Bulimia Help

Guys, I'm sorry to be so direct and beg for help, but I really can't do this. I'm on my own in a foreign country, and I don't know where the hell to go for help. This is my year abroad for my university course, and I've screwed up. This morning, after waking up at 2am, I fought with myself over the urge to binge. I binged. I purged, and sat down again, trying to refocus. I talked to my mum online. I felt the urge to binge, told her, but then instead of going to school, I binged again. Oh, and as I write this, I'm almost passing out with nausea from the third binge.

I can't not purge. Well this is how I feel. Obviously I could just sit here or do something constructive, but I'm so tired, so weak, so cowardly and scared and frustrated and confused and angry and depressed that I'm drowning in self pity and turning to bulimia to try to make me feel better. No; to make me feel numb,

This is a vicious, relentless cycle, and I haven't a clue how to break out of it. I'm scared to eat normally, because I never feel full, and having something in my stomach makes me feel like I've started, and I need to finish. Everything. In the whole city.

I am insane. I cut myself the other day, I don't sleep, my memory is non-existent, and my heart hurts physically and metaphorically. I let people down daily by not turning up to appointments, and I spend all day wandering around the city in a crazed frenzy of food lust.

I've been promising everyone I'd kick the shit out of this illness for nearly the past 2 years, but I'm so damn lazy. So pessimistic. So hopeless.

I did it. Just Like I knew I would. I spent all day making a beautiful soup. Sometimes if I spend time making food, I appreciate it enough to enjoy it and not scarf it. Not so tonight. I did enjoy one bowl with my dad. Then we watched the 2nd disc of the first season of Glee. He went to be. Then I headed for the pantries, and what was left from a previous binge that I didn't finish. I cannot be alone! But when the urge is unbearable I have to be. I want more for me. My sustenance demands more. I have a job, that depends on my health. I want to be hypnotized. I want to have a spell put on me. WHY DID I EVER THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. I want to scream to all the girls in the world to never stick it down your throat! You aren't outsmarting the system, and you won't stop after you lose the weight. I wish someone told me, and yet, I may have still done it. That poor 16 year old girl. I don't remember her. Yes, it was me, but now I'm someone else.

OMG this is totally insane, bulimia has a tight hold on me and won't even give an inch no matter how hard i try. My mind want to kick it i don't want this shit anymore but bulimia ain't gona let me.

Been b/p 2-3 times a day and i hate it every moment. My life is possesed by it i have no time for normal stuff. Every night i gather my thoughts and i vow to start the next day afresh, its going to be better right? 1 day at a time and i'm positve i'm gona get there. Then it works it evil on me i dream of food eating and eating until i'm in pain and there's the panic i'm in public or with someone, nowhere to go to purge. So i wake up and my stomach hurts i honestly i feel full and my day is ruined cos the only thoughts i have are of b/ping to get rid of this feeling. For christs sake its not real, its not real.

I was bingeing/purging twice today together with a full chinese meal and normal eating. I feel horrible and my throat hurts and fingers still smell. I feel so horrible. Last night i was wide awake and thinking about the fact that i want to stay that thin girl. Im still short in engery and i know i cant lose it, especially when i got to keep up with school. Its such a mess, also with my parents. I siriously do think about giving it all up, and with all i also mean life. Fuck this shit.

I mean seriously... I hate this cycle. I hate what I'm doing to myself. I am positive for a few days and then I fall. I can't even get through a freakin' week!!! How have I let this get to this point??!! None of it is fun. I look awful, I feel awful, I have no energy. I absolutely have to stop!!! Today I am making a plan. I need a path to get out of this place I'm in. I have to plan... I have to plan my meals and my strategy for how to handle my triggers. I have to stop this craziness...

so- What am i doing on the internet istead of with my head in a book? well- Im freaking out and so this is what i decided to do.

This coming week is the most important week in my life. To be honest I have coped with quite a lot, wedding, moving heaps, living abroad etc etc- but this is 5 years worth of work and at least 10,000 pounds on the line. If i fail these exams then i am going to have let so many people down. So why have I spent so much time online here, with my head down the toilet and in the super market .... I honestly dont know.