Bulimia Help

good grief! i do not enjoy this bloating. ive been doing so well lately. but the bloating is really triggering me. its scaring me.

i feel so dumpy. when i look in the mirror i see a girl who cant fit in her clothes even though their loose. i see a girl who constitutes as "trailer trash". like a mom whos had 12 kids with sag and lumps all over.

today i had cereal for breakfast. a fancy wheat pocket stuffed with spinach and feta with a side salad for lunch at this swag vegan cafe. a vegan cupcake. a yogurt and then a sliced veggie dog in vegetarian baked beans for dinner.

i say i feel dumpy or fat but what i really mean is i feel guilty. i feel out of control. i want my hunger to go away completely so the shame i feel after enjoying a meal goes away. it all comes down to my self destruction and self deprivation. i like hurting myself. its not by choice its just how ive always coped with stress.

ive had people on here say "dont stress about weight gain" but thats what made me bulimic in the first place!!! recovering from anorexia i quickly gained weight because my metabolism was sluggish and then i just decided to throw up half of my meals and it escaladed into full on failure to say the least.

im still scared. alls i do is stare down at my stomach and poke it pitifully. ive also started comparing myself to others again which is so bad.

i tried to purge but stopped midway realizing this is not how i want to live my life. i cant do this forever. i just feel like i look like an amazon woman. you know? beefy, stout, wide, tall.

my boyfriend tells me im like a willow tree but god damn it do i feel like a giant red oak! does anyone know of any sure fire ways to cut this bloat?? i eat high fiber, i drink lots of water already. i dont drink alcohol and limit my caffeine to one cup a day.

please help....

After 3 weeks of no purging and only about 5 binges (despite still struggling a lot with ED thoughts) this week has sucked big time.

Binged on monday and wednesday then yesterday binged and PURGED twice and drank like a whole bottle of wine :-( Tonight have to work in the bar which is massively triggering but I am so broke and need the money. *DEPRESSED*

I'm currently sharing a room in London with a really sweet colombian girl and we get on really well and I'm wondering whether to tell her about my ED to make me accountable.

I already mentioned that I used to struggle with anorexia and be thin ( i think to try and excuse the fact that i am horribly fat now) and I think she may have noticed I have weird eating habits like one minute eating just raw carrots and the next popping to the kitchen every 2 minutes but I wondered if I should just come clean and tell her the whole thing, will this help me stop?

Last night after I came in from the pub she came in the kitchen while I was eating a cheese toastie and some crisps ( which weren;t mine this is another thing I keep having to buy and replace food I eat during binges oh god what has happened to me).

Anyway I think I should tell her but then worry that this means I literally wont be able to binge at all and then this makes me think maybe I don't even want to get better but how can i possibly want to carry on like this?

AAAARGGGHHH. Sorry for the rant.

Just sick and tired of feeling worthless because of all the binging (and not purging) i've bee doing as of late. Okay, so what if I put on 5 pounds? If that is what it takes to make me realize that I am worthy of life, then SO BE IT!

Im going to use the strucuterd eating plan from now on. 3 meals and a snack or two, plus lots of activity and exercise.

I am worth it and so is everyone else on here. We have got to stop doubting ourselves. I want to be a success story. starting over june 17th, (FOR THE LAST TIME!!!).

<3

So I just lost my Dad this month. It was completely unexpected. He died all alone.

For a couple of days I was just so overwhelmed with grief that my eating disorder wasn't an issue. My life was too full. After three or four days though, it came back with a vengence. After taking a week off of school at the beginning of the semester, I found myself behind in everything. As if losing a parent isn't hard enough, my freaking Chemistry lab report is still due. NO EXCEPTIONS. There are so many things like that. I go straight into self-pity mode, which is when I binge like a mad woman.

I know all of the HORRIBLE things I'm doing to my body. My father's death was due to a coronary heart attack. I have a history of heart problems and osteoporosis in my family as is. I HATE that I'm destroying my body and my health. It seems so selfish and trivial. I feel like I'm throwing away a precious gift, but I can't stop!

My face is swollen and both of my eye sockets are a reddish-purplish mess of broken blood vessels. I feel light-headed and sickly all of the time.

I just can't find the motivation to stop. The only time that I can stop thinking about death and the challenges that lie ahead is when I'm binging. It's like that's the only thing that can completely occupy my mind.

I don't know what if any response I'm expecting for this. I think I just needed to vent.

