Bulimia Help

I'm a nurse struggling with bulimia. Every day is a battle. Food is my enemy yet at the same time, my best friend. I love food, I love to cook, I love to eat, but I cannot trust myself with food. Binging gives me a high. I look forward to binging, but I know that it will result in a low that destroys my every bit of worth. Guilt, anger, loss of control, anxiety, depression, failure. So why do I keep doing it? I do not know. I envy those who can relax around food, eat what they want at a moderate portion and not even think or obsess over what they just ate. I wish I could relax and enjoy food the way we're supposed to. It is like a person inside of me is controlling me when it comes to food. I am impulsive and I am like an addict. I binge on heavy, rich foods. Cheese, crackers, cookies, cereal, cake, chocolate, ice cream... I call them the C's. These food calm a storm in me, only to bring in a new one. I tried giving them up for lent, hoping that 1) it is for God, so maybe this will be a new way of controlling it, and 2) its a way for me to give up my binge foods so I cannot binge. How long did it last? Less than a week. Felt like a failure, and binged real hard for days after restricting myself. I try not to buy foods that I would binge on, but there is always something I will find or make when i'm in binge mode. If it's not around, I'll go out and get it, especially when the impulse to binge is intense.

Hey guys, I have a separate blog that's not connected to this site. It's called BYE BYE BULIMIA.
I've been writing on this blog for a few months now. I've found that writing is like a type of therapy for me. Anyway, here's the link:
http://byebyebulimia-hellohappiness.blogspot.com/
I update weekly!
Thanks

Diana Speeches

Speech given by Diana, Princess of Wales on "Eating Disorders"
27th April 1993

Ladies and Gentlemen

I have it, on very good authority, that the quest for perfection our society demands can leave the individual gasping for breath at every turn.

This pressure inevitably extends into the way we look. And of course, many would like to believe that Eating Disorders are merely an expression of female vanity - not being able to get into a size ten dress and the consequent frustrations!

From the beginning of time the human race has had a deep and powerful relationship with food - if you eat you live, if you don't you die. Eating food has always been about survival, but also about caring for and nurturing the ones we love. However, with the added stresses of modern life, it has now become an expression of how we feel about ourselves and how we want others to feel about us.

Eating Disorders, whether it be Anorexia or Bulimia, show how an individual can turn the nourishment of the body into a painful attack on themselves and they have at their core a far deeper problem than mere vanity. And sadly, Eating Disorders are on the increase at a disturbing rate, affecting a growing number of men and women and a growing number of children.

Our knowledge of Eating Disorders is still in its infancy. But it seems, from those I have spoken to that the seeds of this dis-ease may lie in childhood and the self doubts and uncertainties that accompany adolescence. From early childhood many had felt they were expected to be perfect, but didn't feel they had the right to express their true feelings to those around them - feelings of guilt of self revulsion and low personal esteem. Creating in them a compulsion to 'disolve like a disprin' and disappear.

I have been thinking lately about how oblivious I am to everything since the start of my e.d. 10 years ago. I will be talking to people and they will ask me things about politics, news, current events, movies, music,etc. I will have no clue what they are talking about. It is like they look at me like where have you been all these years? If they only knew...I have been consumed with food/weight and I don't know about anything else. I have even lost touch with my family and feel emotionally disconnected from all of them except my mom. Then the people I work for will ask me what I have planned for the weekend and I just make up a bunch of stuff. Sometimes I feel like saying well to be honest I will be by myself all weekend, make trips to the store for food, and binge and purge. I feel like such a loser. I am 28 years old and what a waste of my life. I always just assumed I would be married and have kids by now. I just would have never thought my life would be like this. I hope it doesn't continue like this. I can't take much more.

