Bulimia Help

So it has been a while but I have been very busy lately and haven't been able to make time to write about a trip I took on here till now.
On Monday April 11th I flew to Washington DC to participate in a lobby day for the FREED Act the next day.
That first night we had a meet and greet reception and I was very nervous but excited. Every single person I met seemed very nice and the food that they had there wasn't at all what I was expecting, and I know that I didn't feel intimidated by it in the least. I was a little worried about meals we would be sharing while there, but the organization did a great job with selections, the EDC (eating disorder coalition).
We had a long and busy day on that Tuesday, April 12th, but it was WONDERFUL. My lobby team leader was someone that I couldn't wait to meet, and I got to spend most of the day with her and go to know her a little better. The other girls on my team were from Texas and very nice, though I didn't talk to one as much. We split up for parts of our mission and I stayed with the one girl, and I liked her though she seemed to be feeling pretty bad, and I didn't know what to say! We talked to people in teams of 2 or 4, and tried to get senators and congressmen to sponsor our bill by telling them how eating disorders affect us personally. We spoke to many assistants outside in hallways or in offices, and one girl and I got to even meet a congressman and ride in a tram car thingy in some tunnels underneath the capitol.

Today after a lot started going on I made it to my therapy session! My youngest daughter woke up with an asthma attack, and on the way to my friends house for babysitting my car kind of died, though it's ok now and hard to explain. Also after walking the girls to the house, then bumming a ride down the street from their friend for $10 I saw my therapist, THANK GOD.
I was really having problems by then, dealing with it all. My legs were shaking horribly, and my phone kept ringing which meant while I ignored it and tried to talk anyway, we got to listen to Franchessca Batistelli singing "This is the stuff".
Sometimes therapy is going in and hearing my therapist tell me (over and over at times) the same things. I had a huge stressor not too long ago that did lead me to relapsing. I may be physically fine now for the most part, but I don't want to help my body shut down later! I can't control my car, and Em's asthma, and all these things that are part of every day life, but I CAN control my recovery (I shook my head and said that I didn't feel like I could right now).
This is my ED, I'm sorry to introduce it. It says I can't get back to eating and stuff, it says I need to keep doing things like taking those diuretics. It says that I am not ok to be well. It allows me to feel like I can't do it!

Today I made it to church with my girls! What a beautiful day! I love when we make it because I have so much trouble getting us up and ready on time, usually.
I felt like a liar. People asked me how I was, and I said I was fine. I felt great, just know I have been up to something and I hate having to talk about negative things. I mean, someoine would have listened, or tried to help, but I am on that already and doing what I can to be ok while I wait to talk to my providers. I feel weird doing this and then telling on myself, but my ED is so bad that maybe I do need to do something I don't know about, like at least get blood work done and see if my body is working the way it's supposed to be right now. I am anxious. I don't know how that will get me to stop taking them, though, but maybe when I talk to someone who will refer me they will tell me if I am supposed to be taking the same amount or just if I do need to wean off of them, and how for sure. I can't trust myself right now while I am not recovered. I have to trust anyone else, whether it's my counselor, doctor, whatever I can do to have someone understand and help that doesn't have these thoughts going through their heads.
I am tired but so happy. I had a good day so far and am looking forward to trying to take a nap for a bit, it's my favorite thing to do after church on Sundays. Thanks for reading, take care!

I started doing something unhealthy that made me start relapsing a lot in the last few weeks. I also got kind of quiet about it, I brought it up when I started it, but then stopped. A few days later I began again. I haven't seen my therapist for a while now because we both had to cancel for different reasons last week and the time before that was the Monday before. I also haven't called and left her a message to tell her what was going on, which I usually would, because she's been out and I know she won't even check it till I'd be able to maybe see her again. I don't think there is a counselor/nurse on call or anything for my counseling agency, because I looked it up under some else's advice.
This last Monday I drove to my support group thinking I really needed to tell them what I was up to. This thing was making me be more secretive and start the whole cycle over, and I was doing a lot better! I talked myself out of it because I was worried it might be triggering too much and that I shouldn't bring it up. I was reading about what things could happen if I continued my behavior, and I read some bad things, but decided to keep it up because of the "good" things that stuck out.
I finally had something weird happen with fb that made me decide to go ahead and try to get a hold of the counselor for my support group to find out what to do. She wrote back to me and said to try and talk to my doctors office, or call the psychiatrist, or someone, asap. She said she didn't know if I could just stop what I was doing, and I never considered that. I read more on the subject and realized I had to keep it up, but try to taper off. It's dangerous to be doing the way I am, and it could be dangerous to just stop, too. Plus, I know I can't just stop yet, or I wouldn't be in this mess! The only way to prevent this problem is to not start it!
I am anxious about Monday. I have to talk to someone, soon, and I don't know what to expect. I wish I never started this!!!

