Bulimia Help

I have two family members that we are basically waiting for them to die. It is enevitable. They don't even know who we are anymore. They just sit there and slowly fade away....
My husband has not had a death in his family yet in his lifetime. One of them is his great grandmother. He loves her so much and all we can do is sit and talk to her but she does not ever know we are there.
Its the same for my uncle. It's so sad to watch and I have to be the strong one because I know how to handle this.
That was.....until I found out my husband is getting laid off. He has only a couple of weeks left and I am so scared because I don't know if we are going to be able to afford our bills. I am so scared and I dont know how we are going to survive. How am I supposed to deal with this when I am having to start preparing for when they die to help set up their funerals!!?!?!?!?

I know God is supposed to only give as much as I can handle, but I dont think I can handle this right now!!!!! During my lunch break and took a quick swig of whiskey. It was a bad thing to do because all I wanted to do is b/p after that. So...I just sat there and waited to go back to work.

I just don't know what to do....

I keep thinking that i can stop this on my own. But as soon as the scale shows 100 lbs I freak out so bad. I want it to stay below 100. I know that this is not a healthy weight but i cant help it. My husband caught me throwing up in the shower 2 weeks ago and now is questioning everything that I do. I cant say as I blame him.
things are so hard, I even wernt to try to go to a couselor and was told that she couldnt help me , however, still took my $35 copay!
In my head I know that this is bad for my body but just cant stop. Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

My life is a mess at the moment. I'm used to being put last. My sister always comes first. Now, shes called off her engagement to her fiance and is probably going to move back home. I love her, shes family after all, but I was sitting in the living room with my mum, dad and her, they were talking about living situations in the house. Now I'm told I will be moved out of my room for a few days and bunking with her. That shes allowed people over whenever she wants (tho my friends have never been welcome) and that she feels its unfair of them to help with a trip to Europe, (tho it was going to be with what I got for my 21st and they funded her university and car stereo). I was sitting there, listening to them organising my life and had no chance to offer an opinion. Then, last night, my parents were so concernesd about her fiance that they were going to ring his parents, this is way more concern than they've ever showed me. All the scars on my arms, the frequent trips to the bathroom after eating, the missing food. Not once have they questioned my irrational behaviours or even asked if I'm okay. It just cements my feelings that I don't matter, that I'm not really important in this family, that I'm not good enough. I know I sound so selfish and like a b*tch, but everything seems to be crashing down. I'm scared, tired, and don't know if I can keep putting recovery first when I feel like this.

I feel like I cannot accomplish anything right now. I am overweight and bulimic and all I want to do right now is just eat my self away with ramen noodles and purge it all back up. I saw some of my ex friend's profiles. They really did me wrong in the past and I am upset that I was stupid enough to let them do that to me. I am ashamed of how big I have gotten since I have seen them. Last night my family made me look at pictures of me when I was really thin. I was a size 10 and for me that is really skinny. I looked so sick but now that I have gained all my weight back now I look horrible especially after I b/p because my cheeks get so swollen.
I just feel so stuck right now. My favorite teacher in high school wants me to come back and visit. I am scared to because I was thin and beautiful and had so many goals for myself then. I have not met any of my goals yet and I am overweight.
Sorry for venting so much, but I don't know who else to turn to about this.

I just want to wish everyone the happiest of holidays! We might face familiar holiday struggles over the Christmas season, some food-related, some family-related. Regardless of what our triggers are, I know that we can grow stronger through our struggles with a lot of determination and optimism. The Christmas season always renews me with hope and faith, and I'm already feeling more positive about all of my struggles and the difficult few months I have ahead of me as I study for a big exam. I hope the Christmas season will also fill your hearts with love and peace, no matter what your faith. Enjoy your personal Christmas traditions and create new ones.

I've been doing great lately in the way of food issues. Discovering my food sensitivities has been a great way for me to take control of my eating and change my diet to one that is better for my body--customized to make me feel healthy! I'm taking some fantastic vitamins and supplements that are making me feel great, I'm exercising and lifting weights in moderation, and overall I'm enjoying life again without so much of my focus being on food and food rewards. I was worried about the food sensitivity issue drawing my attention back towards food, but instead I find that as long as I have healthy foods available and accessible to me (of the non-allergy causing type!), then I feel healthy and I eat reasonable amounts. I think my body was completely out of balance when I was eating so many processed foods and particularly those causing the foods that cause me severe stomach issues. I've added so many new foods to my diet and I've even been experimenting with some fabulous recipes. It's amazing how many great foods are out there that I was previously forbidding myself from eating. Why? Because they might make me fat? Pshh.

Okay so the past couple of days haven't gone greatly. I had been 9 days b/p free - I felt absolutely amazing. What would trigger a 2 day b/p? - mere stress and boredom. I am ashamed of myself to be honest. But I cannot wallow in self pity any longer. That's exactly what this cycle feels like - a pit - a big deep dark hole that sucks you in further and further, day by day. The only thing that makes me come up and realise there is more to life is when something good happens.

So where did my bulimia start? I wish I could say it dated back to my childhood. Yes, my dad was an alcoholic - I spent my years from 0 to 16 years old being scared out of my wits every night just waiting in anticipation for my dad to come home drunk and hit my mum/me and my sisters. So yes, this could explain a part of my "peace making" attitude - always trying to please others etc as I was so used to passifying my dad. I suppose that I find it hard to deal with difficult situations and "eat my feelings" in a way. When I was younger, I was so skinny because I worried so much, I didn't want to eat as I constantly had butterflies in my belly - I had other things to worry about that were more important than food. In all honesty, I envy that. The amount of times I sit there and wish for something bad to happen, just so I would have something other than food to focus on.

