Bulimia Help

First I'd like to say I'm new here,I'm kinda just floating around.I decided that I should maybe share this story because it was something that actually impacted me greatly.
Second I noticed that in that yellow box before you post something,it says not to post "Potential triggers",seems a bit odd to me...does it to you?We'd not really ever be able to talk about anything if we did that would we?Everyone has a different trigger,and I've maybe triggered one by now unknowingly.Just a random thought I thought I'd throw in,just wondering what they'd define as an actual trigger thing.

Anyway,

I was at a pretty low point last year where I had fallen apart totally,I was overly pale (still am but I look a bit less...ish).A my lowest weight,looking and feeling like crap.

I'd had an argument with my father over the phone and I'd just sat there upset,crying and tossed the phone at the wall.

Hid myself in the bathroom,locked the door trying to calm down,couldn't.I decided right then the best thing I could do,was give my family peace without having to carry a burden any longer..aka;Me.

I took a bottle of the strongest pills,and hid the bottle hoping they'd not notice since it wasn't a normally used one,decided maybe that wasn't enough,so I took some low key ones.And then I went into my mothers livingroom while she ate dinner with the kids over t.v,I sat in the lazyboy and I waited for peace.

One of my younger sisters(I have three younger sisters,the youngest two are twins)Katie,one of the twins,asked if she could lay with me,I told her no,because I was sick,a few moments later she came back,fluffing a pillow up for me,put a blanky over me.She gave me her favorite teddybear,kissed my cheek and told me she hoped I felt better because she loved me.

As a child, my older brother (+5) would constantly bully and tease me. Tease isn't a strong enough word. He destroyed my self-esteem, skewed relationships with the opposite sex for me and made me feel like dirt. I couldn't understand why he picked ME out of me and my little brother, so I figured it was because I was fat and ugly and he was embarrased that I had to be his sister.
Weight was always a big issue. I was overweight and he would take any chance he got to make me feel like I was some morbidly obese monster.
I don't blame my ED entirely on him because even the kids at school would pick on me. It was usually a boy so I thought every boy felt the same way.
As I started losing weight restricting, suddenly everyone was nice to me, including my brother, and I hated that. It wasnt fair that hes suddenly nice and now I'll look like the mean person not being nice back. I began resenting him, despite trying to get him to show me SOME affection my whole life.

He's married now and lives in another state close by, so whenever he comes to visit my bulimia gets out of control and I start associating binge food to him so I can "purge" him.

I told my mom my fears about his visit because I've been doing AMAZING with recovery and I'll be dammed if he messes it up again.

My mom took me aside and we talked for an hour about his abusive childhood.

Turns out, while my mom was at work, my dad was stuck with my and my brother and all my dad wanted was to take his daily afternoon nap after coming home. When me and my brother fought, I would cry, as I was a very sensitive child. I cried for EVERYTHING.
So my dad would hit my brother to get him to stop fighting with me. My mom said it got really bad, with punches, beatings and whips from a belt.

My brother couldn't fight my dad, so he took it out on me in the form of verbal abuse.

I've told my fiance that I'm bulimic. I've tried over and over to tell him how much of a struggle it is. I've been doing it for over 2 years. I'm depressed. I get anxiety. It's running my life and he doesn't see it.
But he insists that I have the will power to stop. Do I? Am I just crazy? Do I cry when I look at food for just no reason? I want more than anything to stop but my weight is the only thing I think about. Why can't he get it?
Is there something I can say to him to show him how hard it is? I tried comparing it to his addiction to cigarettes and he pretty much laughed. I feel ashamed. Broken. Helpless. :(

My husband and I have our times... He seems to think everything is fine all the time... But I don't! I'm not sure if it's because I'm not happy or if I'm crazy! I've always tried to make our marriage work... So has he but often times recently when I'd get upset with him I just contiplate moving on... We can be fine and then he makes me upset and I just want to give up! I don't understand if it's simply I'm not happy and need to move on or is it because I have issues emotionally. I don't want to hurt him and definatley don't want to hurt my children... But I just don't understand why I am having such frequent feelings of leaving him! Anyone else having marital problems with the bulimia? Any advice?

I haven't told my parents or older brother about my bulimia. It's not something I can even imagine doing, but I sometimes wonder if it would be for the best. I know they would be extremely surprised because I am very health conscious and I exercise regularly. I just don't think I could disappoint them like that. I was wondering if any of you have told your family members and how they reacted?

My other older brother knows and he has been supportive when I bring it up. Once in awhile he will ask how I am doing with it, but I get embarrassed and end up telling him that I am well. I know he means well, but I can't find it in me to tell him that I'm worse than ever. He has no idea just how bad things were/are. I feel like he would check up on me more often if he did, but to be held accountable just to fail would be so shameful.

