My name is Ruby and this is my first blog.
The only things my mother could get me to eat until the age of 5 were carrots and white bread. No one knows why, but it seemed I was born with an irrational fear of food. Mum tells me I used to spit out baby food on her face when she tried to feed me in the high chair. Anyway as far back as I can remember, my eating habbits have been STRANGE, to put it nicely.
For a long while I was so confused as to why I was Bulimic. 'How could it possibly be me?' I thought. I actually like the way I look, my upbringing was normal, my parents are loving, i've always had friends etc. 'This must be total vanity. I'm selfish, irrational and obsessed with myself. I must be doing this to seek attention'. Because I wasn't fat and my life was seemingly normal, I thought these had to be the reasons. Until I started to reflect a little more deeply on my past and things, possible causes started to add up one after another.... the list grew and grew and grew and I realised I should stop hating myself and feeling ashamed for this vicious behavior I was inflicting upon myself.
It's interesting that my eating disorder (although still very present) has been the thing that taught me to love and accept myself. I began to understand that this is an addiction that I fell into because of my environment and genetics. I could not have done anything differently or better to have avoided it. There are a lot of things that contribute to the birth of an eating disorder, it's of course different for everyone, but I don't believe it is ever as simple as dieting gone wrong. There are always so many factors involved and as I unearthed each of my own I saw that bulimia is simply a symptom in itself.
Still I'm so frustrated with myself. And it's time for change, and I am going to delete this horrible 'symptom' out of my life. I want to live and love and succeed and create a light positive energy, instead of plunging deeper into darkness.
I am so happy to be a part of this website and I can't wait to share and learn.
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