I'm looking at my friend's portofolio website while writing this and I feel so much hate for myself. It could have been me. It was my dream. I always wanted to be a photo model. It's my biggest passion. But I never could, I was always too fat for that. So, I encouraged my best friend to pursue my dream. She was alays so beautiful and good looking. Now, she's a professional model and has done more than 15 photoshoots, some of them for world famous companies. And I'm sitting at home binging while she's living my dream. I mean, I'm really happy for her but it' so hard do watch somebody live the life you wanted to. I just can't stop wondering what would it look like if I was her. I would be the happiest person ever. To make things worse, it's not the only dream that was "stolen" from me. Everywhere I look I can see pieces of what I always wanted to be. It just makes me feel so bad that I wouldn't even go out anymore. You know what they say, what you don't know, can't hurt you. I know I can't live that way but everytime I leave my house I return feeling sad and useless. I just hate myself so much that I'm not leading the life I've always wanted, instead I'm just living day after day because I'm too lazy to make any change... Only one thought stays still in my mind everywhere I go: "It could have been me" :(

Hi everyone,

This is my first blog. Well, first blog here anyway.

I'll go by Stella.

It's weird, I don't remember the first time I threw up. I don't know the date, time or specific reason. But I do remember looking at girls on tv and thinking "wow, I wish I had the will power to not eat and stay skinny."

Needless to say that's the type of thinking that got me into this mess. Here I sit, seven years-ish later, with medical issues out the yingyang and four recently capped off teeth that use to be a vision of dental perfection.

Did I do it to myself? Maybe. I tend to think yes and no. Yes, because I didn't have to stick my finger down my own throat. No because it quickly became an addiction. While society looks down (as did I) on crack heads, heroin addicts and alcoholics- I would shove an absurd amount of food into my mouth and barf it up while their were food banks across the world running low on supplies. I hate myself for what I let myself become, but I can only hope that I'll become a stronger person for it.

Days, or weeks more accurately, like these past few, I haven't felt that that strong person I wish I could be. After 5+ years of dealing with bulimia, I finally came to terms with myself and my body. I was lucky enough to get into a stable relationship who understood what I put myself thru during that hellish stage of my life. He has been nothing but supportive and helpful in my recovery and for that I thank God.

BUT last November, after years of avoiding the dentist like the plague- I came face to face with the issue I knew would someday find me. My teeth. The once exuberant smile I often got complimented on growing up, had become brittle and broken. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I fell into a bit of depression that I can't seem to get out of. I keep getting old pictures and agonizing over the person I use to be and staring at my once beautiful teeth. MY teeth :(

It was a busy week-end as we try to remodel our kitchen/dining room ourselves so we can sell the house to move into a smaller/cheaper place. The 3 kids are grown, have graduated college. We certainly don't need a 3 bedroom home now.

With all this work, we've been going out to eat. Sat. I ate too much. I was really uncomfortable. I know my spouse likes a treat after dinner that I never have in the house. I asked him to go get it at the store so I could purge while he was gone. I know, "Don't hate yourself," they say, but I feel so evil about my actions, about tricking him. He knows I b/p, but I do not do it while he is home. I've asked him not to go out after we eat as this gives me an opportunity for bad behavior.

After he came home I know I was irritable. I knew I was angry/disappointed in myself and was taking it out on him.

He doesn't need to change, I do. Generally speaking, he's a sweet guy and I'm pretty lucky to have him. I hate feeling like a bully.

Okay: do you consider my day somewhat normal?
I still can't really tell when I am full or not. I am used to throw up coming up my throat as an indicator that its time to pray to the porcelain god...

Breakfast at 10.30 AM - medium size bowl of honey nut cheerios and a dash of skim milk + a small bowl of pineapple, fresh
Snack at 12 AM - small vanilla low fat yogurt drink
Lunch at 2 PM - small plate of gnocchi with fresh tomato sauce, drizzled olive oil + a peach smoothie (fresh)
Snack at 7 PM - about 8-10 mini ricecakes (did not count, yay!)
Dinner at 7.30 PM - muesli yogurt + an iceberg salad with cucumber, avocado and cherry tomatoes, no dressing + 2 small scoops of haagen dazs dulce de leche
STOP

Today was a good day because:
-I did not eat anything compulsively
-I did not over-think the things I ate and how many calories were in them
-I ate healthily for the most part
-I swam

Today needed improving because:
-I still haven't done my yoga
-I had 2 of my 'guilt' foods and I'm supposed to be taking it slow otherwise I'll just relapse