Bulimia Help

So I binged last night - the past week I have binged and purged every two days. Last night I binged and I really didn't want to purge, so I didn't - which I thought I was proud about, but I feel miserable today. I desperately want to stop bingeing. Please help.

My stomach really hurts today and I don't want to eat. : (

today i knew it was going to be bad. i hate my job. i hate how unappreciated i am there. i got into a car accident yesterday. my room mates are slobs.

let me start off with this. i had a normal breakfast. a rather large lunch. an hour later a cereal bar and then a ton of water to calm down because i was slipping away.

i went to work had my snack. apple and a single serve bag of popcorn. came home ate my dinner (kashi cereal mixed with puffed wheat). then i ate another cereal bar. tried to calm down with a cup of tea.

my boyfriend came home and i made him a sandwich and had another helping of my cereal combo (about an hour 1/2 later). he went to sleep. i couldnt sleep. got up felt frenzied (for my friend had me talking her out of suicide for 2 hours) and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and i grabbed a spoonful of peanut butter on my way out of the kitchen.

this is what i consider a spaced out binge. i feel the effects of regret coming on. ive been petrifed of gaining weight due to my normal eating habits for the past week and this just tops the cake. i feel utterly out of control. under the influence of my emotional eating/ food addiction.

whats worse is it wasnt even "healthy" peanut butter and jelly. it was your typical white bread, squeeze jelly and full sugared peanut butter.

i know it takes 3500 calories to gain a pound but i'll be darned if i dont get this under control soon i will be gaining weight in the near future. i know i shouldnt fret this now but i remember when i was recovering from anorexia the weight gain pushed me into bulimia and utter food obsession just followed right on after.

i figure my triggers were stress and anxiety of my life.

This sucks a ton. Last night I binged, think around 2000 calories downed in 10-15 minutes. I came to my senses right at the end, right before I purged. I couldn't let myself do it, but it drove me insane. Literally to tears and violent out bursts. Nobody was around and nothing serious was damaged, but wtf? Anybody else experience this? Any advice on how to stop a freakout?

I'm sorry for writing another blog. But, I hafta. I have been HUNGRY all day. it isn't just a binge urge... I'm hungry. I can't take it anymore. I'm so sick of working out, trying SO hard to eat normally, and I still binge. I seriously think the next step into my recovery is to work out less. I know this doesn't really sound like a healthy choice, but I really think it will be.

I think I over exercise and I use it as an excuse to eat "bad" things. I cannot use exercise as my crutch anymore.

This is going to be really hard. Working out is a HUGE part of my life... but it's TOO big of a part. I am excited though because I'm hopefully getting a job (have been to 2 interviews) and if I have a job, I'll have less time to work out or/and binge.

I don't know if anyone else has done this.... but was reducing exercise apart of anyone elses recovery?

I am so sick of fighting with my mind day and night. I take OTC sleep meds and still stay awake most of the night. I have made it through 3 days without purging but I am so sick of bingeing at night. I know I won't keep not purging if I continue to binge every night. This may sound bad but I am not willing to get fat in the process of recovery. I may be wrong but I don't think recovery means I need to gain weight. In some people's opinion I am in my weight range but I definitely would feel better with less weight on me. I know that it takes time to beat the bingeing but I don't think I can keep on struggling so bad and just not do anything about it. Tomorrow I have to not binge or I will not keep going with my recovery. I feel very hopeless about this e.d. lately. I have struggled with this for 10 years and enough is enough. I don't want to die but to be honest I wouldn't care if I did so I wouldn't have to fight this bulimia anymore. I get scared when I get in this mind set. I am just feeling extremely low. I started self harming this week for the first time. I have asked for help and seem to be getting no where with that. I am going to bankrupt from all the dumb binge food I buy. I get so sick of hearing people say then just stop. I would have stopped a long time ago if it was just that simple. I used to be anorexic in the very beginning and everyone was concerned when my bones were sticking out. Well I am struggling just as badly now even though my bones aren't sticking out. What else do I need to do to get people to see that I need help and I can't seem to help myself right now. This bulimia must die or I will.

