I just finished a week long program with my girls. I volunteered in one class and each of the girls were in another class of their own at a vacation bible school. One of the kindergarteners in my group was the sweetest little girl ever. She sat and laid in my lap and had me take a picture of her hanging on these bars outside and then one of us together. Tonight, after the final night of VBS at home trying to go to sleep, I started really missing her. I am sick with a cold or something, not sure what but trying to get over it and I feel a little sad about the ending of such a good program. I miss this girl, too, like it breaks my heart that she may move or something and not be back at the vbs next year when I hope to go back. How can you love someone so much and then just not see them anymore?
So, I don't know if I was just feeling sick, and sad, but I looked at the picture of us and couldn't stand how I looked in it. I detested my looks more then ever. I know I have been doing better with recovering, and I have gained weight, and it hurts. I just can't stop, because I have too many reasons to keep trying to stay healthy.
I will admit I have had these thoughts lately. How could I get this under control again, and lose more weight faster? I can't, because all I can think of are ED related cures, and that could end up killing me or hurting me a lot one day. I'll think maybe I can cut back on stuff that is keeping me from my ED,.. then I tell myself why I can't do that either. No, I have to keep eating with my girls before they catch on. My youngest daughter has a pretty high IQ and understands things in ways that are amazing, and kind of scary. t's bad enough that kids pick up on stuff too easily as it is, I can't hurt myself and expose my kids to it anymore. This isn't enough to not make me miserable, but is enough to help keep me going in the right direction. I once considered stopping donating my plasma so I can get unhealthy again. I have to put the people that benefit from it ahead of me here in order to not take a break and let myself get real sick again. This isn't easy, and it does suck sometimes. Right now it's hard to see any benefits from all the work I have been doing to become healthier and more stabilized. All I can say is I know that if I keep working at it there may be a day where I will finally only see the good of recovering, and that alone is worth it. I think time will tell
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