Bulimia Help

I am starting to get back on track!
One of my motivations for eating is to be able to donate plasma but for the last three visits my blood pressure has been too high and they have had to send me home! It sucks, but today I made sure to eat breakfast and lunch so far because I am tired of not eating! All it does is make me binge and purge!
On another note I am finally clean from weed again! I had 15 days straight being clean, then smoked once and now I am on day 10. I am tired of smoking, and I have been lucky, for my recovery from bulimia to not have been experiencing a severe loss of appetite which happened to me in the past when I managed to quit smoking for a while.
The night I went and relapsed I was so anxious because I just binged and was upset after being on the phone with a family member that upsets me so easily. I just did not care. Now I do because I would have had like 25 days clean now! At that moment though I felt like I am either going to purge, or smoke, and smoking was on my mind a lot that day. Sometimes it makes me feel less full after I eat, I liked that feeling more then whenever I lost control and had the munchies from it!
I just ate a nice manageable lunch and feel ok about it. Tonight I am going to make sure I feed us before I drop my kids off at our friend's house for a meeting and then if we go to this restaurant after wards like we usually do then I am only going to have a pop or tea or something, especially since all the people I take to these meetings with me rush me, encourage me to buy food that I am the only one that doesn't really have the money for, and then by the time I have a few minutes worth of a conversation with someone my friends have my food boxed up and are rushing me out the door to get them home. Not fun, and not what I need considering I am nice enough to go and pick all these people up to get them to a meeting. Tonight I am going to lay down some rules or they will just have to walk! :)

I had a TON of anxiety yesterday, dealing with a condescending counselor, a 40 something year old other group member that throws tantrums, and an obsessive controlling family member I had hours and hours of needing to calm down when it was all over. Once I vented to people through text and on the phone, paced a lot, and got my anti anxiety meds and got tired from just being worn out after feeling like I was going to have a heart attack I finally went to my ed support group meeting, got home ok and went to sleep!
Today I made it to a research study, met my daughter's new counselor and had my own therapy session and all is better with the world for now. I even got caught speeding today and just didn't let it get to me, I took my ticket and just left, slower that time!
Tomorrow my youngest baby turns 4!!! The other night my ed had me so bad that tomorrow was when I was planning on eating next, but it's been weaker here lately because although I have been only binging and sometimes purging, I stopped restricting. It all started with taking a bite for the first time after a couple of days of not eating,... and I am wanting to do better now and not feel that way anymore!!!
I gave my therapist something that was very special to me and I was so worried she wouldn't want it, or would try to give it back, or anything, but she said thank you! I think she understands how much I wanted her to have it,... I have this website, my support group and a few books to help me, but the first person that ever tried to help me recover was Rachel, and I thanked her for that by giving her my signed copy of a book we both have read and liked, and it actually is a triggering one for me so it was even better that I gave it to her, she's recovered, and can handle it.
I can't wait for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to get busy getting ready for my next four year old's party now! My other daughter is 4, too, she'll be 5 next month.

sorry it has been a while so I need to start making up for my lack of writing!
Last night during the night I was going to my car to get birthday decorations and presents out to hide from my soon to be 4 year old daughter and a neighbor was standing next to her car, right next to mine.
I did the normal thing and said hi but kept going. She started a conversation up with me that led to us meeting and talking for hours! I went with her to help wash her new car and later invited her in to my apartment. I found out her name, and felt a little bad that we've been neighbors for about 2 years now and I just got around to that!
I have a new friend now, and because I am very open and talkative I ended up telling her about my eating disorder, and she told me about how she felt about herself, and how I seemed to her. One of the things she kept asking me was if I thought she had an eating disorder because of certain things, like how she still can't quit thinking about some ice cream she ate the other night, and how she gets upset when she gains even a little bit of weight. I wasn't sure of how to respond, because yes, there is always a chance she could have one, but yet I don't know. I showed her one of my ed books with a questionnaire in it that asks stuff to help you determine if you might have one, and she really seemed to think it might fit. I sure hope not!!!!
All I can do really is tell her my experiences, what I know about ED's, offer to have her go to my support group meeting with me, and I thought later that if she had insurance maybe she could see a therapist at the counseling office I go to. If she asked specifically for one that has experience with ed's, she would either get the one I have or one that mine has trained, because as far as know, that's really only my therapist's specialty there.

