Bulimia Help

being a white kid of the 21st century i have depression. ive been living in one major episode for the past three years or so. i have been taking a max dose of wellbutrin for over a year now and i think its helped pretty well, i dont even remember what i felt like before it kicked in. things got tougher last spring so my doc added a small dose of zoloft to it. the zoloft turned me into a skeleton and i hardly had an appetite. the bad news was outside forces were worsening my depression so the zoloft couldnt really help me. in fact i made me feel so out of place. i felt like i was just visiting a life that i have been living for quite sometime now. if that makes any sense. it was like i was watching a really boring wes anderson film of myself. so my doc took me of the zoloft and i gradually developed an appetite, an emotional eating copping strategy, and some bulimic habits. the skin n bones i once was has filled in a bit but i still have an unhealthy relationship with food.

the reason i am writing this blog is because i have just started with a small dose of effexor. i have heard some horror and praise stories about it, but i am not too concerned it being a similar chemical structure as zoloft and at such a low dose. but i have read that people on it have develope binging or that the medicine helped relieve the urge to binge. ive read that people have had rapid weight loss and gain.

i am just curious to know if anyone has ever been on a similar combination of meds, specifically effexor and whether it has helped or hindered their recovery and any other things i should be aware of.

thanks and love and such

so the other night i got stupid. had two dinners two pieces of apple pie two slices of cake and too many cookies. somehow i managed to pull this off with my mom in the vicinity.

went upstairs to laydown becaus ei was too irritable to be around anyone. my chest started to hurt and i felt dizzy. i managed to fall asleep that way.

i just got stupid again and the pains are back.

you think after fucking feeling like death id realize how bad this is. yesterday was fine and today i followed the same damn regime i dont understand what happened. im so hopped up on sugar and so fed up i just want break a wall or punch a window or something. ugh fuck.

remember when we were kids? mom would say "you can have one, or else you'll get a tummy ache."-(in reference to fresh cookies she just baked, or a pie she just made for desert)

she was too right.

well, about two days ago i polished off a tin of her fresh homemade cookies. i told her when she got home because she asked why i was so mopey all day. she went and baked too more batches last night. theyre conveniently placed on the counter and the table in the kitchen so i cant so much as go in that room without being reminded of their presence.

its like my mom wants me to destroy myself. seriously after my last encounter with those cookies i thought i was going to end it. (ridiculous i know, right?) she doesnt know about all this eating business but she is concerned about my weight so it seems shell do everything she can to control my eating for me. i dont want that. im not 6 years old anymore, i am perfectly capable of feeding myself and feeding myself correctly. it just takes some practice is all.

i dont understand why this happens. eating is supposed to be one of the few things you can control. what the hell does it mean when you cant even control your own actions. it just throws my whole concept of the self out the window. i feel like theres someone else behind my eyes along with who i believe to be me and theyre fighting over the controls. i want a lobotomy.

i ceased laxative abuse a few months ago after my doctor caught on in fear that she would rat me out to my parents. now i just exercise. 1st thing when i wake up and last thing before bed. i eat so much fiber because i love the feeling of my body being naturally empty.

i just binged an hour ago and i was so upset with myself that i began to punch my own face and even started running myself into the walls. i can not even begin to explain how hard it was to resist the urge to pick up a pair of scissors that were a few feet away from me and just go to town. like seriously perform my own autopsy. decorate the house with my internal organs. just thinking about it makes me feel a little less worse. i want out of this body. it is literally weighing me down. i cant even attempt to nourish it anymore without it seizing control and engulfing the most disgusting processed garbage around.

the more i dwell on it the more i think that the entire act of eating is disgusting. taking something foreign and putting it into your body and somehow it is supposed to help.

why does your face get rosey and swollen when recovering? is it from water retention?

i am a loner, ive lost all of my friends due either to my own actions or theirs. things were easier when i first began my days with only myself as company, but now, especially when i am down, i can hardly stand my own presence. i really need friends, i can only tell my parents, doctors, therapists, etc so much. i need the support group that may actually understand what i am feeling.

to make things that much more difficult, i resort to binging when i am feeling extremely isolated. and i only feel worse knowing that my isolation is my own doing, so i set myself up for failure. then if i binge i get double the guilt afterwards.

all i have is school and i cant even care or focus on that because i just want someone to remind me i am wanted.

and fuck anti-depressants/ anti-psychotics, welbutrin isnt enough to stabilize me so i was given abilify as an augment. so far i just feel bloated and sore, my muscles spasm and twitch, and i can hardly keep my eyes open. (ironically before i started the abilify i couldnt sleep for more than three hours at a time.) its only been about a week on abilify and if all these side-effects continue then i am going to stop it. id rather be depressed and sleep deprived then all these new wonderful symptoms i am experiencing.

the past three (four?) nights i binged and i just didnt do anything about it i just didnt care. i should feel guilty or else i wont be able to recognize binging anymore. i suppose i need to structure things a bit more, i think i got sidetracked. this is more of a journal entry than a blog, im just going to post it because it will help motivate(hopefully).

there was a girl, we had a history. she chose someone else over me. some tall lanky fellow with golden locks and blue eyes. go figure. they didnt last. i was still waiting. she tugged me along for a time, never letting me too close. i tried numerous times to tell her my feelings and she never took them into consideration, still we remained very close because i was one of the few who cared for her. she caused me so much distress over our two year tug-o-war. she was bulimic along with what else only she knows. i could hear her in the bathroom on our movie nights, there was nothing i could really do. i really tried. i suppose i picked up my unhealthy eating habits through her, im not blaming her. exposure through proximity is all. shes gone, i shut her out not too long ago because i thought itd be best. a course im the most selfish person in the world to her now for attempting to care for myself. i dont even know why shes in my head at the present time. fuck. im gonna go smoke a cigarette.

I rarely ever drink, tomorrow is an important event and I know I will drink, most likely an Irish coffee. My concern is that I have never been drunk since I became bulimic and I am worried that if I am too inebriated I might binge.

Has this happened to anyone? Im a real light weight so I dont plan to have much at all.

I have found that brushing my teeth and using Listerine immediately following each meal really helps. Try it.