marysteele313's blog

my plan to start having a better life

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What I need in my life is more stability and organization and stuff. You hear that bulimics tend to have chaotic lives, and I am no exception.
I am alone and am not good about being organized or having routines or anything, and I do not want my kids growing up like that.
Starting on Monday I am going to be attending a new support group because I am sick of not being able to stop smoking weed on my own. I will be going to this group on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and I have opted to have my therapy on Tuesday at the same time so that I can be consistent. I also have to stop smoking weed soon so that I can have my medicine back to where it was, because my psychiatrist said that she can't justify giving me this one medicine if I am smoking weed for the same reason. I am so scared of having anxiety really bad again and I really want to stop smoking, too, so I'm ok with this. More then ok, I'm relieved.
I thrive on consistency but can't make it on my own. I feel like my life is about to change for the better. I am going to be attending this group Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, therapy on Tuesday, church on Wednesday night and Sunday morning, donating plasma twice a week, and every other week I'm going to my ED support group meeting, and I'm attending NA on Thursday nights.

Not bellview!

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I have to explain a story first to explain the rest of this:
In July 2001 my sister and I, along with a friend of hers took a train to new York City for a little vacation for fourth of July. This was right before I was getting ready to go into foster care with a new family that I haven't met yet, and I was having a ton of issues. I was on some medicine that literally made me crazy, and it took about 11-14 hours to get there with a lay over.
Once we got there, my wallet got stolen, and we were staying in a very cramped hotel room for a week. My sister and I have tried over and over to get along, but we have had some serious issues in the past, for example, she was strangling me in the dining room on my 11th birthday because I wanted to watch my new babysitters club movie during my birthday party and she was, who knows what was going on with her. She didn't want me to do that and she got mad.
So anyway, we were brave to even try this vacation out and it was nice at first, but she was trying to hit me with something in our hotel room by the end of the week and I lost it, and ran away. I ran out of the hotel, ran a few blocks away and only stopped when I started hyperventilating, because I was having a major anxiety attack by then, and it was hot. I was scared being alone in such a huge big city and I was so stressed out. This was the night before we were going to leave to go home to Ohio.

dreams coming true

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Yesterday I had made up my mind to spend some money on these annual passes for the girls to come to this place with me so that we could all have fun and swim and stuff. I was so excited, and they were, to, once they found out that we were not going home but going to this place they have only been to once but LOVE and now we all can go together, and it felt like a dream that came true. They were jumping up and down yelling yay, yay, yay!!! Trinity looked at me and said "I love you, Mom", and they were both just so happy, but couldn't possibly be happier then I was to be able to experience their happiness like that.
After we left we went back to their Daddy and Grandparents house to change clothes and we decided to go out to eat and asked Daddy along, too. On our way to Mcdonalds I said let's try and think of something different, instead, and almost that very second we ended up driving behind my dad and I was so happy to see him, because we don't stay in touch often enough.
So, being spontaneous and already having decided to try something different I suggested we follow my Dad and see where he ended up taking us. We ended up stopping our cars and deciding on this one restaurant and had a good time, but he hurt my feelings a bit. Emily was walking ahead of us and she said "hold my hand, Daddy" and so I was being silly and out of character myself, for I am this 25 year old messed up human being and I grabbed my dad's hand and held it, and he tried to hold mine for a few seconds but he's just not like that, and I know better usually, he let go of my hand.
I am feeling kind of lonely and rejected and alone right now. I am hurting and feeling a lot of emotional pain. I can't sleep, just had a very long tearful prayer but while I feel a little more comforted because I know I can keep trudging on still, I am still alone in my room at night, not being able to sleep.

Inside My Heart

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I wasn't feeling very great and started looking through some of my old writings to file away and I ended up finishing a song I believe I started writing at the end of last year and felt like sharing it. I am a christian, I was saved when I was 8, when I was 9 my life started really falling apart and I strayed for the longest time but then at one of the hardest times of my life I started taking my kids to this little baptist church near by and I started getting back on the right track with God, thanks to discipleship classes with Laurie and I got baptized there on September 14th, 2008.

Anyway, here's a song I wrote that's more like a poem to me right now because I'm struggling with trying to figure out the notes. It's called Inside My Heart

He really did never leave my side
Though Him and Heaven knows I've tried
to push Him away
Out of my way

(I am inside your heart
and this is where I will stay
I will never leave your side
I will help you find your way)

When I stopped wanting worldly things
I wasn't really sure of where to start
The only thing I really knew
was that He saw inside my heart

(I am inside your heart
and this is where I will stay
I will never leave your side
I will help you find your way)

So long ago I talked to Him through prayer
I asked Him to live inside of me
He agreed on one condition
for me to always believe

(I am inside your heart
and this is where I will stay
I will never leave your side
I will help you find your way)

Through life's ups and downs
I struggled to find my way
but He would always whisper
that He was there to stay

(I am inside your heart
and this is where I will stay
I will never leave your side
I will help you find your way)

3 days!

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Now it has been three days, and I am SOO excited! I have a plan that is going to start in about 2 weeks. I am getting ready to be very busy with prioritizing my issues in my life. I want and need all the time I can have to get better, and I have a lot of time and resources right now, too. I will be doing therapy once a week, this one group three times a week, my support group, possibly another one for my other addiction, and I have church and plasma donations, too. My kids will be in school all day long in 2 years, and I want to be very recovered by then and stable. I want things to be smooth and easy for us all. I want to live a happy, fun filled life. I want to be free, and stay that way!!!!!

meet Jenni Schaefer

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a workshop where you can meet recovered writer/speaker/singer Jenni Schaefer

a day and a half right now

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I am doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I ate 3 meals and a snack and so far today I have eaten 2 meals now. I am getting back to really having structured eating. I can't believe how far I have come since the last time I was especially sick with my bulimia.

