marysteele313's blog

recovery shirts and relapsing

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I bought a couple of shirts earlier that had to do with recovery for ed's and then I ended up relapsing. I was doing better by not restricting as much, not purging in any way, but I have been bingeing. I have been mostly eating my three meals plus.
I weighed myself the other day and it really upset me. I tried to not let it, but it did. I am going out to eat lunch with a neighbor possibly a new friend. I am nervous. I am not nervous about the food, because I will put half away for later right away and I am going to try to drink loads of water to be fuller already. I want to eat half with my friend, but it's hard to eat and talk, anyway, and I will eat my leftevers when I am more alone and calmer. I am going out of my comfort zone in a few hours, and I just hope I can pull it off! This lady is real nice, it's just that I don't think we'll have a lot in common, and I tend to talka lot and stuff,... my last lunch date was a little uncomfortable,.. I am glad I'm doing this, but sooo nervous. Eye contact, positive conversation.
Monday I have a nurses visit and I have a feeling they will want to weigh me, though they gave me an option the last time I saw the doctor there. I wrote one weight down on this form, but I weigh a lot more. It hurts. I know I have been doing so much better in general over the last couple of years but the weight gain HURTS. I don't think I can bear it, I may just have to let them do it and not look.
I have company here at home now, and it's been great so far, and good for my reciovery for the most part. I have trouble purging around people, so this helps more then they realize,...
Next week is National ED Awareness week! Check out local listings for events you can participate in, such as scale bashings, walks,.. Happy awareness week coming up!!!

where I am at right now

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I have been doing a little better then usual this week. I have eaten 3 meals, but sometimes binged, sometimes also had snacks, and yet I didn't purge in any way, and I didn't restrict as much as usual, either.
I ended up going out to eat lunch with some friends from church today. I told them about my upcoming trip and part of telling them about them had to do with me admitting to one that I have an eating disorder, bulimia. my other friend already knows, and she said that dreadful comment "if only I had an eating disorder maybe I could lose weight" and I didn't know what to say, I just shook my head a little and tried to explain how terrible they are. Some lunch conversation! This is why we need to get the public more educated about eating disorders! People just don't understand enough!
I had trouble filling out this form for Rachel, a health history form. I haven't weighed myself in a long time and so I just copied my weight from last year. I don't even want to think about what I weigh right now, and I am scared to death of getting weighed when I have an annual nurse visit next week. I know I might have to, and I just don't want to, but at the same time I wish I was just over this already and strong enough to not even think about it!!! Why do I care about my weight still? I am not weighing myself, but I think about it. I guess it's because it's been instilled in me for so long, this may take time.
One thing I can tell myself is that because I have never been completely "cured" yet of my ED that I can't say that it's impossible. It's possible, I just haven't gotten there myself, yet. I am just going to have to read about and listen to some inspiring and recovered people that I am blessed to know at least somewhat. R, K and J.
I am SO EXCITED about going to DC!

recovery

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I have been wanting to recover a lot more lately! I had a bad binge the other night but didn't purge. I kept thinking how badly I was screwing up as I ate, and then knew that no matter what I couldn't take it a step farther and purge. I asked once how I was supposed to deal with the food, and the fullness, and the disgust I felt if I would eat and try to hold it down. I was told to sit with it, and to be uncomfortable, and to keep moving forward anyway. I could not help but wonder what I was getting from just sitting there full and hating myself, but now that it's over I feel like I am changing by doing that. I am letting myself think of the bulimia as the enemy, the bad feelings and negative thoughts and actions, and not the opposite ways that I feel when I engage in bulimia instead.
I fell and hit some ice hard a couple of times the other night and have been feeling pretty sore and was even a little weak about moving around the first day or so. I compared those feelings to how I feel when I am really sick with bulimia, and the only difference is when I am that bad off being sick with ED, I feel those ways but longer, usually, and yet I tell myself that is what I deserve and that it's better for me. I see some of the bad parts to being bulimic.
I have been reading my diary I kept from when I was 15 years old and there are so many entries about bulimia, and bulimic episodes I have had. The times that someone "caught me" what they said, how they reacted, how much I have denied and lied about.
I am now an advocate for ED's. I am still trying to recover, and yet I am going to use my name, face, words, whatever I can to try and help get the word out about ED's and to do what I can to help with treatment and prevention things. Right now I am going to lobby for a bill that is very important for people struggling. I am having trouble getting the flight and hotel part figured out right now, but I am registered and ready to be at this event coming up.

