In therapy I mentioned how I am having the girls go and stay with their Dad and his parents for his week vacation from work in a few weeks. This plan began because I wanted a break. Not just from every day stuff, and taking care of the girls, but I want to not have any appointments, not donate plasma, not have any obligations for this one week for a change, but the secret was that I want to be free to take a real break from recovering, also.
It's not much of a secret because I have attempted this in the past and my therapist remembered. She said that I tend to not take good care of myself when I do that, and when I have time to myself like that. Sometimes I feel so alone I can't believe that she even catches on to my ED. I am grateful for her, and yet now that I brought it up we were talking about compromising on it a little. I even offered to maybe make it for like half of the week, she suggested maybe even just a few days. I told her I didn't want any appointments, but then I lied and said except the important ones,.. but in my head I was thinking I don't want even one thing to have to do that week. I don't get many chances to take breaks, and try to whenever I get the chance.
I am not even sure what I would do with 7 whole days and nights to myself. I know I wouldn't want to leave my apartment for any reason, except maybe to go to the pool. I think I would try to restrict but as long as there is food in the apartment I will eat, and if I restrict it'll just make me binge and I know it. It's been pretty obvious to me now for a while.
Today I ate a protein bar before I went to donate plasma, and totally forgot to eat any breakfast. Seriously forgot, I just remembered now. I ate a small lunch after, and that was around 1 in the afternoon. I cleaned my house like crazy during the night and started feeling so hungry that it wasn't funny. I thought I was just cranky because I was so tired from doing so much but it was me being really hungry. I thought about how I ate today and realized that I kind of was asking for it. I don't think I did it on purpose in any way but because I didn't eat enough, now I am soooo hungry. I guess I am still just not used to prioritizing food enough, even when I am trying to recover :( Part of living with an ED for so long, I guess.
I have been having trouble with seeing my weight when I go to the center to donate plasma. I peer over the counter to look, and today I just didn't-couldn't do it anymore. Rachel said she didn't know anyone in recovery who still looked at their weight. I realized how much trouble I go to to do just that when she said that, and yeah, if I know that no matter what the number was it was going to maybe hurt me, why look?
I am going to get back on it tomorow. I do still want that week, but I think it would be amazing if I could have and enjoy the week and be really be by myself,... without my ED.
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