These past few days my husband has been away for business and I have completely reverted to my old binging habits. Today I binged five times, one after the other from the moment i woke up until now. I hate that I love it. I hate that I am addicted to it. I hate that it ruins me from the inside out, both physically and psychologically.
I don't feel myself right now. And to make matters worse, I feel huge, bloated and puffy all over. I know people will notice when I go in to work tomorrow. I feel as though they are all staring at my scares on my hands; like they all know.
So, now I have stopped for a second and am thinking about why I have bulimia and why I can not seem to commit to recovery.
I don't think I consider myself a functioning bulimic; only because I never seem to put 100% into anything I do because I never have time to dedicate myself to anything other than my binges. But I have always gotten by in life, whether it is school, work or personal events. This definitely feeds into the "I can do it all and no one will ever know" thoughts, which is one reason why I am still binging and purging.
I still think irrationally when it comes to anything ED:
I go a day or two and I feel great. I feel like a whole different person-for the better. And then the minute I have the opportunity to binge and purge I grab it, even if I don't really want to. The ED monster inside me is telling me that if I don't take this opportunity to binge now I might not get another chance for some time. I know it sounds ridiculous, especially since there are always opportunities to binge. But I can only think of a few times when I have passed on a chance. And yet, I think I really do want to get better, recover and be ride of this secret life I live.
I am still stuck in the past:
So, why is it so hard? Sometimes I think that its a sign, telling me that recovery is not for me. This thought usually passes eventually, and I snap back into reality and rationalize why my recovery is difficult, (had ED behaviours since I was a child, came from a very body-consicous family, participated in sports where slim bodies are preferred, pleasing personality, etc etc). My life beliefs and values have been morphed over the years to idolize the perfect well-balanced women, physically attractive, strong minded and a competitor who strives off of winning and pleasing her family.
I keep on searching for the quick cure-all pill instead of doing the work:
I have always tried to recover. I have gone to therapy since I was twelve, seen a nutritionist, taken biology, psychology and nutritional science courses at university, thinking maybe what I need is a better understanding of the human body. Everything helps, but nothing has kept me ED free. I think for me, I need to address my biggest issue-myself-before I can ever be fully recovered. I have never liked myself. I see myself as a failure in sports, uneducated, dumb, and lost.
I think what did it for me was when I went to University and was taking all of these interesting courses about science, sociology and history, and I would leave campus wondering who I am suppose to be, am I good at this, why can't I remember everything?. I have always been defined by peers and colleagues as the athlete and it makes sense since I have had one goal since I was six and that was the Olympics. I got very very close and then I got sick. And then my coach dropped me, and everything went downhill from there.
No one would ever know that the whole experience killed me because I never dealt with it. I turned to bulimia/anorexia, partying, pretending to be normal and fit in.
I think I am no different than anyone else who is lost in this world and dont' know how to express their confusion or deal with their life.
The unfortunate part is that life continues regardless of what you are doing or not doing. So now, years have gone by and I have enrolled myself in various courses at various universities, thinking "maybe I am meant to be a sport therapist or maybe I am meant to be a business women and run my own company..." but each time I attempt a new chapter in my life and I get stressed or confused about what I am doing, instead of actually stepping back and thinking things through I just shut myself down and I binge and purge. and then I binge and purge again, and again, and again, until I am so behind in life stuff that I get too scared to start dealing with anything.
I think part of me thinks that if I can't do it right away or don't understand it right away that I am doomed to fail and am a idiot for even thinking I could in the fist place.
After writing this all down, I think I have come to a few conclusive thoughts about my recovery;
1. I am still in love with my ED
2. I do not spend enough time working on my recovery. ( I need to journal/blog/ and record my food and binges more, no, every day). I need to get my feelings out of me.
3. I need to be more appreciative of who I am, how I came to be and why I have this ED.
4. I need to put in the work in order to be more prepared for triggers.
5. I need to spend time falling in love with myself, (flaws and all). I know I can do this by getting back into Yoga and spending more time socializing with my friends.
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