marysteele313's blog

geting back on track

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It is 1:30 in the afternoon and I just ate breakfast. Normally on days like this I would have my husband that I am separated with either pick the girls up to watch them or to stay here with them while I go and do things I need to do without them like going to therapy and usually visitng someone, or running errands. Today I don't have therapy this week because she's on vacation, and because he came here to watch the girls five hours after the agreed time and I couldn't tolerate being around him for too long I made him go home with the girls, which also gives me a chance to catch up on getting thins done around here without distractions.
I am not very happy today. Putting up with J started my day off bad. I am frustrated because of all the things I haven't been able to do lately, and yet I know all I can do is move forward and keep trying, but I feel so behind with things and feel like I first have to catch up, then get back to where I need to be, and it feels like there just isn't enough time to do it.
I blew a friend off yesterday. Her daughter and kids were coming into town an I invited them to visit me at my place because it would be easier for the kids to play and the adults to have fun, too. I really was looking forward to it but J was late getting to work and that meant he'd have to work later and since this bday party I almost forgot about was starting earlier I went ahead and took the kids to it and just totally forgot about my plans with the friends and didn't make time to call her back after she called once and it reminded me.
I still owe some family some house cleaning for helping me financially after using all my money for the week on gas to go to Michigan and back, and a friend from church called to see why I have been missing a lot and I don't want to call her back and try to explain but yet I feel like I should.

14 years ago today

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Fourteen years ago today I almost suceeded in commiting suicide. I overdosed on some meds I was taking, klonodine and paxil. I had it in my mind for days or maybe even weeks. I had the plan, I was fed up with living and didn't have a lot of hope, and yet something kept making me put it off for a while. Then one day a comment was made that felt so bad at the time that all the things that were keeping me here didn't matter anymore. This was towards the end of sixth grade.
I had a pizza party coming up, a play at school I was a part of, and maybe a couple of other things that kept making me say to myself, just wait. Finally, that was it. I took all the pills, wrote a note and went to sleep, planning on never waking up again.
My cousin shook me hard a few hours later to wake me up for school. My mom drove me to school mad because I was late yet again, and I had to go get a tardy slip in the office. My first class was social studies and we had to take a test. I kept passing out, and the 3 other girls at my table, 2 that are friends through FB with me now kind of laughed and said I was up late reading and they were used to me being tired and falling asleep. One of my issues was that the meds did make me fall asleep a lot, even at school, so I got in trouble or laughed at by my peers constantly. In school, trying hard to listen but dreaming of my desk magically turining into a bed,...
This time my teacher showed mje some compassion under the impression that I was really just a little tired. She let me take my test in the library after class when everyone else went to ar5t, music or wherever, specials is what we called those classes. The librarian kept checking up on me as I passed out, Lynn Royer (God rest her soul, she passed away from cancer). The last time she checked on me, my eyes were dialated and foam was coming out of my mouth. She helped me get help, and my life did change a lot for the better ever since.

great day today!!! :)

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Today could have easily been another cycle day for me, with restricting, bingeing and purging, but somehow I managed to stick with my schedule for the most part!!! I am trying to eat 3 meals, a fun food and a healthy snack every day in intervals. I didn't feel like eating much for breakfast but somehow ended up eating a banana. I ate lunch and it was ok, and then it felt like I had to start cooking dinner right away so that was a little hard because of how close it seemed to lunch but by the time I cooked and prepared it we were ready for it, my girls and I. :)
I ate my fun food earlier and felt like I cheated after by also eating a popsicle but I had really bad cotton mouth and so I tried to not feel bad and just focused on staying on track. I know it will probably get easier as long as I keep it up. People that I know that are recovered and loving recovery say it's a process, it get's easier, give it time. I can't wait to be like these people and be able to feel the same way as a truly recovered person myself!
I had little stress today. I had no plans, got to just stay home, and I have been doing well :) Maybe I just need to organize these days for myself more, they seem to help me do better! I spend so much time trying to balance everything else in, and this is something I need and want more. Recovery.