One Tuesday after making a secret promise that I would not mention my struggles with ED to my therapist, I told her about it. I said it was getting out of control again. She encouraged me to talk to the people in my support group about it. The support group she mentioned is one that deals with substance abuse and mental illnesses. So, Thursday, I gave it a try. I said during my check in that I think the reason why I was starting to feel worse and more run down and stuff was because my ed was getting worse, and the counselor there encouraged me to talk to my therapist about it.
I made a doctors appointment to get checked out medically for bulimia and my doctor was getting ready to have a baby, but instead of rescheduling and possibly canceling my appointment I chose to see the other doctor there. I was afraid if I didn't go through with it, whether it would really help me or not that I and the doctors that treat me would not take it seriously and that one day I would really be in some trouble.
The nurse weighed me, I looked away, and then she said that I must be eating ok because I weighed a few more pounds then I did when I was last seen in April. I started feeling bad about even bothering to try and get help or take care of myself. I started feeling extremely anxious and stupid. I worried about the doctor coming in and thinking I was wasting his time.
After convincing the nurse that I wasn't even possibly pregnant, and not being able to explain my eating as well as I wish I could have, it turned out that she had family that had eating disorders and knew someone that passed from one. So she did understand a little, I guess.

Last Tuesday in counseling I admitted that my eating disorder was getting a lot more out of control. I brought this up during a check in for my one group on Thursday. I said I have not been eating very well and I think that is part of why I haven't had a lot of energy or motivation lately. I don't know when it really started getting out of hand but during my second smoke break I decided that I can't have this anymore, and I went and bought myself a little thing of cereal to eat, and to not purge. I think that after bringing it out in the open it changed my thinking and I knew that if I wanted a change for the better that I had to take matters into my own hands. I did not feel like eating, I did not want to eat, and I did feel bad after I ate, but I ate, and I didn't purge, and that was the start of the latest part of my recovering journey.
Rachel loaned me a book called Hope, help and healing for eating disorders and that has been helping me a lot, it even helped me when I was staying up angry one night, it helped me to calm down by reading it and working on some of the exercises.
I usually get bruising on my legs after not eating well for a while, but I got this one little bruise on my arm and it has stayed purple and not healed for a long time now. It cost me not being able to donate plasma twice last week, because they won't let you if you have bruises that are purple. I decided that I needed to get checked up on, and I miss my old doctor but can't change back to the old insurance plan yet, and so I called the office of the new one and asked for an appointment for a physical, and they asked why, and I thought can't I just have a regular check up for no reason? but I told her that I had an eating disorder and needed to get that checked, and she said something like the vomiting kind? I said yes, bulimia.

I am so tired of going, going, going. If I keep this up, I am going to keep going, going, going until I'm gone!
I love all the wonderful things that have been going on that I have been so busy with, birthday parties, wedding and bachlorette party, festivals,... just not the being so busy part. A normal day and week is almost too much for me as it is, but this September is just the start of about 4 months worth of business for me that I need to plan out better so that I don't go extremely CRAZY!
This year I am going to prepare my own Thanksgiving meal for my family, let the in laws and everyone celebrate their own with their side and we are going to have a wonderful time, and from the second they hear they aren't going to have the girls we are just going to have to ignore them because they cause too much stress and stuff for us and it's not good or healthy. I'm sorry but when you are not going to be a parent all year long or you are someone who enables that parent to not be one you don't get to have the kids for special treats.
So anyways, I have to figure out the best plan for me and my kids for their birthdays in September and October, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years. I can't wait for next year, but I want these months to go by easily for a change and I want it to be fun, yet not too tight on money or stressful any more then it already is. I told myself that this year was going to be a good year, and one of the reasons that is so hard to accomplish for me is because I have all of these people telling me I have to do things their way, or I can't do this, or that,.. but I am going to make up my own mind, do the best I can with things, and enjoy every bit of it. Those people can do their own thing, and leave us alone!

