Bulimia Help

Ugh I have been so up tight this week, I don't want to call it stressed but I have been feeling on edge about food, I feel fat and gross.
I can not stop thinking about food, I think it is unhelathy how I am obsessing, I am proud of myself though. I only had a little peanut butter (my binge food).

The only problem is I keep trying to think of excuses to go back down to the kitchen to get more... I am sooooo fulll, I don't want ot eat but I keep feeling like I should. but I already feel so gross. I know If I eat anything else I will lose control. Its a mindless feeling.
Why can't my body be satisfied with what I give it! I am on the verge of a binge and its really uncomfortable becuase I know I will feel guilty and purge. I already feel really guilty over that bit of peanut butter. I am NOT going to purge though. I am better than this. ITs like my mind is not my own, I don't want to think about food, how I think I look , or that I am never going to be princess thin and beautiful. I want to accept me the rosie the riveter body type.
Its not a bad thing to be a little curvy, but I can't feel good about myself unless I feel thin. I want to be healthy.
I know who I am but when it comes to my relationship with food I am more lost then a blind man in a maze with no end.

Thats what this feels like I can't see an end, I can't see 'normal', all I see is food all around me. I hate this!
HOw is it that everyone I see knows how to eat a normal size meal and be satisfied with it. why do I have to gadge my meals based on what others are eating. I always make sure I have al ittle less then other people.
What is wrong with me!
What is healthy? Why do I always feel guilty when I feel full?
Why did I ever think to purge in the first place, How the hell did I get this messed up about food. My Mom knows I have an awful food relationship she knows I b/p she is there for me but she lives 3000 miles away, i am far too ashamed to talk to any one else about this.

I am soo ashamed of my self and this guilt and this obsession. I am ashamed of my lack of control over my food. My boyfriends doesn't know, I would die if he knew. i have only b/ped for the past year but I have had issues with food since I was 16, I would hardly eat then go for a long run. I can't remember I time I have ever been satisfied with my wieght or figure or food intake. they are all numbers and illusions. I know this yet I can't CONTROL it. I feel out of control tonight. I hope i will feel better tomorrow.