about lobby day

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So it has been a while but I have been very busy lately and haven't been able to make time to write about a trip I took on here till now.
On Monday April 11th I flew to Washington DC to participate in a lobby day for the FREED Act the next day.
That first night we had a meet and greet reception and I was very nervous but excited. Every single person I met seemed very nice and the food that they had there wasn't at all what I was expecting, and I know that I didn't feel intimidated by it in the least. I was a little worried about meals we would be sharing while there, but the organization did a great job with selections, the EDC (eating disorder coalition).
We had a long and busy day on that Tuesday, April 12th, but it was WONDERFUL. My lobby team leader was someone that I couldn't wait to meet, and I got to spend most of the day with her and go to know her a little better. The other girls on my team were from Texas and very nice, though I didn't talk to one as much. We split up for parts of our mission and I stayed with the one girl, and I liked her though she seemed to be feeling pretty bad, and I didn't know what to say! We talked to people in teams of 2 or 4, and tried to get senators and congressmen to sponsor our bill by telling them how eating disorders affect us personally. We spoke to many assistants outside in hallways or in offices, and one girl and I got to even meet a congressman and ride in a tram car thingy in some tunnels underneath the capitol.

I'm done with these for now!

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Today after a lot started going on I made it to my therapy session! My youngest daughter woke up with an asthma attack, and on the way to my friends house for babysitting my car kind of died, though it's ok now and hard to explain. Also after walking the girls to the house, then bumming a ride down the street from their friend for $10 I saw my therapist, THANK GOD.
I was really having problems by then, dealing with it all. My legs were shaking horribly, and my phone kept ringing which meant while I ignored it and tried to talk anyway, we got to listen to Franchessca Batistelli singing "This is the stuff".
Sometimes therapy is going in and hearing my therapist tell me (over and over at times) the same things. I had a huge stressor not too long ago that did lead me to relapsing. I may be physically fine now for the most part, but I don't want to help my body shut down later! I can't control my car, and Em's asthma, and all these things that are part of every day life, but I CAN control my recovery (I shook my head and said that I didn't feel like I could right now).
This is my ED, I'm sorry to introduce it. It says I can't get back to eating and stuff, it says I need to keep doing things like taking those diuretics. It says that I am not ok to be well. It allows me to feel like I can't do it!

not sure what to expect

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Today I made it to church with my girls! What a beautiful day! I love when we make it because I have so much trouble getting us up and ready on time, usually.
I felt like a liar. People asked me how I was, and I said I was fine. I felt great, just know I have been up to something and I hate having to talk about negative things. I mean, someoine would have listened, or tried to help, but I am on that already and doing what I can to be ok while I wait to talk to my providers. I feel weird doing this and then telling on myself, but my ED is so bad that maybe I do need to do something I don't know about, like at least get blood work done and see if my body is working the way it's supposed to be right now. I am anxious. I don't know how that will get me to stop taking them, though, but maybe when I talk to someone who will refer me they will tell me if I am supposed to be taking the same amount or just if I do need to wean off of them, and how for sure. I can't trust myself right now while I am not recovered. I have to trust anyone else, whether it's my counselor, doctor, whatever I can do to have someone understand and help that doesn't have these thoughts going through their heads.
I am tired but so happy. I had a good day so far and am looking forward to trying to take a nap for a bit, it's my favorite thing to do after church on Sundays. Thanks for reading, take care!

not doing well but making sure to talk about it now!

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I started doing something unhealthy that made me start relapsing a lot in the last few weeks. I also got kind of quiet about it, I brought it up when I started it, but then stopped. A few days later I began again. I haven't seen my therapist for a while now because we both had to cancel for different reasons last week and the time before that was the Monday before. I also haven't called and left her a message to tell her what was going on, which I usually would, because she's been out and I know she won't even check it till I'd be able to maybe see her again. I don't think there is a counselor/nurse on call or anything for my counseling agency, because I looked it up under some else's advice.
This last Monday I drove to my support group thinking I really needed to tell them what I was up to. This thing was making me be more secretive and start the whole cycle over, and I was doing a lot better! I talked myself out of it because I was worried it might be triggering too much and that I shouldn't bring it up. I was reading about what things could happen if I continued my behavior, and I read some bad things, but decided to keep it up because of the "good" things that stuck out.
I finally had something weird happen with fb that made me decide to go ahead and try to get a hold of the counselor for my support group to find out what to do. She wrote back to me and said to try and talk to my doctors office, or call the psychiatrist, or someone, asap. She said she didn't know if I could just stop what I was doing, and I never considered that. I read more on the subject and realized I had to keep it up, but try to taper off. It's dangerous to be doing the way I am, and it could be dangerous to just stop, too. Plus, I know I can't just stop yet, or I wouldn't be in this mess! The only way to prevent this problem is to not start it!
I am anxious about Monday. I have to talk to someone, soon, and I don't know what to expect. I wish I never started this!!!