Freed act

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I am so excited! I was looking at a website through facebook, the eating disorders coalition page and realized that in April they are having a lobby day to work on getting this bill passed that will help with research, prevention and treatment for eating disorders. I have heard about this a lot over the last couple of years, and I even wrote my congressman a letter once sharing a past struggle I had personally that would have been easier with this bill being passed.
I have a good chance of being able to go and lobby for this bill in April. I want to try and make a difference for me and other people that have struggled with this. I am not sure what all it will take yet, other then a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration fees but I am so determined to get my butt up to Capitol Hill and do whatever I can to help make this work! I think that the more people we have, the better the outcome will be!
If anyone is interested look up the page for the eating disorder coalition, read up on the Freed Act, and what lobbying is all about. Maybe if you can't make it on that day you can still help in other ways, such as writing to your representatives, praying that it'll pass, passing on this information to others that might be interested. Good luck!

I am sleepy but content

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I had a long day but I really am feeling better about things! I am trying still to recover, and to get other problems under control, too, like waiting for my van to be fixed and getting me and the girls to sleep at decent times and waking up at the right times, too. I'm getting ready to pass out soon after being awake from 7:30 till now, 11. This is very early for me! I went to my support group and felt a little weird, maybe just from walking in the wrong way and being a couple of minutes late. I don't know. I like it, though. Wish the one friend I made is doing well and will get back there!
Last night I had my girls stay the night at grammy and papaws and I spent the night at my friends house to get up early and go to the eye doctor. I slept well, was comfortable and even had dreams that were funny though I can't recall much of them now. I got to see my therapist after my husband finally showed up thabnks to a cancellation the other day, and she was so nce about it, and I had a parenting class today that I like and I got to use a technique i learned today already, and tomorrow I take my daughter to her counselor and go to church and I am going to try and call this other doctor and see about what he diagniosed her with based off of some testing, so far it may eb a mild form of autism. She's intelligent, highly so, but has trouble expressing herself is what he had said already.
I can't wait to fall asleep and hopefully wake up at a decebnt time! I have so much i need to do, but I am so tired,...

r rated stuff I HAVE to write

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On my way home from the airport after an attempt to go to a treatment center for my ed I confided in my dad about how my uncle on my mothers side treats me. I told him about some of the sick twisted things he has done and said and my dad told me that he hoped I didn't tell other people similar things about him.
I always hear about forgiveness, and I understand that my dad isn't much of a kid person, especially with girls, and I know he's older, and he just probably doesn't know how to handle things like that or whatever, but he dismissed it!!!! He treated me like a liar! All I wanted was some love, support, whatever and he treated me like I told him something that huge just like it was a story I was reading and one that was fiction.
It is true. You all are strangers. You don't know me. I have no reason to be telling any of you about this, I'm not just trying to entertain people or get attention.
Last night I went to their house, my mom lives with him. She was there, just a few feet away in her bedroom while my sick uncle told me this story about how a year or two ago before I started telling everyone about things he did and said that he was at my house visiting and I was having so much anxiety that there was nothing this (hero) could do to help me except to slip some xanax's in my drink. The weird thing about this is that I KNOW for 100% fact that there is no way he ever actually did that! I even told him so. I said, I have NEVER taken xanax. He said not intentionally. He said he slipped them in my drink. I know that it's a lie because I would never have been comfortable enough to lay down near him, or even fall asleep, rest, anything. He would've raped me for sure. I felt uncomfortable around him for the longest time.

