marysteele313's blog

Just FEEL

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This morning after not sleeping I got ready ahead of time. I did end up cutting on myself just a little tiny bit, and it didn't help, and I regret it. I am just glad I didn't do much damage and that it was hidden and I even put antibiotic cream on it right away, and just still felt numb. There was nothing to do but go ahead with my day, so I left for group early, and finally really cried in the car while just sitting there listening to comforting christian music. I still didn't feel 100% better, but, right before group started Rachel my therapist came in and asked to see me outside, and she asked me about rescheduling. I was so relieved to see her, and we discussed new times and then I blurted out what was bothering me, and she did talk to me for a few minutes. I told her I cut, and how numb I was feeling and stuff, and she said maybe I need to let myself feel. For some people that may sound either obvious or crazy, (just feel?!!) but I remembered the times she has pointed out that when I use coping mechanisms like cutting, or binging, purging, even smoking that there is a chance it is all related and that I am trying to block out pain. So I started letting the idea of really feeling my pain soak in. I gave her a lot of hugs, I was leaning on her way too much. A man in my group opened the door and she left, and I walked back in with him and he said something like "they were out there hugging and I guess I thought I could get in on it" and despite my pain I still couldn't help but crack everyone up by saying "you wish".

Feeling a lot of pain

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I feel incredibly sad right now for my mother in law. Her sister passed away last night, it had something to do with a seizure, and even though I never met her I still feel deeply for Terry.
I just did an activity in my group yesterday that had to do with my past and present and though I didn't read it out loud I reminded myself about how I used to be so bad off I attempted suicide several times, and almost succeeded the first time, but that now, today, I am not only alive but have so much to live for.
I made it to church and my pastor actually mentioned a cashier he encountered that was having a heart attack but they thought it was a seizure. This was around the time my husbands' aunt passed.
This was someone that my mother in law grew up with, played with, talked to, shared a bathroom with, etc. Someone that has been living far away but who was such a big part of her life. She just lost another sister a few years ago from cancer, and I just really want to cry but the tears won't come out.
I feel so frustrated right now. I wanted to wake my kids up at 5 a.m. and go grocery shopping and buy some other things but didn't because I know a check hasn't gone through yet. I briefly entertained the idea of cutting myself to relieve some of this pain but then somehow I managed to not bother, in fact, I also chose not to shave my legs, either, because I have two big scrapes on one from a fall when I was camping. My therapist never called me back to tell me if we could reschedule my next appointment, this lady never called me back about details for a committee I signed up for, and it's early, or late right now and I just feel so suffocated like I cannot breathe!

having trouble sleeping tonight

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I am hurting really bad inside right now. I was laying down in bed with my girls since I let them sleep with me, and I couldn't fall asleep. I was being plagued by negative thoughts, and all about things that I cannot possibly even try to control right now at night while in bed. This happens to me way too often. Now even though I feel so exhausted, I cannot sleep, and it is too late to take any more meds.
I have been making so many changes and doing so much better with some things. I have really stopped smoking pot, and I am alright, and I have been making most appointments and obligations, and I have been standing my ground a lot more, and I have been cooking more at home, making up weekly meal plans and basing grocery lists off of them and sticking with it for the most part, and I bet there is more but there are still so many more things that I feel I need to change! My life frustrates me so much!
I cannot really make myself feel 100% better right now, I just know that when I go to sleep I won't be hurting so much emotionally and that tomorrow is a new day, and we actually have a very nice and busy day planned for it.
I cannot stop the hurt, but I know that there are some changes I can make in the future that will help me heal with a lot of things, maybe slowly.

