Hi, I'm Elsie (L C). I'm pretty scared to be so public in my recovery efforts, but I figure maybe I have to be willing to do things I haven't been willing to do in the past. I'm 47 years old and I've been struggling with Bulimia for 32 years. I have made quite a few attempts at recovery - inpatient, outpatient therapy, Overeaters Anonymous, Intuitive Eating. I'm pretty sure I actually tried this program once, under a different username, although I don't think I understood much about it at the time. I spend a lot of silly time and energy trying to figure out why none of my attempts have been successful. The only thing that really matters is that I still am Bulimic and I still want recovery badly enough to be starting again.
It really resonates with me that, at the bottom of this, my body is just starving! And it's been starving for a very long time. I either give my body some very measly portions of food or else I give it lots of food, and then take it all away again, through purging. It makes so much sense to me that there is a physiological base for this whole big mess.
But there's a really big difference between things making sense and actually going through the motions of eating regularly, every 3 hours. Oh, I'm hungry at the 3 hour mark - that's not the problem. It's just scary as h*ll to wait to see what kind of weight gain I'll have to endure.
And then there's the toughest part - I miss the bingeing. I miss the "food as best friend". I miss it like some people would miss the love of their life. I can make long lists of other things I can do with myself when the urge to binge hits, but none of them will be as instant, powerful, and effective as bingeing.
But I don't want it to be that way. I don't want my food addiction to be the most meaningful thing in my whole life - how sad would that be! I want to be more than a Bulimic. I want to find comfort in walks and reading and helping others, etc... I want to be a more whole person.
If you've read this, please comment. I never would've asked for that in the past. But I need you all very much this time, even if I'm old enough to be your mother or more! Just give me one word that says you're out there and we're at least in it together.
Wishing you recovery....
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