relapsed last wednesday after 53 days binge and purge free, did NOT realise how quickly i could spiral out of control! pretty much just postponed recovery for the rest of the week. I really really wish i didnt give in like that. It only gave bulimia strength and made breaking the cycle harder.
I ate a healthy dinnner on sunday to make monday a bit easier for me. Stuck with my structured eating all day on monday, fought through the ridiculous bulimic thoughts telling me that i may as well binge and purge and get back to recovery later. I made it through the day and felt proud but also a little upset that the urge to binge had come back and was so powerful. Before wednesday I was hardly even thinking about food, it was so nice!
Tonight was a real challenge. I stuck to my structured eating all day and was going fine until i got home after work. I made dinner for me and my borfriend. I ate way too fast, my boyfriend was only just reaching for his fork and i had already inhaled mine! then i just sat there watching some stupid show he likes to watch on his computer and all i could think about was this box of chocolates my friend had conviniently left at my house... bitch. I had a bit of a domestic in my head with my evil side saying "screw recovery those chocolates are damn delicious" and my logical side saying "NO we've agreed we're gonna continue on the road to recovery, remeber!" so i went with the option of sounding like a bit of a nutcase and yelling at my boyfriend to hide the annoying F%*#ing chocolates. I got up and went to the gym instead, HORAYYYY!
so i sorta only finished day 2 today but tomorrow will be my day 60 if i dont count the few purges i had last week...
So glad to be back on track, I realised after tonight that my inner fighter is still there and strong as ever!
so sorry bulimia, i win you lose
I just relapsed pretty bad, and I feel like total shit.
I was doing so well this whole week, and i just found myself eating uncontrollable this evening and it all went downhill from there. I can't stand this feeling, not just the soreness and the discomfort from binging and purging, but also the feeling of letting myself down.
I just wanted to wake up feeling thin and pretty and worth having a good time. I was getting into the structured eating, trying to eat three times a day but I was feeling so bloated after two weeks. I slipped a couple of times, but I really was feeling great about how I was doing. Then Thursday it all started falling apart. I knew my long distance bf was coming to visit and felt enormous. I know he likes the way I look, but I don't. I never do. I just wanted to feel thin. So I purged. Even though I didn't really eat enough to really warrant a purge. I wasn't even all that full... But I woke up friday morning feeling empty and flat and unbloated. For about five minutes. Then I had water and it all started coming back. I wore a dress to go pick up my bf at the airport, my legs can never get bloated! Because of my running, I always feel like they look good. BUt the rest of the weekend was total chaos. I felt so bingey, when he left for a few hours on sat I bpd immediately, then restricted till late sunday morning. Which wrecked havoc on my intestines when I finally did eat and I spent the rest of the day struggling with huge stomach pains and ridiculous bloating. I was wearing jeans, but as the day went on they felt like they got tighter and tighter, it was awful. I could barely even enjoy having him around, even though it'd been almost two weeks since we last saw each other. So of course, last night when he left I immediately bpd and then stayed up wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too late watching tv so my puffy face would go down before I fell asleep. Which meant I missed class today.. ANd I bpd again this morning cause I felt so bad about not going to class. And I haven't gone for a run in three days, which makes me feel even worse.
The past few weeks have been horrific. I went to the hospital the other day to start therapy, just talking about it makes it worse. Im feeling really hopeless at the moment. I don't know how to cope with this. I've been b/ping daily now, it was never this bad. also Im at my heaviest in three years or so. this is torture. whenever I want something most of all it backfires and i get the opposite. Im feeling a little crazy and finding it hard to concentrate on uni. At the start of the year i felt good. I was up to three months. then my grandma passed away and I had a bit of a forced holiday. It just got worse from then. this is exhausting.
The last few days have been a struggle and it's not until right at this moment I feel somewhat relaxed and in charge. I am hosting a dinner party tomorrow and had to go grocery shopping and cook a bit today. I also needed to tidy up and was planning to go to the gym. Needless to say that was a bit too much to manage if I don't want to stay up til after midnight. So I decided to skip the gym..and still eat normal dinner. Now that is a progress in its own. However after eating I had a full on "you can binge..and purge...just this one time.." voice. It took a lot of mind battling to shut that out and continue cooking what I had to do for tomorrow. With food and desserts and stuff around. Instead I cleaned the apartment. Folded away all clothes, vacuumed, mopped the floors that kind of thing. I think that might have been the best thing I could have done. Now all traces of me being sick over the weekend are gone and it feels like I got a bit of new start. Maybe the migraine I had since Saturday and that only shifted first this morning was some kind of latent stress release (at least that's what the doctor said yesterday). I am prone to push myself into the wall and I have done so before. I just need to learn to take deep breaths and trust myself a bit more. There is no one I need to prove anything to more than to myself. I know I am my hardest critique but if I don't believe I can do this then who will?