At that time my husband just walked out after too much fighting and as a result of one of those fights I had a broken rib. I had trouble walking, sitting, breathing, and did not get off the couch more then I had to. I slept a lot and was just useless until I finally asked my therapist to send me to the hospital so I could start learning how to function and live again.

Now I can proudly say that I ate breakfast and lunch today. Yes, the bulimic part of me wants to say but I didn't have to, I could have just fed the girls and got busy, or I could have purged, but right now I am not only recovering, I am happy to be recovering. I don't want to hear the bulimia voice right now!

I have been laughing more lately. I've been standing up for myself more. The last time my husband was supposed to babysit the girls and he kept falling asleep until my 4 year old left and went to the pool by herself I stood up to him and said get out. He didn't budge, because he doesn't like for me to tell him what to do and he's immature but I finally wasted my gas and took the girls to his house to have his parents watch them for me for a bit, because they stay awake when they do that.

I had a lovely little Sunday diner with my kids and sister the other night, have been cooking and eating more at home with the girls, and just liking it a lot more then I used to. I hate my eating disorder, and I love recovery.

happy happy joy joy

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I feel good! Today I woke up easily, felt refreshed, and got busy doing my usual millions of things during a day. Good, productive things, too!
I started with therapy and had a good session, I am really starting to finally "get" some things about myself and my life. Things seem to be sinking in, and I don't care why but just how can I keep this attitude up for myself through the next battle?
Tonight sometime me, my girls, my niece and Jason are going to a friends house to eat dinner and play games, and the 1 and a half, 3, 4 and two 5 year olds are going to play together, all girls. Last night we all (NOT ED!) ate popcorn together while watching cartoons and getting sleepy, and it was nice.
Ed was with me during the last support group meeting, I had to fill out two different pieces of paper instead of one for a character because I was talking about this character wanting solitude, and I wrote one on just solitude, and then solitude with ED because they asked me if I wanted to have solitude or if I wanted to have solitude with my ed while I was on vacation that week, and I was going through a bad relapse and was defending my eating disorder.
Ed was with me in my therapy session that week, saying how I have to be this way this week or do these things this week but it wasn't because I had the time, it was because I had the active ED really bad at the time. I don't want to relapse, or if I do I want to get right back up. I am sick of having an eating disorder! Here's to having fun with friends at their new place tonight, even though there is going to be food there! Here's to setting a great example to all 5 little girls in our families! :)

I want to get back to recovering :)

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Ok, that's it.
I had ED in my head for the last few days and was relapsing after finally starting to do so much better!
I did not feel good today, and I think that had to partly do with my trying on my clothes and putting some aside for now that are too tight. Of course if I was stronger, and more recovered I could probably just bag those clothes up and give them away, but no, ED wanted me to see them, and feel them, and know that the tight clothes were there and if only I could just lose,..

FORGET it. If I lose weight again it would be only in the unhealthy ways. I miss when I was doing better and not caring as much. Earlier today I ran into a girl that I like and she doesn't live too far away, she actually practically lives here in my buildings. I like her a lot, think she's nice and fun, and wanted to ask her to go swimming with me. The only thing I couldn't say was that I just did something that was going to be stopping me from doing anything other then laying in bed reading, sleeping and only going to the bathroom for a few hours. Right after I did that I got mad that I did it. I was tired of not being able to treat myself the way all these other people can. I have friends that are beautiful and healthy, and they love getting to eat. They have to eat, and for themselves and not just for their kids and patients that accept plasma. I want to care about myself like that, too. I want to eat. I want to be more normal, not irrational, not distorted about things, but clear, smart, healthy and responsible for my well being.

taking out the trash

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When there is garbage piling up way past the top of the trash can, I can't wait to get rid of it and start over fresh with a nice new garbage bag.
Garbage is disgusting, it smells bad, it looks bad, and it just get's on my nerves bad. I am usually pretty good about emptying the garbage can before it get's to that point and that's because a) garbage is YUCK and b) My kid's are too young to do it, so I have to.
I was thinking about how I got rid of some things last week in order to try to stop doing something that's wrong. It was easy, I just threw stuff away, and all of a sudden something bad was gone.
Sometimes I miss those things and wish I had them back, but I know in the long run that it'll be worth it.
So, how can I apply this to my evil lingering eating disorder? I have bulimia. Bulimia for me is a range of things, and a lot of those things are the things I really can't get rid of. I have to keep food around. I have to have a toothbrush. I need my gum. I have to have a bathroom in my house. I have to have cabinets and dishes and I have to be around other people, even strangers at some points.
Eating disorders are so hard to recover from, because you can't just easily throw away the things that are really part of everyday life for everyone, or should be. The great thing about recovery is that you are not supposed to be trying to throw away your every day life thingies, but learning how to live with them.
Instead of eating the normal binge foods, I want to learn how to get full on healthier foods that I don't have urges to throw up with. Instead of restricting my food, I want to learn how to eat smaller portions that fill me up enough, like with structured eating. Instead of throwing up, I want to rub my tummy and tell myself how tasty something was. Instead of exercising so much that my bones ache I want to know when enough is enough and how to just have fun playing and swimming and stuff.

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