Bulimia Help

Suicide has been on my brain. QUITE LITERALLY.

A LOT.

I am not sure why i keep thinking about it. I have been not binging or purging, but I have fallen into this horrible despair. I feel so hopeless. I have cut down my eating because I know if I start eating I won't quit. I have been getting my healthy food and caloric intake. Why am I hurting so much inside?

I wake up everyday thinking maybe I will do it today. Maybe I will let my husband go to work and I will do it then. But, my problem is, I can't figure out why I keep thinking about this. I have always thought of suicide at one time or another, whoe doesn't?

I have quit drinking, and for good reason. It makes me want to do it even more and make a big mess while I'm doing it. But man, do I want a drink right now!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to scream out, why can't anyone hear me? Why cant they see this despair in my life? Can't they hear my cries of pain?!?!?!?

I am not really sure on what I am going to do. I know that usually when people get in this state, then something big is going to happen, like everything coming to a head. Can I last that long?

I'm losing everything.
I'm losing the battle.
I want to win so badly,
but the scars of the past won't let me.

I swallow my pain,
every time I purge.
I swallow my life,
every time I cry.
I swallow my sorrow,
every time I die inside.

I stay quiet,
on the wings of angels.
They keep my secret,
they don't tell.
They know I do it,
but they have no mouths to speak.

I swallow my pain,
every time I purge.
I swallow my life,
every time I cry.
I swallow my sorrow,
every time I die inside.

Take me away,
Take me somewhere safe from myself.
Save my body,
for I have foresaken it.
Save my soul,
for I have betrayed you.

Let me die.
Let me go to heaven.
Let me be saved in your embrace.
God, keep me.
Don't let me go.
Let me beat this,
so I can life to know happiness.

Don't let me go.

So.....I took my sister and my husband out to lunch yesterday for pizza. We ended going to a pizza buffet. I was pretty good. I ate a plate of salad and definately only ate two small pieces of pizza. I was good... and did not binge. Then, my husband said something that really upset me. He was looking at all of his old pictures of when he was in the Air Force (this includes a very SEXY picture of his ex who is half the size I am) I asked what he was doing he said remeniscing and for me to leave him alone.

He later said he was only talking about the military, but that is not how I took it.

I became so upset and self concious that I got up and went to the restroom. I emptied out all the food that I had just eaten and sat on the toilet and cried. I hated myself. I hated my body. I hated him so much for saying that.

Later we were at home and discussing calmly how I felt. He said he hates how sad I always I am about my body. He hates how I never think I look good and that I am always depressed. He just wants me happy. I told him about how terrible I feel and how bad my depression really is.

The only thing I did not tell him was after we went to bed.

I had to stay in bed because if I had gotten up one of two things would have happened: I would have either b/p's the entire night.....or I knew I was going to kill myself.

How terrrible is that? Why do I always feel this way? AM I CRAZY?!?!?

Cut it off.
Cut off my fat.
Cut off my love handles.
Cut off my thighs.
Cut off my butt.
Cut off my stomach.

Let bones show through.
I'll never be good enough anyway.

Cut off my hair.
Cut off my bangs.
Cut off my brittle nails.
Cut off my life.

Let them see that I'm dying.
I'll never understand them anyway.

Leave me be.
Leave me in my misery.
Leave me with my puke.
Leave me with the empty cartons.
Leave me to die along.

Let the world know who I am.
Let them see this is a disease.

I know I'll never be perfect,
and so leave it all on.
Leave on all the fat.
Leave on my hair.
Leave on my life.

Take the puke away,
Take away the voices.
Take away the depression.
Take away the disease.

Leave only me.
Leave me to shine.
Leave me to the world.

Cut off the devil inside.

Here's a question I'm posting for you guys:

Were any of you been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Depression, or OCD after you started your eating disorder?

and...

Do you think your symptoms are a result of the bulimia or were you always that way?

The reason I ask is I'm just wondering what it is about us that makes have this tendency toward an eating disorder? I'm sure there are so many factors, but I know there must be something similar in our brain chemistry, the way we were raised, etc...

I'll post some things about me and maybe you can match them?

