Today I started off with a bad start, and just got back into old habits of running around doing things other then recovering and I relapsed, accidentally. I did not mean to not really try to eat, it just kind of happened, and I know that it's not good.
First I slept in and it was too late for breakfast. Next I had a hard time getting lunch together for the girls with not having a lot of the odds and ends for things to make them a proper lunch and so by the time I went and bought stuff I was rushing around trying to go to this walk in place before they closed and it just kind of slipped my mind. I thought about it right around the time I started missing dinner, too, and it was just kind of too late for anything by then, though I made sure to eat a meal late from mcdonalds.
I do not like how I am feeling right now, but I'm holding it down. I feel bloated and greasy and yucky, but I am holding it all down. This is what I have to do! I don't have to like it, but I know when I am recovered all the way that it'll be easier and feel better! I hope, anyway!
I have gone grocery shopping, so things will be easier tomorrow. I picked up my meds, and I am getting ready to go to sleep here soon. These days are going fast, and I hope to be better at this by the end of my two weeks so maybe I can extend it longer!
It is after midnight so it is now day 4. The time is going very fast right now, and I have noticed that since I was able to decide to really try recovering just for this two weeks that I have been eating unhealthy foods when I eat, and though I haven't purged yet, I have been bingeing a lot. That is better then the cycle I was in before, and so I do notice a lot of progress already. I do want to stop bingeing, though, because I feel like I am just taking a break from the restricting and purging and just stuffing my face with whatever normally isn't allowed, like I am using this recovering experiment for an excuse to eat food I just don't let myself usually.
Still, all in all, I still have at least been breaking some parts of the cycle, and I am still determined to do better next time!
I want to weight myself, but part of this deal is to not pull my scale out at all during this time period, and if I have to get weighed like I will on the 4th of January, I just may not look. I already know that I will at least have to be weighed then, but I also know that that could be a triggering experience in a small way, so I am going to prepare myself for it.
This week I have two meetings I can go to, and a therapy session for my daughter. I am thinking about skipping the meetings, and seeing if I can cancel the therapy session so that I can make this week a rare week where we won't have to actually leave the house for any reason just so that I can concentrate on my recovery and relax with my girls after a long Holiday season. I am looking forward to this, yet I am a little worried that I will get bored. I am so used to running around a lot and staying busy that I have a hard time relaxing. Luckily the girls and I have been good this year, or at least good enough, because Santa brought us many games and activities to do together!
Today was Christmas Eve. It was also the day I chose to start this 2 week commitment on trying my hardest with recovering. Just two weeks right now.
I was given a really pretty necklace as a gift and was told it meant "journey" and I thought that sounded pretty fitting for what I am going through right now though they don't know or understand.
I think because it's new and I am motivated that is why this experiment is so exciting to me right now. I am focused and willing and working on it! I am dedicating these next two weeks to it.
Today I ate breakfast with my girls. I ate lunch at a drive through with my girls and by then felt really hungry and I actually really enjoyed it so much. For dinner I got upset by a family member and could not make myself eat at first but I finally sat down and ate everything on my plate, and then I had dessert, and I felt good and did not purge.
Today was easy so far. Now that it is night time and I am home, I want to binge on these snacks really badly. I can't, though. I have to finish up Santa things and then go to sleep myself, because I know from experience that little kids tend to naturally wake up hours earlier then usual just because it's Christmas day finally, and I have two little beautiful girls laying down now while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. I need to stay on the stronger path, and keep going for as long as possible!!! Even Santa needs to get some rest!!
Over the years i have been in and out of hospitals and places for different psychiatric reasons mainly. I tended to stay for about a week or two each time. I thrived each time. I had food, sleep, meds, and attention. I was in a place where things weren't so difficult for me, and I would go back home feeling renewed and refreshed. I want that to happen to me here at home while I am working on this two week plan.
Today is my first day! So far, so good. I have woken up after sleeping at a decent time, I have taken my first set of pills for mood stabilizing and iron, and I ate breakfast and am NOT going to purge.
I have felt a little bit of stress when talking to my twin sister. We had a little family get together planned for tonight and as usual, she called and wanted everyone to change their plans around at the last second on her account. My dad is someone who get's stressed out and aggravated very easily. If my sister calls him and tries to change even one detail around there is a good chance that he will be in a bad mood and all the people that do make it on time will be upset and not having much fun.
My husband that I am separated from just told me after a month or two of knowing our plans with him and his parents for Christmas Eve morning that he wouldn't even be home from work till after 4. Half of me wants to say screw it, we have to go and open presents and stuff without him in order for our other commitments to happen, but then at the same time I want to help make it possible for him to see the kids and do gifts with them, as well. He knew what our plans were, though, and he knew what time way ahead of time to where he could have made sure to be able to participate, and he chose not to, but we have three places to go tonight and if we have to wait on him it will shorten all of our plans for the rest of the night, we'll miss dinner, we won't see half of the people going to my dads and that is not right.
I have not been recovering that well lately. My heart hasn't been in it, and something keeps dragging me back into my eating disorder cycle. I want to act on it, but at the same time I still have a little bit of fight left in me. I know I can just keep going on the way I have been, and I also know I can work even harder at recovering.
The second last therapy session I had was during a very low time for me. Then yesterday I went in and was telling her how I thought I was doing better, but I know that isn't exactly the truth. I am doing better then I was, but I could be recovering again and really be doing better.
