Bulimia Help

Cut it off.
Cut off my fat.
Cut off my love handles.
Cut off my thighs.
Cut off my butt.
Cut off my stomach.

Let bones show through.
I'll never be good enough anyway.

Cut off my hair.
Cut off my bangs.
Cut off my brittle nails.
Cut off my life.

Let them see that I'm dying.
I'll never understand them anyway.

Leave me be.
Leave me in my misery.
Leave me with my puke.
Leave me with the empty cartons.
Leave me to die along.

Let the world know who I am.
Let them see this is a disease.

I know I'll never be perfect,
and so leave it all on.
Leave on all the fat.
Leave on my hair.
Leave on my life.

Take the puke away,
Take away the voices.
Take away the depression.
Take away the disease.

Leave only me.
Leave me to shine.
Leave me to the world.

Cut off the devil inside.

Father, forgive me,
I do not know what I do.
I am sorry that I have hurt you.
I know you cry every time I hurt myself,
whether it is by food,
or alcohol,
or yelling at myself.

I know I was made in your image,
but then why do I feel so ugly?
Why do I want to hurt myself?
Why is it that everytime I close my eyes I see death?

You were with me that one night.
That night I swallowed those pills.
That night I drank all that vodka.
It burned me so much,
and lifted me off into a deep sleep.
It was you who woke me up.
You drug me awake from that coma,
before anyone else realized what I was doing.
I slept that whole day away,
no one knew what I had done.
I never left a note.
I would have only left sorrow.

Father, help me.
Help me that I am weak,
and powerless against the darkness in my eyes.
Keep me from bleeding out.
Keep me from destroying myself.

I never knew how much you loved me,
until you sent someone to help me,
but the journey is long and cold,
and I am only one person.

You sent me many angels here,
on this site,
to assist me with what I am going through.
They know and understand that cold icy breath of sickness,
they know my sorrow.

Please, help us help ourselves,
give us the strength we need,
fill us with happiness,
and let us be free.

I'm bleeding out,
but no one can see.
My heart is begging,
please,
don't do this to me.

Why do I need to eat,
why I need to die.
I'm dying down,
I'm dying now,
will someone save me please?

I'm crying out now,
but the dark silences me.
I don't understand,
my forever obsession.

Why do I need to eat,
why I need to die.
I'm dying down,
I'm dying now,
will someone save me please?

I am alone,
I don't know who I am.
The slashes scream,
nothing is what it seems.

Why do I need to eat,
why I need to die.
I'm dying down,
I'm dying now,
will someone save me please?

I don't know why I'm still up but I've just been so emotional I thought I'd try and write... although my brain cannot think enough to be any good but maybe I can sleep after getting this out... or maybe I'll go over it a thousand times in my head picking it to bits trying to think of ways to fix it... acceptance... breathe... ok I will post it and it is so done....

Heaven is Happiness...

I do not know
Why I cannot fly
All I know is that time passes by
What can I do
But look to the clouds
And hope that heaven will let me in

I’ve hurt myself
Too many times
Had too many secrets
And kept them inside
What can I do but hide from the rain
And hope the sun will come out again

When nothing is perfect
Then everything is wrong
It’s hard to find happiness
When starved of it so long
I pray that eventually I will win
Accept who I am within my own skin
And that my best would be good enough

They say the heavens open up
Whenever it rains
Maybe the only way
Is to be brave
And walk through the pain
This storm in my brain
Maybe the sun will come out again
And heaven will let me in

~faeriejayne

Hope is only present when you’re striving for a goal,
The many dead ends start to take their toll.
I do want to be free of the chains of this disease,
But can’t do it alone someone help me please.
Internal scars are uglier than the ones than you can see,
As I’m turning into ‘her’ I’m losing more and more of me.
Of course I can stop this before the point I break,
Hang on, oh wait, what else is left to take?
It’s no longer just inside, the body shows signs too,
Permanent damaged to my teeth, what can I do?
I keep pushing until I finally stop and hit the ground,
Now even the weight loss won’t stay and stick around.
I’ve destroyed my metabolism, immunity and health,
Relationships, social, study, all damaged by myself.
So now that I am nothing, who can I really be?
But I tell you, I won’t let myself be defined by my ED.