Bulimia Help

ok, well first of all, i had my first b/p free day this weekend in ages! friday. it was so nice. actually, i was binge free for 2 days. but saturday i purged. just purged. because of 2 stupid oreos. it was ridiculous. and tonight, i b/p. for absolutely no reason. it kills me. no reason! no triggers, great day, i wasn't feeling hungry at all, already knew there was like nothing to eat in the apartment, wasn't even anticipating it. and then a little bit before everyone went to bed, i got a horrid urge and just went with it. i didn't even know why i was doing it. wasn't even food i really like! and i'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me!!!!!! and my glands are so swollen now. and lately purging has been really hard so i freak out. and i'm so tired and sore. and i just want to eat like a normal person!! and i just want to fight this. i'm almost 5 months in now, and i'm really starting to freak out. i know damage is already being done, and i don't want more!! i don't want this to go on for a year, much less 20! but i just don't know how to fight it.

so i'm thinking of getting help from outside. telling a friend wasn't enough. i need someone who can actually help me, who knows what they are doing. but i don't know what to do or where to start. like, do i find a counselor or a psychologist? i mean, what kind of person helps with this? how do i find places? and how much does it cost? because i seriously don't have a lot of money and i don't even know if i could afford it :(.

i also wanted to know if anyone had any books they could recommend? like eating plan, or recovery type books? or a workbook or something? i just need something to follow. me waking up everyday and telling myself that "today is going to be a good day" just isn't enough.

i want to take action. i need to take action. one day clean is good. but it's not enough. i want this to end before it takes over years of my life. 5 months had already seemed like an eternity.

managed to just get through yesterday purge free. Tho that doesn't stop the guilt I feel for eating too much. Arg, I hate feeling out of control, I couldn't face work today so called in sick. Just the thought of standing behind a ounter and putting on my fake smile, making polite conversation was too much for me to face. But I made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday to see if I can get my meds reajusted so hopefully that'll help.
POSITIVES
I talked to my mum about the way I've been feeling, I know she doesn't really get the things I say. Seeing random objects and visualising ways I could use them to hurt myself is crazy and I know that, I know it makes her worry about leaving me home alone, but I feel deep down that I wouldn't do anything, she still worries about me, which I know is because she loves me.

NEGATIVES
Smoking way too much just to escape from the house. Tho, trying to kick two addictions at the same time would be way too much, it doesn't stop the guilt I feel about it.
Eating too much, food is my drug I guess. But I am afraid of overindulging and b/ping again.

Trying to stay positive, I feel like crying and screaming, but instead I think I'll indulge in enjoyable activities to try and make myself happy again. So, another day and more challenges to face. Heres to day 4 :)

I am new to this site. I have been struggling with bulimia for over a year now. I would like to stop the insanity sooner rather than later. I want to be normal. I have never been normal but I would like to get to a point that I can be somewhat close to it. I was never comfortable with my appearance. I have always felt beautiful (well my face) It's kind of like that movie--"Real Women have Curves"--America Ferrera. However, I have always struggled with my weight which brought me to my current predicament. I started b/p over a year ago with the hope of losing all this weight I had accumulated. I am fearful that I am putting my body through hell. I want to have a family one day and I am fearful that I am screwing up my body, and what will I do if one day I do have a child and I become over obsessed with the baby weight I am sure to gain. I just wish I knew how to combat this disease and get myself healthy. Ultimately, I would like to know how to eat right, excercise and be a balanced healthy person. I want to be truly proud for the weight that I have shed and not shameful. I want to continue losing weight but I don't want to do it this way. I feel so depressed not only because of this problem but also because of family and financial obligations. There are some days that I just want to disappear and not deal with real life. Till next time...

The urges are coming on pretty strong, but I know I can fight them. They come in waves, you know? And they won't be this bad forever. I can do this.

I am proud to say that I have not purged in over a month!!! Problem is I can't seem to beat this overeating/bingeing. I know it takes time to get it all under control but if I don't get it under control soon I fear the urge to purge will increase even more. I tried not to get too upset about it last month and just focus on not purging. This month my goal was going to be to not overeat/binge especially at dinner. Since Wednesday I have done worse with overeating because I know I have now made that my goal. It just seems like I set up all these rules or goals and then I want to rebel against them like someone else is telling me to do them. I need to have structure and know I can't eat the whole kitchen every night without expecting to put on weight. I don't understand why I eat until I am stuffed every night and then get mad because I do it. Why don't I just stop? I hate feeling so full and uncomfortable and it is definitely triggering. I just feel like recovery has so many stages and I wonder when I will get to the end of this horrible nightmare. I have tried making a time I have to be done eating at night but that doesn't work because I just eat faster to get more in before my end time. I try planning something after dinner but keep eating to stall having to do what I have planned. This recovery thing is so hard! I am not going to give up though!

okay, I made it to day 7 without a binge, and then I binged tonight.
But it wasnt an emotional binge.. i starved myself all day! so I guess my body was mad at me for not feeding it.
Now i feel like shite because of too much sugar in my system,. no more skipping meals!
i HAVE to stick to my meal plans!

