trying to not bp
ahh. i woke up feeling so stronge. i have a pln of a yoga workshop, food with friends after, and then hanging out with my husband maybe going to a party later. I had a high protien + veggie juice shake this morning. and I am getting closer to the workshop but now i am feeling like i dont want to even go to yoga i just want to bp. Or maybe I can bp before the workshop. To stop myself I am writing this blog.
reasons i shouldnt bp:
i dont want to bp before yoga because my eyes and face will be puffy and i dont want to go to yoga and tihnk that everyone can tell what i was doing.
i dont want to have my head down the toliet with those automatic tears running down my checks.
i want to be able to tell my husband when he gets home that i didnt bp
i want to sit in yoga class and be proud and happy that i didnt bp already today
i want to be part of the yoga community, if i dont go everyone would talk
i invited like 5 friends and they are all going if i bail they will all be dissapointed
if i dont go after the workshop is over not only wull i regret bping but i would regret missing the workshop
i am tierd of being dissapointed in myself and crying. i would rather sit with this uncomfortable anxiety then cry and think i am a failiur.
i have been putting so many X's on my bulimia tracking calander, i want to put a !
3 comments
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Your plan sounds awesome. I wish I was going to a yoga workshop!!! I love how you posted all the reasons you don't want to b/p and I know you are really strong.
Is there something about your plan that makes you feel:
-anxious
- overly excited
- sad
etc?
Some thoughts:
I feel like sometimes the urge to b/p is physical, like because of an uncomfortable physical sensation like being full or too hungry. Or from being tired, not having energy etc.
Other times it can be from uncomfortable emotions...anxiety, stress, procrastination, or anything else!
I like trying to assess/ address the root issue...but the important thing now is to NOT B/P...YOU CAN DO IT! The root issue can also be addressed at a later time when you feel safe and comfortable.
Mandy
I agree that at time the desire to bp is physical, for me it is when I am just plain tired because I have been overworking, other times it is because I am over anxious. I think if you can track down the reason you are feeling this way it will help, though I know it is hard. But really, I have found the my ED is always masking another hidden, and sometimes difficult to admit to, emotion.
Take care and will be thinking about you!
i was feeling anxious and nervous our yoga community is very big and i am a really big part of it. but with ed consuming more and more of my life i havent been on the ygoa scene as much and i was alittle nervous about seeing everyone. and lately i have been wondering if they know what is going on with me. i also am really busy with school and i feel like there arnt alot of times i have the hosue to myself so i like to take advantage of that time with bp. i know so stupid.