Bulimia Help

I feel like i am not deserving of taking up space in this world that ought to be filled by someone who could have a more positive impact on the world. I feel I waste all the gifts that the world offers me by being obsessively self-consumed. I feel I ruin opportuninties and moments that should be embraced as magical parts of my life, all because I am constantly destroying myself, my life, and my relationships with my compulsive and negative thoughts, words and actions towards and against myself and the gift of my life.
I can see I'm doing it, i know what's coming next, I have time to stop it, I know I should ... but I don't. sometimes I simply don't want to stop it, sometimes I am so out of control that I don't have any power to fight it. sometimes I am so weakened by this obsession that I simply can't do anything about it.

there are moments of hope, from july to january I was b/p free. I was living. A slight relapse in february reminded me that I must continue to fight and focus on my recovery. but, i was still winning.
the past month has been devestating. I was triggered by a serious stomach virus, that caused me to lose enough weight to put me in hospital. I fought through it. I dragged myself out of that zone .... but only just. Then the old obsession with the scales and the fact that I was borderline out-of-care, has triggered me to fall back into the b/p habits again, almost as bad as I as this time last year. I am considering puting myself into hospital, but it would destroy my career and devestate my parents (who don't know about my 11 year battle with this). I can't do that.

I'm going to my doctor on monday, searching for a way out without hurting the people I love.
I'm at the point where I do not have the strength to fight this. I'm heading for disaster.
:(

So, 3 weeks on a cruise ship and 1 week in Los Angeles ... where is my waiter? What? You mean i have to actually make my own food again? Poo!
The travel agent said it would be easy and i would have plenty of choices even with my very fussy food issues. that is the last time i listen to anyone about food. Half of the people on that ship didn't even understand the statement "allergic to dairy -no milk, no cream, no butter, no yoghurt". So there were a few moments of excruciating pain, etc after they tried to poison me, but that was not the most difficult bit. Once they finally got the message, they could only come up with one option ... give me the same entree every fkn night ... a fruit smoothie ...yuck! i don't like smoothies anyway, don't bother asking. Even when I ordered something else like a salad (not a nice one either) they still brought the fkn smoothie! wtf?! Too many carbs in that for me thankyou, plus I cant stomach overly sweet things, and watermelon is another allergy ... yea like they were ever gonna understand that.
Every morning i sat there and watched my bf eat his breakfast with a bowl of dry cereal in front of me, because it took ten minutes for them to find a glass of soy milk for me ... i thought i explained this ... but they never got it.
Five times in the 3 weeks they brought the soy milk, i poured it on my cereal and ate my first mouthful ... only to realise when the burning after taste that it was regular milk and they were actually trying to kill me! ugh!
For lunch I stuck to the buffet, at least that way I wouldn't be poisoned.
And every dinner ... another smoothie ...GRRR!
I was exceptionally grateful when we were in port and I could stock up on decent food so I wouldn't starve before the next port.
Why don't people understand that just because I don't eat certain foods, it doesn't mean I don't like flavour and variety.

worst holiday food ever on that stupid ship.
I was so happy to get to LA! :)

Hi Everyone!
I really need your help, even if it's just a small thought that you have, it will make a huge difference to me at this stage (and hopefully help others too).

The situation is: In 28 sleeps I'm going on a one month holiday with my man, on a cruise ship for 3 weeks and then in LA for 1 week.
My head is in panic mode at the moment, because I can't take my "safe foods" with me ... I asked, they said No.
So, for one whole month I will be completely out of my comfort zone, and will have to deal with and eat ... the unknown (at this stage), or starve to death (I wont say which one sounds like the easiest/best option at the moment).
I'm sure there will be tonnes of choices and I will be able to find something that I am comfortable with eating, but my biggest fight with this ED is my severe restriction. I have talked myself out of every single food at some stage during this 11 year battle, and I am at the point where I have very limited options of what I will eat anyway. Everything outside my plan, I simply refuse.