Damn!!! Damn!!! Damn!! I binged again. A pretty standard binge so I feel uncomfortably full and sick from the sugar rush but not in actual pain, although I dont think I could lie on my stomach right now!! I know it must be because I'm stressed about getting my bone density checked, my partner is going to a bucks night tomorrow and mum left homemade blueberry cheesecake in the fridge that I had planned to have ONE portion of........unfortunately that didn't turn out well and now there is only 1/4 out of the 3/4 of the cake that was left in the fridge. Sigh, then there was a copious amount of chocolate....and 3 mini party pies...and throw in a few twisties while your at it....Damn. What annoys me the most is that I don't seem to zone out as much when I binge now that I'm really putting my all into recovery. So the whole time I was thinking, I'm not purging, I can stop this now and I knew I was going to regret it. But for some reason I just kept going, I was getting that rush you know?? There was even one point where I said to myself (in my head) I can stop this if I just think about what I'm doing but at the same time I was reaching for more chocolate to shove in my stupid fat disgusting face! ARGH what the hell?? Why does this disease have to be so shameful and greedy?? Plus, I am stressed about my bones but still didn't stop myself from bingeing!!!! Thank-god that thought helped stop the urge to purge! Another reason I'm not going to purge is because I think my metabolism is actually kicking back in and if I purge I may halt that process once again. I'm thinking maybe having chocolate etc everyday is making me crave sugar even more so I may try sticking to structured eating and having treats only when I'm out or with other people for the time being?? Dunno if this is a good idea or not though?? The treats seem to work but not if I'm home alone!!! Ahhhhhhhhh FMBRAIN!!! Scratch that, FUCK bulimia!

For the past ten days I have been writing down every single thing that I consume, including binges. I have found that it really helps me be responsible for what I eat, and it helps me be more conscious of my binges. When I first started out, I could eat multiple boxes of candy, boxes of cereal, tubs of ice cream, etc.

Now, after writing down what I eat for a while, my binges are smaller. It is really nice. So my binges now consist of only cereal, for example. I am working really hard on whittling this down to not bingeing daily, and I am looking forward to when my binges diminish completely.

Also, I have found that drinking a lot of tea and having plenty of fruits/veggies available helps me not want to binge as bad. It is still really REALLY hard not to binge... but having the right tools around and taking responsibility for my actions makes a huge difference.

I have been finding it VERY hard to be okay with eating meals, and also I can't stop bingeing, therefore, I can't stop purging. My recovery was going good for the first week, and now, it's going nowhere.

I also think this is extra hard because I am kinda chubby, and that makes me feel even more depressed about myself. I feel totally worthless most of the time, and I can't figure out what to do, where to start, how to address this.

I am thinking about talking to one of my friends about it, but I'm not sure if I can trust anybody with my deepest feelings, my biggest insecurities and my biggest secret.

Every calorie I consume makes me feel more and more worthless. I am so confused and lost.

So, I have had a penny drop moment. I had a binge this afternoon, and had a pause mid way. This was a deliberate strategy. I had time to sit with what I had eaten and tot up the amount of calories etc. Well. I decided not to carry on. (that was really really hard) I also decided not to puke.

This was hard (and still is as that is why I am writing this) I want to puke because the food I ate was fatty and salty and full of carbs. I want to puke because I dont want to get fat and I am scared of rejection.

THESE ARE LIES!!!

I dont want to puke because I want to have 'normal' relationship with food. I dont want to because it hurts and I feel dreadful after.

If I dont puke I will have that food in me digesting. Far from being awful that is a good thing. It means that I will be less likely to binge next time- as I am full and I have allowed myself to eat the 'forbidden' foods that I usually deprive myself of. So infact... potentially; (unless it gets out of hand) the idea that bingeing without purgine = obesity is also a lie.

I worked out that my half binge was like a very large meal. And people have those who eat normally- they are just less hungry the next meal, or dont need a snack. So... I can do it too; so what it wasn't at the time when 'main meals' are eaten. I was hungry; whether it was emotional or actual hunger is another matter for discussion another time.

So... if you got through this post... have you ever stopped half way through a binge?

My binge-eating is just getting worse and worse. It's so discouraging.

Today I was given an entire pizza for free at work. The second they handed it to me, I knew I was just going to go home and binge on it. I rushed home and even ate some of it on the way because I was so impatient and just wanted to get some of that food in my mouth. I ended up eating the whole twelve-inch pizza and threw in a bowl of cereal as well. I spent the next hour purging and purging and purging. Then later on, I binged on a huge bowl of oatmeal, a bowl of spaghetti, three pieces of bread, and some Skittles. I feel so out of control.