Bulimia Help

Okay, on and off, I've been b/p'ing. Today was horrible.....3 times into a complete daze. Like a zombie, I wasted HOURS on this. I could have read a book or something.

I have so much anguish, and remorse, and feel like I've lost a huge chunk of myself. My parents and my aunt gone, my world is just not and never will be the same. Every time I felt crappy, my mother was ALWAYS there, she never failed me. Now, who do I call? Who can I hug or cry and lean on?

My asocial life has gone to nil. I moved to my sister's house, where I don't know anybody, and everyone is never home..... so I stay home most of the day, on most days, and sit around. I either am very lazy, frightened someone is going to crash through a window and kill me, have high hopes of immediately being thin and check out my body(llike that would really change anything, besides I'm small anyways), worry about getting cancer and dropping dead soon, worried I am sexually dysfunctioned, touching my poor teeth, think about watching my parents and aunt die and about my own death, massage my swollen face, b/p and spend time concerned that I am never having a normal social/family life.

My life has become this conglomerate of anxiety over everything. I'm so tired of this. I won't drink, I'd rather b/p, sadly enough. I only do it because I am trying to cover up any anxiety/depression. I ave been on meds for like 2 weeks. I think I feel a little less "aaagh!" but not really. Sometimes I get these thoughts like "all this suffering... it's not worth it" ...I don't want to hurt myself, but these strange thoughts.... I banish them, but they tend to slip in here and there.

I dont know what to do.

You know, everyday for the past 2 years I wake up and I say "Today is going to be different and new, it will be good." And sometimes it is different but usually I find myself repeating the same habits of b/p'ing almost everyday if not everyday.

Today can be different. It's 4:15am in East Coast USA, and I hear the birds chirping and clamoring, and they know a new day is to begin, and they are all out, calling for a new lover, feeding a new chick, singing a new song, flying a new height. That is what I want! To be that free-loving soul that glides with the earth's every passing movement.

Will today be THAT new day of change and abandonment of fear?

So my parents dead on March 20th and Aunt dead 10 days ago. I had a feeling she was going to pass the next day so I began the drive to her house, where she was spending her final days, at 11pm that Thursday night. Friday I got there at 12pm, and we all held her close until she passed away at 3pm. I never saw someone die before, it was horrible because my aunt was mostly in a coma and suffering terrible pains from tumors all over her body. She looked like the living dead, though once she passed she looked as if she was in peace. Thank God, cause the pain she had endured is insane.

Me, I continue to b/p and smoke. It's as if I am asking for a long painful death of my own, or a short one out of a heart attack from purging. I eat normal meals, I do, but the nights are and have always been killer for me. At night my mind is so tired and my defenses are down so all my thoughts become negative. I think I'm fat kind of thoughts are there but I am well aware that these thoughts are merely distractions from me dealing with the real issues at hand: dealing with death. And not only the recent death of my family, but my own demise. One day I will not exist. I dont want to be frightened of this concept and want to fully accept that this body is not immortal. So why do I desire an ideal body that is unattainable or painful to attain? Because it is a damn good distraction placed upon women in this society.

If it weren't for my drug/booze sobriety, then I'd be drinking/drugging instead to avoid my fears. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Although my fear now is primarily on death, our everyday fears are constantly being avoided by the act of binging and purging.
Fucking hard!!! Tomorrow, 3 meals 2 snacks in normal portions. Either exercise or go to an AA meeting. Finish my todo list, and look into colleges im interested in. So I am busy, so theoretically i cant fit a b/p into myy schedule :) we shall see

So I ate a yummy healthy breakfast, a lite lunch cause I wasn't really hungry. Came home and ate a rasberry bran muffin (very yummy actually), a handful of yogurt-covered-raisins, an apple, mango slicesand banana chips. Why do I do this? I should have just eaten a meal. I freak out and say I should only eat this much (like nothing). But of course I am still hungry and so I snack some more. I mean I didnt snack bad, it was like a meal. But I should have just eaten in one shot instead of running back and forth to the kitchen.
When I do this I all of a sudden want to binge then purge. But I know I am binging and I stopped and came on this computer. Now I am going for a walk with my sis's dog. It will be good for me and the dog cause she doesnt get out much. SO I guess it is a win-win situation. Hopefully the fresh air will clear my mind and not the kitchen cabinets.

Both my parents died 2 months ago. My aunt (my father's sister) is in stage 4 cancer, took her off anymore more meds cause they are hopeless. Now they have a nurse to help her relax and enjoy her last few days. This makes me so sick. I lose my parents and now my aunt. My dad's brother, he's so distraught, both his siblings, and no others, gone. I am afraid he will kill himself like my father did to himself. I am so frightened.

I b/p so I dont feel like I am being haunted. I am afraid someone is going to kill me, even if I close my eyes for a second. I dont sleep most nights, just b/p through the night to avoid hearing sounds around the house when people are sleeping. To avoid the silence. I live with my sister and brother now. My brother walked into my dead parents scene, I am afraid my aunt's death will really fuck him up, he already is fucked up. He had to give my mom CPR while blood poured out of her mouth. God fucking christ. I am just fucked up from this. I dont want to drink or drug. I got on an antidepressant a few days ago; I had leftovers from an old prescription. But I b/p all the time. I dont know what the fuck to do.

I know I posted something like this the other day but this is all i can think about.

Both my parents died near the end of March. I am so confused. At times I am happy and carefree, how can I be? I then tell myself as I remember the olden days. My father shot my mother and killed himself. My family is devastated, I lived with them and now I am staying at my sister's house, and took a leave form school. I was away on a trip while my brother waked right into the scene. My heart is pulverized.

