Bulimia Help

I feel like I am on a really bad rollercoaster ride. One second I'm anxious, the next happy, then depressed, then elated, numb, exhausted.....and the list goes on. The past 5 days or so I've gotten the shittiest sleep in my life, to be blunt. Maybe 3 hours tops a night? Tonight better be good cause I have a free day tomorrow!

Driving back from school a thought randomly popped in my head... it was so sneaky too! It said, "B/p sounds like an awesome thing to do tonight." I immediately went "AHH" in my head and told my brain to shut up. I came home, the same thoughts occured again. But I know I'll be fine, ate an apple and I'm off to bed soon.

I think it is because I still am restricting...some days I wont and yesterday and today it's like I'm so afraid of gaining weight, especially because I have lost some weight since in recovery (cause I would b/p like a mothereffer, with all those unnecessary calories sitting in my gut, and now I eat normal, kinda!).

Being away from b/p'ing just rocks my world just because I am beginning to realize that I've missed out on so many things in life because of b/p'ing for hours each day. I feel slower mentally too, compared to pre-bulimia days. I also have social anxiety, which has gone down dramatically since I cleaned up my alcohol act, but I dont want it to perpetuate itself again by just ignoring my emotions and thoughts. It's hard at the moment to understand my thoughts when my brain is like a dog chasing a thousand thought-bones, but when I get a chance to wind down it's like Ah-ha! Now I see! but I also dont want to see! hehehe... I have to open my eyes in order to get better.