I think I have been put to the test yesterday. I got one of my worst trigger ever... my dad.

I have never been close to my real dad. I actually called my mum's boyfriend my dad because I grew up with him and he has always been there for me. He's such a good man! It's totally a different relationship with my real dad. We used to talk a few times a year but we haven't talked yet this year. Hey, I'm fine with that because talking with my real dad usually triggers a binge... There is nothing positive after a talk with him. Sad but true! Can't change the man!

So yeah, I got an email from my real dad last night. I was preparing my dinner and opening my emails when I saw his email. I was so surprised... AND, soooo scared of screwing up my day 6 of binge free. Without thinking about it, I stopped cooking, put everything in the fridge, sat down on the floor and called a friend to come over. It worked! it's day 7 today :)

Gee, it's hard!!!

I have been purge free for a month. it seems like forever. until last week. i purged twice. at work. felt horrible about it. stopped for a few days. then today at my family dinner at my parents. everyone was a few rooms over. no one noticed me leave, they didnt notice the running faucet or the hairdryer. i actually did it twice. i feel terrible for it.

i know the key to my recovery is a simple structured meal plan to make me feel less out of control, and a simple and healthy excercise plan so I can balance my weight and everything.

i feel very isolated lately, i wish i had a motivational buddy to help with recovery, someone to relate to on a regular basis.
i always feel so needy and desperate when i talk to my boyfriend.

So yesterday I commented saying how I think it's important to share with those around you, and how much it has helped me. I also realized that I shared mostly with those who I left back home and only a small handful of those I surround myself with in my current home. I am from New York but I currently live in Berlin (for over a year now). Last winter was a really bad one here. I think a lot of it had to do with me getting adjusted to an entirely new life, and a whole lot of uncertainty. I have more of that now, but when I went back to the states to visit last year, I had a panic attack and finally came out first to my mom about my problem then everyone else. And a quick stint to therapy (which included 3 sessions) before returning to Berlin. So basically I stirred things up a bit, shared my problems with all my close friends and parents and brother then skipped town, leaving every a bit worried.

To the now... I have a new boyfriend and although I got much better at communicating in general with this new relationship, I still am stressed about telling him about this problem. I just don't want that heaviness in this newer relationship. My last relationship was so difficult and dramatic due to my last boyfriend's personality and since then I haven't gotten involved in anything that's become anything legitimate for 2 years now. Now I have a really nice, wonderful guy and I just want to keep the drama out of it. Things are going really well. In reality I guess I'm not so worried about it, when it's a comfortable time, as things become more established between us, the time will feel right. I know he's understanding. I feel like he even has some irrational body image issues of his own going on through his brain (not as extreme)as I noticed a few red flags. But still....just something that's been on my mind as the relationship progresses.

Binged today. Then purged. Then binged again, but I didn't have possibility to purge afterwards. Maybe it's better, i know i shouldn't do it, but I feel like a piece of crap now. Two days, I was able to stop b/p for only two days. Shit, i hate it so much.

I was talking with my mum today. I told her that I might wanna try going to the library after school, so i could learn there. I said that in home everything is distracting me. And she was like: "yeah, like the fridge for example, right? the fridge must be sooo distracting for you..." I know she was joking, and i know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings because she doesn't even know about my bulimia, but... damn, it hurts. Is it THAT obvious that i have problems with food? Damn, if she knew...

Of course, tomorrow I'll start fighting again, but I don't know how many more times I'll be able to start again. I don't know if i have the strength to do it. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know :(

(sorry if i made any mistakes, it's hard to write something in foreign language when you're sooo pissed off)

so.
Having jus finished a binge on the foods i seem to binge on every day, i have come to you for advice. What do you do when you are not in complete control of your environment? I moved back with my parents this year, and its so hard, cause they keep a ready supply of all my favorite binge foods. Things I would never keep around, like cereal and peanut butter...these seem to be problem foods for all of us.

I know they will not stop buying them. My father is very old, and doesn't know about my ed. When I have casually asked him to not buy something but he goes on and on and freaks out a little blahblahblah. alot My binge foods are his favorite foods. my mom has her own ED and only perpetuates the negative behavior. so...what to do!!!!?????

What do you guys do? I'm sure lots of you have roommates, family, and significant others, never mind coworkers who make it very hard for you to keep your control so what to do beside indulge and then come here to avoid purging

tricks to hide food, convince family....give me whatever you got. I try to make rules, i make notes , I tell myself its not my food...but its no use! I want it!!!!!!