marysteele313's blog

debate with ED

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I want to recover but then yesterday I didn't eat breakfast or lunch and we went to a friend's house to eat dinner. We ended up taking stuff home with us, about 6 doughnuts, a bag of mac and cheese and I ended up eating all of it before I went to sleep.
I have been having trouble with getting my kids to sleep. Last night I got them in bed at a reasonable time, around 9, and I took my meds and I laid down on the couch to go to sleep. After falling asleep from my medicine I was even dreaming by the time my girls woke me up. I spanked them, and that's when I finished off the doughnuts. I was so upset, and today was worse because they were looking forward to eating their doughnuts and T saw that the bag was empty and she looked at me and said "you ate them all".
I am so upset and all I want to do is take laxes, but I am worried that if I do I will have trouble tomorrow morning getting them to their rehearsals for a church program. I keep thinking that if I take them now, that I might be ok by then, or if anything I can drop them off and pick them up after. The recovering side of me says use this as an excuse to not hurt myself, and the ED part says do it now, and don't worry about what happens as a result in a negative way. Think of how much better you'll feel! I am going to keep delaying it for now and try to keep going,..

where I am at after halloween

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I have been binging a lot more lately, but purging and weighing myself less. I sat at our table in this group I'm not a part of anymore and politely listened to other group members and counselors joke about how the parents should get to pick out the good candy first, and I thought that sounded good for all the non-bulimic parents out there.
I went trick or treating with my girls twice and we went to a church Halloween event. We had a lot of candy. Last year I had to throw away their candy in order to prevent binging, and this year I tried to just not let myself go near it, so every time I did I felt even guiltier, and I finally gave the rest of it away. I got to where I was thinking of it like it was poison. My girls were seeing me eat three candy bars to their 1 and only, and I felt guilty. I finally saw my therapist again and she made it feel like it was ok and right to get rid of the candy, because my recovery is more important then cheating the girls out of more candy then what they should have, anyways, and I finally did it, but not until I had one last candy binge first.

the what- if's

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Haven't been on for a while but I am back to recovering again!
Last Monday during my support group meeting I brought up a difficult subject and it helped lead me to talking more with another member and she is now what I would call my friend, though I have only talked to her on the phone once. I plan on visiting her and having her visit me as soon as possible but I have a very busy lifestyle and she doesn't, and I am also a little anxious about what to expect, because I have never had a friend that had anorexia, and I guess what worries me the most is triggering her, or even maybe her triggering me, or just us feeling uncomfortable in certain situations. I referred her to my therapist, and now that I know she has openings it seems likely that she will get to have her specifically, because she's the only therapist there that has experience with and some knowledge about eating disorders from what I understand.
This friend, let's call her Jackie, said something to me that almost made me think she wouldn't want my therapist but I bit my tongue because I understood where she was coming from and I know that everyone reacts to different kinds of treatments, especially for different types of eating disorders. Jackie told me that she wanted someone who could like tell her what to do and make her do it. I laughed a little inside because I have said that to my therapist, Rachel, and she tells me that I know what I need to do and I just need to work on doing it, and she purposefully gives me the responsibility for my recovery. For all I know she may need to do something differently with Jackie, and I know that she won't know if something will work if I dis encourage her to even give it a shot!
My newest best friend is Penny. I love her to death, she loves me back. She wants me and the kids to move in with her, and I want to, as well, but I have so many things I have to make sure of first, and make sure that I can before I just pack up and leave.

getting back on track with recovering!

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I am starting to get back on track!
One of my motivations for eating is to be able to donate plasma but for the last three visits my blood pressure has been too high and they have had to send me home! It sucks, but today I made sure to eat breakfast and lunch so far because I am tired of not eating! All it does is make me binge and purge!
On another note I am finally clean from weed again! I had 15 days straight being clean, then smoked once and now I am on day 10. I am tired of smoking, and I have been lucky, for my recovery from bulimia to not have been experiencing a severe loss of appetite which happened to me in the past when I managed to quit smoking for a while.
The night I went and relapsed I was so anxious because I just binged and was upset after being on the phone with a family member that upsets me so easily. I just did not care. Now I do because I would have had like 25 days clean now! At that moment though I felt like I am either going to purge, or smoke, and smoking was on my mind a lot that day. Sometimes it makes me feel less full after I eat, I liked that feeling more then whenever I lost control and had the munchies from it!
I just ate a nice manageable lunch and feel ok about it. Tonight I am going to make sure I feed us before I drop my kids off at our friend's house for a meeting and then if we go to this restaurant after wards like we usually do then I am only going to have a pop or tea or something, especially since all the people I take to these meetings with me rush me, encourage me to buy food that I am the only one that doesn't really have the money for, and then by the time I have a few minutes worth of a conversation with someone my friends have my food boxed up and are rushing me out the door to get them home. Not fun, and not what I need considering I am nice enough to go and pick all these people up to get them to a meeting. Tonight I am going to lay down some rules or they will just have to walk! :)

better today then yesterday!