I never had an issue with food until I got to the age of 17. Then I realised that I had put on weight since school and people were noticing. I started to exercise and cut down on my food and I went for about 2 years restricting and exercising so as to lose the weight which I didn't really have to lose. The bulimia kicked in when I was with my ex boyfriend - I lived with him so I didn't get chance to do it with him - that was merely the time that I discovered that I could eat what I liked and just vomit it up - genius I thought! However, I probably did this once a month as I never got the chance!

I don't have much time since my weekend has been packed full of activities and I'm about to move to the next activity, but I just wanted to come on here to share something that my friend told me, and some positive thoughts popping in my mind! Nothing ground-breaking or new that we don't already know, but a good reminder. She reminded me that we're in our 20s--we will never look exactly like this again, and that's okay! Live out each age that you're at to its fullest, wherever you are on your journey! When I turn 40, I'll look back fondly on the way I look right now, not wishing to be 26 again, but just wishing that I had been comfortable in my skin in my 20s. I don't want to have that regret. Even though I know that and I can tell myself 10 times a day, it still helps to have someone else remind me that I need to work on LOVING my body, perceived flaws and all. We are so lucky to have functioning bodies, to be blessed to live in a place with so many resources, to have loved ones, and to be here at this very moment.

I'm feeling positive and inspired again...and NOT to lose weight. It took me a day or two to completely let go of the path down restriction avenue, but I think I'm there. What's gotten me back to that point is TONS OF DISTRACTION! Going out and doing touristy things, walking for hours around the city, talking, staying up till 5 with my friend and talking about all kinds of things, being concerned about people other than myself, and then getting up early the next morning to go get brunch and walk around the park.

I hope you each have a wonderful day. Today is our day. We can choose to live our lives however we want today. I can laugh, cry, talk, eat, move...and each one of these activities is a blessing. I will forget all that I perceive to be wrong in my life and realize how everything is actually quite right. :)

Hey everyone,

I have not been able to post as much as I used to, basically because school has taken over in my life.
I hate it. I used to love going for my PhD, but now I just hate hate hate it... I want to do something else, but at the same time I am scared that I am just trying to run away again.
All I am sure about right now is that I don't want to go back to Germany ever again, but I know I will have to at some point in my life. And that is just creating a lot of stress for me.
I have been purging more lately, although I feel and hear from all the sides that know about my struggle, that I am making progress. It is just oh so difficult and I am trying hard to survive....

I might go into more intensive care in December...

Has anyone made experience with inpatient programs?
Where/when/costs??

let me know

and all the best to all of you!!!!

Stay strong!

After my recent slip up I've come to realize some things about myself.

I once heard that you have two ways to experience life: in fear or in faith.

I've found that I live in fear everyday of my life.
I worry alot.
About the stupidest things: men, money, future, careers, etc.
Things that I cant change now.
Things that causes me to become stressed and filled with aniexty.
It started as a child, the worst highlights of which were 1) when I was ten waking up and having a panic attack in the restroom becuase I thought that I didnt complete a project for school when in reality there wasnt any 2)crying at night when I thought of my mother dying before she even had her stroke 3) not being able to sleep at night because of worrying about little nothings that because sudden major crisises.

I hate living in fear. Fear prevents me from meeting new people or making new friends or even stepping out of my apartment.

One of my biggest problems is that I dont trust anyone, not even my mother. I used to say that you cant trust anyone because they will always hurt you one day whether they want to or not. The problem with this is that the second greatest commandment of God is to love our neighbors as we do ourselves. and How can I serious love anyone if they cant trust.

Because of this I cant take criticism. Good or Bad. Because it feels like an attack. So when my family out of love may wish for me to lose a few pounds cause they can even see that I'm not happy about my weight. I become defensive.

The truth is that these are the people that love me the most, they arent trying to change me or hurt me in anyway, just I guess wish good things for me and share my dreams.

I dont think that I truely believe that anyone loves me. I question my family's love for me along with everyone else.
I am not sure if any of my friends really care me. This causes alot of problems as well.

i am so relived. wow.
okay so i think ive gotten there. actually no- i really feel like i am tehre. i feel like me. i feel no need ot binge or purge, i have confidnece and i have reconnected ties with allthe people i pushed away.
there is a lot in my life ive always had to deal with. ive been through a lot of shit, but hey, it make you a stronger person. this disease was not helping me deal. at all. im just being the strong, passionate italian lady i am and remembering that hey, thsi is LIFE. its worth CELEBRATING. i have a beautiful body and mind and soul and even if i make mistakes it doesnt matter, what matters is that i know that i am amazing and loved no matter what.and i have the rest of my life to do whatever i like really.. its my life! why not!

thankyou to everyone on here.. i cannot tell you enough how amazing you guys are. watching your journeyas well as mine during these dark times has pulled me through, and your words of advice and love and support i will remeber for the rest of my life. you are the reason i am here- the reason i have my life back. thankyou

thankyou so much ali for this amazing site. you are an amazing human being. you deserve the best from eveything in your life.. youve given so much.

im not quitting bulimiahelp. no way. i just wont be needing the guided eating, the binge busting, the journals.. ill just help out whenevr i can and talk to you guys. i lvoe you all
:)

YAYYYY!!! FUCKYEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

over and out,
katie b, singer/songwriter from australia
bye bye bulimia. hope you fucking die soon!