Its back big time...
Please god make it stop... gaining weight again after I've been working so hard on it trying eating healthy and jogging.
Fat again and hopeless..
I wish i knew how to end it ;(((((

EDIT-this post makes me seem really ungrateful, but I'm not. I am thankful for everything God has given me, and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

For the past few years I have been in and out of school because of my eating disorder. In high school I had to be on homebound because I could hardly leave the house. Bulimia has taken everything away from me. I have spent the past 4 years trying to lose the same 30 pounds so I can finally feel comfortable in my body. I finally did it this past summer..I truly thought it was a miracle. But I was still bingeing and purging once a day and completely depressed. It made me realize the I am just as unhappy underweight as I am overweight. But it did give my life a little meaning..finally being successful at one thing for once. But guess what? I had NO ONE to share it with. Not one single friend left after isolating myself for the past 4+ years. And when I did try getting together with someone it was awful...its like in the past 4 years my personality has died. I'm just a shell.

Well,
I am now 13 weeks pregnant. It is 4 weeks since I saw my scan and have another one in a weeks time. I am panicking that the baby has died or that I have done something that has meant that it is disabled or not developing properly.

It is totally reliant on me, but I am not even able to look after myself properly at the moment so I am a little concerned that I am not going to cope.

I have basically come off my antidepressants- still taking a minimal dose every other day. I guess this is going to make things harder- but I dont want to have my baby having withdrawal because I couldnt cope for a few months feeling blue. ( the doctor has advised me to come off them completely by easter)

I feel so fat and ugly. My skin is awful. I feel lazy and tired, and I just dont want to do the exercise that I used to love and to do to beat the urge to binge and to 'mop up' after i binged.

I have heard horror stories of women putting on heaps of weight in pregnancy and not losing it. I dont want that to be me. Im scared. But i am still bingeing.

But I am more scared that I am harming my baby,.

Okay, so i know what most of you are going to say or what most of you think you should say due to the simple nature of the title of this book, but i wanted to get some opinions on this book. I bought it last night cause ive always wanted to read it and i found it at a half price book store. If you have not read it, please look it up before you comment bc its not a pro skinny book, per say, but deals more with how to eat healty and wholey in order to feel your best. I guess the downside of it is that it does label foods as bad but sometimes it pisses me off when therapists or other people say 'no food is bad in moderation'. I mean, i get that i wont gain 20 lbs from a mcdonalds hamburger but consider the meat they use there to the meat i could use in a home made turkey or veggie burger with tons of amazing fresh cooked vegetables and a 100% wheat bun. See the point kind of? hamburgers aren't bad but eating the sh*t at fast food restaraunts is. make sense? i guess i am wondering if anyone has read this or has an opinion on whether or not you think it is or will be 'triggering' for me. I really want to get healthy here. I am tired of feeling sore or tired or groggy or out of it and most of it is due to the food i put in and purge out of my body. This book teaches what is in the foods we eat, how eating sugar causes a certain chemical reacton in your body and fat cells build up around your organs to protect them from this chemical and how to eat, and LOVE the food you eat to become as healthy and natural as you can, so that you can feel amazing and love yourself.

so, thoughts?

Message a/b bulimia:

She binged in secret. She felt out of control.

She vomited after bingeing.She felt shame and guilt.

Her fingers were bruised.She had low self esteem.

Her face was swollen.She obsessed over her body image.

Her tooth enamel weakened.She was in denial.

Her electrolytes were unbalanced.She was depressed.

She abused laxatives.She almost died.

My thoughts on the above:
Bulimia is so scary, yet that doesn’t stop me when I am in the moment. With anorexia, you can physically see a person deteriorate right in front of you. But with bulimia, the person is dying on the inside. Besides the puffy face and bloated belly, bulimics slowly kill themsleves internally, one organ at a time. We deny every feeling that is a warning sign until it is too late…until we are taken by the silent killer. Rotting teeth, beating heart, yellow bile, burning throat, intolerable bowel system, shaky legs, swollen legs, dehydration, abnormal potasium level and kidney functions...I could keep going. I in no way, shape, or form, want to die. I want to live.

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