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I had a TON of anxiety yesterday, dealing with a condescending counselor, a 40 something year old other group member that throws tantrums, and an obsessive controlling family member I had hours and hours of needing to calm down when it was all over. Once I vented to people through text and on the phone, paced a lot, and got my anti anxiety meds and got tired from just being worn out after feeling like I was going to have a heart attack I finally went to my ed support group meeting, got home ok and went to sleep!
Today I made it to a research study, met my daughter's new counselor and had my own therapy session and all is better with the world for now. I even got caught speeding today and just didn't let it get to me, I took my ticket and just left, slower that time!
Tomorrow my youngest baby turns 4!!! The other night my ed had me so bad that tomorrow was when I was planning on eating next, but it's been weaker here lately because although I have been only binging and sometimes purging, I stopped restricting. It all started with taking a bite for the first time after a couple of days of not eating,... and I am wanting to do better now and not feel that way anymore!!!
I gave my therapist something that was very special to me and I was so worried she wouldn't want it, or would try to give it back, or anything, but she said thank you! I think she understands how much I wanted her to have it,... I have this website, my support group and a few books to help me, but the first person that ever tried to help me recover was Rachel, and I thanked her for that by giving her my signed copy of a book we both have read and liked, and it actually is a triggering one for me so it was even better that I gave it to her, she's recovered, and can handle it.
I can't wait for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to get busy getting ready for my next four year old's party now! My other daughter is 4, too, she'll be 5 next month.

does my new friend have an ED?

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sorry it has been a while so I need to start making up for my lack of writing!
Last night during the night I was going to my car to get birthday decorations and presents out to hide from my soon to be 4 year old daughter and a neighbor was standing next to her car, right next to mine.
I did the normal thing and said hi but kept going. She started a conversation up with me that led to us meeting and talking for hours! I went with her to help wash her new car and later invited her in to my apartment. I found out her name, and felt a little bad that we've been neighbors for about 2 years now and I just got around to that!
I have a new friend now, and because I am very open and talkative I ended up telling her about my eating disorder, and she told me about how she felt about herself, and how I seemed to her. One of the things she kept asking me was if I thought she had an eating disorder because of certain things, like how she still can't quit thinking about some ice cream she ate the other night, and how she gets upset when she gains even a little bit of weight. I wasn't sure of how to respond, because yes, there is always a chance she could have one, but yet I don't know. I showed her one of my ed books with a questionnaire in it that asks stuff to help you determine if you might have one, and she really seemed to think it might fit. I sure hope not!!!!
All I can do really is tell her my experiences, what I know about ED's, offer to have her go to my support group meeting with me, and I thought later that if she had insurance maybe she could see a therapist at the counseling office I go to. If she asked specifically for one that has experience with ed's, she would either get the one I have or one that mine has trained, because as far as know, that's really only my therapist's specialty there.

what makes you act on your ED?

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One Tuesday after making a secret promise that I would not mention my struggles with ED to my therapist, I told her about it. I said it was getting out of control again. She encouraged me to talk to the people in my support group about it. The support group she mentioned is one that deals with substance abuse and mental illnesses. So, Thursday, I gave it a try. I said during my check in that I think the reason why I was starting to feel worse and more run down and stuff was because my ed was getting worse, and the counselor there encouraged me to talk to my therapist about it.
I made a doctors appointment to get checked out medically for bulimia and my doctor was getting ready to have a baby, but instead of rescheduling and possibly canceling my appointment I chose to see the other doctor there. I was afraid if I didn't go through with it, whether it would really help me or not that I and the doctors that treat me would not take it seriously and that one day I would really be in some trouble.
The nurse weighed me, I looked away, and then she said that I must be eating ok because I weighed a few more pounds then I did when I was last seen in April. I started feeling bad about even bothering to try and get help or take care of myself. I started feeling extremely anxious and stupid. I worried about the doctor coming in and thinking I was wasting his time.
After convincing the nurse that I wasn't even possibly pregnant, and not being able to explain my eating as well as I wish I could have, it turned out that she had family that had eating disorders and knew someone that passed from one. So she did understand a little, I guess.

