Bulimia Help

I feel incredibly weird about this.. umm the thing is, I know we have this whole community of people here and we all are here to give and recieve support. But once I like start chatting back and forth with one or two people I have such a hard time opening up to more, and staying in closer contact with them, giving out email/phone number etc. It seems like I should be able/willing to do that if I wanna get the support I say/feel that I want no? My bf has also said I can call him anytime throughout the day if I'm struggling, but it's not the same, I mean he's SOOO loving and supportive, and it does help, but I feel guilty for calling/texting and disturbing him with my small trifle issues. I mean what if he's busy? And I know he'd never think badly of me. But part f me feels like if I actually texted him everytime I needed someone to tell me "stop" he'd think I was a mental case.
Even though he's proud of me when he knows I've just made it purge free for one single day. Even though I tell him one day is nothing to be proud of. I also picture myself becoming one of those annoying people, like I have an aquaintence how is mentally sick, but she always calls the people she knows(me encluded) and talks and talks, but about the same things over and over, and she can't get better, her brain is permanently damaged and stuff. I feel sorry for her, and talk to her anyways (if I'm not in class or at work or something) But I know other loate when she calls. And I just don't want that to be me.

I feel like I am on a really bad rollercoaster ride. One second I'm anxious, the next happy, then depressed, then elated, numb, exhausted.....and the list goes on. The past 5 days or so I've gotten the shittiest sleep in my life, to be blunt. Maybe 3 hours tops a night? Tonight better be good cause I have a free day tomorrow!

Driving back from school a thought randomly popped in my head... it was so sneaky too! It said, "B/p sounds like an awesome thing to do tonight." I immediately went "AHH" in my head and told my brain to shut up. I came home, the same thoughts occured again. But I know I'll be fine, ate an apple and I'm off to bed soon.

I think it is because I still am restricting...some days I wont and yesterday and today it's like I'm so afraid of gaining weight, especially because I have lost some weight since in recovery (cause I would b/p like a mothereffer, with all those unnecessary calories sitting in my gut, and now I eat normal, kinda!).

Being away from b/p'ing just rocks my world just because I am beginning to realize that I've missed out on so many things in life because of b/p'ing for hours each day. I feel slower mentally too, compared to pre-bulimia days. I also have social anxiety, which has gone down dramatically since I cleaned up my alcohol act, but I dont want it to perpetuate itself again by just ignoring my emotions and thoughts. It's hard at the moment to understand my thoughts when my brain is like a dog chasing a thousand thought-bones, but when I get a chance to wind down it's like Ah-ha! Now I see! but I also dont want to see! hehehe... I have to open my eyes in order to get better.

I'm feeling down tonight. I had the urge to binge but instead just overate. Come to think of it, I'm not sure that I overate because I went to a spinning class today and didn't eat much for dinner, and then had two large bowls of cheerios after dinner. I don't know if I overate because I'm not keeping track of calories anymore (huge step), I'm just eating intuitively. It could have turned into a binge, but it didn't. I still feel like eating, but I know it won't make me feel better. My husband came home from work late today, but he was ready to talk and asked about my day. But instead I just pushed him away because I don't feel confident right now. I eye the scale each time I walk into the bathroom, but I successfully avoided it all day.

One of the deep-seated reasons my issues with ed persist are that I just am not confident with my future plans. I turn 26 on Sunday and I feel like I should have everything figured out. People expect me to act like an adult now! I did well in law school, but I'm still not convinced I want to be a lawyer. Why is it so hard for me to figure out what to do with my life? Should I keep on with the attorney thing and find something within the legal profession that makes me happy? I've already worked at a law firm, and sure...the power trip I get is great, but it only serves to make my ed-problems and insecurities worse. I get super obsessive and perfectionist about the work, and I am constantly feeling intimidated by a lot of the large egos at law firms. The women at the firms I worked at were extremely competitive with each other, not supportive like I had hoped. It may have just been the firm culture at those law firms, but from hearing about other friends' experience at law firms, I know it isn't for me, at least not for the long-term. And I want to make a long-term career decision...I want a sustainable career, not a job that I can't wait to quit.

