "recovered = fat and still ugly".

However, something has changed. I realized that - damn, I never thought I'll say that - I'M PRETTY. Seriously. I can see it now. I have beautiful hair, I'm tall, and damn, I even have pretty good figure. So yes, I am pretty, but not when I'm stuffed with all the food that I could find in my house + more. How could I be pretty with my face swollen & my stomach stuffed with all that junk food? And more important, how could I be pretty without smile on my face? Obviously, I can't. I like myself, I'm a good and interesting person, I AM pretty, but not when I'm binging. So, I think if I stop binging&purging, I'll be able to accept myself. I'm really determined to recover. Never thought I'll think about it that way, but somehow I do.

I guess it's a progress. I don't know If you understood something, but right now it's really hard to describe my thoughts (even in my own language, not to mention English ;))

Binged today. Then purged. Then binged again, but I didn't have possibility to purge afterwards. Maybe it's better, i know i shouldn't do it, but I feel like a piece of crap now. Two days, I was able to stop b/p for only two days. Shit, i hate it so much.

I was talking with my mum today. I told her that I might wanna try going to the library after school, so i could learn there. I said that in home everything is distracting me. And she was like: "yeah, like the fridge for example, right? the fridge must be sooo distracting for you..." I know she was joking, and i know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings because she doesn't even know about my bulimia, but... damn, it hurts. Is it THAT obvious that i have problems with food? Damn, if she knew...

Of course, tomorrow I'll start fighting again, but I don't know how many more times I'll be able to start again. I don't know if i have the strength to do it. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know :(

(sorry if i made any mistakes, it's hard to write something in foreign language when you're sooo pissed off)

God. I think this is my first day of recovery. I hope so. Today I have binged, but i'll try not to think about it and left it behind me. This blog is gonna be a place for some positive thoughts connected with my recovery. I'm gonna try to "fix" myself on my own, because i don't have possibility - or strength perhaps - to see any doctor. So here i am, trying to get back my normal life.
I believe it's time for some "recovery resolutios".
1. I'm gonna plan daily food.
2. I'm gonna try not to think about food all the time.
3. I'm never, NEVER gonna starve again. Because simply it doesn't make any sense.
4. I'm gonna try to spend more time with my friends, i'm gonna learn more and i'm gonna focus on my hobbies in order to forget about food.
5. I'll try to throw away my laxatives.
6. I'll try some positive thinking ;)