very tired lately

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Last Tuesday in counseling I admitted that my eating disorder was getting a lot more out of control. I brought this up during a check in for my one group on Thursday. I said I have not been eating very well and I think that is part of why I haven't had a lot of energy or motivation lately. I don't know when it really started getting out of hand but during my second smoke break I decided that I can't have this anymore, and I went and bought myself a little thing of cereal to eat, and to not purge. I think that after bringing it out in the open it changed my thinking and I knew that if I wanted a change for the better that I had to take matters into my own hands. I did not feel like eating, I did not want to eat, and I did feel bad after I ate, but I ate, and I didn't purge, and that was the start of the latest part of my recovering journey.
Rachel loaned me a book called Hope, help and healing for eating disorders and that has been helping me a lot, it even helped me when I was staying up angry one night, it helped me to calm down by reading it and working on some of the exercises.
I usually get bruising on my legs after not eating well for a while, but I got this one little bruise on my arm and it has stayed purple and not healed for a long time now. It cost me not being able to donate plasma twice last week, because they won't let you if you have bruises that are purple. I decided that I needed to get checked up on, and I miss my old doctor but can't change back to the old insurance plan yet, and so I called the office of the new one and asked for an appointment for a physical, and they asked why, and I thought can't I just have a regular check up for no reason? but I told her that I had an eating disorder and needed to get that checked, and she said something like the vomiting kind? I said yes, bulimia.

I am NOT the energizer bunny

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I am so tired of going, going, going. If I keep this up, I am going to keep going, going, going until I'm gone!
I love all the wonderful things that have been going on that I have been so busy with, birthday parties, wedding and bachlorette party, festivals,... just not the being so busy part. A normal day and week is almost too much for me as it is, but this September is just the start of about 4 months worth of business for me that I need to plan out better so that I don't go extremely CRAZY!
This year I am going to prepare my own Thanksgiving meal for my family, let the in laws and everyone celebrate their own with their side and we are going to have a wonderful time, and from the second they hear they aren't going to have the girls we are just going to have to ignore them because they cause too much stress and stuff for us and it's not good or healthy. I'm sorry but when you are not going to be a parent all year long or you are someone who enables that parent to not be one you don't get to have the kids for special treats.
So anyways, I have to figure out the best plan for me and my kids for their birthdays in September and October, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years. I can't wait for next year, but I want these months to go by easily for a change and I want it to be fun, yet not too tight on money or stressful any more then it already is. I told myself that this year was going to be a good year, and one of the reasons that is so hard to accomplish for me is because I have all of these people telling me I have to do things their way, or I can't do this, or that,.. but I am going to make up my own mind, do the best I can with things, and enjoy every bit of it. Those people can do their own thing, and leave us alone!

fun weekend

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Last night I went to a bachlorette/fun party and had a really good time. I did end up smoking again once but I am still going to get back on track with that. I am glad I won't buy any more and that I don't have anything to use with it and each week as I get tested my number is going to keep going down for how much is in my system until there finally gets to be that one day when even though I am stressed, or at a place where we are just relaxing and having fun, I still won't bother smoking.
I also drank, not sure what I drank or how much exactly but I wasn't even really buzzed from it, just more relaxed and content.
The bride to be is a new friend and she asked me to come by and help her get ready for the wedding today, and that made me feel so honored! I feel so comfortable with her and she's such a good person, always happy and blunt and laid back and joking.
There is this guy I have started talking to and I'm not rushing into anything but he was invited by her to come with me to the wedding, so we'll see how our first (date?) goes. I am a nervous tense stressed person in general and especially when I have a lot going on and am around new people and that seemed to bother him a little, but he's going to have to accept it and not try to force me to relax. The last time I saw him he was holding my hand and kept saying how tense I was well I finally said it might have been because he was holding my hand and that wasn't comfortable with me. I may end up being single for the rest of my life. Who knows, or he may back off enough to really get to know me and if he likes how I am, nervous or not, then maybe we'll eventually have something going on. We'll see, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. He's cute, he's nice, and we have things in common.

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