Bulimia Help

okay, I made it to day 7 without a binge, and then I binged tonight.
But it wasnt an emotional binge.. i starved myself all day! so I guess my body was mad at me for not feeding it.
Now i feel like shite because of too much sugar in my system,. no more skipping meals!
i HAVE to stick to my meal plans!

Im so proud of myself,. in 3 months, ive gone from binge eating every day, sometimes even twice,.. fasting on and off.. sometimes doing week long water fasts, blacking out, lacking energy,. feeling foggy etc to eating 3 meals on most days! im proud of me!

i want to shoot for another 10 days symptom free.

i think if I set myself little challenges, ill get there. After I make it to 10 days symptom free, Ill shoot for 14 days. Im rewarding myself with a nice dress tommorow :)
so from tommorow, im going for 10 days, eating ALL my planned meals, no skipping meals, no binge eating and at least 30 mins of excercise 5 times a week. Ill think up another reward once i make it to that goal.

It takes time and effort, but it can be done!

I feel addicted to food sometimes. It's an awful feeling. I don't even enjoy food or eating anymore...I just feel like I need to and like I think about it all the time.

It depresses me. I know there are many reasons for this...reasons that I am beginning to examine. I know that food or purging won't make me feel better. Maybe it did in the beginning but now it's just a never ending cycle. I feel gross all the time. I feel like I start eating and I can't stop.

I came home tonight and I started eating chocolate (yes- I have chocolate in the house now, it's not my decision...). I caught myself in time to realize "wait, I'm hungry and have no energy." So I stopped eating chocolate and made myself a yogurt with fruit and nuts. I felt better about this and yeah, I needed to eat something anyways but then I ate a bowl of pasta with my husband. OK- its dinner it's not so bad. I just felt bad because I was full and didn't need to eat the pasta too...I could have waited till later. I felt like I couldn't stop and even when I did, I wanted to eat more and then purge.

This disorder...this addiction is driving me crazy! I wanted to come home tonight and write in my journal about my therapy session. I still will...later. Now I'm off to the gym to work out because I HAVE to...or at least I feel like I do because I ate so much today.

I'm just scared that when I come home I'll want to binge. I hope I don't...........

Hey! I'm sorry that i haven't been here for a while, but i have had problems with my computer. I really, really missed you! :)

During my absence I've been actually doing pretty well, at some point i managed to achieve 4 days without binging, which is a huge step forward for me. But, unfortunately, something has changed and this week is really hard, i binge every day and it makes me pretty depressed :/ Those binges caused some problems at school, because when i binge i can't focus on anything else + i feel really week because of the purging. I have a really important exam this saturday and i should study, but right now all i can think about is food. Ugh... I hope tomorrow's gonna be better, 'cause otherwise... i don't know. I'm so tired. It's just really discouraging.

So here I am. Binged today. Purged afterwards. I'm soo angry and sad. I know it's too early to expect too much, but i thought I'll be able to have... well, at least more than one day without b/p. But it seems like one day is all i can do right now. And that's pretty discouraging.

On the other hand, there are two good things about this day. First, I'm really surprised, but somehow I've managed to stop my binge at some point. That's something I've never done before... and I'm proud. As a result, the binge wasn't really big (so i can't explain why on earth i've purged afterwards :/ ). The second thing that i'm proud of - the first thought after my binge was "okay, i fucked up so i'm gonna starve myself till the end of the week", but then it was "heey, wait! you've binged, right, but you cannot starve now because it's gonna be even worse!". So i went to this lovely page, read some of your advices and decided to try again tomorrow, just like today's binge never happened. And that's the other thing that i'm proud of :)

So i guess i just have to forgive myself, though i still feel crappy after this b/p. But maybe it's gonna be better, maybe next time i'll be able to stop binges for longer.

I had such good intentions for today (most days funnily enough).

I didn't purge last night and thought, ok, I'm ok.
I just don't need a whole lot of food today, that's all it means.
So, I ate moderately.
Not being hungry for long, and not stuffing myself til near bursting at the seams.

well, that was until now, after watching a film on tv I started eating cereal, toast, etc...
and just didn't stop!