Im so proud of myself,. in 3 months, ive gone from binge eating every day, sometimes even twice,.. fasting on and off.. sometimes doing week long water fasts, blacking out, lacking energy,. feeling foggy etc to eating 3 meals on most days! im proud of me!

i want to shoot for another 10 days symptom free.

i think if I set myself little challenges, ill get there. After I make it to 10 days symptom free, Ill shoot for 14 days. Im rewarding myself with a nice dress tommorow :)
so from tommorow, im going for 10 days, eating ALL my planned meals, no skipping meals, no binge eating and at least 30 mins of excercise 5 times a week. Ill think up another reward once i make it to that goal.

It takes time and effort, but it can be done!

Yesterday was horrible, alot of stress and worry in my life, helping the ambulence try to revive my neighbour out of a diabetic coma scared the crap out of me, then my mum was ill and had to look after her and the house. Once again I b/p'd and cut.
WHY DID I DO IT?
I felt out of control and scared. Like I didn't do enough to help. I hated myself so numbed with food, purging and cutting. Obviously it didn't help, but only added to my feelings of guilt and worthlessness.

ON THE POSITIVE
I removed all thinsporation from my computer and even though I felt the urge to look at 'those' sites. I didn't (thankyou firestorm, you really are a great supporter)
I forced myself to go out, even though I wanted to hide away, was sociable, talked to my friends.
Exercised cuz I felt like it and didn't beat myself up about not working hard enough

So, day one wasn't good, but its over now and I'm ready to move onto another day. So, here's to day two, strength, willpower, and a smile :)

Well, I made it through day three and I am on my fourth day- no b/p! I feel like I am making some breakthroughs regarding healthy eating. I've been really paying attention to my hunger the last few days, and letting myself eat when I am hungry. What I have noticed is that three meals and two or three snacks a day is what my body needs so my blood sugar doesn't get too low (a binge trigger I've realized). I've read on other people's comments about "structured eating" and am not quite sure what this is- could someone enlighten me? Also- another mini breakthrough last night- I was at a friends playing boardgames in the early evening and the group ordered pizza, after having a couple of beers this combination is usually a dangerous one for me, however last night I was able to eat two small pieces and stop, not feeling guilty that I ate the pizza- not the healthiest choice and definitely not the grilled fish and veggies I had planned to make for dinner when I got home-but also not the horrible food monster that must be purged out of my system that I had let pizza become over the last few years. Small victories along this road, but victories nonetheless.

I am on my third day without binging or purging and I am feeling a whole spectrum of emotions. I am proud of myself for taking action by joining this site to provide me with a support system in my journey toward beating my cycle, but I am scared that I am once again going to relapse. I feel hopeful and positive that this will be the time that my determination to beat this disease will allow me to break free and get my life back, but I also am aware that I have a long road to recovery ahead of me and I have to take it one day- or one meal- at a time. This also scares me. I realize that I am consumed by fear and guilt- fear of gaining weight, guilt for doing such damage to my body over the last five years, fear that I have damaged myself forever and will never be able to be the healthy person I want to be, guilt that I have wasted so much time and money- literally flushing it down the toilet, fear that one bite of food could trigger a binge and I will be back to square one. I am tired of the fear, and tired of the guilt. I no longer want to obsess about food, constantly think about my weight and my waist measurement, or compare myself to everyone else- what they eat, how they look, how smart they are, how successful they are and how I don't ever seem to measure up. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, in who I am and what I am able to do. I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishments without feeling like "If only I were skinny I could really feel good about myself"

I fell off the wagon, this is me, writing the steps I am going to take to focus fully on recovering

Step 1
remove ALL thinspiration writing, diet stuff, websites from my computer

Step 2
don't count calories. Make soure I have 3 meals each day and, if hungry, also 2 snacks DIET SODA DOES NOT COUNT AS A SNACK

Step 3
exercise for pleasure, dance around the house like a loon, do yoga, pilates, whatever, change my outlook on exercise

Step 4
come to this site more often, surround myself with positive influences