After many processes of relapse after relapse I'm trying to analyze myself and what it is exactly that keeps me from improving - I mean REALLY improving. I always give myself so many excuses why I relapsed and I always tell myself "it's okay, it's okay"
I'm trying to delve into my own mind and understand how it works and I've come to the conclusion that I am the type that has to quit cold turkey. I have to view it as a "training for my brain" because I can so easily train my body and discipline it, but have no success in training and nourishing my psychological structure (if that even means anything hah)
I'm prepared for violent withdrawal as I fight constant urges, but sometimes that's what it takes. If cocaine addicts and chain smokers can quit cold turkey, so can I.
Everyone who's reading this, brace yourself for some radical blogs later on as I'm sure I'll be having many emotional fits.
This blog is probably pretty pointless, I just felt like a bit of a release to be honest.
Recently I've been falling into bad eating habbits, not eating til about 1 or 2 pm but then eating way too much at night time to compensate. Saving my food so I can eat one really large meal rather than three etc
I knew I was doing it but I was almost enoying the numbing again. Nothing has really changed, there's been no specific trigger. But now I know I've gained weight because my clothes are tighter and my stomach is getting pretty big. Structured eating is so wonderful and so right for me, why the hell did I have to fall back into these traps? So I re-started structured eating again today, I feel gross, but health wise I know I will feel wonderful in a matter of days, I know my clothes will start fitting again, I'll get back to that place that is perfect for me. Having breakfast was the hardest thing today because I was still so full from last nights overeating but it had to be done because I was heading down a dangerous path. I'm nearly at 12 months of recovery I will not throw this away.
Looking at the bigger picture though, I have done so amazing over the past ten months, theres been about two weeks of general overeating, two out of control binges, and about 6 purging incidents. When I think my general day used to involve continual binges and about 10-20 purges I have come so far
sometimes accepting the amount of time recovery will take is one of the hardest things. I can't wait for my therapy to start!x x
i was kinda wondering if any one had this particular day .....this day when a relapse is inevitable. Thursdays are a nightmare!!!! i always relapse on them....
it is almost the end of the week,alot of my emotions are now piled up in me... i am always soo tired and my mom works late on thursday so i basiclly have the whole house to myself.
i really tried not to binge, i swear. But it just happened.... i am dreading waking up tomorrow, i ll be soo bloated, gained tons of weight, miserable. i had so much to study today, but now i m so exhausted i think i ll just go to bed, uggghhh another day wasted!
recovery is really amazing, i m trying so hard to figure out everything, to solve all problems.....but this, i dont know what to do about it? how can i not binge on thursday, or on any day when i m home alone? does anybody have any suggestions??i really needed to vent!
will everything turm out okay? will i be okay tomorrow?
i hope u are all still fighting!
made it three weeks without purging.
went home, spent four days hiking in the desert in west texas, ate like a normal human being, had a nice christmas and a drunk new years.
then, as soon as i was feeling wonderfully stable, i was alone again. which led to making poor choices.
i have a group interview for my masters program next thursday. nervous.
and then the following wednesday, i have my first ever therapy session. nervousnervous.
BUT i went 8 days, no binging, no purging eating 3 healthy meals & 2 snacks (and even a couple of treats along the way!, exercise and it felt GREAT!
i'm not gonna lie, i am disappointed in myself... BUT ... gonna figure out what went wrong so i'm prepared next time, get a good nights sleep, and get back on track tomorrow.
So today was my first official successful day of attempting to get back on the wagon of normal eating. Over the past week, each day I have been convincing myself that "Today will be the day I eat right." This usually consists of me starving myself, or even just telling myself I should starve, and ends in me sneaking food from the kitchen of my college house and hoping no one notices their food gone. Oh and me bent over the toilet with the shower running hoping my suite mates can't hear me, or if they can, at least praying to god that they wont say anything about it.
Honestly, its frustrating just how many steps back I have taken since my nearly full recovery last year. I guess since February, when I stopped going to therapy because of various reasons involving me getting kicked out of my house (another story for another time) I have been falling back into old habits. It took me until I got to college to fully slip back enough to need to actively recover again.
maybe that was my problem. I never should have stopped "actively" recovering. Either way, I am here now and hoping for the best. The second official time (and probably millionth if we're counting non-counseling just me plotting unofficial times) is daunting. it seems even more daunting than the first time around because now i know it is possible that this isn't "the end of all my horrible bulimic problems" I could and probably will at some point in life relapse again. sounds dismal, but the way I'm starting to see it is as follow:
1) this relapse is not as intense as how I was prior to treatment so maybe each time they will get smaller and smaller
2) I might as well try to stop torturing myself, its not like bulimia is making me happy (right now)
so wish me luck! I hope all of you are making progress too...its slow and tedious sometimes but its worth finding out what its like on the other side...i hope.
quote for today:
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