1. I've always felt I am a little more sensitive to everything than other people seem to be
2. I've always been quick to overanalyze
3. I take things too personally
4. I need to have everything in its perfect place and under control
5. I always get seasonal depression even before my ED
6. I grew up with strict parents who always expected me to be perfect
7. I am the oldest girl and was an only child for 9 years
8. I organize like crazy
9. I'm very impulsive
10. Always had exaggerated reactions to any kind of drug put in my body (medicine, birth control, alcohol, etc)
11. A runner
12. I can easily read people
13. Creative- right brained
14. Slightly introverted and shy, although I can put on a great front
15. I hate crowds, and can't stand when someone is in my personal space
16. Raised by devout Catholic parents and went to Catholic school my whole life besides college

I can't think of anything else, but I'd love your input! I wish I could figure this out!

I'm having a really hard time, and every day seems harder than the next. I already told a few people I'm pregnant...well a little more than a few. My immediate family and some close friends know. They are all so happy and so happy for me. But...none of them (besides my husband) know that I am also struggling every day with an eating disorder that is getting harder to deal with in pregnancy because of my cravings and mood swings. I also panic if my clothes feel tighter because I don't know if it'is due to the pregnancy or not. People don't understand that every second I feel like I can break down crying...I feel tremendous pressure regarding my body and I am constantly terrified that I might have hurt the baby. I feel awful if I miss even one day at the gym (and today I did because I was so tired after work I fell asleep).

I am excited to be pregnant and am looking forward to having a child who I know I will love, but I am so upset with my body and uncontrollable eating habits that I feel tons of stress.

On top of all that, I am having major problems with work and feel like I can't go out and look for a new job because no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. I can't afford to quit, but I have a LARGE deal of anger towards my supervisors due to some changes they made recently. I had a fight with people at work today and it left me so depressed I just don't know what to do.

I'm bleeding out,
but no one can see.
My heart is begging,
please,
don't do this to me.

Why do I need to eat,
why I need to die.
I'm dying down,
I'm dying now,
will someone save me please?

I'm crying out now,
but the dark silences me.
I don't understand,
my forever obsession.

Why do I need to eat,
why I need to die.
I'm dying down,
I'm dying now,
will someone save me please?

I am alone,
I don't know who I am.
The slashes scream,
nothing is what it seems.

Why do I need to eat,
why I need to die.
I'm dying down,
I'm dying now,
will someone save me please?

Here's the thing... I just went to the grocery store to buy milk. And on the way back I cross over a bridge over the channel that runs through my town... As I walked over I stopped and looked down into the icey water full of big chuncks of ice. and I thought "I could just drown my bulimia in there, but DAMN it'd be cold" (I don't do well in cold weather.) thing is.. I'm not suicidal at all. I love my life the way it is, and I'm quite happy in every area except my eating disorder. I don't wanna die, but then I think if I were dead my eating disorder would be dead too.
I would never and could never kill myself, but sometimes that's just the thought in my head. "If I'm dead no one will need to worry, no extra dentist/doctor bills for my bf to have to pay, no more binging or purgeing.. EVER!" And no more of all those things seem like a good thing to me. It's horrible I know.

Work tomorrow morning, starting at 6am. The urge to call in sick again is mounting as the minutes and hours pass. Even if I did I would probably have to get up up 5 anyway and go somewhere in my little motor so my parents thought I was at work? Ugh - thats just stupid.

I don't have any energy or enthusiasm for anything at the moment & I don't seem to be able to concentrate on one given thing for more than about 10 minutes. It just doesn't seem to be able to hold my attention. I also can't concentrate on anything much but the cloud hanging over my head which is the "countdown" to January 11th when I am supposed to be leaving for Quebec for 3 months with 150 other British gap year students to ski hard, drink hard and generally be a rowdy teenager. I've never felt this much pressure before. I drove my Dad around yesterday and he just asked me how my preparations were going. I haven't done anything. I laid out a couple of clothes on the spare bed but everytime I try on whichever lucky items have ended up there this time, I remove them back to my wardrobe. I just feel like the phrase "don't run before you can walk" should be applied here. They're asking me to sprint when I can barely stand.

Oh crikey, I'm really unhappy. Weep :( xxx

edit @ 5.30am: Off to work. Haven't slept. Eyes are red and puffy from lots of crying. Pippa = Mess

I hate how I can be feeling somewhat hopeful or good about myself, and then someone can say something and I totally let it affect my mood. I choose to use it as a way to make myself miserable again or to use it as an excuse. Because she said so and so it means I'm a failure and I can't do anything well and therefore I'm just going to sit here and be depressed because I know I can't perform to the standards I want myself to be able to perform at. I get so caught up in this negative self talk that I don't even think I can do a task at all then. Why is this standard of perfection so hard to escape? I really want to be able to just live my life without these ridiculous expectations I put on myself.