Bulimia Help

I am so excited! I was looking at a website through facebook, the eating disorders coalition page and realized that in April they are having a lobby day to work on getting this bill passed that will help with research, prevention and treatment for eating disorders. I have heard about this a lot over the last couple of years, and I even wrote my congressman a letter once sharing a past struggle I had personally that would have been easier with this bill being passed.
I have a good chance of being able to go and lobby for this bill in April. I want to try and make a difference for me and other people that have struggled with this. I am not sure what all it will take yet, other then a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration fees but I am so determined to get my butt up to Capitol Hill and do whatever I can to help make this work! I think that the more people we have, the better the outcome will be!
If anyone is interested look up the page for the eating disorder coalition, read up on the Freed Act, and what lobbying is all about. Maybe if you can't make it on that day you can still help in other ways, such as writing to your representatives, praying that it'll pass, passing on this information to others that might be interested. Good luck!

I had a long day but I really am feeling better about things! I am trying still to recover, and to get other problems under control, too, like waiting for my van to be fixed and getting me and the girls to sleep at decent times and waking up at the right times, too. I'm getting ready to pass out soon after being awake from 7:30 till now, 11. This is very early for me! I went to my support group and felt a little weird, maybe just from walking in the wrong way and being a couple of minutes late. I don't know. I like it, though. Wish the one friend I made is doing well and will get back there!
Last night I had my girls stay the night at grammy and papaws and I spent the night at my friends house to get up early and go to the eye doctor. I slept well, was comfortable and even had dreams that were funny though I can't recall much of them now. I got to see my therapist after my husband finally showed up thabnks to a cancellation the other day, and she was so nce about it, and I had a parenting class today that I like and I got to use a technique i learned today already, and tomorrow I take my daughter to her counselor and go to church and I am going to try and call this other doctor and see about what he diagniosed her with based off of some testing, so far it may eb a mild form of autism. She's intelligent, highly so, but has trouble expressing herself is what he had said already.
I can't wait to fall asleep and hopefully wake up at a decebnt time! I have so much i need to do, but I am so tired,...

On my way home from the airport after an attempt to go to a treatment center for my ed I confided in my dad about how my uncle on my mothers side treats me. I told him about some of the sick twisted things he has done and said and my dad told me that he hoped I didn't tell other people similar things about him.
I always hear about forgiveness, and I understand that my dad isn't much of a kid person, especially with girls, and I know he's older, and he just probably doesn't know how to handle things like that or whatever, but he dismissed it!!!! He treated me like a liar! All I wanted was some love, support, whatever and he treated me like I told him something that huge just like it was a story I was reading and one that was fiction.
It is true. You all are strangers. You don't know me. I have no reason to be telling any of you about this, I'm not just trying to entertain people or get attention.
Last night I went to their house, my mom lives with him. She was there, just a few feet away in her bedroom while my sick uncle told me this story about how a year or two ago before I started telling everyone about things he did and said that he was at my house visiting and I was having so much anxiety that there was nothing this (hero) could do to help me except to slip some xanax's in my drink. The weird thing about this is that I KNOW for 100% fact that there is no way he ever actually did that! I even told him so. I said, I have NEVER taken xanax. He said not intentionally. He said he slipped them in my drink. I know that it's a lie because I would never have been comfortable enough to lay down near him, or even fall asleep, rest, anything. He would've raped me for sure. I felt uncomfortable around him for the longest time.

I had a really bad day yesterday and a bad night. I am waiting to go to sleep. I had shut down a little due to how difficult things were to handle yesterday, nothing with my eating disorder, but just the every day aggravations. I have a cold or something, I have my monthly gift, and I have three of us that can't sleep at the right times, me and my girls. Oh, and the guilt that comes with knowing it's really my fault for not being able to have routine and structure in my life.
I know what I have trouble with, I just don't know how to fix it, and that frustrates me. I missed therapy. I haven't been hanging out with friends, and would be friends. I have a date I'm supposed to go on tomorrow and I can't stand the guy on the phone so I am not going to date him, and I haven't "broken up" with him, either, I just have pushed him out of the way for now, I have been really overwhelmed. I missed therapy, have been missing church, missed an na meeting, and I have just been feeling like I have barely been getting by. I am sick of this. It feels endless, and I feel alone and weak.
I love the positive list on here, because it is so hard for me to be positive sometimes. It helps when I sit here and really try to think of every single thing that was good, no matter how small it was, and just ignore the negative stuff at least just for that entry. This is what I would have put on there for yesterday:

A group counselor once suggested to me that maybe I had the munchies when I had checked in by talking about a binge I had one night. That got me thinking about how much having the munchies is just like binging, though with bulimia, it happens whether I smoke or not.
This past week I have had a goal of not binging at night for just this week. Just a couple of nights ago I really started getting more motivated to recover again. The funny thing about what started it is that I acted on an urge and after not seeing the results that would have made it worth it, I just started getting MAD and decided that maybe it really isn't worth it any longer!!! I spend so much time, energy and money on having bulimia, and haven't given recovery from it a good and long enough try yet.
After I made that mistake I noticed I had a very hard day with feeling extra irritable and I could not stand how that felt. So much trouble for nothing, and then I wasted a day where I could have been only having a good time with my kids. I am trying, and I am trying to not let it get to me, either.