Prior to my parents' death, I was doing pretty well. Then for about 10 days I didnt b/p at all. I couldnt think about anyhting but how my parents were gone just like that. Since then my life is very slowly coming to, but so has binging and purging everyday multiple times a day. GOD DAMMIT. Everything so sucks right now.

I hate bulimia so much, with a passion. I am so good all day then boom! I am held in a tight grip by bulimia. And instead of bereaving I stuff my face. And vomit. I dont even know what to feel and I avent cried. I feel cold and heartless for some reason, even thoug I dearly miss my parents. God, I feel so bad for the chaos in my father's head and the pain and agony before my mother was shot. What the fuck? Thats all I can say over and over again. I'm so afraid someone is going to kill me someday soon, even though it is irrational. And its only booze (which I have given up for quite some time now) and food that keeps me away from those demons. I am too afraid to deal with both reality and figmets of my own imagination.
Help.

I had 7 days and b/p'ed on the 8th. I'm glad i made it a whole week, instead of only day 5 or 6. Next, I am making the goal for 8 days, one more day than my last attempt. I really think I can do it, I just have to really focus and be attentive of what I need to do for recovery.

1. What helps is really eating slowly and in a quiet area, and being conscious of my eating and how my body feels. All that structured eating stuff is a God send. I just have to remember to continuously practice it.

2.Second of all, I need to remember that If I binge it wil always be okay, I wont explode, and tomorrow is a new day for practice. I have such a HARD time dealing with a binge without a purge. Ultimately when I purge its only because I binge all day long. It usually starts out with me binging lightly all day and then by the night I just say screw it. I need help pushing through this.

3. I cant be home alone for more than an hour. If i know I will be then I have to do anything outside of the house. If i cant leave with my car, then at least go for a walk and get on the phone with someone who knows. This is a must, otherwise if I dont this is where a binge begins.

4. Lastly, normal sleep and sleep patterns are key. I cant stay up until 2-3am, because I am only one awake and more likely to be too tired to think rationally. Also, normalizing sleep patterns also normalizes other patterns in my life.

So, yea this is what I have to keep in mind. The other part that is making this recovery really difficult for me lately is my mother's recent mention of her desire to divorce. My father is flipping out, he's being physically and emotionally abusive to her (has been for 30 years). My mother only stayed because she wanted us kids to grow up.

My boyfriend said to me today that there is no such thing as problems, it's just life and we have to learn how to deal one moment at a time. I think i agree with that. I do make up a lot of my problems, like with social anxiety, but some slap me in the face cold.

my parents, so tired of being put in the middle, of them two. since my mom has told my dad she wanted a divorce, like 2 weeks ago, things get more and more depressing. I finally recognized how much of an asshole he was and is, though at the same time he's done many great things for the family. all my life i truly believed every word he said, and slowly, as ive been living at home for 7 months now ( after living a ways away for 6 years),i realized that he was more of a douche than i thought, and i dont resent my mom for wanting a divorce. He's a physically and emotionally abusive shitbag, and toat quality certainly outweighs his goodness. I feel horrible though, because he is still my father and has tried his hardest despite his extreme anger issues. He had an EXTREMELY difficult and crazy life, ad maybe thats why he is the way he is... although i can accept thios fact i can not tolerate his crap. no one in my family can. I fear he will die confused, selfabsorbed and alone. I cry everytime i think of it. He is 61... he doesnt have much time left. i wish he could see before he's in the ground, just so he can finally be happy in his life. ugh, fighting these tears.

so I am approaching the the midnight hour into Day 4.... that dreadful number. Damn day 4 and 5's. But what I find is on days I stay home, especially alone I am surprisingly very very hungry! and days when I go do shit i want or have to do, Im not so hungry.... hmmmm a connection here?

I mean, i know this already but its finally clicked in my head. I now fully realize that on days i am alone at home i need to just get the hell out of the house and do anything. cause im not ready to stay at home all day, that is whats really messing me up.

So tomorrow i have a paper to type, have some family that cam up today, work tomorrow night, then meet up with the bf on his way through ny for the weekedn and staying at a fancy hotel spa with him for the night before he moves on with his travels.

then monday back t the grind! oh yea, did i mention that there is this awesome guy i wanna bang, and who really digs me, while i have a current 5.5 year long relationship[ to a guy ill marry, that i havent seen in 7 months, and have another 4 more to go? and now there is this cool dude who falls right into my lap while the bf is away. is this a test form above?
dammit.

So today I get to go to the dentist, in about 2 hours time. I'm a little frightened about going, really. I think i'm going to just tell him the truth because it's better that then me feeling small and ashamed the entire time when he probably knows anyways. Plus, he can help me more if I am honest. And once I tell him, the anxiety of him finding out is gone, because now he knows, so big deal. It's always the anticipation that is worse than the actual event.

I also want to get my front teeth bonded, cause they did get a little smaller and misshapen since bulimia now almost 2 years ago. The entire time my bulimia was very severe. At least now a days its like 1-2x/wk. A heck of a lot better than a few months ago. But my teeth and gums still suffer nonetheless. Especially my gums, they super sensitive and sore when I floss.

Even though I really want to get my front teeth bonded, I dont know if I should now because I feel like I dont have much recovery time, and I dont want to b/p at all if I get my teeth done. It would be a waste of time and money (its not cheap!).

I did b/p last night. It was so dumb. I could have stopped it, but I didnt. I had 4 days again b/p free then messed it up last night. My parents are getting a divorce I guess and yesterday they both individually bad mouthed each other to me, told me that I am not supporting them (picking sides), and when they are both around they indiscreetly talk louder while talking shit about each other to me. So fucking annoying. I'm the only other person at home, and I want to tell my siblings because I am hurting, but my mother wants to tell them in person (they live 5 hours away, so I wait until they have time to visit). God, why do they have to put me in the middle?