What I am scared of with this öutside the comfort zone experience:
Fear of not having my "safe foods"
Fear of having to eat something I'm not comfortable with
No nutritional panels
Not having enough "safe options" to survive on
Ruining the holiday by returning to b/p habits
Weight gain
Binging because I have only trigger foods to choose from
Restricting to the point where I collapse
Eating too little, because I'm scared

etc, etc, etc.

I'm almost having a breakdown trying to deal with the worry about what I'm going to do. :(

So, I know I will have to deal with foods that are outside the plan/safe zone at every meal for this whole month, I am determined to try my best, but i really need your help with positive thoughts that you use to deal with food outside your comfort zone.

Wow! I can't believe I have made it to day 66!
I am starting to be able to reason my way out of the b/p urges, and it's getting easier to deal with my triggers.
I still have days, like yesterday, where I am fighting as hard as ever to stop myself doing something bad; but I am focused on being free of this and I can see the progress I am making.

I have just discovered that day 100 for me, is the day that I will board a cruise ship in Auckland(NZ) for a one month holiday with my bf, sailing through the south pacific, then Hawaii, and finally stopping in LA for a week! What a way to celebrate day 100!
I am stunned that this holiday will start on day 100, what are the chances of that!
So, now I have a huge goal to keep me on track.

In 11 years I don't think I have made it past day 4 b/p free, and now I'm at day 66 and aiming for 100. I would have never believed I could do this. This site has been a true life-saver for me. I am recovering, and it's thanks to you guys for supporting and inspiring me to make this change.
Thank you! Thak you! Thank you!
It is possible! Believe you can do it! We can recover!
I'm here for anyone who needs help with this!
XXX

So, I have been avoiding one of my main trigger foods for over a month now, not on purpose, but I have just been eating healthy and haven't felt like it.
Yesterday, I was having wholegrain toast for lunch and I couldn't decide what to have on it, then it came to me ... PB! And that thought scared me.
I didn't have any in the house, because I've been trying my best to not be in a situation that I know will end in a binge, so I had honey instead.

background info: I have been addicted to PB for almost all of my 11year struggle with this ED, I haven't eaten bread for 11 years, until I began recovery 1.5 months ago, so I used to just eat it with a spoon
... one specific spoon to be precise, my "EPBS" as everyone knows it as "Emergency Peanut Butter Spoon", that I always had with me for PB emergencies. Hmmmmmm!
And, I would eat the whole 400g (1 lb) jar in one sitting, like a regular person would eat a punnet of yoghurt.
98% of the time this would end with my head over the loo, purging.

Anyways, this morning I bought a jar, to have on my toast for lunch, because I'm determined to not restrict on certain foods and I think I'm in the right mindset to do this. It's a huge hurdle that I have to get over to continue on the road to recovery.

So, I will let you know how it goes ...

Thank you all so much! I simply could not do this without you guys.

I have had the worst day since day 1, 3 weeks(and still counting) ago. I have slipped back into being over-restrictive with my food over the past 3 days, no particular reason, maybe a little stress, but have coped without incident. Today has been the worst ...

Breakfast: The cereal in the cupboard didn't appeal, so I went to the supermarket ... nothing there either ... next supermarket ... again, nothing! I know I'm restricting, but determined to not let this turn into a b/p and ruin my good streak, I made a decision ...

I will make my own healthy toasted muesli, without all the crap that is stopping me from being ok with the ones in the store ... GREAT!
So, I bought all the stuff that would make the most fantastic toasted muesli ever ... took it home and got to work (literally work, Chef 24/7).
1 hour later I sat down to breakfast ... brunch at this time, delicious! Success.
2 hours later: restrictive thoughts have snuck back into my head and wont allow me to make a healthy decision for a snack ...
another 2 hours later: have convinced myself I'm not hungry and therefore shouldn't eat ...
3 hours later: think I want some muesli, safe food, but not at this time of day (screams the restriction-bug that is sucking on the healhty part of my brain), convinced again that I'm not hungry ...
2 hours later: reading the blog:
"Yet another post that could have been written by me..."
August 17, 2009 - 8:27pm — unleash_my_potential

..."I realised that I won't put on weight by eating 'normally' - I will become what I am supposed to be.
... I have started to become that real healthy chick ;)
And soon I wont feel guilty they think I'm healthy because I will be!"

