Bulimia Help

I just can't stop doing it, and noticing.. those ROLLS of flub and chubb on my inner thighs, tummy and love handles. I hate them, I can't stop grabbing at them and feeling how big they've gotten since my bingeing has gotten out of hand. It makes me so sad, unhappy and depressed. My bf says he doesn't notice that I've gained weight, and that it doesn't matter to him. But I STILL KNOW. I know it's there, I see it, I feel it, and I dunno what to do. Can we even get over this?? It's leading me into depression...

Lately I've been trying to improve my body image and what I think of myself. It's one of the main things that I (and most of you too) struggle with on a daily basis. I restrict food for the perfect body and that leads to binging and ultimately purging...again, for the "perfect" body.

There is no "perfect" body. Not anywhere. On earth. In the universe. No one will ever have one. Not me. Not you. Not the celebrities either.

So, what's the point of trying? So that I can keep chasing something that will never be?

I'm slowly getting over it. I'm sick to death of thinking about my body. I'm sick of trying to look like something that doesn't exist, something that photoshop and airbrushing creates in the magazines. Life is way too short to be obsessing about the way I look. I need to live my life. I need to love myself so that I can love others. I need to believe my boyfriend when he tells me I'm beautiful. I just want to be happy and healthy, not sad and sick.

xoxo

For the last year, I was abusing my mother's anti-depressant whose side effect is weightloss. She stopped using it, I stopped stealing it, and I feel like I have really gained weight. I seriously feel huge all the time and I know I eat a lot, but I also exercise for two hours a day (more or less) five or six days a week. I don't feel attractive at all and I really, really want to lose weight but I don't want to go back to super restrictive ways.. I guess this is my body getting tired of being so hard on itself..

I also haven't had my period for almost a year and a half and I feel like if I do get it, I'll have failed because that means I have more fat than I did before. No one will tell me I'm heavier, which is what I need to hear in order to stop eating so much.

When I think about it, though, I know that being five or ten pounds thinner won't make me happy, not even a little. I'll be stressed, pale, depressed, cold and volatile towards my family and friends like I was last winter when I was pretty tiny (for my 5'9 frame).

I just want to feel like I'm attractive as I am. Or that i'm worth a shit. So ready to be over this.

Why is it so hard to be nice to myself??

i dont know why i have this obsession over my inner thighs.
i can't stop grasping at them! and wishing they'd be gone.
i really don't have a problem with anything else in my body - it's just my inner thighs.

the most important thing for me right now is to be me, as a whole person, not a thigh.

gosh, my life is so much bigger than inner thighs!

Every day when I come on this site, I am amazed as I read entries and see photographs of other sufferers of ED's. What amazes me most of all, though, is that I know that all of you, like me, hate the way you look. You hate your bodies and many of you probably also hate your faces as well.

But when I look at your pictures, I can honestly say that if we were the same age, I would have LOVED to look like many of you! I look at some of your photos and am just amazed that you do not see how beautiful you are. And I wonder who or what happened to make you turn against yourself, just as I wonder who or what turned me against myself.

What event or events made me dislike my own body to the point I am willing to punish it, be in pain and misery and even risk death, just so I can look a certain way that seems acceptable. Acceptable to WHO??? Who made those rules, anyway??? Why do we have to follow someone else's rules about how WE should look? Can I just ask who made them boss of the rules?? Because I want to talk to whoever is the boss so we can get this thing changed to something more realistic, something we can live with and not hate ourselves everyday for. I want to know why we started believing we needed to live up to THEIR (whoever THEY are) set of expectations of what WE should look like.

Because if we can ever uncover that secret, we can destroy its power and we can be free.

Isn't that what our eating disorders are all about? Looking a certain way because that's what others expect of us and somewhere along the line we began expecting it too?

Every day we face the choice over and over and over again.

1. Risk death trying to be thin.
2. Give up trying to be model thin and risk gaining weight.

And the $20,000 question is.......which one will win?