Last night I went to a bachlorette/fun party and had a really good time. I did end up smoking again once but I am still going to get back on track with that. I am glad I won't buy any more and that I don't have anything to use with it and each week as I get tested my number is going to keep going down for how much is in my system until there finally gets to be that one day when even though I am stressed, or at a place where we are just relaxing and having fun, I still won't bother smoking.
I also drank, not sure what I drank or how much exactly but I wasn't even really buzzed from it, just more relaxed and content.
The bride to be is a new friend and she asked me to come by and help her get ready for the wedding today, and that made me feel so honored! I feel so comfortable with her and she's such a good person, always happy and blunt and laid back and joking.
There is this guy I have started talking to and I'm not rushing into anything but he was invited by her to come with me to the wedding, so we'll see how our first (date?) goes. I am a nervous tense stressed person in general and especially when I have a lot going on and am around new people and that seemed to bother him a little, but he's going to have to accept it and not try to force me to relax. The last time I saw him he was holding my hand and kept saying how tense I was well I finally said it might have been because he was holding my hand and that wasn't comfortable with me. I may end up being single for the rest of my life. Who knows, or he may back off enough to really get to know me and if he likes how I am, nervous or not, then maybe we'll eventually have something going on. We'll see, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. He's cute, he's nice, and we have things in common.

This morning after not sleeping I got ready ahead of time. I did end up cutting on myself just a little tiny bit, and it didn't help, and I regret it. I am just glad I didn't do much damage and that it was hidden and I even put antibiotic cream on it right away, and just still felt numb. There was nothing to do but go ahead with my day, so I left for group early, and finally really cried in the car while just sitting there listening to comforting christian music. I still didn't feel 100% better, but, right before group started Rachel my therapist came in and asked to see me outside, and she asked me about rescheduling. I was so relieved to see her, and we discussed new times and then I blurted out what was bothering me, and she did talk to me for a few minutes. I told her I cut, and how numb I was feeling and stuff, and she said maybe I need to let myself feel. For some people that may sound either obvious or crazy, (just feel?!!) but I remembered the times she has pointed out that when I use coping mechanisms like cutting, or binging, purging, even smoking that there is a chance it is all related and that I am trying to block out pain. So I started letting the idea of really feeling my pain soak in. I gave her a lot of hugs, I was leaning on her way too much. A man in my group opened the door and she left, and I walked back in with him and he said something like "they were out there hugging and I guess I thought I could get in on it" and despite my pain I still couldn't help but crack everyone up by saying "you wish".

I feel incredibly sad right now for my mother in law. Her sister passed away last night, it had something to do with a seizure, and even though I never met her I still feel deeply for Terry.
I just did an activity in my group yesterday that had to do with my past and present and though I didn't read it out loud I reminded myself about how I used to be so bad off I attempted suicide several times, and almost succeeded the first time, but that now, today, I am not only alive but have so much to live for.
I made it to church and my pastor actually mentioned a cashier he encountered that was having a heart attack but they thought it was a seizure. This was around the time my husbands' aunt passed.
This was someone that my mother in law grew up with, played with, talked to, shared a bathroom with, etc. Someone that has been living far away but who was such a big part of her life. She just lost another sister a few years ago from cancer, and I just really want to cry but the tears won't come out.
I feel so frustrated right now. I wanted to wake my kids up at 5 a.m. and go grocery shopping and buy some other things but didn't because I know a check hasn't gone through yet. I briefly entertained the idea of cutting myself to relieve some of this pain but then somehow I managed to not bother, in fact, I also chose not to shave my legs, either, because I have two big scrapes on one from a fall when I was camping. My therapist never called me back to tell me if we could reschedule my next appointment, this lady never called me back about details for a committee I signed up for, and it's early, or late right now and I just feel so suffocated like I cannot breathe!

I am hurting really bad inside right now. I was laying down in bed with my girls since I let them sleep with me, and I couldn't fall asleep. I was being plagued by negative thoughts, and all about things that I cannot possibly even try to control right now at night while in bed. This happens to me way too often. Now even though I feel so exhausted, I cannot sleep, and it is too late to take any more meds.
I have been making so many changes and doing so much better with some things. I have really stopped smoking pot, and I am alright, and I have been making most appointments and obligations, and I have been standing my ground a lot more, and I have been cooking more at home, making up weekly meal plans and basing grocery lists off of them and sticking with it for the most part, and I bet there is more but there are still so many more things that I feel I need to change! My life frustrates me so much!
I cannot really make myself feel 100% better right now, I just know that when I go to sleep I won't be hurting so much emotionally and that tomorrow is a new day, and we actually have a very nice and busy day planned for it.
I cannot stop the hurt, but I know that there are some changes I can make in the future that will help me heal with a lot of things, maybe slowly.