really trying to look more on the bright side

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I had a really bad day yesterday and a bad night. I am waiting to go to sleep. I had shut down a little due to how difficult things were to handle yesterday, nothing with my eating disorder, but just the every day aggravations. I have a cold or something, I have my monthly gift, and I have three of us that can't sleep at the right times, me and my girls. Oh, and the guilt that comes with knowing it's really my fault for not being able to have routine and structure in my life.
I know what I have trouble with, I just don't know how to fix it, and that frustrates me. I missed therapy. I haven't been hanging out with friends, and would be friends. I have a date I'm supposed to go on tomorrow and I can't stand the guy on the phone so I am not going to date him, and I haven't "broken up" with him, either, I just have pushed him out of the way for now, I have been really overwhelmed. I missed therapy, have been missing church, missed an na meeting, and I have just been feeling like I have barely been getting by. I am sick of this. It feels endless, and I feel alone and weak.
I love the positive list on here, because it is so hard for me to be positive sometimes. It helps when I sit here and really try to think of every single thing that was good, no matter how small it was, and just ignore the negative stuff at least just for that entry. This is what I would have put on there for yesterday:

feeling motivated

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A group counselor once suggested to me that maybe I had the munchies when I had checked in by talking about a binge I had one night. That got me thinking about how much having the munchies is just like binging, though with bulimia, it happens whether I smoke or not.
This past week I have had a goal of not binging at night for just this week. Just a couple of nights ago I really started getting more motivated to recover again. The funny thing about what started it is that I acted on an urge and after not seeing the results that would have made it worth it, I just started getting MAD and decided that maybe it really isn't worth it any longer!!! I spend so much time, energy and money on having bulimia, and haven't given recovery from it a good and long enough try yet.
After I made that mistake I noticed I had a very hard day with feeling extra irritable and I could not stand how that felt. So much trouble for nothing, and then I wasted a day where I could have been only having a good time with my kids. I am trying, and I am trying to not let it get to me, either.

about yesterday

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Yesterday I had woken up earlier then usual and even did some yoga on my wii fit plus before waking my girls up. I wasn't going to let myself see my weight, but the balance board on that is like a scale so I did end up looking even though I could have skipped it. When you first get on it and do a body test it shows you how balanced you are, and it gives you your bmi and you have to choose if you want to see your weight, and out of habit I looked and it wasn't too different from before I started this experiment but it also really didn't bother me. I don't know. Sometimes the actual number makes me feel obsessed and sometimes it has nothing to do with anything.
I am glad it didn't bother me too much, and will just keep trying to not let it bother me.
I ate breakfast and lunch, and did take my daughter to therapy, and was happy to be able to say how well we were doing at home for now.
After we left therapy and went to our friend's house to pick my older daughter up, we ended up staying there for hours and played with their kids, and visited with my friends, and we built snow forts and had a nice big snowball fight that was so much fun! I never made a snow fort before then, and I gotta say, our side had a nice tall one! We even helped our enemies make one, too to try and hurry it up before we all had to go inside since it was getting pretty cold.
When my friend Shantel came to the door to call me and the kids in I told them all to grab some snowballs and fire which caused her to run back inside real quick :)

Day 5

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Today I had woken up late. I went to sleep earlier then usual for me, but decided that I wanted a good 8 hours so I set my alarms planning on sleeping in in order to get enough sleep. I felt good once I woke up, and the day started off with no plans and all fun. The girls and I ate breakfast together and then the phone started ringing. I felt bad for interrupting our game of trouble but I was happy to talk to the family members and friend that called. I don't get too many calls because people that know me know I get to where I am overwhelmed and can't always talk or get back to people, but it's nice to just talk sometimes when my life is not so crazy.
I ended up messing up badly last night. I don't want to admit it, but I think it's important that I do. I did not only binge but I blogged on here about how hard I was working, and then I ended up purging, then bingeing then purging again. The first time I did it was the first time in about 4 days or so. I felt extra dizzy and light after I did it, but I also felt horrible that I did it. I don't know if that's why I ended up bingeing again or not but I couldn't hold that one down, either after the first mistake, but I still promised that I would try to do better today.
I did do better in a sense. I ate my three meals and enjoyed them. I then later got frustrated and started another binge and on stuff I don't care for, and I felt too icky and purged again. I feel like a failure, but I still have time to keep trying!
My goals for tomorrow are to eat 3 meals and no bingeing and no purging. I will keep trying. I know I messed up, but if recovering was as easy as just snapping my fingers and doing it then I would not still have an eating disorder.

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