why I want to recover list

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I was trying to think about things to help me with recovery. Why do I want to recover? Here's a list of what I came up with so far: 1: My kids hate when I eat their left over food 2: we can't keep a lot of certain kinds of food around here (binge foods) 3: my daughter laughed and thought it was funny when my stomach was growling really loud while she sat in my lap 4: what if the kids copy my ED behaviors? 5: I'm tired of what ED tells me, I want to think/feel better! 6: I'm not setting a good example 7: I can't have life-long treatment or death 8: I could be setting up my body to be damaged later on 9: I myself up when I (don't exercise enough, binge, don't purge enough, drink pop instead of water, eat too fast, don't follow a rigid schedule like I feel I have to follow) 10: I need to practice what I preach! (as an ED advocate). 

my birthday

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I was doing well for a while but had started a new ED thing, a way to purge quietly when I had some houseguests. I told my therapist, and she said that it was dangerous, and I believe her, but don't see it for myself like she does. I also stopped making myself throw up, but then did it again last friday for the first time in a lot of weeks. It felt good. I missed it, and now want to go back into it all, full blown.
Today is my 26th birthday. My girls gave me a party last night with their dad and his parents, and we had cake. I drank some screwdrivers during the day and throughout the night, and then finally ate some birthday cake. I saw an empty chicken sandwich box that grammy brought, and it made me hungry. I went and got something to eat, fully palnning on purging. I couldn't! There is something about not being allowed to throw up my birthday cake! The binge was the first foods I have eaten for a while, and I just didn't want to as much as I thought I did. I can't believe I was able to stop myself using my birthday as an excuse,.. whatever works! I just hate trying to recover but knowing I could step back into it so fast and easily,... the funny thing is I didn't even like the taste of the cake all that much. After serving up some nice big slices for everyone else Papaw said I was only giving them big pieces so that I wouldn't have too much left over,. if only he really knew how dangerous it is for me to have a cake or something laying around, how I really do need to get rid of it as soon as possible. I feel kind of sad for me as a woman with an eating disorder. It is terrible how much trouble something as simple as having a birthday cake, or even just a slice can be. I hope my girls grow up healthy and never have trouble like this!

processing specific recovery stuff

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I guess I am recovering. I found out that the newest diagnosis was an eating disorder not otherwise specified and was upset that it wasn't bulmia. I made sure to ask my therapist about it and she never directly answered me but I know that it was written as ED NOS. Somehow we went to her telling me that we would really know what my set weight was after I have gone without any bingeing, purging or restricting. I guess I was agreeing, because I asked her how long it would take, and right away she said 4-6 months.

I have been doing a lot better. Some restricting, more bingeing but also getting used to making eating three meals a priority again, but I have gotten back on track with my medicine for the most part which does help, and I feel really good right now, even though I have gained weight over time. I still want to lose it, but I recognize that it's my ED talking. I have made steps to healthier eating, and getting good at trying hard to not have binge foods around. having more people to feed in my home will help me with that, we need more practical food and less of the good stuff. My therapist suggested a snack with my three meals and another snack thing as a fun food. I don't feel there yet. I have so much trouble making myself eat real food, fun stuff is too much. I want to want it and be able to have it, though! I will work towards feeling that way as soon as I can.

I'm tired of it being so important in my life. I don't want the girls to see it, ever! I want to desire recovery more, and feel better about myself as a healthy person. I want stuff that I can have, but it is so much harder then just giving up and going back.

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