Bulimia Help

SO for the last few days I've been using an online food/exercise tracker thing. And although it was a site I used to use when I was anorexic to see how many calories I've eaten and how much exercise I needed to do, this time around I've found it very helpful. It works for me because when I'm preparing a meal I am thinking about what I'm eating, what's in what I'm eating, and knowing I will have to record it keeps me from over-doing it. I also like it because it shows a pie chart of the nutition you have consumed over the day. I like the orderliness of it. The only downfall is the calorie count. I mean, it gives you a detailed report on what you ate - if you went over, or under on like fats, carbs, etc. And when I feel like I had a really good and healthy day it's always saying that I am under what I need to be at. I don't get it! I really do try to get to normal levels but it's almost disappointing when I don't reach the "required nutritional amount" for things! I feel like I'm eating PLENTY but it's still not enough? Whyyyyy?

First went wrong is hard to find
We're paralyzed, we apologize
Our hell is a good life
Last went wrong, where's my prize under the lights
Can we call it in?
We'll be on the road
Can we stop?
When we stop my back will turn your face toward the fence
What I thought it was it isn't now
All this weight, is honest worse
We're moderate, we modernize
till our hell is a good life
All we know what to forget, how to do right
Coloring in the black hole
Can't we stop? when we stop
My hands will shake, my eyes will burn
My throat will ache, watching you turn
From me toward your friends
What I thought it was it isn't now
What I thought it was it isn't
Punishment to stall what is done
What I thought was in is missing out
What I thought it was it isn't now
There's a pattern in the system
There's a bullet in the gun
That's why I tried to save you
But it can't be done

Faillllll. I have been soooo good but these nights without anything to do are absolutely KILLING me. They haven't been bad binges, just eating too much and planning on foods to purge but FUCK like what happened? It's like I was totally over it and now it's back again, slowly developing into the full-blown monster it was before. It's only been a month or so of good days with a few bad days in between but now, 4 binge(ish)/purge days in a row I'm feeling like absolute shit. I feel fat and disgusting, horrible, absolutely and utterly disappointed in the steps back I have taken. I know it's because I've been feeling down lately, like no one cares enough for me to be in their lives right now - I've gone from having days filled with plans and things to do, now I have work and then....FUCK ALL. Yep, I'm bored, and that's why I'm b/ping again, I'm bored and self-hating so hard right now.

What keeps going wrong. I do so so so well, feel great, then BAM I purge - not even really binge (I say this because I have not gone out and bought food) but now I'm actually getting a strong urge to binge and purge which wasn't there before when I messed up. I just feel like I need to eat SOMETHING and throw it up. That something goes undefined, I never know what I want to eat, I just eat whatever and throw it up. I want to pawn it off on my bestEST friend for not being here, I've only been doing this great since she came back home for a visit. But she left to go visit her dad and I've been shot to hell with bulimia episodes. I know it's not actually her fault, I just have an excuse to get away with it. Should I talk to her about it? She knows I have an ED...but it's not fair that I place the guilt on her. It's not that I want her to feel like she caused it, she's lived away from home for like a couple years now and though I've been much worse since she left the first time, it's not really because of her it's more because I have nothing to do all the time. And I'm moving at the end of August so we will be litterally 24 hours away from each other, driving. But do I tell her? I feel like if I needed to fess up to someone, besides you lovely people, about my failures that they would be even fewer and farther between. But like, does she even want to hear it? I don't want to bring her down, I don't want her to carry my burden, it's my problem not her's. I don't want her to feel obligated to save me.

I saw it coming. For the past two days I have had such an urge to just b/p, I stayed kinda strong I guess. I didn't go out and buy anything but tonight I just caved. I don't know where things went wrong. I had my normal day, I guess the only different thing is that I had watermelon around 3:30pm, but watermelon isn't scary for me. Maybe I was just too full but dinner turned into disaster. I ate more than either of my parents, then had dessert, then more dessert. Then I purged. Later on, I ate some more, and it wont all come up. My body isn't used to purging anymore, which is a good thing, but I'm totally freaking out. I gained like 2lbs from the second binge session and it's killing me. It's not even the weight gain that is really hurting me, because I know it's just binge weight that will probably be gone after a couple days of normal eating, it's just the fact that tonight went so wrong. I wanted to go for a walk, but ended up going for a drive because my friend bailed on me and I couldn't find the headphones for my iPod and I really wanted to listen to music on my walk. But my drive ended early, and I had an hour to kill, so I ate. Fuuuuck. I just feel like such crap right now.

I want to b/p SO bad right now. It seems like everyone is busy, a friend that I was going to hang out with (and proceeded to get all showered and ready to hang out with) bailed on me and no one else wants to do anything. I'm cleaning my room but I can't stop thinking of binging and purging. I don't even know what I would binge on, I just don't know what to do with myself! faaaaack.