I am frustrated but yet too attached to my eating disorder. I have decided that starting tomorrow, I am going to give it two weeks. I am going to try to give recovering a chance for two weeks. After that I can always go back if I can't get farther, but I believe that once I start getting more momentum in this I will get better naturally. It has been way too long, and I miss feeling a little more normal. I want to see family and friends, go out to eat with my new friend and neighbor one day, and go to the movies with this guy that just asked me out without acting on my ED, and not let my kids keep seeing me binge and one day possibly figuring out what I do in the bathroom.
I am getting back on track! I saw my therapist, told her what was going on and she helped me come up with a plan to help me start getting back on track. I agreed to eat something last Monday even while really having trouble with eating anything and keeping it down and I promised myself that I would try with the plan for the next day, too, dinner at my sisters. I had to try and keep myself there where I ate, didn't binge and didn't purge. She caught on to me saying that if I stayed and visited then ate dinner and left I would be able to purge so she realized that I was already planning on purging ahead of time.
I really didn't want to eat that day. I accidentally ate a regular size meal instead of just a snack and then accidentally held it down, because I was miserable and had the urge but I laid down in bed writing pages and pages in my journal and fell asleep because I was so tired from not sleeping the night before. I got through it, though!
The next day I did stay after eating at my sisters and I was ok. I told myself on the way there that one meal wouldn't hurt me at all, even if I wasn't really trying to help myself as much as I could have been I still made it that night!
I haven't been doing too well lately. I have missed a lot of church, meetings and therapy sessions. I depend on those to help me get through the days because I struggle with living my life sometimes. I made this little chart up based off of these stupid lists I obsessively make to either x or check off everyday, and this is how it's been with my issues for the last 11 days I have written down:
bingeing: 9/11 days purging: 8/11 restricting: 9/11 using (pot): 10/11 eating breakfast: 2/11
eating lunch: 3/11 eating dinner: 8/11
The weather isn't that great today and I am supposed to see my therapist in the morning but I am frustrated because they may not be open and I feel like I really need to talk to her. At the same time I know that at this point I am feeling very weak with my ed and don't think I want to try to start working on recovery again at this point, or cannot, maybe. So if I do see her and tell her, what's the point? Am I just trying to get attention? Could she possibly say or do something that could help me right now? How can I make myself help myself right now?
I think I am just going to have to tell her, and tell her how I feel about telling her, too. If I don't go because it gets canceled again, then I promise that I will leave her a message telling her what I can, because I don't have anyone else other then whoever might read this and understand.
Here's a little thing I wrote just now, not the greatest poem but it is from my heart.
I feel so damaged
and I need repaired
but who can fix me?
What can fix me?
How do I get there?
I pray, I write
I talk to a friend
but what about
when I'm alone?
what do I do then?
I stop and I breathe.
I never give up
I will never lose
this side of me
This coming Monday my mom has a holiday party at work and wants me to come. We are not close at all but these parties are important to me. One of the first times I really reached out to her was when she just kind of mentioned that she had a party there one night but probably wouldn't go because she didn't have anyone to go with. I surprised myself, and her I think by offering to be her date, and we had fun. I have been to two or three now, each and every year. I want to go this year, too, but I have been struggling a lot with my ed and I have a support meeting at the same time, though not too far away.
Going to the party would be important for both of us, but also putting my recovery first and going to my meeting is important to me, too. I am going to try and do both, or I will pick the party. There are always going to be meetings, but there is only this party once a year.
My head hurts now and has been keeping me awake. It is 6 a.m. and church starts at 10, and I need and want to go, but am tired and hurting right now, emotionally and physically. I think I have been a little more depressed lately, and a LOT out of sorts. I have been in a cycle lately with my ED and don't think I want to get out of it yet, but I think that if I can get other things going on in my life in some more balance then I would maybe be able to focus less on it.
I lost out on a friendship not too long ago. It was one of those we knew each other before, ran into each other again, and didn't seem to want to let each other out of sight ever again. We would talk for a long time on the phone, just for me to hang up and go to her house to visit. I loved her, and felt loved and cared about back. Then I wrote her and told her that I couldn't go and move in with her like we were thinking about. She wrote back a not so nice message and we haven't talked since. I don't know what else I could say, and I couldn't change my mind at all.
I am not doing too well. I think it just hit me. In therapy we touched up on how to deal with Thanksgiving this week. I had a support group meeting and we talked about it a lot in there, too, and after the meeting my mood changed. I have been depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed ever since. I have been having trouble making decisions and sticking to them, I have had knots in my stomach, lot's of headaches, and negative feelings.
After buying what I needed to go along with the big meal I was going to make for a dinner here on Friday I changed my mind, took things back to the store and took another hour trying to pick stuff out that was different and less stressful. I really just want it to be special, and then over with soon!!!!!!! At least I got some healthier choices of things for me to eat and drink, and I have a little bit of a plan going on in my head on how to get through it.
I feel so much better now. I screwed up last night with binging and had a bad urge to take laxes tonight but I resisted! Tomorrow morning I need to take my girls to rehearse for a play at church and I wouldn't make it if I took the laxes. I can't do it tomorrow, either, because I have church the next morning. On Monday I have therapy and my daughter sees the psychiatrist, so I can't take any Sunday. After that, I am not sure yet, but I am so happy to report that the good stuff in my life is outweighing the ED!!! No pun intended! My life is saving me from my ED right now!
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