Yesterday I had woken up earlier then usual and even did some yoga on my wii fit plus before waking my girls up. I wasn't going to let myself see my weight, but the balance board on that is like a scale so I did end up looking even though I could have skipped it. When you first get on it and do a body test it shows you how balanced you are, and it gives you your bmi and you have to choose if you want to see your weight, and out of habit I looked and it wasn't too different from before I started this experiment but it also really didn't bother me. I don't know. Sometimes the actual number makes me feel obsessed and sometimes it has nothing to do with anything.
I am glad it didn't bother me too much, and will just keep trying to not let it bother me.
I ate breakfast and lunch, and did take my daughter to therapy, and was happy to be able to say how well we were doing at home for now.
After we left therapy and went to our friend's house to pick my older daughter up, we ended up staying there for hours and played with their kids, and visited with my friends, and we built snow forts and had a nice big snowball fight that was so much fun! I never made a snow fort before then, and I gotta say, our side had a nice tall one! We even helped our enemies make one, too to try and hurry it up before we all had to go inside since it was getting pretty cold.
When my friend Shantel came to the door to call me and the kids in I told them all to grab some snowballs and fire which caused her to run back inside real quick :)

Today I had woken up late. I went to sleep earlier then usual for me, but decided that I wanted a good 8 hours so I set my alarms planning on sleeping in in order to get enough sleep. I felt good once I woke up, and the day started off with no plans and all fun. The girls and I ate breakfast together and then the phone started ringing. I felt bad for interrupting our game of trouble but I was happy to talk to the family members and friend that called. I don't get too many calls because people that know me know I get to where I am overwhelmed and can't always talk or get back to people, but it's nice to just talk sometimes when my life is not so crazy.
I ended up messing up badly last night. I don't want to admit it, but I think it's important that I do. I did not only binge but I blogged on here about how hard I was working, and then I ended up purging, then bingeing then purging again. The first time I did it was the first time in about 4 days or so. I felt extra dizzy and light after I did it, but I also felt horrible that I did it. I don't know if that's why I ended up bingeing again or not but I couldn't hold that one down, either after the first mistake, but I still promised that I would try to do better today.
I did do better in a sense. I ate my three meals and enjoyed them. I then later got frustrated and started another binge and on stuff I don't care for, and I felt too icky and purged again. I feel like a failure, but I still have time to keep trying!
My goals for tomorrow are to eat 3 meals and no bingeing and no purging. I will keep trying. I know I messed up, but if recovering was as easy as just snapping my fingers and doing it then I would not still have an eating disorder.

Today I started off with a bad start, and just got back into old habits of running around doing things other then recovering and I relapsed, accidentally. I did not mean to not really try to eat, it just kind of happened, and I know that it's not good.
First I slept in and it was too late for breakfast. Next I had a hard time getting lunch together for the girls with not having a lot of the odds and ends for things to make them a proper lunch and so by the time I went and bought stuff I was rushing around trying to go to this walk in place before they closed and it just kind of slipped my mind. I thought about it right around the time I started missing dinner, too, and it was just kind of too late for anything by then, though I made sure to eat a meal late from mcdonalds.
I do not like how I am feeling right now, but I'm holding it down. I feel bloated and greasy and yucky, but I am holding it all down. This is what I have to do! I don't have to like it, but I know when I am recovered all the way that it'll be easier and feel better! I hope, anyway!
I have gone grocery shopping, so things will be easier tomorrow. I picked up my meds, and I am getting ready to go to sleep here soon. These days are going fast, and I hope to be better at this by the end of my two weeks so maybe I can extend it longer!

It is after midnight so it is now day 4. The time is going very fast right now, and I have noticed that since I was able to decide to really try recovering just for this two weeks that I have been eating unhealthy foods when I eat, and though I haven't purged yet, I have been bingeing a lot. That is better then the cycle I was in before, and so I do notice a lot of progress already. I do want to stop bingeing, though, because I feel like I am just taking a break from the restricting and purging and just stuffing my face with whatever normally isn't allowed, like I am using this recovering experiment for an excuse to eat food I just don't let myself usually.
Still, all in all, I still have at least been breaking some parts of the cycle, and I am still determined to do better next time!
I want to weight myself, but part of this deal is to not pull my scale out at all during this time period, and if I have to get weighed like I will on the 4th of January, I just may not look. I already know that I will at least have to be weighed then, but I also know that that could be a triggering experience in a small way, so I am going to prepare myself for it.
This week I have two meetings I can go to, and a therapy session for my daughter. I am thinking about skipping the meetings, and seeing if I can cancel the therapy session so that I can make this week a rare week where we won't have to actually leave the house for any reason just so that I can concentrate on my recovery and relax with my girls after a long Holiday season. I am looking forward to this, yet I am a little worried that I will get bored. I am so used to running around a lot and staying busy that I have a hard time relaxing. Luckily the girls and I have been good this year, or at least good enough, because Santa brought us many games and activities to do together!

Today was Christmas Eve. It was also the day I chose to start this 2 week commitment on trying my hardest with recovering. Just two weeks right now.
I was given a really pretty necklace as a gift and was told it meant "journey" and I thought that sounded pretty fitting for what I am going through right now though they don't know or understand.
I think because it's new and I am motivated that is why this experiment is so exciting to me right now. I am focused and willing and working on it! I am dedicating these next two weeks to it.
Today I ate breakfast with my girls. I ate lunch at a drive through with my girls and by then felt really hungry and I actually really enjoyed it so much. For dinner I got upset by a family member and could not make myself eat at first but I finally sat down and ate everything on my plate, and then I had dessert, and I felt good and did not purge.
Today was easy so far. Now that it is night time and I am home, I want to binge on these snacks really badly. I can't, though. I have to finish up Santa things and then go to sleep myself, because I know from experience that little kids tend to naturally wake up hours earlier then usual just because it's Christmas day finally, and I have two little beautiful girls laying down now while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. I need to stay on the stronger path, and keep going for as long as possible!!! Even Santa needs to get some rest!!