... It was just the kick in the pants I need today to get myself out of this slump.
I stood up, walked calmly to the kitchen, flung open the pantry doors and screamed:

I've been a professional Chef for 13 years, fighting with AN/BN for about the same amount.
The first 2 years were the worst, I put on so much weight.
It's my job to taste everything before I send it out ... there is no way out!
Watching people who seem to eat purely for taste, not because they need the fuel, stopped my binging on unhealthy food pretty quickly. (now I just binge on healthy food! same problem, just switched to something that I can justify nutritionaly, but it still ends up coming up) :(
I lost an extreeme amount of weight in a few months when the AN took over. I changed careers and bacame a teacher, to seperate myself from the problem, thinking this wold fix it ... it made it worse.
Surrounded by teenagers, in my head I think they judge me by the way I look and what they see me eat, how I exercise etc.
So I justify my EDs by saying I'm setting an example by what they see ... a good example, b/c they see me eat healthy and they see me at the gym and I can talk to them about anything that they are interested in.
B/S! I am starting to see now that they can see through it. If they havn't figured it out for themselves already that I'm consumed by ED's, then am I setting an example that is un-achievable without being sick (physically/mentally)
... I am setting the worst example of all, I'm an example of everything I want to protect my students from
... I want them to accept themselves and others, I want them to learn and grow intellectually, I want them to be happy and healthy and positive and peaceful
... I do not accept and am fighting with myself, I use my knowledge of food to make myself unhealthy, I am depressed, psycotically moody, sick, obsessive, underweight, negative towards myself and those who I think are harassing me b/c of my weight/eating/etc, I am constantly at war with myself
... and with this realisation (while I'm writing this) and admitting this for the first time ever ... I'm crying.

I've been paying more attention to how I'm feeling and my thoughts about food this week, and I've noticed that my reaction to to stress is affecting me differently than I previously thought.
I'm sure I'm not alone on this one.
When I get stressed about something negative (an arguement, an unexpected bill, running out of cereal), I slip into a a negative mode of thoughts and emotions that automatically focuses me on wanting to binge.
Thinking about it, at the core of it is a feeling of being out of control, I'm suddenly not in complete command of my life and it sends me into panic. The need be in control is fueling my binge, as this adds to the feeling of being completely out of control ... but this part is able to be easily brought back under control by purging. Even when the binge doesn't occur, I seem to feel like I am gaining control over things by purging, because I'm controlling that part of the world.

Does anyone have anything similar, or some ideas on how to get through this? It seems to be my worst trigger and I would realy appreciate you thoughts!

Thanks.
XXX

This is realy working for me!
I'm focusing on each and every mouthful, chewing and tasting my food, instead of being a vacuum/hoover.
Flavours and textures that I did not realise I have been completely unaware of for years now.
I feel like I'm eating for the first time again, and in a way I am, cos I'm learning how to eat for nutrition and flavour. This is truly amazing!
The Structured Eating section has been my focus and it has helped me so much. For the first time in 11 years, I truly believe there is hope for me to recover. Thank you Ali!
The support of all you guys is the most incredible incentive to fight harder than ever before to do this. Thank you all so much!
:)

Ok, I am on day 4 of being completly healthy!
Was just pondering what my triggers are, and reading about what you guys are experiencing, and it got me thinking ...
I don't binge (maybe once a year)
But my purging was out of control, all day!
I only eat healthy foods (a kind of restriction that I'm trying to fight).
So what am I purging?
Good Healthy Food.
And exceptionally small portions at that.
Am i nuts?
I'm purging nothing!
Why am I doing this?
I don't binge!
This doesn't make sense.
Is this just me?

Day 4 going realy well, the best i have felt in as long as I have been fighting this.
I know I can do this now, cos my Angel Ali has created this site and enabled me to find Hope, Strength and the support I need for recovery!
Thank you so much Ali, and thank you all my new friends on this site! You are my strength and I am here for you.
Keep Strong! X