what happened?
All I do is eat. Eat eat eat. I keep eating a couple food serving sizes. First it was chocolate, then ice cream, then brownies, then cereal. I keep making excuses how I'm doing better with mini binges, but it all adds up. I literally haven't done any homework, and I have a ton to do. I'm so tired, I missed my piano lesson, I've gained 5 pounds. Just two days ago I felt on top of the world after an awesome retreat. I was doing so well. Looks like I'm back on this crazy hell of a rollar coaster. I just want to get better, but I can't apply myself. I can't apply myself to anything, really.
I'm really hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I have an appointment with my councilor, who also went on the retreat and wrote me an amazing note that made me cry; it gave me hope for the first time in a long time. I hope the story I wrote, the story of how I've come to bulimia, will help her understand me better.
...I miss running. I miss my skinny, long legs, stretched and sore. Tan skin and sunkist hair. I miss summer, I miss me. This sounds so superficial....i just wish i looked and felt like myself again :/
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Tiddles665 » Slten2 Only problem is, I don't feel hungry :/ but I know i should get something, Urgh 58 sec ago |
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Slten2 » Tiddles665 Yes you should definatley have lunch! You need to fuel that body. X 3 min ago |
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Tiddles665 Should I get lunch or not =/ Umm i hate this part 5 min ago |
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*hugs* you can get back yourself. Eating is your body's way of telling you that it needs the calories! make sure it's not out of anxiety or stress though, we tend to be emotional eaters. one of the steps that I'm going through with recovery is separating my emotions from my eating habits, i know it sounds hard, but once you have it figured out in your head it helps out a lot!
Maybe try fruits/vegs when you want to go for the sweets? they may keep you full and provide your body with feel-good nutrients!
You are still the same person! There's just a little bit of fog/mist that will go away, try focusing on making yourself the best you can be!!
Take care! xxx
I can totally relate cuz I stopped purging about two weeks ago and I've gained exactly the same amount of weight as you did. I also think a lot about me being thin...
But I guess we will survive this difficult time period. The most important thing for now is that we recover from this ED and then everything should normalize.
Just don't give up. xx
this was my first blog entry, the first of many I have just decided.the support is so powerful <3
erinkraig, you just made me realize how caught up I am in this, I AM the same person. how could i forget that?
neira, it's always nice to know i'm not alone. sometimes i feel like it's all in my head and that i'm the only one, even when there are so many ppl out there with ED :P
i guess i need to really step back and think before i act so compulsively :/
I can completely understand you.. I went on vacation for days with my bf and it was lovely.. then the day we came back home, I felt so fat and discouraged that I was now stepping back into the cycle... I've gained 10pounds in the last month, and I hate it.. I can relate to your whole last paragraph.. But it's true we still are the people we were before we buried ourselves in ED's.. We "just" need to fight to get out of the pit we've thrown ourselves in, and we can, we were once normal, we can be again the strength is within each one of us... I hope sharing that paper with your counsellor helps and that they can be a support to you...
You're not alone! xoxoxoxo
FIGHTER
Find the courage to fight
Ignite the enthusiasm deep within you
Give 100% every day
Hold on to those who love you
Think positive
Endure the fear and doubt
Remember you're not alone
"STOP DIETING, START LIVING!"