I'm blogging less and less, but I do still come on here and read the stories and blogs. I am really happy to see all the wonderful progress and while there are slip ups - that really IS normal. What's important is the overall journey toward eliminating this from our lives.
I have been in recovery for 7 months now which is unbelievable. For me recovery means that I haven't been "trying" to get better, I have actually BEEN better. I went from a good day being 2 b/p (where I was happy if I could hold out three hours after waking up) to having it happen only several times in 7 months. While I was beating myself up over it, I realized that the times I did slip up have been few, controlled (I got right back on track) and I am really moving a lot farther away from this. I can actually even feel full now after a meal and not have it pose an issue. I used to want to purge after feeling full, even after a bunch of steamed vegetables.
Huge improvement - I wanted to tell you that it's possible and that you can get there too! You really can. I never thought this would be me. I hoped. But I doubted it, to be honest.
However, I am struggling with other emotional issues. A lot of things are happening at once and they are all extremely huge (I am not dramatizing) and there are times where I just want to b/p, although most of the time I am just finding it really hard to deal with the emotions of it all. I don't want to run to my old ways, nor am I particularly driven to, but I just don't know how to handle myself. I have gone to sleep crying the past several nights and I've been miserable during the day. I'm walking around just ready to cry all the time.
It's the external events that are causing this and I do think that I have a right to be upset, but I used to be just able to numb these feelings. I feel overwhelmed with feelings.
Today I got my monthly salary. I looked at my account and I had almost 1/3 left of my last salary. This is the first time for me and such a motivator. I haven't been saving, I just haven't bought binge food in six months. I get a decent salary with this new job and I can afford paying rent, eating out, travel a bit and still have money left to pay off student loans, retirement plan and deposit a bit in a savings account. I am hoping for a pay rise early next year as well so things are looking a lot brighter. As long as I am not fueling my bulimia that is. I used to be the person desperately going through pockets to find some spare coins to be able to binge in the end of the month. I have borrowed, and on the rare occasion even stolen money from my parents in order to get that fix. For the past couple of years my parents have supported me because my pay has been to low to manage everything. I am relieved and it feels like a wonderful motivator to be on the path of being completely independent. About time, I am 28.
How are your finances doing?
It's all I can honestly ask right now. Why does anything bad have to all come in one shot?
In the space of two weeks, I've received a collections notice for a bill that I was never given, plus a lay by payment demand that I forgot because my mum lost my receipt and i forgot about it. It's all alot of money that I don't have and don't have enough time to get it.
Also, another huge worry is that i had a lump in my neck. I had for a couple of weeks and didn't think too much on it. But it started getting a little sore so I asked my mum and she got really worried so she took me to my doctor. My doctor said it might be a lymph node infection so he gave me really strong antibiotics to take like 6 times a day for a week and a blood test.
Went back to the doctors (now yesterday as it is nearly 3am here). And my blood test results came back okish. he said it was ok apart from my electrolytes and potassium levels a bit off but nothing too bad.
He then checked my neck and proceeded to tell me that the lump hadn't gotten smaller, but had gotten bigger :(
So now I have to have an ultrasound today and find out what happens from there.
AT first when this all started I wasnt worried at all. But the doctor looked really concerned and, what makes everything worse is that I had cancer when I was five years old and had to have one of my kidney's removed to get rid of the tumor there.
I'm trying to think that it's most likely not anything serious, let alone cancer. But, I can't help not thinking about it.
And I'm having major family issues too with my oldest sister.
Let me tell you now, that my oldest sister and I, its a very complicated relationship.
she is 16 years older than me.
And as long as I can remember has always made nasty remarks about my weight and appearance and pretty much criticize me about anything. Usually, it was not often, and despite us not getting along the best, we still cared and love eachother because we're sisters.
Just did the math - I am 46 dollars shy of spending $1000 on binges in the last 3 months......I am so mad at myself right now. All I can do is sit here and cry and cry and cry because deep down I still want to drive to the store..
I never would have believed it would have added up to that much ...
I can't believe it..
Who have I become?
I feel really crap about myself right now.
Just looking at pictures of my boyfriends friends and girlfriends enjoying Christmas eve and Christmas day.
They all look so happy and healthy, wearing nice fashionable clothes, drinking in the pub on xmas eve and eating Christmas lunch and choccies on xmas day. My life couldnt be further from theirs.
Once I too had a disposable income to spend on nice expensive clothes and had no worries to gorge on chocs and spend time with my mates in the pub... but this xmas eve? I made a massive drama to prevent me from going to the pub to hang with my boyfriend and his mates.
I didnt want to dress up, didnt have the energy, I looked like crap and puffy, felt tired and depressed so my boyfriend and I went to a local family pub where I could dress down, look like crap and wrap up warm because of the snow. It meant that I had to put in little effort and use least energy possible, not spend hours washing, straightening and drying my hair, applying 2ton of makeup to make me look 'healthy' and then fret over something good enough to wear.
Gone are the days where I buy nice, trendy clothes. All my money is taken to fund my binges. I spend soooooo much that Im broke. I can never afford to go anywhere or do anything and even when I can Im too tired or depressed. I feel really crap about myself right now about that as I have a good job with good pay and its shameful I spend so much. It causes me so much heartache to say that I feel ashamed and feel like Im holding my boyfriend back.
I feel dirty and disgusting and I feel like Im carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes I just wanna scream how much Im hurting and how depressed I am that I just want to tell them, for somebody to care.
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