i don't even really know where to start with this, i just think i need to vent. this week is feeling like a major turning point with me. i have been following intuitive eating since early september, but the last week its like its all clicked into place. my hunger is back which is just so so great- i thought i had stuffed my metabolism forever, but after just a month or so im getting hungry at every meal time, and im eating the most "normally" i ever have in my life- i eat whatever i want, whenever im hungry, and my desire to binge has pretty much completely gone. im also really enjoying exercising- actually having energy from eating carbs makes it a hell of a lot more fun! i have gained weight, but i knew i would. i thought it would be the end of the world, but somehow its not.

so now that im not covering everything up with food, thoughts of b/p, restricting etc, my emotions are coming back in a major way. its scary. its really fucking hard actually. they are hitting me hardest after work, when theres no food or people to distract me, and its like i feel everything super intensely. happy becomes like im on drugs, an off the cuff remark can upset me for hours, and i feel like i want to explode if i get angry.

So I binged tonight. For the first time in a while. I am frustrated with myself. But, I see it as a "win" because I didn't binge and then purge. And I more or less know why I did it.

I was overwhelmed after a long week at work in a high-stress environment, and then assailed immediately after my work day with innapropriate behavior from someone I've been intimate with. I feel exposed this week - I feel like my personal business is being pried into by those outside of my life - those who are gossipers. I don't like that kind of behaviour, I run from it.

It pushed me over the edge - it drove me to want to numb the confusion and strong emotions I was feeling.

I binged, and drank half a bottle of wine. I poured the rest out after I drank half the bottle. I don't know if anyone else ever drinks and binges-but it makes it easier for me. It always made the purge easier, too. But, I am proud that I consiously chose not to purge even while "under the influence". Even though I feel full and sick right now.

So, I will try to take it in stride, and learn from what happened today. I'm no longer so sure about the guy I've been dating for a few weeks now. I never want to discuss my sex life in public. (which he tried to do this afternoon).

So, there it is for now.

ah.. today has been not good... I am still at work because I CAN't get anything done....
I fail fail fail

HERE is my full blog entry....
I hate these mood shifts from day to day or even within a day....
I wanna be recovered... yesterday...

http://graceismyname.wordpress.com

I seem to either be totally spaced out or completely flooded with emotion and on the brink of something self-destructive. I guess it shows just how much emotion my eating disorder was concealing and it's probably healthy that I am at last experiencing those emotions but it's so damn exhausting. Will my emotions lessen in intensity? I'm not sure how long I can cope with them as they are.

Ok, so I have had a really busy few days- yesterday was particularly hard, as I had my eating disorders support group in the morning, and then had our relate sexual therapy counselling in the afternoon. Then we were out in the evening with friends, and in all this I was meant to be doing revision for my exams that are in less than 2 weeks....

Well- after all that- and throw in a pint of strongbow and a hardcore session at the gym- and it is hardly surprising that after 4 days of not bingeing I did- I really didnt want to- and it was actually quite wierd- as I knew that it was not going to be helpful- and I did think about the effects- but I still did it. It wasnt a major binge- about 500 calories of cheese and bread, but it was pretty horrid to have that when I had been doing so well- without restricting, but sticking to structured eatiing. So I was really upset with myself and puked. But my husband caught me puking and we agreed that i would stop half way through. This meant that I felt quite anxious- but I managed to sleep.

This morning I had a body analysis at the gym, which wasnt particularly helpful- but it showed me that I am now the heaviest that I have been since I was 14, I havent really computed that yet- and am scared to think about it. I couldnt eat before it, as it messess up the readings. SO by the time i got out of the gym (medium session) I was hungry- really physiologically hungry, and in denial about my weight gain- so am still eating- not going to restrict....... (but maybe i should!)

I try so hard to eat little at a time, which consists of fruits and veggies. I learned to hate meat and i'm getting to the point where all food tastes disgusting, when i eat more than a cup full of yogurt or too much fruit, or alot of liquids, i can't keep it down, i'm always throwing everything up, whether its a bite of something or a small meal. i keep tums on me at all times from all the heart burn i get. i purge every night. and i can't stop. When i quit purging, i started off again with small amounts of food intake and it gradually reached 3 times as much and in my head i keep thinking i have to eat all of it. Then it all started again. i am depressed when i eat, i can't stop thinking about what i'm going to eat and get rid of afterward. I keep gaining weight and i don't know why? I have no one to talk with about it and no one is there to help me, i want to quit, and be able to eat a healthy meal and feel good, i wanna be able to go out to a restaurant and eat successfully. but it never fails.