I've had a really eventful past couple of days that presented me with several incidents, challenges, insights, and motivation. After having a really terrible couple of days with behaviors, I stepped back from some triggering work activities I've been involved in. Despite feeling incredibly guilty about stepping back, I knew I had to in order to truly take care of myself. A few days later I skipped a banquet at work to b/p, and I felt so sick and guilty afterwards, so I went to bed really early. That night I had a terrible nightmare about all of my teeth rotting out because of what I've been doing to myself. I woke up at 4am, realized it was a dream, and ran to the bathroom to make sure my teeth were okay. When I walked out I noticed my roommate had left some stuff for me on the counter. She had gone to the banquet that night, and I had apparently won an award. I couldn't get this off my mind as I tried to go back to sleep, and I FINALLY had a moment where I questioned all the destructive things I've been doing to myself. I felt like I deserved to treat myself better. I actually believed that I deserved to take care of myself. I started wanting to follow my meal plan not to please my therapist or my friends, but to please myself. I've never given myself that much internal validation before, but something finally clicked.
Though I've genuinely wanted to recover for the past couple of months, now I want to make it my top priority. I want bulimia out of my life; I deserve to have bulimia out of my life. Despite this newfound motivation, I'm still struggling. I see a therapist and a nutritionist, but sometimes I wish I could remove myself from all my triggers, check myself in somewhere, and learn the tools to cope with life in a safe environment that will protect me from myself.
I think I need more help than I'm getting, but I don't really know where to go from here. I'm in school, so going in patient doesn't seem reasonable. Even an outpatient program seems too time consuming. But I want so badly to be recovered. Any suggestions?
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