relapsing

adrienne's picture

ugh. so it seems that since i went on vacation last week and since i have allowed myself golden spoon frozen yogurt as a snack, i feel out of control. i have officially binged twice. i have over eaten at several meals as well. tonight i binged and purged by throwing up which i haven't done in a very long time. i have binged but generally i had decided that purging with laxatives was the lesser of two evils. tonight i actually purged and was scared at how simple it was. i MUST start fresh tomorrow. i have gained weight slowly back and am uncomfortable in my body. i think the weight gain led to me feeling defeated and hopeless. but i really musn't fall. yes i have fallen but i can get back up and start fresh tomorrow.
i did 7 weeks. i can start again and let this last week be a learning experience. i can't let my guard down. it was a slow progression. allowing trigger foods too quickly etc.
has anyone else experienced this??? i thought i was in recovery. but now i feel like i am starting all over again. =( boo. i have let things get out of control. i want to get back on track.

3 comments

ladeedah
ladeedah's picture
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Joined: 10 Jan 2009
I am right where you

I am right where you are...after 2 great months, I feel i have relapsed(I hate using that word) and have b/p 2 or 3 times a week for the past few weeks...i decided to get back to structured eating.It is so hard to get back on track! I feel like in the begining i was so excited to break free and get my body ack to normal and be open to maybe finding intimacy in a relationship but none of that has happened,I feel lonely and sad and confused. I want to be rid of this disease so badly but sometimes i feel it is so much stonger than me..I hate it!!!Yes, u can never let your guard down and it is so tiring...i just want to be normal again. I want that excitement and sense of hope that i behan recovery with 3 months ago!

groundfire
groundfire's picture
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Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Oh my, you sound really hard on yourself

Oh my, you sound really hard on yourself. I thinks its magnificent you've been able to monitor yourself for 7 weeks. I also think its quite human and natural that this small bump in the road threw you off a little. By the way you sound so driven in being abstinent I dont think you'll fall at all. I'm glad you added "let last week be a learning experience". I've had many of those. Tell me what do you think set off the binge/purge? what's happening around you that could make you so anxious.

Sincerity is my beauty, and loving is my success.

amanda09
amanda09's picture
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Joined: 24 Mar 2009
relapse is such a normal part

relapse is such a normal part of recovery! seven weeks is fabulous and you should be really proud of that. i know exactly what you are talking about - i have been recovered for over two years now but my 'recovery' period last nearly a year in itself. there was a point in my recovery where i'd been around 6 weeks without b/p (a very long time when bulimia has taken full force of your life for so long) and i fell off the wagon, so to speak, due to very minor triggering life situations..eg. working a lot, not getting enough sleep, not focusing so much time and attention on being kind to myself, etc. anyway i relapsed for a few weeks and felt like all my good work had been a waste of time, like i'd slipped back into the depths. but i made the decision to pick myself up off the ground and choose recovery over dwelling over my perceived failures. the truth is nothing is ever that black and white. just because you relapse once, or for a week or a month or whateveer, you have still come so far and proven to yourself that you are capable of beating this. accepting that relapse is a part of recovery is a very liberating thing - okay so you have slipped up for a period of time. that's okay. tomorrow is fresh and there are no doubt many lessons which can be drawn from this. what triggers set you off? whatever the triggers were, you can now be better prepared to choose self care over self destruction next time you come up against them! good luck!!

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my god do you learn"

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