amazing potluck at church tonight

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I am so excited!!! I went to church tonight and we had a potluck, and the food was good. I was happy, and the girls were behaving. At one point they were playing in the nursery and I got a chance to talk to someone that I think I have been waiting for for about a year maybe.
There is a man there that once testified that he used to party and stuff. I put that in the back of my brain because I struggle with "partying" all the time. Most of the people that go to my church that I talk to don't understand disorders, and groups, and counseling. It's not just church, a lot of people just don't know much about those sorts of things. That makes me feel a lot more isolated around those people, because I do have drug issues, luckily just only pot use now. I do have bulimia, I do have low self esteem, trouble sleeping, anxiety, depression, and bitterness, anger, et cetera. I am a sinner. I feel like a hypocrite too much. I feel ashamed, I feel undeserving, and unworthy at times to be among the people I respect way more then I could for myself, and the people I want to follow and be more like. They are not perfect, but they are more stable, more confident, they are at places where I need to be.
My friends I use with don't understand why I go to church, and church friends and family don't understand why I even hang out with people who use. I feel like I have multiple lives, and I don't know where I stand sometimes. I struggle so much, and don't know what to do.
So, I am taking it one step at a time, and I am trying to feed the spiritual side of me more so that I can grow more as a christian and feel that way, too.

my plans

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I have been able to work on structure eating a lot more lately. I have been bingeing at times, and a few times I have purged, but in general I have been doing a LOT better.
Yesterday I made up a meal plan for the week, then I looked to see what all we needed grocery wise, and then I went to the store and bought the rest of the stuff that we needed for my list. I hid some candy I have been helping myself to that my sister left here, and I am going to do all that I can to stick to my list while also letting things get in the way only if they have to, and not fretting about it. Last week I tried to do the same thing, but it got to where my sister would come over, I would have to hurry up and get ready to go, and I wouldn't get to eat breakfast so I have been grabbing a banana to eat on the way. This week I want to wake me and the girls up at 8, already have eaten our breakfast then get ready and go to my groups. I ate last week but it got to where I couldn't make lunch when I should have because my sister would let the girls sleep in and then they would have just eaten breakfast and not be hungry yet for lunch, and I felt like it was really interfering with my eating a structured lunch. I can only change it by making sure we eat breakfast at the right times.
If I leave for group right after breakfast then I won't have time to purge. If I eat lunch and then go and do something else right away, I won't be able to purge. The time to stop is now, especially while I have so many positive things going on in my life. I need to use them all to my advantage and really put my all into it. I need to be doing whatever I can and not let anyone or anything else interfere with my recovery!

freaky friday the thirteenth

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I've been feeling strange today, and I can't even blame it on being Friday the thirteenth, because I think it started sometime last night.
I have been jealous, depressed, bitter, angry, resentful, irritated, extra-inpatient and isolated so much since last night. I have been having a few bad mood swings, and hating myself for how I have been feeling, things I have been doing, saying. I feel terrible later, but can't seem to stop it while it is happening.
Today I missed one appointment, and was able to reschedule it but not shake off the anger I had towards myself for missing it in the first place. The sad thing is, I can almost say exactly what I have been feeling, when and why. I just can't get a grip! Someone won't leave me alone, my kid's started crying after remembering a cat name Baby died recently, and I had to hold back the tears to try and comfort them, and I was thinking about her in the car on the way to the house, and it was weird.
I was so tired last night after running around doing things late all day and night that I wasn't able to stand up long enough to charge some things, get stuff ready for today like outfits and stuff for my appointments. I was already destined to miss this appointment, but couldn't do anything about it. Then I had less time to do my other appointment so I forgot to take an iron supplement, just in case, forgot breakfast, had to shove stuff down my throat in a hurry from a drive thru that messed up my order, again, and I was rushing so bad that I was snapping at the kids and saying things under my breath about how I don't have time for this,.. and panicking, a LOT.