I was trying to think about things to help me with recovery. Why do I want to recover? Here's a list of what I came up with so far: 1: My kids hate when I eat their left over food 2: we can't keep a lot of certain kinds of food around here (binge foods) 3: my daughter laughed and thought it was funny when my stomach was growling really loud while she sat in my lap 4: what if the kids copy my ED behaviors? 5: I'm tired of what ED tells me, I want to think/feel better! 6: I'm not setting a good example 7: I can't have life-long treatment or death 8: I could be setting up my body to be damaged later on 9: I myself up when I (don't exercise enough, binge, don't purge enough, drink pop instead of water, eat too fast, don't follow a rigid schedule like I feel I have to follow) 10: I need to practice what I preach! (as an ED advocate). 

I was doing well for a while but had started a new ED thing, a way to purge quietly when I had some houseguests. I told my therapist, and she said that it was dangerous, and I believe her, but don't see it for myself like she does. I also stopped making myself throw up, but then did it again last friday for the first time in a lot of weeks. It felt good. I missed it, and now want to go back into it all, full blown.
Today is my 26th birthday. My girls gave me a party last night with their dad and his parents, and we had cake. I drank some screwdrivers during the day and throughout the night, and then finally ate some birthday cake. I saw an empty chicken sandwich box that grammy brought, and it made me hungry. I went and got something to eat, fully palnning on purging. I couldn't! There is something about not being allowed to throw up my birthday cake! The binge was the first foods I have eaten for a while, and I just didn't want to as much as I thought I did. I can't believe I was able to stop myself using my birthday as an excuse,.. whatever works! I just hate trying to recover but knowing I could step back into it so fast and easily,... the funny thing is I didn't even like the taste of the cake all that much. After serving up some nice big slices for everyone else Papaw said I was only giving them big pieces so that I wouldn't have too much left over,. if only he really knew how dangerous it is for me to have a cake or something laying around, how I really do need to get rid of it as soon as possible. I feel kind of sad for me as a woman with an eating disorder. It is terrible how much trouble something as simple as having a birthday cake, or even just a slice can be. I hope my girls grow up healthy and never have trouble like this!

I guess I am recovering. I found out that the newest diagnosis was an eating disorder not otherwise specified and was upset that it wasn't bulmia. I made sure to ask my therapist about it and she never directly answered me but I know that it was written as ED NOS. Somehow we went to her telling me that we would really know what my set weight was after I have gone without any bingeing, purging or restricting. I guess I was agreeing, because I asked her how long it would take, and right away she said 4-6 months.

I have been doing a lot better. Some restricting, more bingeing but also getting used to making eating three meals a priority again, but I have gotten back on track with my medicine for the most part which does help, and I feel really good right now, even though I have gained weight over time. I still want to lose it, but I recognize that it's my ED talking. I have made steps to healthier eating, and getting good at trying hard to not have binge foods around. having more people to feed in my home will help me with that, we need more practical food and less of the good stuff. My therapist suggested a snack with my three meals and another snack thing as a fun food. I don't feel there yet. I have so much trouble making myself eat real food, fun stuff is too much. I want to want it and be able to have it, though! I will work towards feeling that way as soon as I can.

I'm tired of it being so important in my life. I don't want the girls to see it, ever! I want to desire recovery more, and feel better about myself as a healthy person. I want stuff that I can have, but it is so much harder then just giving up and going back.