I'd first like to appoligize if anyone finds this blog triggering. It's not meant to be, it's a major accompishment for me. This blog deals with weight loss so if that is a trigger for you I'd advice you not to read on...xoxo

So for the first time in 5 years I have managed to lose weight - without starving myself and without purging! I gained about 10lbs innitially when I began really recovering, and it scared the shit out of me and I really hated it and knowing that I had put on weight really made me want to go back to my old ways. I stepped on the scale this morning because I had that "thin" feeling going on, and I couldn't understand why. I've managed to lose 8lbs! And this is from eating healthy, being more active (which is really anything to do with moving for me, because I used to spend my free time sitting around eating haha), and being social! I eat four times a day, breakfast, then a small meal 3 hours later, another small meal after work (about 4-5 hours after), and then supper. I didn't think I was going to lose weight, I was just happy I was able to keep ALL the food down, but I did! I feel like my body is getting back into balance and my metabolism is restarting and my digestive tract is getting back to normal. As far as I can tell it's taken about a month to lose the 8lbs in a healthy way, because the month before I was still binging every few days and still purging, but I have lost 8lbs this month and I feel fantastic. My chipmunk cheeks are totally disappeared and I actually feel hungry at times - a feeling I haven't had in 8 years. I just wanted to share this so that all of you who are also freaking out about recovery weight-gain, that it isn't permanent! You just need to let your body adjust and get back into a normal flow.

...you can't always get what you want. I love you. Mick Jagger. Oh and you to, Keith Richards. heh....

To all of you in the depths of negativity, be very jealous of me! I'm jealous of me! I have found my way from the darkest of the dark to the brightest of the brightest motherfucking ray of sunshine the universe has ever seen! I have gotten so much more control over my eating disorder and good things have happened in my life! Everything I ever wanted is happening, if you've read my past blogs you know exactly what I'm talking to you. Latest good news: ate at work today (totally triggered me last week), but picked new things to eat - turkey with tomato and one piece of swiss cheese. Felt GRRRRREAT because the cook (knows about my ED) couldn't fuck around by putting extra cheese on stuff I didn't want cheese on or hidden fats etc because none of these foods are "prepared" in any way (egg whites have to be cooked - and I'm pretty sure she puts extra oil in "just to fatten me up" hense the triggering from before) So I wasn't suspicious of what I was eating. Theeeeeeen after having a little too much dinner I managed to avoid purging and carry on with my night because I knew my sister was calling me to tell me about the place in Victoria I wanted to rent. She checked it out, said it was perfect, and I GOT THE PLACE fuck yes! Everything is falling into place. Don't think I'm crazy but seriously, it's the Law of Attraction - think positively and positive things will happen! Everything, I mean everything, is soooooo right at the moment. Gooooooooooood God I wish you could feel as elated as I do! Please, to all of you, get to where I am! Just go for it, take a risk, I was so scared to apply for uni due to my ED - it was holding me back, telling me to stay at home where I was safe to carry on with my ways but now it's like - I can't binge, I gotta save up rent money! Haha, just do it all of you, just fucking take the plunge!

Sorry about the cursing, just excited and a littled wined up :P

Had a fan-freakin-tastic day today. Not just eating wise (which was FABULOUS, discuss it later) but everything just seemed to be falling into place. 3 years ago, on July 2nd was when I was put into the ICU for attempting suicide. They didn't think that I would make it, I was pretty much considered about to die. And now, WOW, I got into the uni of my dreams, I'm all registered for classes, I have possibly found a place to live that is only an 8min walk to the school and it's super cheap rent, I got an iPod for gradding college, I got a Blackberry today, and just...ah! Everything is finally working out. I mean, as recent as this winter I felt like nothing was ever going to work out for me, that I had no purpose or future, that I wanted to die and now it's like holy 180! I am actually looking forward to being alive and to what the future holds for me. I can actually picture the future now, something I've never been able to do. And eating today - perfection. I'm going to share what I ate so if this is triggering STOP READING NOW! I had my oatmeal with a nectarine and yoghurt in it and a cup of coffee around 9am, afterwhich the mail came and voila! iPod! Then I did a little more research on my possible room rentals, got ready, picked up my mom and went straight down to get my Crackberry. I dropped my maja off at home and asked my friend if she had had lunch, which she had, so I took myself to a local wrap place ALONE and got a cajun chicken wrap with loads of veggies and salsa on whole wheat tortilla, took it to go and ate half of it at my friends house around 2:30. We chilled, played some vintage Nintendo and had a good time. Went home for dinner at 5:30 and ate the other half of my wrap and a piece of salmon. Then I called the renter of the place that I really want and he seemed pretty cool about me moving in, with the two MALE tennants that are already there. I mean, could it have been more perfect?