We all know how the media manipulates us each and every single day...

I posted a couple of videos.

http://wp.me/AhpO

Spread the word. Become aware of yourself.

We are unique.
Don't compare!!!!

Love,

Grace

So, I posted a few days ago about going on a first date yesterday... so this is the follow up. And forgive the slightly off topic blog entry - but input would be nice!

Everything went OK-and the guy was nice, and I even find myself attracted to him on a physical level... but there are things that make me think that is so not the right thing for me.

I can see that I'm attracted to him because I get a feeling of being accepted & he's obviously attracted to me. I dated a guy briefly in the last few years when I was moving towards my worst time w/ bulimia (behavior wise & b/p wise) and I couldn't handle it - I couldn't handle the intimacy & I was SOOO insecure about my body.

But, there are some things about this guy that kind of make me stop & think... First-he's ten years older than me (37-and he doesn't look that old...) Second, it seems there may not be enough in common to keep this thing going. Third, he mentioned off handedly that he went to rehab at one point in his life... (hello?!?!? he told me that on a first date??). And finally- I live in a small town that is full of gossipers-and I don't think I want anything to do with that kind of drama.

But, I see an opportunity to have some sort of relationship with a man that could potentially be healing on some levels- in terms of my sexuality & how I feel about myself. This is something that I'm working on w/ my therapist right now, so it's interesting how things can be synchronistic like that.

So I'm going on a first date this Sunday with a guy that I know has had a "thing" for me - for a while. But I'm freaking out in my head over this.

When I think about men & dating - I can feel myself becoming self conscious and uncomfortable. I've come really far with my recovery, but I'm nervous about the idea of being intimate with anyone. Not that I will necessarily get to that point with this guy.

It has been a while since I've dated anyone, too - so I can't stop obsessing about this... and I HATE being like that... I want this to be fun - not nerve wracking!!

I was watching Wheel Of Fortune last night with my fiance and two of the contestants were pretty overweight - one in particular. But they both seemed so happy and especially the heavier one. She had such a bubbly personality and I wondered if that was the real her or just a mask she uses in public. Does she cry at night like I do? Does she feel like a failure? Is she afraid of food, yet addicted to it at the same time? I wondered all these things while watching her. I wondered if she was embarrassed about being on national television. If she was self-conscious like I would be. I don't even know if I could actually bring myself to go on the show (even though I want to be a contestant SO bad! Yes, I am a Wheel dork - haha, kinda punny... ok I need to stop).

Earlier this month, my husband and I were at a friend’s wedding in the interior of BC, Canada (and it is gorgeous there!!). I did not know anyone there, except for my friend, who is actually more my husband’s friend. BUT, I was looking forward to our trip and the wedding celebration.

During my eating disorder struggles, an event like this would have stressed me out w-e-e-k-s in advance. I would have restricted my food intake to make sure I fit into my tiniest clothes and “look good.” I would have worried about what kind of food would be served there and about losing control and starting to binge (which wouldn’t have been the first time at a dinner buffet). I would have worried about me not knowing anyone and being alone, having no one to talk to, being the outsider…. None of this came to mind. I was there, having fun. People came up to me to talk, and I went up to them to start a conversation. I did not care about the size of my hips or what size my clothes were - that did not matter. There was no pressure to look a certain way. No starving ahead of time. No worrying about what food would be served. No worrying about me not knowing anyone there.

During my struggles, the scale was my best friend and my worst enemy at the same time – just like food was. I would weigh myself a couple of times a day and this number would determine my mood. It literally ruled my life. I was a slave to the scale.

Today, I don’t weigh myself anymore. In fact, I don’t even own a scale. And to be honest, I could not care less about how much I weigh. I like the way I look, I feel good in and about my body and that is all that counts.

By getting rid of your scale,
you are freeing yourself from a crucial part of your eating disorder!