i bo'd for the first time in months on thursday which is my group therapy day. i was planning on going to group and tell the girls how i went skiing with my dad (which ws fun) then came home and bpd. on my way driving to group sometihng happened and i ended up driving to my friends house and smoked which i hadnt done in 5 days (my reccord) my therapist even texted me and asked why i wasnt in group. i wrote back stoned saying i was having a hard time. she said "then doesnt it make sense to be in group??" i worte back somethng like i am drinking and smoking and a friends i was planning on going to group but ended up here" after that text i stoped smoking and drinking sobered up a bit and drove to the last 30 mins of group. i thought that would be the last day i drank or smoked. i got all the booze out of the house (by way of consomptuion) then yeserday/friday i was not drinking i was studying for a yoga training that hap was about to start. Then my husband came home with a jumbp bottle of vodka and some alcoholic edd nog. he drove me to my training but rigth befire we git there i got really bad anxiety and started crying. i didnt know why. probably a combo ofg feeling fat and having booze in the hosue. he said i probably should go if i was so upset. so we went and picket up his sister bc they were planning on having dinner together. i was like no take me to my training then i started crying again and his siter said the same tihng. dont go if your this sad. so i went home and even made a joke "we will get drunk to forget" they laughed dont know if it was funny though.went home and got so wasted. have the worse hangove this morning and dont remember allot of last night. i even feel like i might get drunk and bp today. F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!! why is this so hard. ast group my theraps said it made sense to her why i was turning to substance. she said i recovered from my ed so quickly which is called a flight to health. but i have been hanging on to this other behaviors. its so hard i feel like i dont have anyone to talk to friend wise about substance use or ed.
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