I don't get it!
I wasn't nervous, or anxious, or feeling down, or worried, or stressed!
I just reached for food, any food, quickly ...and for what???
now I'm full.
Now I feel guitly, down, depressed, worried and stressed! (about the weight)
But I'm sticking to my no purging resolution.

damnit I will get over this!
I just wish I knew what the problem was then I could fix it!!

aargh!

Day 18 is screwed up. I screwed up! Big time! There is NOTHING left in the fridge... Thanks God because I'd still be there... How pathetic I am, right...

Now, I don't need support. I already know that tomorrow is a new day and I have to forgive myself for this slip. Yup, I know that... I just have to do it though! We all know how hard it is... So I will need some time... a lot of time! Actually, what I really need is someone to kick my ass... because I can't seem to be able to do it myself. It would be great to have someone to stand in front of the fridge 24/7 to stop me when I feel to binge. Oh, I have way too much imagination...

I just wanna yell... It is so hard... Arrrgggghhh!!!

I just came back from the gym where I kicked my ass on the treadmill and I don't even feel better... Crap! I'm stressed... I didn't binge today but I overeated so I feel like shit... like that I've gained 10 pounds... I know that it is impossible... My brain is playing with me... I hate that...

I don't know what to write tonight. But I know for sure that if I stop writing that I'm going to visit the fridge which is obviously a very bad idea... So I'm just keep writing until it passed. I really want to make it through day 7. Tomorrow won't be day 1... I can't go back there... It's too hard!!!! Ok, here are the things that I've learned in the last 7 days.

1- I'm feeling more in control of myself as I can stop myself before the binge
2- I'm more confident as I believe that I can do this!
3- People told me that I look happier these days which is true... except when I got a binge attack but there is usually no people around when it happens.
4- I have more energy - physically and mentally
5- I have more time
6- I'm not bloathed anymore!
7- I'm learning to deal with my feelings without using food... Yeah, I have cried a lot these days and for no good reasons... Side effect of breaking an addiction I believe...
8- Food tastes better when I'm physically hungry!
9- I have saved soooo much money!

There are probably more but that's the ones that just crossed my mind. Ok, it's late and I'm tired so I'm just gonna go to bed... I know I'm crazy but it worked! I just saved myself a binge tonight.

Stay strong! Good night:)

I don't get what's going on with my binge-eating lately.

In the past, my binges have been all about trying to avoid uncomfortable or negative emotions, like anger or sadness or even just anxiety due to being overloaded with school work. But, over time, I've learned to manage my emotions in other ways. The problem is, now it seems that I just binge and purge for the hell of it, just because it's out of habit, and it seems "fun" at the time.

Last night, I had a really great date. I walked into my house feeling excited and happy, and then I just randomly decided to binge. It just SEEMED like a good idea at the time. And then, today, I had a productive session with my therapist. I left feeling happier and more understood, yet I headed straight to the nearest buffet and gorged.

It's really frustrating. I am clearly holding myself back from getting better. It's like I'm trying to sabotage my happiness and my sanity. Like I get bored with being happy. Ugh.

Binged today. Then purged. Then binged again, but I didn't have possibility to purge afterwards. Maybe it's better, i know i shouldn't do it, but I feel like a piece of crap now. Two days, I was able to stop b/p for only two days. Shit, i hate it so much.

I was talking with my mum today. I told her that I might wanna try going to the library after school, so i could learn there. I said that in home everything is distracting me. And she was like: "yeah, like the fridge for example, right? the fridge must be sooo distracting for you..." I know she was joking, and i know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings because she doesn't even know about my bulimia, but... damn, it hurts. Is it THAT obvious that i have problems with food? Damn, if she knew...

Of course, tomorrow I'll start fighting again, but I don't know how many more times I'll be able to start again. I don't know if i have the strength to do it. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know :(

(sorry if i made any mistakes, it's hard to write something in foreign language when you're sooo pissed off)

I hate the fact that i just binged.. and i hate even more that i didnt puke.. after stuffing my face until my cheeks hurt i chose not to puke.. because i want to stop this.. but i know ill get like 2 extra pounds.. i am SO afraid! i dont wanna be fat.. and im thinking about puking right now.. and i think i will.. just for today.. i wish i was stronger!