Starting out again

L C's picture

Hi, I'm Elsie (L C). I'm pretty scared to be so public in my recovery efforts, but I figure maybe I have to be willing to do things I haven't been willing to do in the past. I'm 47 years old and I've been struggling with Bulimia for 32 years. I have made quite a few attempts at recovery - inpatient, outpatient therapy, Overeaters Anonymous, Intuitive Eating. I'm pretty sure I actually tried this program once, under a different username, although I don't think I understood much about it at the time. I spend a lot of silly time and energy trying to figure out why none of my attempts have been successful. The only thing that really matters is that I still am Bulimic and I still want recovery badly enough to be starting again.

It really resonates with me that, at the bottom of this, my body is just starving! And it's been starving for a very long time. I either give my body some very measly portions of food or else I give it lots of food, and then take it all away again, through purging. It makes so much sense to me that there is a physiological base for this whole big mess.

But there's a really big difference between things making sense and actually going through the motions of eating regularly, every 3 hours. Oh, I'm hungry at the 3 hour mark - that's not the problem. It's just scary as h*ll to wait to see what kind of weight gain I'll have to endure.

And then there's the toughest part - I miss the bingeing. I miss the "food as best friend". I miss it like some people would miss the love of their life. I can make long lists of other things I can do with myself when the urge to binge hits, but none of them will be as instant, powerful, and effective as bingeing.

But I don't want it to be that way. I don't want my food addiction to be the most meaningful thing in my whole life - how sad would that be! I want to be more than a Bulimic. I want to find comfort in walks and reading and helping others, etc... I want to be a more whole person.

If you've read this, please comment. I never would've asked for that in the past. But I need you all very much this time, even if I'm old enough to be your mother or more! Just give me one word that says you're out there and we're at least in it together.

Wishing you recovery....
.

4 comments

kanella
kanella's picture
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Joined: 5 Aug 2011
Hi LC, I havent been on this

Hi LC,
I havent been on this site in a little while yet tonight I need it.
So much of what you wrote resonates with me. I want to be a more whole person, I know the joy of doing those peaceful, relaxing, and helpful things. I encourage them in others yet somehow I am back battling this shadow again. It really is possible (recovery) I experienced it, it felt millions of miles away from the feeling I have right now. Rereading the material on where all of this thinking about diets and restrictive eating begins is helpful. Take it day by day and after a while you will start to look at the binge foods with disgust because youll know how much anxiety and lack of energy they cause you. It is more fulfilling to go through the emotions that we stuff down with food.
Only love and light to you. I wish you the best. You are worth it.

DeeMarie
DeeMarie's picture
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Joined: 21 Jan 2012
Hi LC, I feel for you and my

Hi LC,

I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I'm right up there at 25 years and I seem to always make the excuse that tomorrow will be another day and when things get a little brighter, calmer, better....then I will be able to reliquish my one true crutch that has been there to support through it all! How crippling! Part of me can only imagine what it would be like to be free and have choice and no longer me a slave to my addiction. But the other part of me misses the indulgence as well. I guess that's why they call it addiction!

I have been getting into a lot of mindfulness audio recently and I feel that it is slowly starting to help me let go of the NEED to have my 'best friend' be there all the time (I haven't mastered it yet otherwise I wouldn't be on here, but love it just the same). After years and years of trying to meditate but being too impatient and too busy, this has really hit a chord with me. So I try to do a bit of pratice each day (together with Richard's audio) and I have found that when I am in the demonic state of autopilot, sometimes what I have learned helps me reduce the attachment. Check out the site if you are interested. http://www.actmindfully.com.au/home

I can only believe that we are given our burdens to carry for a reason and some of us have to hold onto them for a while longer than others in order to learn our lessons...and in hindsight I'm sure there will be some great lessons that you will have learned. Actually I am amazed at some of the insight and depth that is shared ont his site that I just don't see in everyday life. Maybe this journey is preaparing us for something big and golden!?

I wish you all the best in your recovery. You have it in you to do it.

D :)

DeeMarie

Mouli
Mouli's picture
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Joined: 6 Aug 2011
Dear LC, Well done for

Dear LC, Well done for braving it and coming here. I remember when I forst started here In August my heart was racing. It has been over 5 months since I joined and I can honestly say this site has helped me to no end. I was a lost soul with no hope, that is what I thought but I followed Se and it all made perfect sense. Just over 120 days things went abit pear shaped as I had a huge obstacle to get through. I managed to get through the worst of it then I did stumble and I fell. I understand why now and I can look at things differently and I am so back on track and ready to get rid of this crap out of my life forever. I tasted what it felt like for 3 months and it was fantasstic, I didn't put on weight in fact i found I lost pockets of fat that obviously were stored there from my screwed up system. ANyway, I look forward to hear how you get on and wish you all the best for the freedom we all deserve! m x

winter789
winter789's picture
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Joined: 27 Sep 2009
Hi Elsie I was reading your

Hi Elsie

I was reading your entry and the other comments left and I too can totally relate to what everyone is saying. I'll be 46 in a few weeks and have been dealing w/ bulimia for over 25 years as well (god, looking at that number pains me). I can't remember a time in my life (even as a child) when I wasn't worrying over my body and weight.

I have also been ambivilant about recovery. I too miss the eurphoria of binging - of "having my cake and eating too" syndrome! I loved going on the hunt for my goodies and the fact that when I was in that state, all my thoughts and anxieties would disappear (for a moment). However, the past few months I've been eating 3 meals a day and one snack which has helped me a lot. I finally figured out that restricting doesn't work - at all. It has really killed my "buzz" - but, is not the quick I thought it would be. I still b/p once a week - which is way better than where I was years ago but I still want to be free of this mess.

Never lose hope and faith in yourself - we're all worth it. Also, just one more thing - I love your name - it was my grandmother (who I never met) name - so elegent!

Lisa B.

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Back in 2006 Ali Kerr confessed to her husband Richard that she suffered from bulimia. Unfortunately inpatient treatment was too expensive and therapy proved ineffective.

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