Bulimia Help

Ok, I'm REALLY upset with myslef again. Last month I made big improvements - this month i set a target to continue the progress by cutting down on the number of binges and i've now had 3 already which is really bad. i don't know what sparked it today but i was absolutely fine then just went off on one and couldn't stop. i still want to eat more now even though i'm disgusted with myself. sometimes i'm doing really well then i just go really backwards. I HATE this so much and just want to get rid of it forever but really dont't know how :(

So...I'm on the verge of a binge now. I guess I am writing so that I won't b/p because I have been a bit out of control lately.

I just came home from work. I am depressed. I hate my job and I'm pregnant which means I'm stuck there until this baby is born. I wish I could leave it but financially, I can't afford to be without work.

I feel so empty- like there's nothing in my life that is exciting me. I used to have ambition and I feel like my dreams faded away. I always try to reach deep inside myself and ask myself "what do I want...what do I want NOW?" but sadly...nothing comes to me. I feel an emptiness inside, maybe that is where the bulimia comes in...to fill the void.

I also felt sick today...I felt tired, even though I slept enough, I have a headache and my throat hurts a little. I feel like I have a head cold or something. I just want to cry. I'm here alone in my apartment- my husband won't be home for a few hours. I know it is so easy for me to b/p right now and I even know that it will make me feel relaxed. But I don't do it...because I am trying to stop.

Instead though...I am crying.

This is not going well..I just cant stop....(in one sitting)

Huge bowl of cornflakes
Whole punnet of mushrooms,
whole bag of noodles,
Whole bag of bean-sprouts,
2 cheese and ham kievs,
mushy peas,
cheddar cheese,
boursin
2 fried eggs
Whole garlic baggette
7 slices of buttered toast
20 mini cup cakes
Half tub of ice-cream

and Im still eating...

I hate myself.

I'm having a really hard time right now. I had a few relatively good days when I was feeling so positive and wonderful about life, and then came the weekend. It started out innocently enough--wine and cheese on a Friday night with my husband and some friends. We just moved to a new city, so they're basically our only friends here so far. In my desperate attempts to become normal, I brought along two types of cheese and dark chocolate (I LOVE chocolate) to the party, and everything seemed fine. I drank wine, danced, was only mildly self-conscious about the way I looked, and tried to let go and just have fun!

Then, as Friday night wears on, our friends decide to order two huge pizzas from one of the best pizza places in town. Pizza shows up and I'm feeling fine and undaunted, not even hungry! I politely decline the pizza, at which time the only two girls (women I guess--they're in their late 20s), start prodding me and urging me to eat pizza!! "Have some!! Why aren't you eating pizza!? Seriously, EAT IT!" Okay, and please know that I am not very close with these two girls, they are the wives of my husbands best friends. So I'm totally confused as to why they're so focused on what I'm putting in my body. I continue to politely decline and tell them how I just enjoyed the wine, chocolate, and cheese and that I had already eaten dinner, but they continue to give me a hard time. "Just have a little!" They didn't stop until I finally had a small bite of my husband's pizza. ARG!!! I didn't even want it, and I felt like they made it their mission to get me to eat. Beginning of difficult weekend leading to Monday's downfall, exhibit A.

I can't stop. I've been bingeing and purging all morning. I'm stressed, annoyed, and just really freaking out. My throat hurts. I'm dehydrated. I'm depressed! I just don't have any control. There's that nagging urge inside me that won't let me not binge. I'm tired from it. I feel like I could sleep the rest of the day away and that would be better than eating and puking! Every time I think I might be making some progress I not only take a step backwards, I fall completely off the steps all together. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

yesterday i did pretty good. i had a lot of negative feelings and wanted to binge, badly. i made it through the day, but this morning i still want to. i want to eat everything i can get my hands on. i know it won't do me any good but the urge is so strong. then i will purge and feel even worse. ugh... i did the stupidest thing this morning and weighed myself. i'm not any more or less than the last time i weighed myself but somehow i was still upset and disappointed. i guess that's because no matter what i will view myself as fat and weighing too much. i'm so afraid that today is going to be horrible and i won't be able to stop myself from a serious b/p.

So.. i messed up really bad. It happened last night, and I'm pretty surprised by it. I didn't purge but I still binged. ALL day yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy about the amount of food I had been eating lately. I was just trying to listen to my body and eat what sounded good, but I was eating too much. I got home from my b/f's house.. feeling pretty crappy and just let loose. WOW. I hadn't done that in SO long. Probably almost a month. The crazy thing is.. I woke up not feeling crappy this morning though. I was wanting to eat AGAIN. So, I did. I ate. A normal amount.. which I am proud of. But now, I'm just here. Pissed at what I did, mad at my body and how it looks, and frustrated because I just want to look and feel good.
It's good that I'm not all that affected by the binge. I'm able to get over it, and move on quickly... but the BODY image thing, and the NOW WHAT thoughts are kinda flooding me.

Do you all recommend the freedom eating still or maybe add a little more structure? What helps you all?

need to eat...(or do i? imean, maybe the hunger was emotional?) see myself, cant allow myself the food because I look so big.... so i binge, so I can eat. then I have to get rid of it.

how can i get out of this oh so familiar cycle??

So, I WAS two and a half days without a binge. Was. I did make it to two and a half days, which is more than I can say for who knows how long, but the fact of the matter is, I messed up. I was hungry all day so I ate healthy food all day (which is good) and I tracked it (which is even better). I was at about 1500 calories around 6:30 when I left work. I should have gone home and ran, but I decided to skip my work out and go to Target (my all time favorite B/P place and home decorating store). I was strong enough to go there yesterday, but today... not so much. I walked in, bought what I needed to, walked out and then it hit me like a ton of bricks- I was hungry and I freaked out. I walked back into Target, filled my shopping cart with 5 boxes of cookies and 2 pints of ice cream and headed for the register. Half way there, I looked down and thought to myself "walk away... don't give up, you are almost done with day 3". I literally walked away from the cart and left it in the middle of the store. I walked to the doors and then turn around and ran back to the cart. Am I serious? That is so ridiculous. What set me off was the thought that I had "already blown my day so what's the point". Why do I have these thoughts? Why can't I just quit this? Why, why, why?

I am proud that I went two and a half days, but I am dissapointed that I slipped up. I am now scared that I am going to fall back into my old habits. I felt so incredibly strong yesterday and I just KNEW that I would keep "staying clean", but I couldn't. I am so dissapointed. I don't know what to do and could use some words of enouragement...

sigh...

Feeling fine today, had a re-lapse last night, I remember drinking 1 beer in order to "Chill myself out" but now I'm thinking that maybe I drink just because I know it’s the only state in which I will allow myself to binge. The only state where logic cannot intervene when I am intoxicated.
I felt so hungry and I remember feeling disappointed in myself before the binge, I remember recalling all the things I HADN'T achieved and which I was guilty of failing in and I just wanted to eat. Just to eat and fill an ever-widening void. My friend was sitting on the bed, I thought if I could just tell her how I felt without her jumping down my throat or making me feel like I'm some sort of regurgitating monster, maybe I could talk through this binge-purge-urge and would not have to do it.
Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but now I think about it I felt exactly the same after the binge and purge as I did before - like I really needed a hug.
How sad is that?