I'm Ruby

ruby56's picture

My name is Ruby and this is my first blog.

The only things my mother could get me to eat until the age of 5 were carrots and white bread. No one knows why, but it seemed I was born with an irrational fear of food. Mum tells me I used to spit out baby food on her face when she tried to feed me in the high chair. Anyway as far back as I can remember, my eating habbits have been STRANGE, to put it nicely.

For a long while I was so confused as to why I was Bulimic. 'How could it possibly be me?' I thought. I actually like the way I look, my upbringing was normal, my parents are loving, i've always had friends etc. 'This must be total vanity. I'm selfish, irrational and obsessed with myself. I must be doing this to seek attention'. Because I wasn't fat and my life was seemingly normal, I thought these had to be the reasons. Until I started to reflect a little more deeply on my past and things, possible causes started to add up one after another.... the list grew and grew and grew and I realised I should stop hating myself and feeling ashamed for this vicious behavior I was inflicting upon myself.

It's interesting that my eating disorder (although still very present) has been the thing that taught me to love and accept myself. I began to understand that this is an addiction that I fell into because of my environment and genetics. I could not have done anything differently or better to have avoided it. There are a lot of things that contribute to the birth of an eating disorder, it's of course different for everyone, but I don't believe it is ever as simple as dieting gone wrong. There are always so many factors involved and as I unearthed each of my own I saw that bulimia is simply a symptom in itself.

Still I'm so frustrated with myself. And it's time for change, and I am going to delete this horrible 'symptom' out of my life. I want to live and love and succeed and create a light positive energy, instead of plunging deeper into darkness.

I am so happy to be a part of this website and I can't wait to share and learn.

xx Ruby

4 comments

setmefreee
setmefreee's picture
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Joined: 28 May 2010
Welcome Ruby! you have found

Welcome Ruby! you have found the right place to get better :) so many kind and inspiring people on here and proof that full recovery is definitely possible and WILL happen if that is the choice you make. It sounds like you're ready to let go of that demon and start living your life. Its so nice to have so many people around that understand exactly what eachother is going through!

Don't follow your dreams, chase them!

ruby56
ruby56's picture
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Joined: 7 Aug 2011
Thank you! Yesterday was the

Thank you! Yesterday was the first day not vomiting in months, wonderful and scary feeling.

setmefreee
setmefreee's picture
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Joined: 28 May 2010
Congratulations!! That first

Congratulations!! That first day is always the absolute hardest! You'll get there :) Keep us posted!

Don't follow your dreams, chase them!

laryssa
laryssa's picture
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Joined: 21 Sep 2009
Hey Ruby!! It's great that

Hey Ruby!!
It's great that you found this website and joined the BH community!
I am about a month into recovery and am finally seeing hope for the first time in over 3 years, and I can honestly say I don't think it would have happenedd if I had never found BulimiaHelp.org.
While there is overwhelming evidence that restriction of food (dieting) leads to bulimia, I agree with you that this isn't the only factor (at least for me). Good to hear that youre so willing to give recovery a try and unearth whatever that darkness is, so that you can bring out that 'positive energy' you have inside you!
I hope that this site aids you as much as it aids me.
Happy recovery!! =)

-- Laryssa

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