Bulimia Help

I allow myself to fall
I don't care to try
The further I fall, deeper and deeper into my hole
I crave to fall further
I have already fallen far enough
Why turn back now?

I hear myself think the above
And I laugh at the pity party I have thrown
I just wanted a quick fix
all the time
so I pay the price
and cry and stuff myself alone

I feel stuck, trapped and chained
I am tired of the cycle
Im tired of being a slave
I tired of getting sick

And the saddest part is
I sit here watching myself and my life
waste away
My dreams, my goals, my posessions, my talents, my morals, my sacredness, my individuality, creativity, honesty, purity, integrity, focus, time and love....
all waste away
and my roots turn dark and decayed
tarnished with the misery of iniquity

sick little girl,
get well for the ones who love you if you can't seem to do it for yourself.

I have had the worst 2 days of binging and isolating myself from the world to EAT! I can feel my energy, spirit and inner light TOTALLY dim and fade to a dark mist that floats in NO DIRECTION....except for the pantry and the bathroom. I did not feel present during any activities. My motivation level dropped to a zero....I had to make that fake painted on smile that I have made sooo often. And I basically need to STOP now! It has been a stressful week at school as I am facing the end of my term. But, I have been avoiding focusing on preparing myself from school because I just want to hide away from the world with a blanket, in my bath robe with MULTIPLE bowls of cereal, ice cream, candy, chocolate, pizza....and then I look at the mess I have made and ask myself "Was it really worth it?" And I always answer "NO!" and I vow I will never do it again as I make my way to the bathroom. The feeling of releasing heavy, rushing food and liquid from my stomach is the most addicting, comforting and calming release. Most people think vomitting is unpleasant and painful etc....but after years of painful practice, the vomitting if effortless, painless and done with ease....(unless I've eaten too much pizza, bread, clumpy food). The worst part is.....I AM LIVING A LIE! I have this big secret....this hidden side in me that I indulge in. I have to stop this....or else I will fade away. I need help from myself. My plan is to make a healthy meal plan to follow. No diets, nothing restrictive....just a guide! I need my own guidance, my roomates guidance and divine guidance. Living with my best friend can be difficult to hide my disorder from. I told her I am bulimic and asked her to keep to accountable....but then when I have a rough week and turn to my Eating disorder to cope, I choose to use ED and that makes it hard on our friendship because I am sneaking around trying to hide it from her. She always knows when I am struggling. Sometimes I lie, sometimes I dont.