This time I wanna talk about how I decided to stop my bulimia. After so many years BP, during school, high school, university, and now working (that means almost all my life), I was feeling alone, sad, weak, depressed and it might sound stupid, but I didn't know why... Although now it seems quite obvious. That was in MY world, because for the rest of the world I built a totally different appearence, but inside I really felt that I was fading away.
During all this time, I thought that only me knew what I was doing. It has been my dark secret... Until may of this year. Surprusingly, after having a big argue with my sister, she ended saying: "....or I'll tell mom and dad that you are a bulimic!". At that moment I was in shock, I couldn't deny it. Soooo, all this years, I thought that I was hiding it very well, turns out that I was completely wrong. But that's not all!!!
Furthermore, in july, I went on holidays with some friends from university. This time, they managed to talk to me in private... The conversation started: "are you feeling ok?" I was stunned, didn't know what to do... Suddenly I thought iif she could be refering to my "secret" or what, so I responded: "yes..." and for my surprise, although by then I could imagine... She said:" because we think that you are doing bad things...after eating...". What?????? So now results that everyone knew about it during all this time and didn't say anyting until now!! Again, I was even more shocked. But again I couldn' deny it. Thinking about it, it was quite ovbious. Eating a lot durong meals, and then going to bathroom and continue eating... That definetly is weird.
And this is how I really take conscious about bulimia. But for my relief and at the same time, shame, worry, guilt... Not everybody knew it. My parents still don't know. I cannot tell them, I don't feel confident. They know I was eating a lot, but I suspect they don't think I could have an ED, as I have been always a good daughter. And I suspect because when I started eating NORMAL, my mom asked me if I had some problem..., if I was going on a diet!! What??? O_o She has been always my big food pusher, and passing from eating very large amount of food to "normal" servings it was strange to her.
Another important person who didn't know was my boyfriend. We have been toghether for more than 4 years, so obviously, I had hidden BP sessions when I was with him. After discovering that almost all my closest friends knew, but not him, who was supposed to be the most important person in the world for me, my loved one, my very best friend... I felt terribly bad, ashamed, and all those bad feelings a person could have. By far, the hardest moment in this part of my life was confessing my problem to him. I was very very scared, frightened, if he decided to leave me, finish our relationship. In some way, I could understand that decision, I was lying to him, in front of him. I wasn't honest with him. Furthermore, our relationship has been always in the distance, managing to see each other twice a month or so, on holidays, weekends... I needed to talk to him in person in that moment, but I couldn't. So I decided to call him. Yes, it's like if you decide to break eith someone by phone, but there was no way... That was a disaster... Both crying by phone, sobbing.... Horrible. But what was my relief that he instantly told me that he wanted to stand by me, didn't want to leave me, thanked me to tell him, that he would help me, and what really softened my heart... That he loved me more than ever... I couldn't stop dropping tears... There was so many different feelings in me that I was totally overwhelmed.
I didn't know how to tell someone that I have bulimia. Didn't know about the guidebook... But I did the best I could.
In summary, now that I know that I was totally wrong about my "secret", turning out that more people than I thought knows it, I decided to take a decision: recover. Next time I will blog about this. Hope not had bored you.... It's the first time I talk about this and although it's a summary i feel like having written too much!
Thanks you for your time =) Nice day in recovery! XXX
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