staying strong tonight

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I had two different appointments today back to back pretty much. In each of those two places weight was being discussed.
During a smoke break for the first one, my new group, someone told me that my nails were pretty and I told her I just glued them on last night, and she said they really looked like they were done recently, and I was so flattered about that compliment! Then another girl turned to her and complimented her jeans and they were starting to talk freely about clothing sizes and I backed away- fast. I didn't want them asking me mine, I didn't want to know their sizes,... so I backed up and finished my cigarette.
I had made myself eat a little lunch before going to donate plasma (the same with breakfast earlier) and felt so happy that despite problems lately my iron and protein levels were still healthy enough, and there goes two technicians. One chick told the other chick she was looking thinner. I am sure she was complimenting her, but I was worried for her, how she felt about that. I also couldn't stand how much weight issues seemed to be flying around today!
I can't be a part of it! Yet it's life today :(
I am sad, and concerned. I just binged, too. I have got to be strong. I messed up with something else, too and I feel so guilty. This is one of those "I know it feels bad right now, but I need to forgive myself for it and try again next time" times. I'm going to work on that. I'm going to do a craft with the kids here soon before bedtime, and I will stay distracted that way, hopefully, because I really want to purge but want back on track again, too.

support groups anonymous

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I have just been called a support group junkie tonight. I have started going to my newest group 3 days a week, I have started going back to another group once a week, I have my ED support group every other week, and I am so happy right now and I feel like things are starting to really fall into place.

Today I went to my first meeting back at this group I am in again 3 times a week. We talk
about addictions and mental illnesses in there, and we get tested every week for drugs. I volunteered and am really happy with this group so far. I was so happy and felt like today was really a fresh start, and I ate a banana for breakfast so that I wouldn't skip since I had to leave in a rush.

My sister watched the girls and vacuumed my floors! The only bad thing was that while cleaning she obviously found some laxes, but she didn't say anything about them. I feel a little weird about it, though.

After group I made and ate lunch with the girls, and then started a new "quiet time". I didn't purge, and instead took a nap while they played quietly in their room. I woke up from my nap and started reading my emails and then saw one that said group is tonight! I almost forgot to go to my ed support group meeting, so I had to hurry and change our dinner plans around.

feeling good though also relapsing

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Today was a good day despite struggling with my ED. I had what I like to think of as a very lovely Sunday. The girls and I went to church, then we went out to eat at a restaurant (I had problems)
where my friend is a server so it was nice seeing her, and we went to a store for a few things, a yard sale, swimming, had a nice dinner (though I had problems) and now the girls are getting ready for bed here soon and I am going to clean up a little, take my meds and go to sleep because I have my first day of a new group starting tomorrow, and I am so excited about these routines I've been working on!
I have been missing my old clothes. I just bought a full length mirror not too long ago, I am a very anxious person and have some new stuff coming up though I am also excited about it, but I do not know why I can't get out of my latest funk with my bulimia. I hate it!!!!!!!!!

new relationship with someone from my past

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Yesterday I had this rare day of looking at my kids and wondering what in the world we would end up doing. My older sister called and said she was nearby and asked if she could come over with my cousin that she was with. I said sure, and yet after they got here I felt a little panicky.
My sister always has ideas about what to do, and they are usually fun but extravagant ideas. We normally get in her car and take long rides to do things we don't usually do. She also has an addiction to money which makes me feel weird sometimes. I never really have any extra money, and when she wants to go somewhere that costs money I freak out because I can't afford it and yet I don't want her to have to pay for everything, either. She just wants to buy things.
The last time I was at a store with her she found a clearance rack and could not pass it up. My kids were with us so she found these flip flops that fit them and they liked them, and they were happy with them but then all of a sudden she found some prettier ones that were pink but a size or two to big, which means they might fit them sometime around wintertime. She put the first ones back and started heading to the registers and I noticed my older daughters' face fell, so I just switched the shoes back adn go the ones that fit and that they liked.
When we got to the register and my sister noticed what I did she told me to go get those pink ones. I was polite, I said but the girls really wanted these ones (thinking it was about what shoes the girls liked and that fit) and she said fine, go get the pink ones, too, and I said thanks, but they don't even fit them, and she was like "I NEED you to get those other shoes".

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