Over the years i have been in and out of hospitals and places for different psychiatric reasons mainly. I tended to stay for about a week or two each time. I thrived each time. I had food, sleep, meds, and attention. I was in a place where things weren't so difficult for me, and I would go back home feeling renewed and refreshed. I want that to happen to me here at home while I am working on this two week plan.
Today is my first day! So far, so good. I have woken up after sleeping at a decent time, I have taken my first set of pills for mood stabilizing and iron, and I ate breakfast and am NOT going to purge.
I have felt a little bit of stress when talking to my twin sister. We had a little family get together planned for tonight and as usual, she called and wanted everyone to change their plans around at the last second on her account. My dad is someone who get's stressed out and aggravated very easily. If my sister calls him and tries to change even one detail around there is a good chance that he will be in a bad mood and all the people that do make it on time will be upset and not having much fun.
My husband that I am separated from just told me after a month or two of knowing our plans with him and his parents for Christmas Eve morning that he wouldn't even be home from work till after 4. Half of me wants to say screw it, we have to go and open presents and stuff without him in order for our other commitments to happen, but then at the same time I want to help make it possible for him to see the kids and do gifts with them, as well. He knew what our plans were, though, and he knew what time way ahead of time to where he could have made sure to be able to participate, and he chose not to, but we have three places to go tonight and if we have to wait on him it will shorten all of our plans for the rest of the night, we'll miss dinner, we won't see half of the people going to my dads and that is not right.
I have not been recovering that well lately. My heart hasn't been in it, and something keeps dragging me back into my eating disorder cycle. I want to act on it, but at the same time I still have a little bit of fight left in me. I know I can just keep going on the way I have been, and I also know I can work even harder at recovering.
The second last therapy session I had was during a very low time for me. Then yesterday I went in and was telling her how I thought I was doing better, but I know that isn't exactly the truth. I am doing better then I was, but I could be recovering again and really be doing better.
I am frustrated but yet too attached to my eating disorder. I have decided that starting tomorrow, I am going to give it two weeks. I am going to try to give recovering a chance for two weeks. After that I can always go back if I can't get farther, but I believe that once I start getting more momentum in this I will get better naturally. It has been way too long, and I miss feeling a little more normal. I want to see family and friends, go out to eat with my new friend and neighbor one day, and go to the movies with this guy that just asked me out without acting on my ED, and not let my kids keep seeing me binge and one day possibly figuring out what I do in the bathroom.
I am getting back on track! I saw my therapist, told her what was going on and she helped me come up with a plan to help me start getting back on track. I agreed to eat something last Monday even while really having trouble with eating anything and keeping it down and I promised myself that I would try with the plan for the next day, too, dinner at my sisters. I had to try and keep myself there where I ate, didn't binge and didn't purge. She caught on to me saying that if I stayed and visited then ate dinner and left I would be able to purge so she realized that I was already planning on purging ahead of time.
I really didn't want to eat that day. I accidentally ate a regular size meal instead of just a snack and then accidentally held it down, because I was miserable and had the urge but I laid down in bed writing pages and pages in my journal and fell asleep because I was so tired from not sleeping the night before. I got through it, though!
The next day I did stay after eating at my sisters and I was ok. I told myself on the way there that one meal wouldn't hurt me at all, even if I wasn't really trying to help myself as much as I could have been I still made it that night!
I haven't been doing too well lately. I have missed a lot of church, meetings and therapy sessions. I depend on those to help me get through the days because I struggle with living my life sometimes. I made this little chart up based off of these stupid lists I obsessively make to either x or check off everyday, and this is how it's been with my issues for the last 11 days I have written down:
bingeing: 9/11 days purging: 8/11 restricting: 9/11 using (pot): 10/11 eating breakfast: 2/11
eating lunch: 3/11 eating dinner: 8/11
The weather isn't that great today and I am supposed to see my therapist in the morning but I am frustrated because they may not be open and I feel like I really need to talk to her. At the same time I know that at this point I am feeling very weak with my ed and don't think I want to try to start working on recovery again at this point, or cannot, maybe. So if I do see her and tell her, what's the point? Am I just trying to get attention? Could she possibly say or do something that could help me right now? How can I make myself help myself right now?
I think I am just going to have to tell her, and tell her how I feel about telling her, too. If I don't go because it gets canceled again, then I promise that I will leave her a message telling her what I can, because I don't have anyone else other then whoever might read this and understand.
Here's a little thing I wrote just now, not the greatest poem but it is from my heart.
I feel so damaged
and I need repaired
but who can fix me?
What can fix me?
How do I get there?
I pray, I write
I talk to a friend
but what about
when I'm alone?
what do I do then?
I stop and I breathe.
I never give up
I will never lose
this side of me
This coming Monday my mom has a holiday party at work and wants me to come. We are not close at all but these parties are important to me. One of the first times I really reached out to her was when she just kind of mentioned that she had a party there one night but probably wouldn't go because she didn't have anyone to go with. I surprised myself, and her I think by offering to be her date, and we had fun. I have been to two or three now, each and every year. I want to go this year, too, but I have been struggling a lot with my ed and I have a support meeting at the same time, though not too far away.
Going to the party would be important for both of us, but also putting my recovery first and going to my meeting is important to me, too. I am going to try and do both, or I will pick the party. There are always going to be meetings, but there is only this party once a year.
