Bulimia Help

haven't written a blog in a while - feels a bit indulgent / public sometimes - but thought I could do with taking a proper look at the last eight weeks...

january / february i was still very distressed, b/p at least once a day, often more

in the last eight weeks my biggest step forward is that I have only purged on six days in total

i also had a three week period where I managed to eat three good meals and two or three snacks a day, probably half of the eight weeks I've been eating well, the rest of the time i've still been overeating or binging

i have attended five sessions of a mindfulness cbt course (still ongoing) and am making a good effort to make meditation and mindfulness a part of my day to day life - although i am still finding many situations, especially around work and eating, very difficult, i am also very aware that this practice is already bringing many positive things into my life, and also that step by step it is changing how i go about my life day to day - this is truly amazing

i am making a real effort to prioritise myself and my friends and family over work and commitments and over hiding away because of my ed. it is very hard some days - dealing with feeling guilty about leaving something unfinished, or for eg. being confident enough to meet my new boyfriend's friends when i feel disgusting and ugly (but still smiling and being friendly!)

i keep reminding myself that life is not a rehearsal and there is no need to or benefit in waiting for tmrw, or when i leave my job, or when i look different, etc. to change things or simply to get on with enjoying my life

i am sad today because even with all this progress, the last two weeks have been especially hard again - i haven't been taking such good care of myself at all and i am feeling all those very familiar negative things about myself; my self esteem is especially low again and i wonder sometimes how i will ever climb out of this dark place

i wonder if other people find, like I do, that when you're so used to being negative about yourself, it is really hard to celebrate your successes - big or small - and especially to 'feel' in your body that you are happy?!

i have woken up with a usual ball of anxiety in my belly and that sense of dread, but i know it's just that - anxiety...

i have so much to be grateful for - and today so much to celebrate! wish i could feel it, but i guess that's just practice!

so i'm able to report that it's been two weeks since i last purged... and this week I managed one full day and two half days of healthy but not restrictive eating... i am about six weeks in to seeing someone who is treating me really well and I am handling well trusting someone and letting them into my life... and yesterday i was offered a new job! - and with it, and chance to move on by may time from a 'very good' but stressful job which has been getting me down for at least 18 months...

i am making progress slowly, i am doing ok! if my friend was writing this to me, i'd be over the moon for her...

thinking of you all and hope that you can recognise all the things you are doing well and the progress you're making! we are all so strong in fighting this - even on the days we don't feel it

lots of love xx

been a rough few days and morning

learning slowly that this is what progress and getting better looks like - good days, bad days, good mornings, bad mornings...

and it's what life looks like too - sometimes most things will be just like you want them to be, and other times there will be more challenges and set backs - it's how you respond that counts

so i find myself at the midpoint (1pm Weds) of a particularly difficult day and week

i can make things better from here if i choose to

i can be grateful for what there is to be grateful for

i want to keep moving in the right direction and i want to be the strong, calm, capable person who can make the most of each day, whatever that might mean on a given day

i want to keep looking after myself more and more so i can look after those around me better too

this doesn't need to start and stop with each re-affirmation or regression

i'm on the right path, i'm moving forward, exactly now is the right moment to take the next positive step

lots of love and best wishes to everyone on this unbelievably difficult journey xxx

I feel like I have been fighting this for so long. But have I? I've been suffering. And finding a lot of reasons. And making a lot of excuses. And when I've run away from it, it's been better. But running away and having a rest - while important - isn't facing up to the fact that I have been using binging and purging as a totally self defeating and self destructive coping mechanisms for well over two years now. But it doesn't help me cope and it never brings real comfort. It perpetuates a situation where I'm more and more afraid and sad and lonely and frustrated.

What is stopping me prioritising this and making recovery the most important goal in my life?

I am scared of the hard work and discomfort - I don't want to acknowledge how difficult I am finding things which I think I should find easy? I don't believe I am strong enough to beat this - I think i am weak and give in too easily? Is this true? It is too big a challenge and so what is the point in trying?

Well there is a lot of point, isn't there?

There isn't anything I want more than to be back in a position where I am in good health, looking after myself well and with more and more energy and motivation so that I can enjoy all of the good things in my life.

I might not have taken on a challenge this big before, but that doesn't mean I can't do it now. I do want this and I can do it.

As ever, wishing everyone here the strength and courage and determination to take on the challenge and celebrate every step forwards however big or small... x

looking at my last blog post in november i do think i[ve made some steps forward, i don't feel quite the same hate and anger towards myself, but i'm still struggling daily with b/p and having had a really good month in december (when i left london - able to take leave, it was really good for me) i am now back and slipping back fast downhill and need to put the brakes on now

i am trying to make change i think will help - but it all takes a lot of time (like i sent off first application for a new job this week, i even went on a couple of dates despite feeling very nervous about seeing someone right now with all this going on) and energy and concentration - i know recovery is top priority - but still hard to priortise in practice

yesterday i had a really nice evening - it wasn't an easy day but i didn't feel unhappy or stressed - but still when i got back to my home tube station i went to the shop bought a load of binge food and spent the last hour of the day binging - i can't even work out what emotion i was reacting to? fear about something potentially good happening (new relationship?) which makes me feel vulnerable, fear about the next day and all the people who will want and need something from me which i won't be able to give them?

now it is morning and i feel a sort of paralysis / inertia - i could have got up to take some exercise an hour ago, or eat breakfast, or start work early - all good in their own way, but instead i'm stuck in bed, thinking of eating, sleeping, hiding away - i need to find the new ways of caring for myself / finding comfort - i still don't really understand the control this ed has over my life

writing it out to try and keep more of a track of where i am on this

hope you are all doing ok today - thinking of you - because although i hate the fact that anyone else could be suffering from this horrible horrible thing, it really helps that there are people who truly understand - much love - take care x

So many half sentences written and deleted before this one.

