The secret revealed

RecoveR's picture

Hello again!
This time I wanna talk about how I decided to stop my bulimia. After so many years BP, during school, high school, university, and now working (that means almost all my life), I was feeling alone, sad, weak, depressed and it might sound stupid, but I didn't know why... Although now it seems quite obvious. That was in MY world, because for the rest of the world I built a totally different appearence, but inside I really felt that I was fading away.

During all this time, I thought that only me knew what I was doing. It has been my dark secret... Until may of this year. Surprusingly, after having a big argue with my sister, she ended saying: "....or I'll tell mom and dad that you are a bulimic!". At that moment I was in shock, I couldn't deny it. Soooo, all this years, I thought that I was hiding it very well, turns out that I was completely wrong. But that's not all!!!
Furthermore, in july, I went on holidays with some friends from university. This time, they managed to talk to me in private... The conversation started: "are you feeling ok?" I was stunned, didn't know what to do... Suddenly I thought iif she could be refering to my "secret" or what, so I responded: "yes..." and for my surprise, although by then I could imagine... She said:" because we think that you are doing bad things...after eating...". What?????? So now results that everyone knew about it during all this time and didn't say anyting until now!! Again, I was even more shocked. But again I couldn' deny it. Thinking about it, it was quite ovbious. Eating a lot durong meals, and then going to bathroom and continue eating... That definetly is weird.

And this is how I really take conscious about bulimia. But for my relief and at the same time, shame, worry, guilt... Not everybody knew it. My parents still don't know. I cannot tell them, I don't feel confident. They know I was eating a lot, but I suspect they don't think I could have an ED, as I have been always a good daughter. And I suspect because when I started eating NORMAL, my mom asked me if I had some problem..., if I was going on a diet!! What??? O_o She has been always my big food pusher, and passing from eating very large amount of food to "normal" servings it was strange to her.

Another important person who didn't know was my boyfriend. We have been toghether for more than 4 years, so obviously, I had hidden BP sessions when I was with him. After discovering that almost all my closest friends knew, but not him, who was supposed to be the most important person in the world for me, my loved one, my very best friend... I felt terribly bad, ashamed, and all those bad feelings a person could have. By far, the hardest moment in this part of my life was confessing my problem to him. I was very very scared, frightened, if he decided to leave me, finish our relationship. In some way, I could understand that decision, I was lying to him, in front of him. I wasn't honest with him. Furthermore, our relationship has been always in the distance, managing to see each other twice a month or so, on holidays, weekends... I needed to talk to him in person in that moment, but I couldn't. So I decided to call him. Yes, it's like if you decide to break eith someone by phone, but there was no way... That was a disaster... Both crying by phone, sobbing.... Horrible. But what was my relief that he instantly told me that he wanted to stand by me, didn't want to leave me, thanked me to tell him, that he would help me, and what really softened my heart... That he loved me more than ever... I couldn't stop dropping tears... There was so many different feelings in me that I was totally overwhelmed.

I didn't know how to tell someone that I have bulimia. Didn't know about the guidebook... But I did the best I could.
In summary, now that I know that I was totally wrong about my "secret", turning out that more people than I thought knows it, I decided to take a decision: recover. Next time I will blog about this. Hope not had bored you.... It's the first time I talk about this and although it's a summary i feel like having written too much!

Thanks you for your time =) Nice day in recovery! XXX


bella_reverie's picture
Joined: 1 Dec 2010
It's never too much if

It's never too much if writing here helps you. SOmetimes I have to get that reminder from my loved ones...that I am capable of having a life that does not encompass bulimia. there are harder days, easier days...but always we can remain commit to recovery.

I'm so glad you wrote! Its never boring. Do you mind I ask, how is your boyfriend doing with helping you, is he a good support source? how about your family now?

Oh god, food pushing! my parents are always like that. I am Indian, well my parents being from India, it's part of the culture. I can totally understand how frustrating it is. Don't feel like you need to tell anyone that you're not comfortable with, just do your best with getting better so you can live a life that's sooo much better!

yogini345's picture
Joined: 28 Aug 2012
I'm also glad you wrote, and

I'm also glad you wrote, and happy that people were so supportive of you when they found out or you told them. I think the less shame we carry around our behavior, the less power bulimia has over us. Also when people know, it makes it harder for us to sneak and easier for us to say, "I feel like eating again," or asking for help or just a shoulder to cry on. Congratulations on your recovery decision, and stay strong and positive.

lindsay6's picture
Joined: 31 Aug 2012
When my bulimia started my

When my bulimia started my Mother figured it out quickly and humiliated me over it telling me to stop. So I did. Well so she and everyone else thought. It really drove my disease completely underground so no one ever knew or figured it out. I felt such a deep and profound shame over this disease that I don't even have words to describe it. I felt my confessing to bulimia was confessing to the fact that I was a horrible, greedy, degenerate, flawed, and weak human being. I might as well have been a convicted murderer or pedophile no difference. When I finally did start to tell people I was shocked as you were by the compassionate responses I received I don't thing everyone would be compassionate so I chose carefully. This has all gotten me to the point where I am now. I no longer feel the shame I once did. I realize and fully understand this was a disease and I had no choices. This bulimia was much more powerful than I was. Like all diseases you need to do something to gain recovery and that is where this site begins.

When you are going through hell, keep going.

RecoveR's picture
Joined: 23 Oct 2012
Hi bella_reverie! Well, with

Hi bella_reverie!
Well, with my boyfriend, I know I can tell him whatever I want, and if I need help I know he will be there... although in the distance. But actually, it is like a taboo topic. We only talk if I start the conversation, and that has only ocurred twice or three times since I told him. It's embarrasing, but I must confess I didn't tell him my last BPs sessions... I am so ashemed about this, feeling so bad person still doing this, but It's also so embarrasing all this...

Concerning my family, I still haven't told my parents. Guess they are still stranged about my new eating habits, but sure they still don't have idea. Mom is like always, pushing me to eat everything she cooks... that's soooo triggering!! and dad also keeps on asking me what do I want to eat so as to go to the supermarket to buy food.... also triggering...

RecoveR's picture
Joined: 23 Oct 2012
Your are totally right

Your are totally right yogini345!
Also, if I know that others are observing, you just control yourself more, although sometime I just give in, and don't care.... that's so dissapointing... But afterwards, I have to change the chip and reset, thinking that must continue and keep going! XX

RecoveR's picture
Joined: 23 Oct 2012
Hello lindsay6! I haven't

Hello lindsay6!
I haven't told my parents because I guess I'm afraid of their reaction... It's great that we have supportive people around us, and this community where we can feel free to talk about ourserlves, and not only that, but as all of us know what are we talking about, it's more comprehensive and understanding.

It's horrible to experience all those feelings, I can tell too... but it's also encouraging that once we have shared some of our problem, it feels like being a little bit free. Obviously, chosing carefully those persons you want to share with. Despite of some friends and my boyfriend, I haven't confessed anyone else... well, all of you of course. =)

There's light at the end of the tunnel...XX

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