holidays and vacations

adrienne's picture

i haven't felt this down in such a long time. i feel like such a huge failure. i know this is in the eating disorder's eyes, but it doesn't change how i feel. i just want to curl up and hide. i went of my meal plan while at my grandma's house the last 3 days and now i just feel like shit. i ate more than i have been eating and i hate that i let go of my healthy plan. i had urges to binge and purge which terrify me since i have done well for the last two months. i hate that i have gained weight, that i am bloated, that i feel like i have to make up for what i've done. i feel weighed down and heavy physically, emotionally, mentally. i am worried that i will feel like this tomorrow. i want to have a fun day tomorrow with my family on easter and be celebrating my risen Savior- not worrying about my body and how it isn't where i'd like it to be. ugh. i am so hating myself right now. =(

2 comments

lostgirl
lostgirl's picture
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Joined: 8 Apr 2009
I struggle with Holidays, too

I understand exactly what you're going through. I think a couple things come in to play for me in those family gatherings/holidays/vacations. One, is that I seem to need a LOT of structure. Structured eating keeps my physical urges at bay, but I hate eating in front of my family (who does know, and hovers while trying to appear nonchalant).

Another issue is that I have difficulty being around people for very long. I feel like everyone can see how awkward I am. The anxiety can flare without warning, and then I'm eating. Then I have to leave, to purge in peace. Terrified that I'm digesting calories if I delay.

I truly enjoy my family, but the dynamic is chaotic and triggers an out-of-control feeling. Another issue is that I want to project a perfect image for them. Ugh. So I understand...I wish you the best of luck :)

mint
mint's picture
Offline
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Holidays & Grandma's house

I could literally copy-paste your post to the exact reason I'm logged in right now. I'm going to be totally weird with my family today instead of happy and enjoying their company and the day's message because I've spent the past two days binging and feel bloated and utterly grotesque. Holidays and time spent in the 'comfort houses' is so easy for derailing. Last night it was my sister's, where egg painting with the kids was an opportunity for me to binge on all the comfort food I'm not normally around. I feel fat, failed, and further from normal than ever before. I can't even go to the gym to ignite some sense of self-love because I've already eaten too much on top of the full I still had from yesterday. I just don't understand this disease, I really don't. WHAT are we replacing with eating?? Why us? Why is eating for us a trigger to eat more? I feel like I have these answers when I'm doing well, on my own during the week, and in control of my surroundings. Do we really need to turn down and avoid certain events until we're healed? Like the alcoholic turning down the happy hour? (Even though happy hours are a binge trigger in of themselves, so I relate to that, too!) I just feel like I can't escape the triggers unless I shut myself away until this is gone. Does anyone else feel that way? Like you just need to check out of your life for a while, and lock yourself someplace safe? Wait.. aren't there places like that, where you can go and stay for a week or something? Ugh.. I'm sorry, I'm babbling. Adrienne, let's promise to still have a good day, okay?

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