Exhausted and exasperated and just plain bored of where I find myself.

Devastated too - at a quieter, deeper level - at the damage I have done and the hurt I still feel every day. I don't recognise myself anymore - and not just because of how I have changed physically. I have a lot of hatred and very little kindness for the person I now am.

I know what needs to be done, even how to do it, but not how to make this happen.

I will keep trying. There are positives. But all these small victories don't seem to add up to much.

I know you guys understand, so maybe it's ok just to leave it at that.

Wishing you all the peace and courage you need to beat this xxx

instinctively this feels a bit personal to post as a blog so i really don't expect any replies, but i guess am trying to 'pledge' publicly to myself that it is time to take the next step on this long old journey...

29th October, 2009

Dear Eleanor,

I was so sad when you told me about the problems you've been having over the past two years with your eating and your self-esteem.

If I'm honest, I was also pretty surprised. Although I know you've had a tough year with work and health and your relationship coming to an end, I had no idea it had affected you in this way. You are so strong and busy and dynamic - it just didn't occur to me that you could be feeling this way.

It's important to say that you shouldn't feel embarrassed or guilty that you are in this situation. You are not 'bad' or 'ungrateful' to feel this way.

Although you feel very 'stuck' at the moment, I know that you don't want this to continue. I understand how difficult you are finding it to find a starting place for change and that it seems to make things worse when you keep trying but are not making 'progress' as quickly as you would like.

You are not failing in this, however - whatever you may think. You have made so many positive and brave choices and changes already. Whether accepting a different size and shape 'version' of yourself, coming to terms with not being the fastest runner or the best project manager or the thinnest and prettiest girlfriend. You have made more time for yourself too and started to say no to things. These are all big steps.

You told me that another lesson you've learned is that you can't do everything yourself. Telling your friends about your bulimia allows them to help and support you. They want to do this because they love you and - again despite what you may sometimes think - value your friendship and company hugely.

can anyone offer any ideas on starting and sticking to a healthy structured eating plan?

i have made some progress i guess because i have managed to stop weighing myself and also massively decreased (to almost nil) my purging behaviours

to be honest though the biggest problem has always been the binging and constant grazing in response to stressful / sad / difficult situations - it's now become a monster habit in itself and i feel like i don't know where to start in motivating myself to address it

whenever i sit myself down to plan structured eating, i immediately have lots of impulses to plan something too restrictive and also to include way too much exercise

i obviously fail to live up to this kind of plan almost immediately which triggers huge binges...

finding that 'middle path' of moderation feels just as elusive as any versions of 'perfect' eating / exercise / control any of our more bulimic selves might have ever been chasing

it is so much easier to respond to all the lonely, sad, difficult and frustrating times with food, i wish i knew what would motivate me to do something more positive in response

i am trying to do some work on my self-esteem / what i think about myself as i know this is really the problem, not the eating

but in the meantime i need to get a handle on the eating itself too - any practical tips for getting the routine established would be very very welcome - i have been on here for about a month now and have only managed even a 'day one' when away from home (and the usual worries / triggers) - would like to join so many of you on your successful recovery journeys!

thanks again for all your support xx

I can't take any credit for this - someone already pasted the link in one of the threads - i think one on procrastination but i can't find it anymore and i just really can't remember who - sorry! :(

But I have been using one of the free workbooks from this web link this week - the one on self esteem - and have found it quite useful. I guess it is really pretty basic CBT stuff. But depending on whether you have access to extra help / therapy at the moment, there could be some useful things here?

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

Hope you have all found something to be grateful for or happy with today.

Lots of love and positive thoughts xx

I just updated my 'about me'. When I first wrote that section I said I would update it when I had some more positive things to say about myself, when I really didn't have any at the time.

I'm under no illusion that the weeks and months ahead won't continue to be really challenging, but I am ready to take on that challenge - with the support of my wonderful friends - but also with my own strength and determination and the belief that I can and will succeed (these are definitely new too!).

I have been practising keeping in my mind statements which I genuinely believe (and am working slowly on adding to this list - and to matching my actions to my beliefs!):
- I am no longer someone who needs to purge or overexercise to cope with or get through the day.
- Taking moderate exercise for pleasure on a regular basis is great for my physical and emotional well-being.
- Following a plan for this is practical around work, but it's ok if I have to miss something or change activities some days.
- Eating with and cooking for other people can be a real pleasure and helps me to have perspective on what I'm eating.
- I'm at my best at work and in my personal life when I take enough time for myself in the evenings and weekends.
- It is much more straightforward than I sometimes imagine to prepare healthy breakfasts and lunches at home each evening for the next day. If I can't, it is ok to buy and eat similar alternative meals when I'm out and about.

There are still a lot of things I need to work on. There are statements I'd like to make about how I feel about myself and about binge-eating that I could write down but I still need to practise - I hope that I will be able to state with confidence one day not too far away that I am a kind and beautiful person who practises that kindness first on herself and believes in herself and her abilities. That would be amazing.

So I guess, watch this space...