We all have those moments
where we just want to melt into the ground. Bulimia can be a very embarrassing disease especially when someone catches you binging, when you have food all over your face or when you eat your roommates food and he or she goes bonkers on you. I feel like the worse in the later... Its happen many times and it embarrasses your core. People are judgemental by nature, and I get so frustrated at myself when I am caught in the act or someone confronts me about my food intake. Growing up whenever something was finished my mom would blame me and 90 percent of the time she was right. The thing is I never seem to learn to not touch other people's stuff, because when I am in the rampage I dont think of consequences. When I am out of the binge frenzy the embarrassment and shame hits me.
One extra reason to recover from Bulimia. Most important thing is not to judge your self and get past the embarrassment and shame.
I hate that I have to share this but I want this to be open to the world and to the universe I don’t want to keep it in.
I went to the therapist and I did not like him at all, I felt like he was over expensive, didn’t really know what he was talking about and moody. I don’t blame him, he probably is over worked and has a lot on his mind but the whole time I’m thinking that I am paying a hefty sum for this and he isn’t that great. I am not sure if it is me speaking or my bulimia. Anyways, when I left all I wanted to do was binge. I tried to snap myself out of it but I was already in that trance. I binged, it wasn’t a bad binge... i tried to not eat extra sweet thing becuase it just makes me feel so weak. I really wanted not to binge today, but when I was done with my therapy I needed to let out something. I don’t know what it was I just felt like I needed me time.
I am not angry with myself but I am at the same time disappointed. When will this end? Will it ever end? Every day is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Only thing I am glad about today is that I was able to keep my lunch in. I can only hope that I don’t binge before I sleep. I really don’t want too.... but when that disease mind set kicks in the demon in me is so strong. The voice that wants to get better doesn’t have a chance.
I feel like the hardest thing in the world is listening and knowing what my body needs and wants expeically when my body feels so week most of the time. I think my mind knows what is best for my body and then bam the binge starts. Every day is a struggle, even when there is no b/p I just have to struggle and have to constantly be aware.
here are a few things I am struggling with:
1- the ulcers in my mouth
2- my bags under my eyes and puff face!!!
3- the heartburn
4- having to control my constant omnipresent urge to let go and binge. Its always there for Gods sakes it just doesn't go away!!!!! Even when i think im least likely to want to binge It comes up.. no warning nothing it just comes up.
5- knowing when im really hungry
6 - dealing with people and lying through my teeth about things because i cant just tell them : sorry cant join you tonight because i had a massive binge purge session yesterday and I cant get myself to interact with anyone
7 - My horrible sleeping habits that leave me anxious and alone
8- always being afraid of the next hour... what if I get the urge to binge. It is so difficult to just lives through that. yesterday when i promised myself I wouldnt binge that evening so I could wake up ready for a binge free day I got this hot flash and felt like i had to binge. Its a pure addiction
9 - watching people enjoy there lives while im on a bus snogging down 5 donuts in a minute.
10 - getting bored when I dont binge. Is that normal. Im embarassed to say it but when i dont binge i dont know what to do with myself...
Here I am, the last three months have been a roller coaster. I am destined to stay this way forever? I do well then when I think I am strong enough I relapse and the hardest part is to get back into normal eating because I don’t know what normal eating is. Plus my physical symptoms are up in the air. My digestive tract is screwed up and I get acid reflux that keeps me up all night and I feel like my body just doesn't know how to get better. Who am I? Do I really want to get better? Yes I do, but why do I jump at every occasion to binge and purge.
Why can I not handle emotions without stuffing a donut in my mouth and feeling like I am taming those emotions? They all just come out in the end but the purging numbs my feelings out so they don’t come so intensely. Is that true? I am not sure.
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