I found my voice and realized i can talk back to bulimia! On my flight back to California I had a host of allergic reactions and facial flushing due to being bulimic. My skin was itching and my face look red and puffy. I felt like i should not be eating sugar because it my cause further flare up. My flight had a layover i was weak and hungry from fasting and from my last purge. I "succumbed" to my hunger and decided to have a meal. I ordered eggs that came with fried potatoes and toast. This was my first real meal in a couple days. Remembering what the E-book said about bulimia and deprivation, i decided i would keep this meal in. I sat down and ate everything on my plate. It felt very strange, because i was allowing myself food and wasn't going to purge. Oddly i ate more slowly and was more present with my meal. I felt anxious afterwards and started to fear that i would get an allergic reaction. Went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror to see if my face got worse. It didn't look good, and that tempting voice came into my head telling me to purge, but told it to shut up. Purging would only make it worse. Victoriously i walked out of the bathroom and went to my gate. I slept the whole flight through.
My sister, and best friend picked me up from the airport. It was so good to see her! We went about the day. Went shopping and got a facial. Before the facial I stopped by the herbalist. She examined my tongue, hands, pulse, and face. I also showed her my rash. She had a worried look on her face and told me my immune system, kidneys, and lungs were very weak. Gee i wonder why my body is breaking down. She gave me some herbs to detox and gave me some nutritional advice. Afterwards we stopped by my favorite boba place (new york does not have good boba :( ). Boba is not healthy and has sugar, but i love it and decided i'm on vacation and should enjoy it. Again, i resisted the urge to purge. Reminding myself that my body can handle it even if its not healthy.
After dinner i felt so full (had broccoli). At this point that bulimic voice came into my head. It told me to purge, cuz all that sugar would make my rash worse, and i would feel better empty. But i realized it was tricking me! I spoke up and said being bulimic is whats causing my flare up! Being bulimic is whats making me sick and weak! Being bulimic is whats making me ugly and puffy! Being bulimic is what is bad not the food that i'm eating! My body was made to process food!! If i continue to go down that bulimic road my body will only get weaker and weaker. How much more can my poor body handle? I could believe how many times it tricked me into harming myself! It felt so good to talk back and stand up for myself. I went to sleep feeling full. The next morning i woke up feeling much better. The food processed and my rash was subsiding. I still couldn't believe what a difference standing up to that voice in my head made me feel! This is definitely progress and i feel so much stronger!! Second day in California i ate at one of my favorite chicken spots, had boba again, and even ate some candy!!! Felt a slight urge to purge, but reminded myself not to be tricked. I think this my be my road to recovery!! I'm stronger than bulimia!
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