Recovery and Stress

Toi's picture

Hi Everyone,

I rarely blog, but it is after midnight and it has been a tough month. I am still okay though. Stopped purging for my son's first b-day and so far, it has been almost a month, which, is a stellar victory for me. I am even past the bloating stage, which, I rarely ever pass without relapse. I eat pretty big dinners (for me, anyway), and get a little bloated, but it seems to pass by morning. I have had so much stress in the last month, it is amazing that I have hung on. Only for my little one, have I been strong. My inlaws hate me, I am trying to start a new career (freelance stuff from home), and am trying to be more affectionate with my wonderful husband. He has been so supportive, and I have been distant. I went running with a friend today, which, I never do, and she kicked my rear end, but it was nice. I have very few women friends. I have always found it difficult to relate to "normal" women with normal lives.

I guess I am one of these people who feels like there is always more out there. I want an exciting life, and when I don't get it, I turn to bulimia. I know that without bulimia, my life will probably be exciting, but I have never explored it. Until now...(crossing fingers). 17 years with this sh$@! Long enough. Anyway, I am always looking for friends. Downed a package of twizzlers tonight, and I am trying not to let it bother me. I will be okay tonight though, but it really is day-by-day.

I hope everyone out there is doing okay. This is a really sick problem, and it can really take over your life. When stressful situations happen, it is hard not to just say f-it and go back to old habits, but, I guess the more you fight through those, the easier it gets.

Coming to ya live from day 20 :-) All the best,

Toi

2 comments

Catherine Liberty
Catherine Liberty's picture
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Joined: 4 Jul 2009
Hi Toi! Wow it's so amazing

Hi Toi!

Wow it's so amazing to hear that you've made it 20 days, that's so amazing and i hope that you are seriously proud of how far you have come in that time :)

The fact that you have been able to hold on regardless of all of the stress you have been under just shows how strong and truly determined you are.

Sometimes with stress there are ways to reduce it. For example if there is a friend who causes repeated stress, if your job is just too much for you to cope with and so on - those are all things that you do have the power to change, but then there are things that you don't have the power to change.

For example if your in-laws truly do hate you then there is absolutely nothing you can do about their feelings - but there is something that you can do about yours.

It''s a long process and I'm not exactly sure of the precise steps involved but I know from experience that over time it is very possible to change your reactions to situations and people. If you think about it we're doing it in recovery all of the time. We'd usually react to intense emotions by bingeing and purging but in recovery we have to find new ways to react to those things and this is no different.

There will always be negative people, there will always be people who don't like us and there will always be stress in this world, we can't change those things so we have to change ourselves.

I just finished writing to someone where I talked about telling lies to myself in recovery, and I think this could be relevant here too. When things used to stress me out I used to say to myself "I don't care" or "this is out of my control" - at the time I did care, I cared a lot, but by telling myself that I didn't slowly I was able to alter my natural reaction to stressful events.

Now if something happens that threatens to disrupt my life I see it so differently to how I would have pre-recovery.

I'm glad that you feel like there is more out there, because there really is. I am a true believer that with enough determination you can have anything you want in life. Keep reminding yourself that bulimia only works by draining your life away - you deserve so much more than that!

Keep fighting, things will keep getting easier and better I promise!

Take care

Catherine x

Toi
Toi's picture
Offline
Joined: 26 Feb 2010
Thanks so much for the kind

Thanks so much for the kind words. It is helpful. Yes, I have tried the "fake it til you make it" mantra as well. It is hard with the inlaw thing. But I keep telling myself they are mad for silly reasons (don't like that I kept my baby away from another sick kid). They are irrational with me and I think a little threatened because I did not come from this small little town they all live in and they think I want to take their son away for good. Not the case, but, you are right, there is nothing I can do to fix them. My new job is stressful only because I am trying to make it as a consultant and I worry constantly that there will be enough work, and, if there is, it will be hard to manage with the baby and the work. Normlly, I would run, hide and binge, but not today. I really want a life worth reflecting on, and the bulimia has always allowed me to sidestep what I really want.

I have been trying to do things to help me cope. I have been working out and trying not to get too crazy about it, but the workouts help me feel better about myself, which, makes it easier to get through the day without the b/p.

Anyway, thanks for the note - it really helps to have support :-)

Here's to day 21

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