My head hurts now and has been keeping me awake. It is 6 a.m. and church starts at 10, and I need and want to go, but am tired and hurting right now, emotionally and physically. I think I have been a little more depressed lately, and a LOT out of sorts. I have been in a cycle lately with my ED and don't think I want to get out of it yet, but I think that if I can get other things going on in my life in some more balance then I would maybe be able to focus less on it.
I lost out on a friendship not too long ago. It was one of those we knew each other before, ran into each other again, and didn't seem to want to let each other out of sight ever again. We would talk for a long time on the phone, just for me to hang up and go to her house to visit. I loved her, and felt loved and cared about back. Then I wrote her and told her that I couldn't go and move in with her like we were thinking about. She wrote back a not so nice message and we haven't talked since. I don't know what else I could say, and I couldn't change my mind at all.
I am not doing too well. I think it just hit me. In therapy we touched up on how to deal with Thanksgiving this week. I had a support group meeting and we talked about it a lot in there, too, and after the meeting my mood changed. I have been depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed ever since. I have been having trouble making decisions and sticking to them, I have had knots in my stomach, lot's of headaches, and negative feelings.
After buying what I needed to go along with the big meal I was going to make for a dinner here on Friday I changed my mind, took things back to the store and took another hour trying to pick stuff out that was different and less stressful. I really just want it to be special, and then over with soon!!!!!!! At least I got some healthier choices of things for me to eat and drink, and I have a little bit of a plan going on in my head on how to get through it.
I feel so much better now. I screwed up last night with binging and had a bad urge to take laxes tonight but I resisted! Tomorrow morning I need to take my girls to rehearse for a play at church and I wouldn't make it if I took the laxes. I can't do it tomorrow, either, because I have church the next morning. On Monday I have therapy and my daughter sees the psychiatrist, so I can't take any Sunday. After that, I am not sure yet, but I am so happy to report that the good stuff in my life is outweighing the ED!!! No pun intended! My life is saving me from my ED right now!
I want to recover but then yesterday I didn't eat breakfast or lunch and we went to a friend's house to eat dinner. We ended up taking stuff home with us, about 6 doughnuts, a bag of mac and cheese and I ended up eating all of it before I went to sleep.
I have been having trouble with getting my kids to sleep. Last night I got them in bed at a reasonable time, around 9, and I took my meds and I laid down on the couch to go to sleep. After falling asleep from my medicine I was even dreaming by the time my girls woke me up. I spanked them, and that's when I finished off the doughnuts. I was so upset, and today was worse because they were looking forward to eating their doughnuts and T saw that the bag was empty and she looked at me and said "you ate them all".
I am so upset and all I want to do is take laxes, but I am worried that if I do I will have trouble tomorrow morning getting them to their rehearsals for a church program. I keep thinking that if I take them now, that I might be ok by then, or if anything I can drop them off and pick them up after. The recovering side of me says use this as an excuse to not hurt myself, and the ED part says do it now, and don't worry about what happens as a result in a negative way. Think of how much better you'll feel! I am going to keep delaying it for now and try to keep going,..
I have been binging a lot more lately, but purging and weighing myself less. I sat at our table in this group I'm not a part of anymore and politely listened to other group members and counselors joke about how the parents should get to pick out the good candy first, and I thought that sounded good for all the non-bulimic parents out there.
I went trick or treating with my girls twice and we went to a church Halloween event. We had a lot of candy. Last year I had to throw away their candy in order to prevent binging, and this year I tried to just not let myself go near it, so every time I did I felt even guiltier, and I finally gave the rest of it away. I got to where I was thinking of it like it was poison. My girls were seeing me eat three candy bars to their 1 and only, and I felt guilty. I finally saw my therapist again and she made it feel like it was ok and right to get rid of the candy, because my recovery is more important then cheating the girls out of more candy then what they should have, anyways, and I finally did it, but not until I had one last candy binge first.
Haven't been on for a while but I am back to recovering again!
Last Monday during my support group meeting I brought up a difficult subject and it helped lead me to talking more with another member and she is now what I would call my friend, though I have only talked to her on the phone once. I plan on visiting her and having her visit me as soon as possible but I have a very busy lifestyle and she doesn't, and I am also a little anxious about what to expect, because I have never had a friend that had anorexia, and I guess what worries me the most is triggering her, or even maybe her triggering me, or just us feeling uncomfortable in certain situations. I referred her to my therapist, and now that I know she has openings it seems likely that she will get to have her specifically, because she's the only therapist there that has experience with and some knowledge about eating disorders from what I understand.
This friend, let's call her Jackie, said something to me that almost made me think she wouldn't want my therapist but I bit my tongue because I understood where she was coming from and I know that everyone reacts to different kinds of treatments, especially for different types of eating disorders. Jackie told me that she wanted someone who could like tell her what to do and make her do it. I laughed a little inside because I have said that to my therapist, Rachel, and she tells me that I know what I need to do and I just need to work on doing it, and she purposefully gives me the responsibility for my recovery. For all I know she may need to do something differently with Jackie, and I know that she won't know if something will work if I dis encourage her to even give it a shot!
My newest best friend is Penny. I love her to death, she loves me back. She wants me and the kids to move in with her, and I want to, as well, but I have so many things I have to make sure of first, and make sure that I can before I just pack up and leave.
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