Bulimia Help

I live in Argentina. Argentina is ranked #2 or #3 in the world in countries with highest rates of eating disorders. Yes, higher than the US. Argentine girls are skinny. ALL of them. It's the oddest thing in the world, because 80% of them seem to actually eat a broad range of different foods. They are extremely athletic, and don't seem to diet at all, but do have rather strange eating habits.
I used to live in a wealthy suburb in a small city where everything was really competitive, and I blamed my ED on that town...on the perfectionism it encourages.
But now I'm in a completely different climate and I'm still so fucked up.
This post is so utterly pointless, wow.
I feel like dying 70% of the time. 20% of the time I am not really there: when I'm sleeping or drunk, and then 5% I don't care if I live or die and then that other 5%, well sometimes I'm actually happy.

So it was really not that bad of a day. I had lunch at this cutesy organic cafe and had food I knew was technically pretty healthy. I felt so sick and full though, and really guilty. I knew I was going to aXXXXXXit all but I just felt gross. I showered shortly after coming home after lunch and I don't know what made me do it but I just put my XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. It wasn't a lot but I don't think that's the point. I felt relieved after, and that's what scares me. I don't think I'll do it again anytime soon, I feel like purging is acknowledging I did something wrong, which scares the shit out of me. I'd rather avoid all problems but i feel lost. Am I teetering on relapse or is this just one of the ups/downs??

I'm so tired of this, in my head.
I guess I'm in a better place, yet I still miss it. Is it sick? That I miss something that was killing me, isolating me, ruining me? So why did it make me feel so...strong when I could endure the pain and weakness?

I know I'm in a better place now. I've understood that it's about moderation and patience now, but my head is still all fucked up. I hope it'll come with time. I want to fix it, but there's no quick fix. I can't stay up all night and ace the test. I can't fast all day and lose that extra pound or two. Now it's about waiting and I'm so fucking bad at that.

The disorder is going to be with me forever, in me. It's up to us to manage it so that it remains dormant, a thing of the past, something we learn from.

So here I am, trying to learn why I feel like I'm trapped in my own body, so utterly disgusted. But yet, I'm moving forward.

I miss my secret. But I want to love life and I know bulimia nor anorexia aren't going to help me do that, ever.

IM SO MISERABLE. It's like if I don't have enough time to dedicate to recovery, I just let go and it falls apart. I mean I'm not slipping back to disordered behaviors, but I am not eating normally and I am not normal around food or my body in the slightest. I over-eat, then under eat and choose very strange foods and freak out about my body ALL THE TIME and I can't deal with my body getting huger every day and I'm doing recovery all wrong and I don't even feel like I'm moving forward...my team at the ED clinic is pretty useless seeing as my nutritionist is a bitch, but is also letting me lose weight, my shrink never had an ED and doesn't understand that this is a fucking obsession/addiction, and the psychologist told me I needed to take antidepressants but when I refused, never made another appointment???!!!

I start at a new school in 2 weeks and I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my WHOLE LIFE.

IM SO MISERABLE. It's like if I don't have enough time to dedicate to recovery, I just let go and it falls apart. I mean I'm not slipping back to disordered behaviors, but I am not eating normally and I am not normal around food or my body in the slightest. I over-eat, then under eat and choose very strange foods and freak out about my body ALL THE TIME and I can't deal with my body getting huger every day and I'm doing recovery all wrong and I don't even feel like I'm moving forward...my team at the ED clinic is pretty useless seeing as my nutritionist is a bitch, but is also letting me lose weight, my shrink never had an ED and doesn't understand that this is a fucking obsession/addiction, and the psychologist told me I needed to take antidepressants but when I refused, never made another appointment???!!!

I start at a new school in 2 weeks and I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my WHOLE LIFE.

I feel miserable I am very full not healthy foods AT ALL and it wasn't a binge just a regular fat obese worthless person having a fattening bad MEAL jiofjert9u43tiorgehejs

Tomorrow I leave on holiday for 3 weeks!

My goals are:

- to focus on who I'm with and what I'm doing rather than my weight and diet
- to maintain healthy eating habits -- treats allowed, moderation REQUIRED
- to walk lots, do some yoga regularly
- to not limit myself from activities because of my lack of confidence
- to feel happy
- to try and be confident

I have been practicing yoga mad amounts! Ashtanga, that is.

I feel happy, flexible, powerful and sort of proud of myself when I practice yoga, because I've become kind of good at it :) it also provides a sort of blissful meditative state when done right. It's super healthy and fun, and doesn't feel like a work out at all. I enjoy my body most of the time when doing yoga and this is really really strange for me because I don't like/respect my body most of the time.

I think I'm sort of crazy, and I think the ED did it.

I am slowly letting go, but I've gained quite a bit and find it hard to be happy in my body on a day to day basis. I'm still an emotional wreck, but I'm getting there.

I want to live.

I had an okay day. I am over indulging I think. I had: 6 guilt foods. I feel terrible and lonely and lost and fat.

I did work out which is good I guess it was fun: handball practice.

However I was disappointed in myself for eating so much junk and I hated myself for being so big.

Also, at dinner there's this one girl: she is super thin and probably the most stunning girl I've ever seen in my life..I'm sooo jealous of her. Anyways so she was just eating like normal plate of food and suddenly disappeared to the bathroom but I knew she wasn't purging bcos she asked this other girl to go with her and said she felt sick to her and then now back In the dorm she told our dorm-mster and she was sick again w/ some stomach virus. Anyways it just really made me feel nervous/anxious/queasy. Nobody mentioned bulimia until my other friend who like diets and counts calories found out. U know what she said: "bulimia really bites u in the ass huh"
I was like umm she's not bulimic. I hate it how she makes assumptions like that!
Anyways it was really triggering.

I'm so sad right now.

Its so easy to make everything seem hopeless and negative. For example...I could stick to my ED mindset and be negative and just ruin all the good things easily:
- today my macbook died and I probably lost everything on it
- today I had 4 guilt foods and felt guilty
- today I felt hollow

OR I could realize that I am slowly progressing and I need to document it!
- my computer dying can be a chance to "wipe the slate clean"
- I ate a healthy amount of calories, and a broad range of foods...didn't binge, just over-ate a bit
- I was hyper and happy today
- I made new friends today
- I started prepping for the SATs today
- I read lots of jane austen today
- it rained and I snuggled in my sweaters/coat