I bought a couple of shirts earlier that had to do with recovery for ed's and then I ended up relapsing. I was doing better by not restricting as much, not purging in any way, but I have been bingeing. I have been mostly eating my three meals plus.
I weighed myself the other day and it really upset me. I tried to not let it, but it did. I am going out to eat lunch with a neighbor possibly a new friend. I am nervous. I am not nervous about the food, because I will put half away for later right away and I am going to try to drink loads of water to be fuller already. I want to eat half with my friend, but it's hard to eat and talk, anyway, and I will eat my leftevers when I am more alone and calmer. I am going out of my comfort zone in a few hours, and I just hope I can pull it off! This lady is real nice, it's just that I don't think we'll have a lot in common, and I tend to talka lot and stuff,... my last lunch date was a little uncomfortable,.. I am glad I'm doing this, but sooo nervous. Eye contact, positive conversation.
Monday I have a nurses visit and I have a feeling they will want to weigh me, though they gave me an option the last time I saw the doctor there. I wrote one weight down on this form, but I weigh a lot more. It hurts. I know I have been doing so much better in general over the last couple of years but the weight gain HURTS. I don't think I can bear it, I may just have to let them do it and not look.
I have company here at home now, and it's been great so far, and good for my reciovery for the most part. I have trouble purging around people, so this helps more then they realize,...
Next week is National ED Awareness week! Check out local listings for events you can participate in, such as scale bashings, walks,.. Happy awareness week coming up!!!

I have been doing a little better then usual this week. I have eaten 3 meals, but sometimes binged, sometimes also had snacks, and yet I didn't purge in any way, and I didn't restrict as much as usual, either.
I ended up going out to eat lunch with some friends from church today. I told them about my upcoming trip and part of telling them about them had to do with me admitting to one that I have an eating disorder, bulimia. my other friend already knows, and she said that dreadful comment "if only I had an eating disorder maybe I could lose weight" and I didn't know what to say, I just shook my head a little and tried to explain how terrible they are. Some lunch conversation! This is why we need to get the public more educated about eating disorders! People just don't understand enough!
I had trouble filling out this form for Rachel, a health history form. I haven't weighed myself in a long time and so I just copied my weight from last year. I don't even want to think about what I weigh right now, and I am scared to death of getting weighed when I have an annual nurse visit next week. I know I might have to, and I just don't want to, but at the same time I wish I was just over this already and strong enough to not even think about it!!! Why do I care about my weight still? I am not weighing myself, but I think about it. I guess it's because it's been instilled in me for so long, this may take time.
One thing I can tell myself is that because I have never been completely "cured" yet of my ED that I can't say that it's impossible. It's possible, I just haven't gotten there myself, yet. I am just going to have to read about and listen to some inspiring and recovered people that I am blessed to know at least somewhat. R, K and J.
I am SO EXCITED about going to DC!

I have been wanting to recover a lot more lately! I had a bad binge the other night but didn't purge. I kept thinking how badly I was screwing up as I ate, and then knew that no matter what I couldn't take it a step farther and purge. I asked once how I was supposed to deal with the food, and the fullness, and the disgust I felt if I would eat and try to hold it down. I was told to sit with it, and to be uncomfortable, and to keep moving forward anyway. I could not help but wonder what I was getting from just sitting there full and hating myself, but now that it's over I feel like I am changing by doing that. I am letting myself think of the bulimia as the enemy, the bad feelings and negative thoughts and actions, and not the opposite ways that I feel when I engage in bulimia instead.
I fell and hit some ice hard a couple of times the other night and have been feeling pretty sore and was even a little weak about moving around the first day or so. I compared those feelings to how I feel when I am really sick with bulimia, and the only difference is when I am that bad off being sick with ED, I feel those ways but longer, usually, and yet I tell myself that is what I deserve and that it's better for me. I see some of the bad parts to being bulimic.
I have been reading my diary I kept from when I was 15 years old and there are so many entries about bulimia, and bulimic episodes I have had. The times that someone "caught me" what they said, how they reacted, how much I have denied and lied about.
I am now an advocate for ED's. I am still trying to recover, and yet I am going to use my name, face, words, whatever I can to try and help get the word out about ED's and to do what I can to help with treatment and prevention things. Right now I am going to lobby for a bill that is very important for people struggling. I am having trouble getting the flight and hotel part figured out right now, but I am registered and ready to be at this event coming up.